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When Friends freeze you out.

T

tomdpimp

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 2, 2011
Messages
462
Location
TN
Over the last couple of years I've found that while I try hard to stay in touch with friends, they do not. I might have issues with being alone as I am an only child, however I don't think I'm only one like this. It seems easier to stay in contact with people that live four hours away, but not 20 mins. Many just ignore messages or simply freeze me out. I don't get it. Does anyone think this ok? I don't mind if people have changes in their lives and can't get together but at least stay in contact.
 
Sometimes there really is so much going on that you take for granted the people that care the most, as bad as that sounds.
 
I (sadly) admit that I'm guilty of this..as Docta.Jay said, life really does get in the way sometimes and it's not always a reflection of how much the person cares. I move around a lot and I've found that the long term relationships I've held onto have all been with the type of people who don't get offended if I fall off the face of the earth for a few months or more, people who provide the type of friendship that just picks up right where it left off regardless of how long you've not been in contact.

I find it very difficult to remain friends with people who take it personally or get hurt and angry if I don't contact them often enough since I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind when that happens, and also the kind of person who tends not to answer or sometimes even have a phone... I'm not saying that you are that type of person, but if you are bitter to the people who you felt "froze you out," it will just push them away. It's better to let go and see who your true friends are/make new ones.
 
While that's true cutecute, I also think it's a bit of a cop out for putting zero effort into relationships. If they are really important to you, you wouldn't be so comfortable abandoning them at the drop of a hat.

I've had the same core group of friends for over 15yrs now. There have been times in my life where I haven't been available or haven't felt like I had time for these relationships - but I make time because I owe it to these people, more than I owe it to the girlfriend I've had for 2 months.

I don't want to just point the finger at women, but in my experience, they are the worst offenders when it comes to ditching their friends, especially when they get into a relationship. Middle-class women are just awful, because the minute they find out an old friend has a baby or has gotten married, or somehow has a life that is 'compatible' with the one they've built, they will gratuitously put the olive branch out. It drives me nuts how transparently selfish people can be.

Sorry for the rant.
 
It's okay to lose contact with some friends. I have gone through many friends. Some because of me, some because of them. People grow up, people move on, people move away.
I very rarely contact my friends from high school. There are two of them that I talk to on occasion. Only three of my friends from university do I talk to sometimes. When I think about my friends a year ago, I don't talk to them all as much anymore.
Friendships come and go. Sometimes you can "rekindle" them. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it is like you never lost contact.
Sometimes "staying in contact" is just really hard. Once people are married, in relationships, move, get a new job, etc. ... it's hard to keep in contact with everyone. Move on, find new friends to hang out with :)
 
For me though i don't like getting ignored. I know its selfish but if i try to stay in touch then why can't they?
 
woah needy^- if you have one friend to do things with once a week then you're lucky.

if people ignore you dont fixate upon it, move on... meet new people and keep a wide variety.
 
I've noticed the same thing OP. It's gotten to the point where I don't take it personal since people do get busy, and I figure that if/when they want to contact me they will since you can't make someone contact you or be your friend.

Out of all the people I graduated with from highschool in a large class I only keep in contact with maybe 5 of them. I went to a large university and I just stay in contact with six friends I met while there and I had a lot more than that while in college.
 
llama112 said:
It's okay to lose contact with some friends. I have gone through many friends. Some because of me, some because of them. People grow up, people move on, people move away.
I very rarely contact my friends from high school. There are two of them that I talk to on occasion. Only three of my friends from university do I talk to sometimes. When I think about my friends a year ago, I don't talk to them all as much anymore.
Friendships come and go. Sometimes you can "rekindle" them. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it is like you never lost contact.
Sometimes "staying in contact" is just really hard. Once people are married, in relationships, move, get a new job, etc. ... it's hard to keep in contact with everyone. Move on, find new friends to hang out with :)
Click to expand...

I think that summed it up very well.
 
no, I wouldn't call OP needy. I fall of the face of the earth from time to time, but I learned that it's just shitty to ignore people and be ignored. I really don't like people's style these days. People are really cold motherfuckers.
 
I sound like one of your friends who doesn't get back to you, I can only give my perspective so it's probably different for others. But I rarely respond to messages/texts/calls, not because I don't want to speak to the people at that time, but because I'm probably too wrapped up in my own thing, my phones on silent at the time and the message gets lost in with the other 30 messages in my inbox, a week later there's 100 unread messages, most of them shit and I totally forget.
Alternatively, I enjoy my private time, I like being alone and I like having interactions when I feel like it and often I just don't feel like chatting to someone or going out. Sometimes I just like to be left alone for days, if not weeks, I don't check my messages and/or turn my phone off for a long period of time and once again they just get lost in a load of other messages. The difference I guess is, I make this clear with my friends so we all know where we stand and they know that it's not personal.

Selfish; yes, but my real friends know this and get on with doing their own thing and we'll end up having an amazing, inspiring and interesting interaction at some point, because at times they're too busy when I feel like contacting them and times I'm too busy/locked away when they want me.

If they're like me, then just get on with doing your own thing, make new friends, don't hang around waiting for people like us because we're unreliable unless it's really important. I've lost several friends because they can't accept that's how I am and expect me to want to interact on their terms. Don't hold it against them if you are really friends, because it's just the way some people are, and I know that my good friends are good friends because they will be there when the time is right for both of us.
 
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I guess i don't understand the need to being alone. I grew up alone. I hated it. Its not worth it.
 
yeah okay- some degree of contact with others is necessary but at the same time if you cant be happy with your own company then thats not good either.

in life you have to make new friends and aquaintances constantly as life is always changing. what suits a friendship when young is different when older and in time people change/get new priorities/move

get with the program and make some new friends. changing jobs/schools always gets new people in your life. unfortunately new friends can be a random process.

if you are trying to hang out with people to stem a feeling of loneliness thats not good, you should be chilling with people because they entertain you in some way, not because they fill an empty void. that void needs to be filled by you and your self esteem, not the affections of others.
 
^I've never seen this complete person you try to describe. 99% of us do feel a bit empty if we don't have someone close and all the crappy self-esteem training in the world will never change that.

Happy with your own company? What do you expect the poor guy to do, have conversations with himself all the time? Sure, one needs to be able to pass some time alone here and there to be realisitic, but you can't shelve all the blame on him for being a normal thinking and feeling human being who wants to interact with others.

Affection from another human being is important to most of us, and that's the truth. The attempt to deny this truth coming from crummy magazine columnists and self-help gurus is actually way more self-defeating. The problem is there are very few ways to meet new people, even in college so many people were glued to their phones when walking to class. People just don't interact with each other anymore.

There is no reason to judge OP and everyone else on here as having low self-esteem. I think OP is reasonable and wants to enjoy his youth with someone and that's perfectly natural. The real problem is people are really shady fuckers these days. People don't even have decent manners anymore.
 
MyFinalRest said:
^I've never seen this complete person you try to describe. 99% of us do feel a bit empty if we don't have someone close and all the crappy self-esteem training in the world will never change that.

Happy with your own company? What do you expect the poor guy to do, have conversations with himself all the time? Sure, one needs to be able to pass some time alone here and there to be realisitic, but you can't shelve all the blame on him for being a normal thinking and feeling human being who wants to interact with others.

Affection from another human being is important to most of us, and that's the truth. The attempt to deny this truth coming from crummy magazine columnists and self-help gurus is actually way more self-defeating. The problem is there are very few ways to meet new people, even in college so many people were glued to their phones when walking to class. People just don't interact with each other anymore.

There is no reason to judge OP and everyone else on here as having low self-esteem. I think OP is reasonable and wants to enjoy his youth with someone and that's perfectly natural. The real problem is people are really shady fuckers these days. People don't even have decent manners anymore.
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when you are alone it shouldn't feel shit- it should just feel like baseline. i used to get offended cos so and so didn't talk to me within a certain timeframe but now i think "they have their own life, if i see them great if not, i'll go see someone else". when i became less needy i just found that i had more people to spend time with (or i appreciated the time i spent with them a lot more). i dunno what changed but something did and i'm glad it did.

maybe this comes with having a social circle, it can be difficult to generate. theres no instant fix but being happy within yourself will in time attract people to you that being miserable wont
 
Well, sometimes it's baseline...sometimes you really just want to spend some time with someone special to you. Being happy within yourself ain't really everything. True, some people need to reconcile these feelings inside, but to say that inner happiness attracts people is pretty much a myth. It's hard to say what attracts people to other people. Me, I like nice and respectful people. Also, I'm very appreciative of courtesy and somebody that replies to messages and seeks to take communication further rather than someone who avoids it. Even a simple "I'm busy, sorry" is ok. It's better than a silent freeze out. Inwardly, I often stay happy, but from experience that has little to do with finding new friendships. New friendships are often by chance it seems.

Maybe instead of focusing so much on what's going on within, we need to get out of our own little worlds and little social circles and this would increase the level of interaction and improve the chances of us connecting with people that are truly compatible with us.
I don't mean to criticize, but this worn out shit about "self-esteem and developing your inner being" will somehow magically fix everything in life is not the answer. Developing relations with others is the other important part and both sides have to meet in the middle. It takes effort from both people to have true friendships. Attracting people with inner goodness like "moths to a flame" is not the right idea - it fails to realize that people aren't moths.
 
MyFinalRest said:
Being happy within yourself ain't really everything. True, some people need to reconcile these feelings inside, but to say that inner happiness attracts people is pretty much a myth.

It's hard to say what attracts people to other people. New friendships are often by chance it seems.
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well i'm more attracted to positive people who are relaxed within themselves than whiny needy glass half empty sorts. for me being happy has just generally attracted more people to me, i'm not desperate to be best friends with everyone, for me a wide variety of interaction is good and a few choice friends. i dont see them every five seconds but my world is still intact. am i crazy? no i am just content as an adult with my own life goals which social realities must fit around.
 
Aah I'm sorry it bothers you so much but it's true most people just tend to I dunno, 'move on' quite quickly, I do that as well really...if your relationship with the person changes (by which I mean you stop going to the same school for example, or whatever), don't take it personally if they create a distance between you two. Most of the time it just seems to be a natural reaction: when people go through change in their lives, they change their contacts as well.
 
This was a large part of the reason I was happy to leave the US and make a life somewhere else, where friendships and social life form about 70% of what you do. Where I used to live, I wouldn't see my best friend for several months despite living just a few minutes from one another. People get too tied up in work, or in their own lives, and don't see the value of relationships and what you need to do to keep them healthy. They say that having many healthy friendships is crucial to one's mental, spiritual & physical health, and can make you live longer.

The OP definitely isn't needy, and I agree.. spending time alone can really suck, especially if it's all the time. It's important to be comfortable alone, but spending time by yourself can also make you depressed and lonely.

I've had a lot of people freeze me out... either intentionally or unintentionally, and it hurts. I also take it really personally when people don't keep promises - ie., about getting together, or when they flake last-minute on plans. I think some people especially in the US get so caught up in the "busy" excuse that it becomes a way of life, and even if they're not really busy constantly they make themselves believe that they are.

My advice would be to try to join as many social-groups or activities that you can find... meetup (the website) groups were really popular in the city that I lived in, and even volunteer work will make you feel a lot better. Try forming relationships with people for certain contexts... ie., neighbors, helping an elderly neighbor get groceries or walk their dog, mentoring or tutoring at your local school, responding to craigslist ads for sports or clubs, etc. The more people you know and the more you see on a regular basis, the less upset you'll feel when someone breaks their plans or stops asking you how you are.

I had a really huge wake-up moment when I realized that I'd gone several days without my friends or family asking me how I was, checking in on me, or even making sure I was still alive. I read a really good book about the breakdown of community in America (it's called Bowling Alone) and I believe that it's 100% true.. people are far less involved in social groups these days that help keep communities together. Sure we have social media and forums and the whole damn internet... but it isn't a replacement.

People go through changes. Sometimes people get wrapped up in what's going on, or they don't have the ability to care for people other than themselves. They also feel guilty if they've flaked twice and then they just keep avoiding so that they don't have to face the fact that they were a shitty person. But the OP is definitely not needy and none of the excuses or explanations are legit, nor should anyone think that this is a good way for humans to operate within society.

I totally understand how you feel tomdpimp. Try to do what you can to make yourself as busy as possible in as many ways as you can. A hard lesson for me to learn was that not every friend of mine would be the type of friend for "everything" (ie., for drinking... or for going out for dinner... or for coffee... or phone calls... some people are just one-trick-pony friends). If you seem to encounter a lot of people like that, try to collect as many as you can.

Edit - I want to add that where I live now, people value friendships and social life so much more than I ever encountered in the US. I see and talk to best friends, regular friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and neighbors on a daily basis. It was a huge life change, but I'm so much happier having left!
 
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