I decide to write. Anyways it's past four in the morning and I can't sleep because I ended up sleeping in until six yesterday evening. I fell asleep in my cousin's bed because she's still not home from break and sleeping on the couch the other night sucked. So I decided not to get up at all and I'm pretty sure I could have just stayed there. I however did get up and decided to socialize with my family, which in the end made me wish I stayed in bed.
I'm up in Connecticut right now seeing family and some of my old friends. I truly did not want to come up though but somehow I did. All my family says that they missed me but the worst thing is I didn't even miss any of them. I kind of didn't even miss my sister and that's horrible because we always have been so close. I'm not going to lie though and say that I truly want to be here. I rather be back in Pennsylvania and that's saying a lot because it's hell living down there. It's hell living this life full of letdowns.... I'd rather be alone at my apartment than anywhere else. It's just lately I haven't had a break and I really do need one. A break from everyone is what I truly need and maybe even a break from myself, too bad I can't get either.
See here I go again with all the depressing thoughts.... I just wish I was happy and could beat this never ending depression. I've been depressed for way too long... I'm tired of having no hope and I'm tired of being the way I am. Why do I have to see the bad in everything before the good? Why doesn't life or the people in my life bring me happiness anymore? Why can't I bring myself happiness? I really do think I need to get into counseling but every time I tried to call the places around me they were not accepting new patients. How fucking hard is it to get help in this godforsaken place?
My Psychology Professor had said in class that December is actually the month with the lowest suicide rate. He said that all the accusations about it being the most depressing month are not true. He said it is also the easiest month to get into facilities around my area. I immediately thought, "Oh I should call back!" Sadly I have yet to do that and I'm not even sure if I want to. I called multiple places before and they all ask me if I did drugs in the last 6 months and all I could mutter was the word uh. They told me it's okay if you don't want to say it over the phone... I don't know I just could not get myself to tell someone that I use a variety of drugs and the main one being heroin. Saying it all over a drug forum to people who are also druggies and will probably never know you is a lot easier than telling someone you truly have to interact with.
When they ask me what drugs do I do and I almost say heroin all that crosses my mind is no, that's a lie... I'm in denial all over again. Me doing heroin, what? No, that can't be. Sometimes I would think that in my head but the truth is I know that I am indeed a heroin user and I am indeed an addict. I just hate the fact that I will forever be judged because I decided to veer the other way in life and away from the norm. I decided to do heroin and get high. Honestly I don't care if people don't like my drug use but then again I still do care in some aspects. I care about how I am perceived by others and if they can see the good I do, the good in me... I wonder if that all goes away when I say the words, "I use heroin." What happens then? Am I just another junkie?
Uh, I just need to get over it I guess. There is nothing I can do but try to move on and make my life better. Right now I've been clean for almost two weeks and I know that's really not a long time but it doesn't matter. Any time clean from heroin is an accomplishment for me and I just wish that I could stay clean for once. I just feel as if I can't get clean or at least stay clean unless I fight the other battles going on in my life instead of running away from them. I need to find better ways to cope. I need to find what makes me happy and use whatever that may be to help me get out of this hole of depression, self doubt, emptiness and the list goes on. I need to find something other than heroin because heroin does make me feel "better" but only for so long but it also keeps me in the same hole that I so desperately want to get out of and it keeps digging me in further. I can't allow for this to go on any longer, I just can't but I say this all the time. Junkies always say that this will be the last time they will do heroin but it never is.... as you read my posts I'm just another heroin user with hopes and aspirations.. I'm just another heroin user who wants to get clean and maybe I'm just another heroin user who never will.
So it's almost two weeks since I've been clean from heroin. I need to figure out why all I can think about is when those two weeks will end... when will I use dope again? I'm tired of getting clean to only realize that I'm going to get high eventually. I want to figure out why I can't live life without using heavy drugs... I need to figure out a lot of shit but don't we all... In the end I know I'm a pretty good person and have a lot going for me but heroin holds me back. However, heroin makes me believe otherwise and that's why I still use sometimes until I can come to my senses once again.
This semester I got an A and three B's. That wasn't even bad and I thought I was going to do a lot worse. I didn't even apply myself this semester and all I did was get high... so I wonder what can happen if I stay clean and actually try for once? I want my future to be full of accomplishments and I want my past mistakes to remain in the past. I want heroin to stay there too but am I even ready? The sad thing is I can't even answer that question right now even though I want to.
I'm up in Connecticut right now seeing family and some of my old friends. I truly did not want to come up though but somehow I did. All my family says that they missed me but the worst thing is I didn't even miss any of them. I kind of didn't even miss my sister and that's horrible because we always have been so close. I'm not going to lie though and say that I truly want to be here. I rather be back in Pennsylvania and that's saying a lot because it's hell living down there. It's hell living this life full of letdowns.... I'd rather be alone at my apartment than anywhere else. It's just lately I haven't had a break and I really do need one. A break from everyone is what I truly need and maybe even a break from myself, too bad I can't get either.
See here I go again with all the depressing thoughts.... I just wish I was happy and could beat this never ending depression. I've been depressed for way too long... I'm tired of having no hope and I'm tired of being the way I am. Why do I have to see the bad in everything before the good? Why doesn't life or the people in my life bring me happiness anymore? Why can't I bring myself happiness? I really do think I need to get into counseling but every time I tried to call the places around me they were not accepting new patients. How fucking hard is it to get help in this godforsaken place?
My Psychology Professor had said in class that December is actually the month with the lowest suicide rate. He said that all the accusations about it being the most depressing month are not true. He said it is also the easiest month to get into facilities around my area. I immediately thought, "Oh I should call back!" Sadly I have yet to do that and I'm not even sure if I want to. I called multiple places before and they all ask me if I did drugs in the last 6 months and all I could mutter was the word uh. They told me it's okay if you don't want to say it over the phone... I don't know I just could not get myself to tell someone that I use a variety of drugs and the main one being heroin. Saying it all over a drug forum to people who are also druggies and will probably never know you is a lot easier than telling someone you truly have to interact with.
When they ask me what drugs do I do and I almost say heroin all that crosses my mind is no, that's a lie... I'm in denial all over again. Me doing heroin, what? No, that can't be. Sometimes I would think that in my head but the truth is I know that I am indeed a heroin user and I am indeed an addict. I just hate the fact that I will forever be judged because I decided to veer the other way in life and away from the norm. I decided to do heroin and get high. Honestly I don't care if people don't like my drug use but then again I still do care in some aspects. I care about how I am perceived by others and if they can see the good I do, the good in me... I wonder if that all goes away when I say the words, "I use heroin." What happens then? Am I just another junkie?
Uh, I just need to get over it I guess. There is nothing I can do but try to move on and make my life better. Right now I've been clean for almost two weeks and I know that's really not a long time but it doesn't matter. Any time clean from heroin is an accomplishment for me and I just wish that I could stay clean for once. I just feel as if I can't get clean or at least stay clean unless I fight the other battles going on in my life instead of running away from them. I need to find better ways to cope. I need to find what makes me happy and use whatever that may be to help me get out of this hole of depression, self doubt, emptiness and the list goes on. I need to find something other than heroin because heroin does make me feel "better" but only for so long but it also keeps me in the same hole that I so desperately want to get out of and it keeps digging me in further. I can't allow for this to go on any longer, I just can't but I say this all the time. Junkies always say that this will be the last time they will do heroin but it never is.... as you read my posts I'm just another heroin user with hopes and aspirations.. I'm just another heroin user who wants to get clean and maybe I'm just another heroin user who never will.
So it's almost two weeks since I've been clean from heroin. I need to figure out why all I can think about is when those two weeks will end... when will I use dope again? I'm tired of getting clean to only realize that I'm going to get high eventually. I want to figure out why I can't live life without using heavy drugs... I need to figure out a lot of shit but don't we all... In the end I know I'm a pretty good person and have a lot going for me but heroin holds me back. However, heroin makes me believe otherwise and that's why I still use sometimes until I can come to my senses once again.
This semester I got an A and three B's. That wasn't even bad and I thought I was going to do a lot worse. I didn't even apply myself this semester and all I did was get high... so I wonder what can happen if I stay clean and actually try for once? I want my future to be full of accomplishments and I want my past mistakes to remain in the past. I want heroin to stay there too but am I even ready? The sad thing is I can't even answer that question right now even though I want to.
and yeah hopefully I can stop looking at the bad and start focusing on the good. My mindset as of lately is I have to survive... I haven't lived in so long. I never do anything anymore that makes me happy. I'm just surviving... how will I get food on the table? How am I going to pay the electricity? This rent? Don't get attached to the new kittens because you might just become homeless again.... Well at least I don't own anything anymore besides a few things and so if I do become homeless again the loss won't be as bad.