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when do you know you lost your battle w/ drugs!?

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
1,256
Location
Looking-Glass Land
title speaks for itself.

I just got in a car accident this past Wednesday; blew a 2.0 - so yes, I was drunk. I am also a daily heroin user; been losing my battle to heroin for years and years and years now. started w/ opiates back in the late 90's when graduating highschool in 2000! went to jail in 04/05 for trafficking of Oxycontin. stayed sober for 5 years between time on the inside and then upon release. finally found Oxy 80's again and went down that road but not daily use; from there the 80's disappeared and the 30's came about. eventually I was doing 6-10 30's a day and switched to heroin. at first I was snorting but after about 6 months I couldnt afford to snort 2G's a day so I started shooting half gram shots and whatnot. since then I have been on a steady spiral DOWNWARD!

yes, I am addicted to HEROIN only.. but I do ALL DRUGS and ALCOHOL as well. I drink to blackout; I shoot to nod; I take benzo's to sleep; I do coke to stay up; I smoke weed to relax; I take addy to work harder; I take Phenibut to feel "good"; name a drug/give me a drug and I will take it.

so yes, I kinda can tell I lost my battle w/ drugs but I truly DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO w/ MYSELF!

I do not come from money, family does not have money, I live out on my own, I am 31 and will be 32 soon enough, and do not have the time/money/afford to just check into a 6 month program. so what the fuck do I do?

do I have to wait till these drugs fucking kill me? 2 DUI's and it led to 2 TOTALED CARS.. yes, I totaled my car TWICE! I have OD'd multiple times but only woke up in the hospital twice; many times I would shoot and pretend I felt nothing and shoot another half gram right away and then wake up 12-14hrs later. sure, some may not consider that an OD but I dont have a fucking clue what happened.. so to me that is def. an OD. I've also had to be carried out of clubs/bars in the past due to me G'ing out (OD from GHB).

do you think I got a problem? cuz I sure do.
 
Probably,
Can't speak from experience but I would get around people that don't use.. cut off your contacts, suppliers, buyers.. rent a room in an honest household and try absorb some of their normality.
Have you tried to go clean before?
 
Well, if you had millions of dollars in the bank, do you think you still would have a drug problem?

Answer is yes, IMO ........having all the money in the world doesn't mean you don't have problems, it means you can buy anything you want. Actually, having all that money could kill you faster at the pace you're going.

I see you don't enjoy drinking because you do it to blackout. It seems you do everything to the extreme & you need to slow down.........I stopped drinking over 10 years ago because I drank to get drunk & never could enjoy a beer or two with friends & I hated the taste of alcohol.

I'm assuming there are free maintenance programs out there that can help you. The only people that get clean or the ones that really want to.

Do you want to slow down your consumption of drug use or quit altogether?

As far as when do you know you lost your battle with drugs? There are different circumstances for everyone & you may have lost the battle for a while but its not over until you've lost the war, which IMO, is when you're not here with us on earth.

Don't give up hope & push forward......I do believe if you want to get clean, no matter how hard it is, with a little help, you can do it. You've already taken the 1st step by acknowledging you have a problem.......now take steps to overcome what has overwhelmed you for years. Good Luck!
 
I think this would fit better in The Dark Side if you don't mind me moving it there.
 
put it wherever you want.. I am just looking to discuss w/ other who feel they are losing the battle.

do I want to get clean? I THINK SO! but I want to get clean only because I am BROKE AS FUCK! and I am also in trouble w/ the law and such. if I had millions upon millions then yes, I would be using to the extreme and probably OD; it's sad but I would actually WANT that. sick thing to say, right? I'd be shooting up like crazy.
 
You only lose the battle if you stop trying to get clean imo.
 
when you been trying for 13 years now and keep failing and failing you kinda feel the battle has been lost. esp. when you find yourself in TONS OF TROUBLE involving your drug/drinking problems.

part of me wants to just go to jail so I can get clean for a bit and try that way again. it worked for me last time and I stayed clear for many years only to slip up and be on a steady decline for the last 4-6years.
 
For me my goal is abstinence from drugs, by drugs I include alcohol and nicotine but I don't include genuinely required medication, if I was on methadone or subs, which I'm not I'd have to form an opinion, but of a cop out but I don't have the experience with opiates to have a valuable opinion on that detail.

At the moment I'm down to monthly/ish binges on amphetamines (sulphate or meth) along with benzos to aid the whole thing along, I've had various other more damaging problems in the past someof them daily habits.

To an extent I live a damage limitation ethos ATM, over the ,last few years I've concentrated on cutting out what was damaging me most and aslo I've been trying to improve my mental health.

The idea that the battle can ever be lost isn't something I accept is possible unless you make that personal choice, the option to carry on fighting is always open to you, even when all seems lost the choice to keep fighting is still yours, I've met people days away from death from cancer that are still fighting for every last second.

Life is the one thing we have, it's provided FOC, you give up on it, it doesn't give up on you IMHO:)
 
well, I had a stage 2 brain cancer over the last 2 years; had a 8 inch tumor on the right side of the brain and 4 inches were removed over the last 2 years. prior to that I had a drug problem that spiraled out of control once the cancer was found/hit. yea, we can look at this many ways, but I am losing the battle in more ways than one.

we'll see, tho.. I am going to TRY methadone. I have tried bupe before and failed miserably; only to end up back in the ER after another OD.
 
^yep you lose when they kill you. But I no longer believe its a life long battle.

Methadone may be your ticket for awhile.. its a dissociative and given you drink booze to a .2 0n a full blown heroin addiction it may be your drug.
 
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if you got a second DUI thats usually 60 days minimum. i suggest you enroll in a program, inpatient i would suggest but outpatient would look good to the judge also. then they will probaly just sentence you to finish out the program. do it and make it easier on yourself.

and yeah, you definetly have a problem. if you're asking then you got one, sorry to say man.
 
dude/ w.o a doubt I have a problem. I am not ASKING you guys if I have a problem; I am TELLING YOU GUYS that I have a problem and letting you know about my problem and how I see it and how it's viewed overall! dude, w/o a doubt I have a problem. I am HOPING to FIX this problem to the best of my ability. we'll see, tho. I have problems.. ALOT of them and hoping something happens SOON and that something is GOOD! let's see, tho.
 
Good thread BBT. I am currently 58 and in it to the bitter end. But I guess that comes with a caveat that I will get to in a bit.

I played around with some of the "lower" opiates, if you will, namely hydrocodone. Did this for several years and only a few times a year. In the early 90's it begin to happen with greater frequency and I begin to doctor shop. Finally in the late 90's the internet brought us those great online pharmacies and bottles of 120 ct Watson Norcos. I loved those little yellow pills! As before I begin to doctor shop on the net. I remember recieving 3 bottles of Norco's on a single day.....360 pills that I was determined to make last for a couple months---at least. Of course gone in a single month. At this point I realized that this was unsustainable....I COULD NOT keep this up!!! So enter that most maligned of opioids, tramadol. Did not take but a single bottle of 38 pills to sell me on this wonderdrug. So started a 10 year run that at it's height reached ~40 pills a day, yep that is no misprint...40! Now that was only for 2 or 3 months, but for 5 years I did have a close to a 30 pills a day habit. I spent between $500-$600 a month ordering pills from the net to feed my need. In 2010 I had my only Grand Mal seizure. In 2011 I made a decision to reduce my habit. I knew it was only a matter of time before the places I ordered from went out of business or my state made tramadol a controlled substance thus unabled to be shipped to my state. I got my habit down to 18 pills a day by 2012. But in July of that year I experienced a life changing event, I had a spinal cord stroke. This occurs much like a regular stroke but instead of affecting the brain and killing nerve cells it affects the spinal cord damaging/killing nerve cells. This sci left me paralyzed from the waist down and wheelchair bound for nearly a year. But the stroke was an incomplete stroke and I still had feeling in my legs and lower back, along with PAIN....thus the previous caveat.

As I said above I have pain from the waist down. My lower back constantly aches, just a continuous pain that is always in the background and if not for my legs would definitely take the stage. I have neuropathy in my legs that causes stinging and burning 24/7 , but I also have deeper pain, especially in my right leg, that would be almost incapacitating without my current meds. I am on tramadol 300mgs a day, lyrica 450mgs a day, percocet 10/325 40mgs daily, and morphine er 60mgs a day. Currently this combo at the current levels is providing the relief I need, but I can see them having to be raised as time progresses. I have a great doc and he and I are on the same page when it comes to my pain needs. I would be lying if I said I didnt abuse my meds a little to catch a buzz and I do! I just have to realize that if I do this to often I will run out before time to refill. I am prescribed 180 tramadol monthly and I also order 180 a month from an online. This helps immensely when I run out early. Funny though I have found that using these meds, when you have true pain, can be done correctly, but the addict in me just has to get high once in a while or once a day if possible!! LOL This is why I consider myself more an addict than a cpp, or just an addict who is a cpp. Anyway, and in closing, I am a permanently disabled 58yo who is rretired after 30 years of teaching middle school...yeah a functional addict....that will be in need of pain control for the rest of my life. And doctors don't mind dispensing scheduled drugs to someone who has reached these "milestones" and have little else, if any, to contribute.......I'll take those odds ALL DAY LONG.

Meant to add that after being wheelchair bound for nearly a year I now get around with a walker. ... hopefully a cane before all said and done....and have been driving since September.
 
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^ I agree 100% and I'm only 25 years old, but those doctors are happy and ready to scribble down any script. And sadly I'm so young and willing to take that shit and run with it. Fuck it my liver will make me pay one day.
 
Edgewise, that's intense. Be careful with the tramadol.

Boston BrownTown, you still around?
 
yeaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mannnn.. I am still around. should I not be? bee

I start the done tomorrow. <snip> I was going to shoot tonight but then realized I would be not feeling so good after my first done dosage.
 
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