I posted in here about a month ago in the beggining of january. I talked about some wierd feelings i've been having lately, and i got a lot of feedback about it.
Now it's been a month, i've stayed off drugs completely (exstacy), and i only feel worse. I don't know whats happening to me... but it's haunting me for 95% of my day.
EVREYWHERE that i go now... i spend 95% of the time thinking about "how things are different now" and how my "mind has changed". it's an obsession, i'm not exagerating either. When i go to church, i think about it for the whole hour. When i'm in my room watching TV, i just stare at the TV and think about how i use to be able to enjoy these shows better. When i go to the movies, by the time its over i barely remember any of the scenes that happened and hate what my mind is doing to me. Studying is alot harder, i know i use to be aLOT brighter. I have to read the same sentence over 5 times sometimes before it sinks in.
I think i've made my point about how bad it is.
I use to use to tear and get real sad when watching sad movies (i'm a guy) like that ending scene from braveheart... now i don't feel anything anymore. I do feel "sad" for most of the day... not because i'm feeling bad about myself or anything... i don't have low self esteem... i just am mad at my situation and can't have a good day because it HAUNTS me.
Am i depressed??? i have NO IDEA. I don't know what depression means anymore. I'm not anything CLOSE to suicidal and i'm not UNHAPPY... when i go out w/ friends ot have fun, i have fun, but if depression means that my mind is feeling DEPRESSED as in pressed down, then yeah, i'm feeling that. the best way to explain it is that 1/5 of my soul has died.
I lost absolutely all my sexual drive. I use to be so horny, just a girl looking at me and holding me would get me going and craving... now... i don't feel anything. I was at a party last night and had 2 different times when a girl showed me interest and we danced, chilled together, and talked. I only made out with them because that's what i'm suppose to do... i didn't feel anything when we did. i didn't evne want to, they initiated. I didn't even want to take it anywhere further. I've lost my sexual drive for a while now.
My mind feels like all the fluids in it when "thick", it's so hard to concentrate on things. Most of the time when i try to concentrate on things, i can't do it because then i start thinking about how fucked up my mind is and that i use to be able to concentrate on things better. It gets me at every turn.
Sometimes i take a shower, and my mind goes elsewhere for so long that when i'm done showering, i have NO IDEA how long i've been there. i can't even remember what i was thinking about... but chances are it was about the changes that are happening in my mind. that's all i think about.
I can even feel it in my eyes... when i look from left to right... it's all a little chopped up instead of fluid. kind of like being high or really drunk. My mind feels "tired".
I think i've made my point pretty well here... i want this feeling to go away, and want to be able to make vivid memories and have vivid feelings again. i'm just a robot now... i perform actions.
I feel medicine head 24/7, with a mix of hangover, and burnt-out feeling from smoking, and just flat out tired sometimes. i feel like the day before i went to a club and did a really good pill... and i'm getting that "dopey" feeling the next day when you just don't perform as well and you're tired. Thats what makes me think it's linked to my seratonin.
I still don't get much sleep though, i'm in college so i need alot of time to get stuff done and still enjoy myself. or at least TRY to enjoy myself. but if i had a chance to sleep, i can sleep for over 12 hours no problem. and go back to sleep 6 hours later.
I also realized how much fun i use to have sober... now i can only have CLOSE to fun being very drunk. and being drunk isn't as fun either... cause even when i'm drunk all i can think about is what i'm feeling.
what do i do???? what do you think?
thank you, please reply.
Now it's been a month, i've stayed off drugs completely (exstacy), and i only feel worse. I don't know whats happening to me... but it's haunting me for 95% of my day.
EVREYWHERE that i go now... i spend 95% of the time thinking about "how things are different now" and how my "mind has changed". it's an obsession, i'm not exagerating either. When i go to church, i think about it for the whole hour. When i'm in my room watching TV, i just stare at the TV and think about how i use to be able to enjoy these shows better. When i go to the movies, by the time its over i barely remember any of the scenes that happened and hate what my mind is doing to me. Studying is alot harder, i know i use to be aLOT brighter. I have to read the same sentence over 5 times sometimes before it sinks in.
I think i've made my point about how bad it is.
I use to use to tear and get real sad when watching sad movies (i'm a guy) like that ending scene from braveheart... now i don't feel anything anymore. I do feel "sad" for most of the day... not because i'm feeling bad about myself or anything... i don't have low self esteem... i just am mad at my situation and can't have a good day because it HAUNTS me.
Am i depressed??? i have NO IDEA. I don't know what depression means anymore. I'm not anything CLOSE to suicidal and i'm not UNHAPPY... when i go out w/ friends ot have fun, i have fun, but if depression means that my mind is feeling DEPRESSED as in pressed down, then yeah, i'm feeling that. the best way to explain it is that 1/5 of my soul has died.
I lost absolutely all my sexual drive. I use to be so horny, just a girl looking at me and holding me would get me going and craving... now... i don't feel anything. I was at a party last night and had 2 different times when a girl showed me interest and we danced, chilled together, and talked. I only made out with them because that's what i'm suppose to do... i didn't feel anything when we did. i didn't evne want to, they initiated. I didn't even want to take it anywhere further. I've lost my sexual drive for a while now.
My mind feels like all the fluids in it when "thick", it's so hard to concentrate on things. Most of the time when i try to concentrate on things, i can't do it because then i start thinking about how fucked up my mind is and that i use to be able to concentrate on things better. It gets me at every turn.
Sometimes i take a shower, and my mind goes elsewhere for so long that when i'm done showering, i have NO IDEA how long i've been there. i can't even remember what i was thinking about... but chances are it was about the changes that are happening in my mind. that's all i think about.
I can even feel it in my eyes... when i look from left to right... it's all a little chopped up instead of fluid. kind of like being high or really drunk. My mind feels "tired".
I think i've made my point pretty well here... i want this feeling to go away, and want to be able to make vivid memories and have vivid feelings again. i'm just a robot now... i perform actions.
I feel medicine head 24/7, with a mix of hangover, and burnt-out feeling from smoking, and just flat out tired sometimes. i feel like the day before i went to a club and did a really good pill... and i'm getting that "dopey" feeling the next day when you just don't perform as well and you're tired. Thats what makes me think it's linked to my seratonin.
I still don't get much sleep though, i'm in college so i need alot of time to get stuff done and still enjoy myself. or at least TRY to enjoy myself. but if i had a chance to sleep, i can sleep for over 12 hours no problem. and go back to sleep 6 hours later.
I also realized how much fun i use to have sober... now i can only have CLOSE to fun being very drunk. and being drunk isn't as fun either... cause even when i'm drunk all i can think about is what i'm feeling.
what do i do???? what do you think?
thank you, please reply.