What's wrong with this?

[>Marquis<]

EDEN.

Each composed
Of equal ash and clay-
Made fine earth
For resentment's roots.

For a time
Rose-bush bloomed-
Soon strangled by
The vicious vine of spite.

Though both so soft
Time bred of them-
As one-
A toxic, callous trunk.

Sick, it set to flower.

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First off I have to ask if it actually makes any sense to anyone reading it.

It just 'feels' wrong.

 

[>Marquis<]

Each composed of equal ash and clay-
They made fine earth for resentment's roots.

For a time a rose-bush bloomed there-
Soon strangled by the vicious creeping vine of spite.

Though both so soft, time bred of them -as one-
A toxic, callous trunk.
-------------------
Teeny tiny changes... agh I dunno.

 

[(Wordy)]

I think the second version is much better; especially the way you've chosen to break the lines. Makes a big difference to the way it reads IMO.

 

[Raz]

I would get rid of the hyphens everywhere...it's a good piece, but they seem to be taking attention away from the actual words..

 

[(Wordy)]

I don't mind the dashes around "as one", but otherwise I agree!