3-MMC fueled wall of text ahead with TL;DR at the end. Not sure if this is 100% accurate since I'm trying to remember the last 7 years of my life and they kind of are a blur in my mind.
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Since I started using drugs at 15 I had always been fascinated by opioids, I used to read about drugs and trip reports for hours at a time and really wanted to try them due to their status as the hardest of drugs and how orgasmic they were said to feel.
I was 17 at the time and smoked weed frequently, took DXM and benzos every once in a while and had dabbled in street drugs like speed, ketamine, "MDMA" (untested powder) and a few cannabinoid Research Chemicals.
I finally got to try my first opioid 7 years ago (I even made a thread on here
https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/methadone-first-time-questions.700142/), it was 5mg of methadone out of a 20mg bottle which i had gotten from a homeless person for 5 euros, it was me and a friend of mine trying it togheter and we barely felt it but I wanted to play it safe as I've always been very into harm reduction and using safely.
Initially we wanted to take only 5 milligrams and throw away the rest, which obviously didn't happen, so after that experience I took small doses of methadone followed by weed smoking every once in a while, probably once a month or less.
The first "real" opioid high I ever had was one day when my usual methadone "dealer" didn't have any so he directed us to another homeless man who had a 2mg Subutex pill. We brought it home, split it in 2 and snorted 1mg each.
Man, I still remember when after about half an hour I felt this incredible rush, it felt like a euphoric brick to the face.
We then spent several hours just sitting on the couch, nodding in and out of reality while listening to shoegaze.
That was probably the best opioid high I've ever had, it was just so incredible and I've never felt like that from buprenorphine ever again.
After that, I decided to use bupe exclusively, but still not very often at all, I was very careful not to use often because I was fully aware of how adddictive that feeling could be.
We found another guy that could source the bupe and we got it from him a few times, one day though he didn't have any and instead he offered us the big H, heroin.
Looking back it was super shitty and wayyy over-priced stuff, he made us snort a line and I didn't really feel anything at all, but it wouldn't be long until we found a better dealer.
At the time I had a job so I could pay for the drug but I still smoked it only on the weekend, getting high before or after work didn't even cross my mind, it was out of the question.
My friend though unfortunately was slowly but surely getting addicted to the stuff, for example if the dealer wasn't on time or wasn't answering his phone he would start to shake and panic.
I kept this pattern of use for quite a while and it was totally under control, I never craved opioids and wasn't physically addicted, it was just a little weekend treat.
As I mentioned, the heroin was really shitty and overpriced, so when we found another hookup for very cheap bupe I started using that exclusively again, I started buying tens of milligrams at a time and boofing it every weekend.
After a while I was boofing about 10 milligrams every weekend and re-upping whenever possible, at one point though I started to not really feel it anymore so I tried to reduce my dose (with bupe often less really is more) to about 2mg, which made me feel it again: that meant that 10mg were now 5 doses instead of just one and because of that after a while I started using it about every other day, just because I had so much and it was so cheap.
I remember one day when the guy didn't have any and I experienced withdrawals for the first time. They were extremely tame, I could still go to the gym, eat etc. but I definitely felt that something was wrong.
At this point I was using regularly but I wouldn't say I was mentally addicted, I could do without just fine, it's just that it was so cheap and I didn't really have anything going on in my life.
My work contract had expired so I spent all day every day in front of the computer playing League Of Legends or watching youtube videos and squirting opioid pills up my ass was the only exciting thing about my life really.
I don't really remember when I stopped using the bupe and switched to heroin again but it was probably 4-5 years ago.
At this point my friend had been addicted to the stuff for a while and started shooting it up with his homeless friends while I still used only on the weekends mostly.
One day I decided that I wanted to try IV because fuck it, right? I don't know how to shoot up anyway so it's not like I'm gonna do it often. We were at my friend's house while his parents were away and he shot me up: it felt really good. Not earth-shatteringly good or life-changing good like many people describe, but it was definitely way better than smoking it and cheaper.
After this I let my friend shoot me up when we would get some and, obviously, I learned how to do it myself not long after.
Up until then my use had been really mild and it didn't really interfere with my life much, but after I learned how to shoot up I gradually moved on to using every other day.
I would go out and shoot half a bag that I shared with my friend, and then stay in extremely mild withdrawals for a day, waiting for it to be over so we could shoot up again.
This lasted for several months, (at this point I was a videogame addicted NEET) until I finally found a job abroad.
This was my chance to leave it all behind, to get a fresh start and to quit this stupid drug that was slowly taking over my life, so I accepted without a second thought.
All I did was stop the heroin and take methadone for a few days before the flight, this way I didn't experience any withdrawals at all.
I lived abroad on my own for about a year, coming home a few times for the holidays and such where I would shoot heroin and coke with my "buddies".
While I was on my own away from home I regularly ordered RCs (lots of U-47700 and 4-FA binges, mmmmmmh) and drank lots of beer alone in my apartment which made me gain about 10 kilos (which I managed to lose fairly easily).
After a year or so I decided to go back home because the pay was kinda shitty and I missed my friends and family.
I'm not good at making friends and am generally a very introverted and reserved person, so I was extremely lonely there. All I did was going to work, then going back home, shitposting on political facebook groups all evening while drinking or using whatever RC I had, falling asleep late, waking up hungover, going to work again, rinse and repeat. It was pretty miserable.
Until then I wouldn't say opioids caused me problems, I was a succesful chipper for several years but unfortunately when I came back home 2 years ago I started using more and more (though I went back to only smoking because I knew shooting up so frequently was an extremely bad idea) and in 2019 I was using basically every day at one point, using up every single cent I earned from a job I found shortly after flying back.
I tried to quit many times, usually it would last a few weeks or even days and then I'd be back on it.
I would say my main problem was that smoking wasn't having that bad of an influence on my life, I still had a job, good health, a car and didn't live on the streets, so it was kind of hard not to rationalize my use as just a little fun.
I also didn't have any hobbies or anything like that so the only way I had to pass time was to do drugs, that and browsing the internet were my only pastimes.
At this point though whenever I didn't smoke for a day or so I would definitely get stronger withdrawals that would pass in about 3 days, they were very easy to just power through (which I did many times) but it was still no good, every time I tried to quit the withdrawals would be slightly worse than the last time.
It took me so many years to develop a "serious" habit but here I was, in 2019, smoking 80 euros worth of heroin almost every day just to feel normal and having to take methadone or loperamide or whatever if I wanted to try and quit or if I didn't have any H for the day.
Luckily I wasn't fooling myself and I could clearly see where this was going, I was slowly destroying my life and it had to stop.
In december I got some subs, waited 22 hours to take them and man, those were the worst 22 hours of my life.
I knew theoretically that my habit was getting out of control, but what really opened my eyes were the last withdrawals I experienced.
Never in my life had I felt so bad, the RLS and temperature shifts were unbearable, I had to walk in circles and punch my legs and arms to get some relief and I just felt so sick overall, like somebody poisoned me. It was torture, but I patiently waited until I could take the Suboxone; I had made up my mind that this was the time I'd quit for real.
I had experienced WDs many times before but this one was the worst by far, and the thing is that compared to what long term IV addicts feel when they WD it was probably relatively mild!
I took 6mg of bupe at the 22 hour mark and after 1 hour I wasn't feeling much better, so i took another 2mg and hopped in the shower with the water as hot as it could be, yet I still felt horribly cold, restless and dirty. You know the feeling, it's like your very bones are covered in nasty grease and sweat.
Slowly I started feeling a little better, the RLS calmed down but I was still feeling remarkably shitty.
I sat on tmy bed for hours browsing reddit, feeling quite bad still, and when night came I tried to sleep with no luck, I was still sweating and had to keep changing my position every 2 minutes or I'd feel like yelling.
I had to work the following day and I really, REALLY didn't want to go in that miserable condition, so I texted my dealer at midnight not really expecting anything and after about an hour he answered. I jumped in my car and was back home at roughly 2 a.m. where I sat on the toilet and smoked 60 euros worth of heroin.
Obviously I didn't get high because of the bupe and my tolerance in general but at least I finally felt somewhat normal.
I still couldn't sleep that night but at least I could go to work feeling comfortable.
That experience was so bad, I never wanted to feel like that ever again.
On the 24th of december I decided I was done: I blocked all of my dealers' numbers and got 8 boxes of loperamide to take during the next few days. (there was no way in hell I would've gone to Christmas lunch the following feeling like the day before)
That withdrawal really opened my eyes as to how bad my habit was getting, I managed to be a succesful chipper for so many years but I just couldn't keep it up forever, all I did was smoke heroin and then hang out with other junkies or get drunk alone in my car, i completely neglected my family, my hobbies, I didn't exercise, ate like shit, spent all of my money in stupid drugs and booze and my life overall was very sad and pathetic so I decided that that was it, 2020 is the year where I had change.
Up until today I had been stone cold sober except 2 times where I drank with my relatives at Christmas and at dinner with my parents and it really wasn't hard at all, because this time I'm 100% sure I want to quit.
I would say that I don't have an addictive personality, I was a chipper for what, 5 years? While all of my friends slipped and fell into poly-drug addictions and homelessness.
I had a couple of moments last week where I was starting to make excuses in my head to go and cop but it passed quickly.
Today I got some RCs I ordered last week in the mail, the wall of text is because of the 3-MMC and I don't think anybody will read it lol, but whatever I just felt like venting.
I've been exercising and meditating every day since the start of the year and I don't plan on stopping, I also got some 1P-LSD that I will use to micro-dose to help me better my life.
So far it's been really easy being off heroin and it's getting easier everyday, I'm sure all of this shitshow will seem like a bad dream in a few months if I keep building good habits and improving myself.
Yes I decided to get some RCs as a small treat, but I'm not gonna order any more except for more 1P-LSD if this microdosing experiment goes well and other psychedelics later this year, my intention isn't to be completely sober for the rest of my life, I've never had any problem with using dissociatives or stimulants every once in a while so those are gonna stay since I don't find them addictive at all, plus being ALWAYS sober is so boring, though I still think one should be 90% of the time.
It feels so good to have money in the bank, to wake up and not having to drive to the dealer who always makes me wait 20 minutes even though I always tell him I'm coming at least 30 minutes in advance, to enjoy just being alive, to run and lift weights without getting nauseous and feeling so pumped up, to feel emotions again, to enjoy music again...
I still have a long way to go in fixing my life, I still have basically no hobbies except for working out and reading and am still very much addicted to the internet, but I already feel so much better and am very hopeful for the future.
Do I regret my adventure with opioids? There definitely have been moments where I cursed myself for ever thinking it was a good idea to get that first methadone bottle, I have have spent thousands upon thousands of euros and wasted countless hours just hanging out with questionable people and almost getting arrested a few times. I lost so many good opportunities and I basically have to build a life from the ground up because I just never bothered, I literally have one actual friend because the ones I used to have are almost all junkies that I don't want anything to do with. I have brought much suffering to my parents.
Still, I would say some good came out of it, I can now relate to the suffering of some people much better and have so much more empathy for addicts and people with a troubled life in general.
Heroin abuse has been holding me back from achieving a decent life but at the same time I feel like it made me grow as a person in some ways and luckily I seriously decided to stop before it could take everything away, as in the end I'm still young and didn't destroy my body or get arrested or completely fuck up the relationship with my family.
Deciding to start smoking instead of IVing is also something I'm very grateful I did, I avoided so much more extra pain because of that.
I would say I don't regret it completely, because even though I suffered and made people suffer I think I'm a better person in some ways because of my experiences.
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TL;DR started with methadone from a homeless guy, switched to bupe, then to heroin, then to bupe and back to heroin, was a chipper for several years but started developing a habit in the last 2 years, been clean for 2 weeks.
Trying to recover myself right now.
