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When I look in your eyes

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gmni13

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2000
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6,422
When I look in your eyes I see so far,
Into your hear it pains me.
But from where I’ve come, for the course it’s par.
I’m locked and you hold the key.
Not quick to open, you’ve shown me the way,
To love and be loved in return.
I think of you now with each passing day.
The passion continues to burn.
Distance is rough; the heart does grow fonder.
Things seem to begin anew.
Temptation? No, my heart does not wander.
My intent is never askew.
With you, everyday I grow and surpass,
Every expectation.
Each burden bore, to the side is cast.
You give me the inspiration
At night I yearn to hold you in my arm,
And feel your heart next to mine.
At no point will come a reason to harm,
Your love I see as divine.
The day will come when things will be easy.
I’ll say how I feel forthright.
Nerves, until then, make me feel queasy,
Please bear with me and my plight.
~Erik
 
Kinda lame and all...but 'sall good.
I'm looking for some advice. Especially on how to fix that last stanza.
~Erik
 
normally i don't like poems that rhyme, but i really like this one, erik! don't change anything about it, i think it's perfect. i especially like this stanza:
Distance is rough; the heart does grow fonder.
Things seem to begin anew.
Temptation? No, my heart does not wander.
My intent is never askew.
Click to expand...
 
the last line could read..
"Please close your eyes and dream with me tonight.."
it's very good though!
 
The day will come when things will be easy.
I’ll say how I feel forthright.
Nerves, until then, make me feel queasy,
Please bear with me and my plight.
The last line here is actually important. It's in relation to how I'll say how I feel when it's easy. For now I have to resort to a poem because I'm nervous otherwise.
It's the whole "make me feel queasy" part. Not exactly romantic, na'mean?
~Erik
Click to expand...
 
The last line is awesome, don't change that, change the "queasy"...right now it takes away from your message and makes the poem "cheesy".
(Pun intended...)
 
erik that was a very beautiful poem, and whomever it is for,,,, is a very lucky person,
dont change it,,,, especially once your done with a poem,, leave it be,, makes it more special
:)
 
fully dont change it, when you write something you leave it how it is unless the bit you want to change really changes the feel. it you go fiddling then you wreck the emotion. leave it, its great :)
 
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