When I Can't Touch You

[Robdob]

I tried to write a poem
that would dive deep into your eyes
soak into your heart
and leek out between your thighs.
I wanted to make you squirm,
inside of these lines,
scream for me to stop
but then read it three more times.
I hoped you would sit there breathless
not knowing how to move,
Look at my words for you
And realize you spoke them too.
------------------
EveryOne is so concerned with heroine and marijuana,
but they fail to see the most dangerous narcotic that exists.
That is the narcotic that is injected into the minds of infants.
It is called social narcotics.
[This message has been edited by Robdob (edited 25 April 2001).]

 

[AnnieX]

~~beautiful!~~
AnnieX *beams* at Robdob
[This message has been edited by AnnieX (edited 27 April 2001).]

 

[femmme fatal]

ohhhh i like that

aj the femme
------------------
the extra M is for MmmMmmmm
Be Good!!!

 

[Robdob]

Thanks for the comments! Do you guys think I should work on the ending? Is it strong? I kind of rushed it.

 

[AnnieX]

i think that you should make the ending stronger... as juicy as the beginning. it's not that it's bad at all, but i think you could phrase your thoughts in other ways to keep the same flow of the poem. writing can always be polished to perfection.

 

[ice-9]

keep it the same. The words capture your raw emotions in that time, and it sounds awesome.

 

[Noodle]

...sometimes those fleeting times of raw emotion, washing over and through, feel rushed.

 

[Ashke]

I think it's perfect. Amazing, even! Please share more of your work.

~*~ Ashke ~*~