When Rock Bottom has trap doors

[Natty_Lynne]

I know I need to be sober but can't ever seem to get there. I fear rock bottom for me is death and honestly if I didn't have kids that would be ok with me but they deserve more. I don't want them growing up wondering why they weren't enough as it is they probably already do.

The longest I ever got sober was 9 months that's when CPS stepped in. I got clean and then relapsed and then lost them again for good.

I have been in and out of AA/NA for 6 years now.

My boyfriend of 4 years had 22 years sober when we met. Selfishly I got tired of hiding my using and eventually got him to join me. For the last 3 years it has been joy and hell. We can't stop and every time I try to leave I feel emptier than before.

Last night I overamped on meth.

I keep thinking losing my kids, ODing, all these things should make me want to quit I keep asking myself when is enough enough?

But I feel like I have tried. I have tried doing everything suggested to me in recovery but when it comes down to that moment when I have 2 or 3 months sober and I can't remember the horror of active addiction. I always cave. I have absolutely no faith whatsoever in my ability to successfully stop doing dope.

The last 2 years I got sick of going into the rooms and telling everyone I screwed up. It's a small town so after awhile ppl are just like apparently you don't want it bad enough. Maybe they are right. Sober life is a long list of responsibilities and boredom and pain. I should be sober for a million reasons but none of them have to do with me really wanting it. It's all for someone else or to avoid whatever consequences I am afraid of.
Anyway I basically just started lying and kept the same date even though once every few months I would spend a day or 2 high on meth. No one knew except my using boyfriend. Everyone says how well I am doing that makes me feel worse about myself.

Earlier this week a best friend of ours got arrested and is going away for a long time. That should be a wake up call...instead I have been in a binge for 2 weeks now.

I am scared to give up and keep going on like I am and I am scared to hope for another chance and be disappointed again.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds to me like you have lost complete touch with your center, the part of you that cares about you. With all you have lost and all the "bottoms" that you have endured, you understandably might feel that you have nothing left to live for but temporary sensations and surface emotions. But this could not be further from the truth. Maybe AA and NA in your small town are not enough--maybe you need something that does not reinforce feeling shitty about yourself. Would your partner also like to stop using?

 

[pigtownblues]

Natty Lynne,

Ooo just like Natty Lite, so yummy.

One thing to always remember is that you are NOt alone.... we may not want to win the fight but guess what, we're in the ring and it's always the final round!

Like you, I struggle so very much with these very things you're dealing with. I have had extremely lucid near death experiences with acute toxicity of an unknown substance (possibly IV bath salts mistaken for __________ ) . Just enough to keep my desire to stop for a few 24 hours. Even then I insisted on fixing my drug problem with, you guessed it- more drugs!

I also come from a small town and the most recent consequences from my latest run have me toothless, spiritually bereft and back at mom/dads at 30 years old. More and more do I get reminded that doing the work in NA/AA is a vital part of recovery. I come from th belief that the program does not have to be everything in ones life but that a complete effort daily to have it apart of your life is a tool that every person who has arrested their disease has in their box. I am no NA AA gunslinger, so far from it. My father is sober 12 years or so because of it and we do not see eye to eye on very many things.....

i like my variety amd i do not want to fucking be involved with the program but shit ONLY gets worse when we keep using. I hope you find reasons to choose life, be it ego, sex, fame, wealth anything but drugs for now and if you stick around without drugs long enough you will notice yourself and feel feelings more and get to the bottom of who the real natty Lynne is and the changes will come.

in fact I replied to this to selfishly help myself and give myself a bit of a chat but bottom line is I want to help others up not pull them down...

love be yourself a little bit.

love
j

 

[Mafioso]

Rock bottom is just when we decide that we've had enough, IMO. Things can almost always get worse. Likewise, things can almost always get better. If there is nothing we can do to improve the situation we are in we can change the way we think about and view the situation to promote a more positive response within.

It sounds like you, just as almost everyone with a substance use disorder, copes with stress or emotional turmoil with a substance. Drugs weren't just how I coped with stress but also what I used to reward myself and celebrate with. So I would use when I felt terrible to try and feel better as well as when I was happy as a way to reward myself.

Perhaps it is necessary to not only find new ways to cope with the bad but also new ways to reward yourself when you are feeling good.

 

[JessFR]

It is very common to fail to stay clean over and over before it finally sticks, don't let that get you thinking you can't do it, you can. All you need to do is keep wanting it and keep trying. I'm trying again myself right now. I've been a homeless begger and occasional prostitute for the last 6 months. I lost just about everything I ever cared about. Now I'm trying yet again. I don't know if I'll make it this time, but I'm trying hard to keep in mind that just cause I've failed multiple times before doesn't have to mean I'll fail this time. And if I do, maybe I'll make it next time.

Just whatever you do don't give up. I know it's tempting, I've wanted to give up a thousand times. But I have people who love me, my mother, my brother. And I'm not ready to die yet, so I'm just gonna try again. Just keep trying. I have my family, you have something even more important than my mom and my brother, you have kids.

I know you probably feel bad about your boyfriend using again, but you're not solely responsible for that. Most addicts have done some horrible shit. I have. I've stolen from people, lied and manipulated my loved ones, prostituted myself, etc. Try to think of that as all the more reason to get clean than to give up. If I give up, it ends there. I'll never have the chance to even try and make amends for all the horrible shit I did. And I wanna see a day where I can try and make up for some of the bad shit I did. I can't ever make up for all of it, but that's all the more reason to try and make up for what I can.

Just don't give up, and feel free to let me know if you ever wanna talk privately. I've felt most if not all the same things you have, I think most serious addicts have. You're not alone, not even a little.