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~when im gone~

neverwas

neverwas

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 23, 2002
Messages
6,705
Location
The yellow brick road!
she moves like a cat
collecting only what’s left behind
her hour glass figure
and pencil thin waist
cigarette burns on her arms
tiny little scars on her face.

slinking around in the back ground
she covers her face with her hands
misery and sadness over come her
as she undoes her black robe
and drops away her ebony coloured hair.

no one will notice
if i leave this hell i call a life.
no one will come crying
everyone will forget
will they miss me when im gone?

theres a voice inside her head
it commands her in what to do
it manipulates and transforms
it dis-figures whats beautiful
it claws at her body
like a deamon she once knew.

you can do it.
it will only hurt for a lil bit.
they dont want you or need you.
you arent even worth the ground on which they spit.

sitting in the corner
she cuts deep into her arms and her breasts
she weeps and she moans
as she licks the blood off the knife
and lays her head down to rest.

ive won now and you have finally given in.
let me show you eternal bliss.
let us live in sin

bleeding her pain out
she only hopes no to wake
silently she cuts her wrist
as her world gives her one last shake.

the end of her time
gradually ticks on by
lifeless and limp she lays there
as she silently whispers...

will you miss me when im gone?
 
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*starfalls69* said:
she moves like a cat
collecting only what’s left behind
her hour glass figure
and pencil thin waist
cigarette burns on her arms
tiny little scars on her face.
Click to expand...


I love the flow of this. Great read. And again excellent flow it sucks you in
 
thank you people :)

im ok (just so you know) i was just feeling a bit down when i wrote this...most of my stuff is written on the mood and emotion i am feeling at the time.
 
Feedback

I have noticed that users in general (even before they ever started using me included) as well as people with bi or unipolar disorders or other "mental health" (schizophrenia, MPD, ect) problems tend to have much higher ups and lower lows than those people that do NOT have any such disorder or never used. I don't know if you ever had or have done any of the above, but just the same from reading your piece, you obviously feel such agonizing emotional pain that kicks ass when it strikes you. Maybe your feelings or reactions that occured due to some thing or things are a bit out of proportion as compared to what "normal/non users" experience? Since I don't know you, I can't say. I know that is true with me. Even off dope, although not as intense highs and lows, problems such as for example last year when my roommate moved out and thought I had a new one lined up (he reneged) sent extreme waves of frustration and major depression through me.

My old reaction before using was to not give myself permission to have feelings and that I was a wuss. When I became severely opiate/barbiturate dependent (up to 30 pills a day 10 years ago until cutting back by 75 percent) the depression, sadness, hopelessness kicked in horrifically so I'd take as often as possible so I'd be comatose/asleep for 3 days at a time. Over the last 10 years, I slowly gave myself permission to feel. Since I consider myself a very emotional person, when I'm alone I embrace the severe pain or anger dead on and allow myself to experience it. Then 7 yrs ago, especially with practice, I found that giving myself permission to feel FOLLOWED by writing about whatever it is I'm feeling I can honestly say has been the best therapy I've ever encountered.

Severe pain once I face it and write about it for some reason just takes almost all the pain away. Not only that, but it also after in less than an hour aids me tremendously reviewing the problem with the perspective of a 3rd party, which I feel is more objective. In terms of extreme anger ranging from a small thing to feeling betrayed or intense rage from some totally fucked up thing someone did that was meant to hurt and was complete assholish behavior, I've found has taken the fuel out of the fuse when I do above steps. (Extreme rage requires a 20-30 minute jog or some form of strenuous physical activity that helps me take out my aggression in dire emergencies and even maybe talking to a 3rd party once I've calmed down.)

Ninety percent of the time, allowing myself to feel being pissed off and then writing about it is enough. In fact, in terms of anger alot of times after I complete whatever it is I've written (I incorporate the person I feel sinned against me in some story and can get away with any and all forms of exquiste torture or revenge and not go to prison.) The real therapy is in most cases, once I write the story and plot my revenge, and read it, not only do I have a much more realistic perspective on the situation, but end up laughing my fucking ass off so hard tears keep pouring down my face. Laughter is such a wonderful antidote to pain and anger. As an added bonus, now I have a written keep sake, a piece of art forever so I've turned something bad into something good.

A couple times I even shared the story with the offender (not recommended in most cases. but for any select minority they end up laughing too as well as seeing how deeply what they did affected you.)
Anyway, I suspect you, like myself tend to feel higher highs, lower lows like tonight, and even when you feel generic maybe experience extra genericness? That sounds ridiculous, but for me it's true in terms of feeling more intensely generic as well as any other emotion. The reason I'm sharing this is I'm hoping there might be a slight chance some of this information could be helpful to you. When I feel like you did 2nite, I appreciate feedback as to what others have tried that worked for them.

I felt your pain reading that piece. I'm sorry life/feelings cut so deep tonight. I go through this intense emotional hurt too. While it's no fun to experience such pain, I commend you for feeling and posting. Some of us invisible BLers out here in the expansive land of cyberspace read you loud and clear. Hugs and kisses sweetheart.
 
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