What's the most energizing/uplifting benzo?

[negrogesic]

I have high basal anxiety levels and am basically a shut in. I started using xanax around 10 years ago so I could function. Half a milligram to 1 mg made a huge difference for me. It was the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It made me very outgoing and sociable without being messy. I've been addicted to benzos ever since. Now 'xanax' is not fucking alprazolam, there's all sorts of analogues that is passed off as xanax. They are all shit. Very messy substances that ruin your tolerance, self control, and cause very bad anterograde amnesia.

I was able to responsibly self medicate 2 mg - max of 3mg of xanax or rough equivalent of etizolam for years and was highly functional. People would only suspect I was using drugs when I was abstinent. Then shit happened and I started abusing them and flualp, clonazolam etc. My tolerance got messed up bad. I was messed up really bad. I was in blackout mode for way too long. Trying to quit I had severe rebound anxiety and WD's where I would have psychotic delusions from days with no sleep and constantly on the verge of panic. I was not violent, i was terrorfied.

I have since tapered down a lot over the course of a year. But 'xanax' is definitely not the same now as it was a decade ago. Fuck knows what it is. Now I only use it to sleep, though It doesn't leave me rested, or even last long enough to get me through the night without a redose. I wake up feeling strung out and feel extreme lethargy and anhedonia. Most of the day I feel agitated and hypersensitive to environmental noise, light, and would describe myself as agoraphobic, or even hikikomori, if not just downright bed ridden unless I use some benzologue or opiate.

Over the decade I went from being extremely fit and aesthetic as I abused my body through exercise (3+ hours of intense cardio and resistance training a day) and diet to manage my anxiety (which was not a healthy coping mechanism, but it was healthier, mostly safer, and easier to quit once I found xanax), to now being obese, very unfit, mostly sedentary and isolated having a debilitating severely disabling and chronic pain inducing bone injury from an avoidably accident that requires very intrusive orthopedic surgery to heal, which I won't receive unless I'm clean (which is shit because I'd be better able to get clean if I wasn't physically disabled and in chronic pain, yet I don't have the will power to get clean first).

I can't even get clean even though I get no real positive effects besides some shut eye with shallow sleep, the courage to leave my house, and the respite from overwhelming lethargy to even do the basics to take care of my basic bodily needs, and ultimately stop trying to will myself to die.

I wasn't altogether when I discovered xanax, now I feel my body and mind are completely dilapidated.

Tl;dr: If you find benzos to be your DoC, just try to be very careful and set limits on your usage. Don't intentionally abuse them if shit happens. Also don't underestimate the dangers of powerful rc benzos, which are likely ingredients of shit passed off as xanax or alprazolam, even etizolam.

Trust me, I'm a hypocrite. Take care everyone.

I have been there. It is possible to get off of them. Horrifying process though.

That said, they fucked me up pretty much forever. I'm permanently far more anxious than i ever was before them. But life on benzos is even worse, the anhedonia and feeling of emptiness is like being a shell of yourself.

 

[Dilapidated]

I have been there. It is possible to get off of them. Horrifying process though.

That said, they fucked me up pretty much forever. I'm permanently far more anxious than i ever was before them. But life on benzos is even worse, the anhedonia and feeling of emptiness is like being a shell of yourself.

Thank you for your sharing your genuine experiential understanding and acknowledgement of where I'm at, and providing a realistic set of expectations of what to expect should I have the constitution to beat this demon that has lead me down the path to where I can see a crossroad. The path of least resistance will continue to destroy me, whereas slogging through the path of commitment to facing my trauma, fears and overwhelming tes of resolve will not undo my mistakes and place me back the where I once was. Though it will allow me to take steps in the right direction towards restoring my self worth at least to a point that I feel somewhat valued as worthy of have existed and perhaps living.

Apologies to all for hijacking this thread with my depressing and cliche self pitying contribution. I'm not seeking pity, though I genuinely appreciate negrogesic taking the time to respond with an empathic message of shared experience. It has provided me some impetus to perceive the paths ahead of me and accept that taking steps toward the right direction is worth trying, challenging me reassess my long held somewhat distorted beliefs that doing so is ultimately impossible, futile, and not worth the personal effort or the burden upon others for seeking help where it is needed.

I have been doing OK lately, though it's incredibly difficult to acknowledge any successes when overwhelmed with an inundation of lifetime of traumatic memories and reliving them in vivid detail with no end in sight besides the ultimate end and the fear of the possibilities of the unknown.

My only hope expressing this here is that someone may be consider not making similar choices I have and will be more considerate to their future self.

I'm not usually this chatty, as for one thing I'm typing on Windows on screen keyboard, and a largely destructive dominate voice within me inculcates i'm not only coming hear empty handed, but also with a hand extended ostensibly for help, that will inexorably, against my will and best efforts to avoid, will potentially drag anyone down with me should they offer their hand in support of a worthless man drowning in self loathing.
Once again, my sincere apologies for any disturbance here. I know this is not the thread for my polluted stream of conscious. That said, I feel somewhat better having got this incoherent thought process somewhat near the right first step towards recovery. After lurking here a while longer, Bluelight feels like the best community I've found that feels like a home. I just need to find my place within to allow myself to feel accepted and comfortable in my head without dragging others down, or misbehaving in ways that harm others, or myself.

Thank you, and sorry.