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when its just not worth getting up anymore

R

RedRum OG

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
Messages
3,693
Location
MN
so i have bad anxiety and depression. since i was 6. cried myself to sleep every night and have pretty much every night since then. i have always found a reason to keep going even though the idea of suicide has drawn me in since i was 9 ( saw it on TV and thought what a wonderful idea). the one reason i have never is because i can always look back and be like yeah if i had killed myself i wouldve missed out on this good time or that. and i can always kind of pull myself out of the darkness for a while. but i always fall back into troubles. i love cutting myself and i love doing drugs for the feeling they give me but hate them for every other reason. i never really stay happy since my day of birth. i really just think sometimes life just isnt meant for all people. i always feel out of place. im wondering if i really just dont belong here. no matter how many people surround me im alone and isolated so i ask you whats the point of getting myself hyped back up anytmore?

i have gone to therapy. i have tried psychiatrist drugs of all sorts. i have tried meditation and that type of shit. i excersize a fucking lot and eat well. i sleep well. i have friends, i go out. these are all the things i expect to hear as advice. dont say any of that. the only thing i have keeping me up is the street drugs.
 
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Man I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I know that you say drugs are the only thing that make you feel good but they truly are the very thing which could be making you worse. What drugs do you take, and how frequently? Have you ever tried to cut out the drugs and try therapy with a clean head/body?

I believe that there is a solution for depression for everyone. Some people respond well to medications, or a combination of therapy and meds, or therapy alone. And even having said that, as you know there are hundreds of different types of meds and types of therapy! Some people are less responsive to treatment than others. But I really do believe that if you keep trying, you will find something that works for you. That reason alone is enough to keep getting out of bed in the morning <3
 
the thing that's helped me the most is taking the absolute minimum amount of my prescribed meds daily, I always used to think that more Klonopin equaled more peace but I find when I take the absolute minimum amount I think more clearly and I'm not nearly as depressed, same goes with my Ambien. I do need these drugs at the moment but I'm finding less is better.

also, finding what you really love to do and really going after it and not giving up, I was at my worst when I had given up on my dreams or at least felt like they were impossible for awhile.

I fucked up recently and started taking Dexedrine every morning again and over doing the Opiates and not eating properly, I thought I was fine until I ran out of Dexedrine, then there was a week where I felt like it was truly pointless to get out of bed and was feeling depression starting to win again.

Cutting out the Dexedrine and minimizing my use of all my prescriptions really evened me out and helped me feel more balanced.

This is just what has been working for me recently, I understand how you feel, I don't know that the street drugs are really helping you but I know you gotta do what you gotta do to get through. Depression is a bitch and sometimes nothing works, just do the best you can and don't give up, and remember you're not the only one.

P.S. You DO belong here, otherwise you wouldn't be here, I really do believe that as long as you're alive there is a reason, I think people die when it's their time, there are so many ways that any of us could die at any given moment in a day. Life is really mysterious like that, it took me almost dying in a car accident to start feeling this, and I believe part of the reason I was in that car crash was to wake me the fuck up, I kept sinking more and more into my own pit of despair. Find a way, any way, to get outside of yourself for awhile. Wish you the best.
 
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Have you considered making environmental changes? Maybe even consider relocation for a "fresh start." Nothing like starting from scratch to really mix things up and life and find what makes you happy. Maybe return to school if you didn't finish/attend college. Find things in life that are fulfilling and give you a sense of accomplishment. As far as the illicit drugs, they are only short term fixes that can affect your brain chemistry and ultimately make things worse/seem worse. Best of luck to you my friend!
 
n3ophy7e said:
] What drugs do you take, and how frequently? Have you ever tried to cut out the drugs and try therapy with a clean head/body?
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right now weed every day oxycodone about once a week. however i have tried prozac zoloft trazadone adderall strattera (For ADD and anxiety). and yes was sober back in my therapy days.
 
burntserkits said:
Have you considered making environmental changes? Maybe even consider relocation for a "fresh start." Nothing like starting from scratch to really mix things up and life and find what makes you happy. Maybe return to school if you didn't finish/attend college. Find things in life that are fulfilling and give you a sense of accomplishment. As far as the illicit drugs, they are only short term fixes that can affect your brain chemistry and ultimately make things worse/seem worse. Best of luck to you my friend!
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just around the corner. leaving home and moving to college at the end of summer. graduating high school in like 4 days
 
The point of getting up is simple: to live your life.

What's the point of working if you're just going to die? To get the experience gained from earning money and supporting your family. What's the point of learning to love if it will just end? To experience the intense feeling of love that no drug can give.

Everything is worth living for, you just have to seek it up.

Believe me, I've been there, done that thousand of times. You will get through it, just keep your head up. Everything will be right in the end, if it's not right, it's not the end.

You just gotta keep pushing brother, and you know you have all of us on BL here to help each step of the way.
 
RedRum OG said:
just around the corner. leaving home and moving to college at the end of summer. graduating high school in like 4 days
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Well best of luck to you friend. Attending college is going to give you a wonderful chance to experience so many things in life you haven't encountered. It's also the beginning of your adult life. What do you plan to major in?
 
RedRum OG said:
right now weed every day oxycodone about once a week. however i have tried prozac zoloft trazadone adderall strattera (For ADD and anxiety). and yes was sober back in my therapy days.
Click to expand...

It's always worth another try (therapy and/or meds). Sometimes it takes many attempts at it before you find the treatment method which works for you.
 
I spent nearly 10 years finding the right drug cocktail that really works for me. That's not to say that I don't get depressed time to time, but I certainly couldn't even consider killing myself anymore. And this is coming from someone who stole veterinary euthanasia and ended up in a coma for days.

There are a lot of new drugs out there these days that can make life livable for people like us who just don't have the proper brain chemistry to lead a normal life unmedicated. I'm currently taking Cymbalta for depression, Abilify to potentiate the C. I also have an anxiety disorder so I take xanax for my panic attacks. And now I'm also on Benztropine to negate the restlessness and extra anxiety from the Abilify. It takes A LOT of trial and error before you find what works for you specifically.

Like others have said, self-medicating with narcotics is just a dead end. They could in fact be the reason that you're at the level of depression where even getting out of bed is hell in itself. I find that when I abuse, it usually takes a few days to a week to feel 'normal' again. It sounds like you need a real break from your life. Take a trip if you've the money, or drive somewhere and get away for the day. There's a good life out there for you.
 
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through - what you've BEEN going through. So many of us can relate to you though, so never feel alone.

I think it's great that you're moving soon, graduating high school, etc. You'll meet knew people (TRY to meet some great new people), start a new routine - which I think is very important, and just 'live' differently, in a different place! Also, try therapy again. Maybe a bit after you get adjusted at your new place. I've been to a handful of therapists/psychiatrists, and now just go to a nurse practitioner for meds. I DO think that the therapy bit is quite important - at least in the beginning of 'treatment' (or treating the main issues). Even though you've tried that route already doesn't mean it can't work (later on or again).

I know this can be annoying to hear but, as someone that was depressed for a pretty long time and got herself out of some pretty serious shit, you really have to push yourself to create some positive energy. Surround yourself with happy(ier) people, to allow yourself to SMILE and laugh, etc. Don't give up on a life of happiness. You're so young - make something awesome (more awesome) of yourself.

Bottom line: keep your chin up, reach out if you need it, try therapy again, (new meds?), meet new people, allow yourself to feel (everything).
 
Although I don't have much of a predeliction for downers (in terms of drugs), feeling down is definitely not a foreign state for me. Lately one of the few things that has kept me from sinking too deep is getting into an exercise regime... what can I say.... endorphin release is probably the best cheap thrill known to man. It won't solve everything, but it will make a difference, and it has given me the will to get out of bed (because of all the extra energy physical activity brings with it) and go to my dead-end job, even if it's just my body getting up and moving around on auto-pilot (despite all the shit I have to work through elsewhere in life).
If your brain can't get you to a level where you feel like you can cope, you have no option but to rely upon the body's aptitude and agility instead.
 
Yeah most days I don't improve, don't see the need to get out of bed. Today was a shit day for me thanks to gambling last night. So this has led to my cycle of having a few drinks to relax, but of course that wasn't enough, so 15mg xanax joined in, followed by 60mg diazepam and now looks like 4mg dexchlorpheniramine, 120mg pseudoephedrine, 80mg of celepram (my antideppresant) and 10mg endep.

I apologise if this post needs to be moved to another location. Just not travelling to well at all.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Man I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I know that you say drugs are the only thing that make you feel good but they truly are the very thing which could be making you worse.
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It truely amazes me how so many people on this forum seem to lose sight of what it actually feels like to be off drugs.
I see so many people claiming "drugs help me do this or that" but those same people are often suicidal and ready to take thier lives everyday they wake up.

For me it was opiates and benzos, I was on them for so long I though they were helping me. But they were only helping me in the manner that I was able to get high off them.
When I got clean for a year it had to be one of the best most boring and stable periods of my life that I enjoyed like nothing else. And than I slipped up for a week and never came back to sobriety. Isn't it amazing that slowly again my life has turned to shit just from being on drugs?

I use to be one of those people who said "pods help my anxiety they really do" or "benzos help me talk to people" well NO SHIT. But they are DRUGS. DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS!!
Like noone knows what drugs are anymore. Every day you didn't feel anxious on opiates is a day you will DEFINITELY HAVE TO FEEL ANXIOUS being off them. Even if you plan on staying on forever tolerance always catches up and anxiety comes right back.

I noticed my general state of being was always at its best when I was clean. Drugs can be very elusive and deceptive at times with how people associate them in their minds, but I have no doubt today that drugs cause more bullshit than they "cure".
 
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