What's Left of You.
7.25.01
A tattered picture, hanging on my wall.
I hung it there, years ago,
when we first met. It was a constant
reminder of a day
I can never forget...
The day your image in my mind
took a shape --
The day a hug from you
became something i could feel.
The day your words,
which had touched and intrigued me from day one,
took a voice.
An old letter, yellowed and wrinkled from the hands of time.
I read it so very long ago,
but only tonight did I truly feel the pain,
the hurt,
of the hand that wrote this.
I see you, sitting in your room,
smoking a bowl,
writing.
Putting all your passion down on paper,
A paper you probably thought got thrown away long ago.
But I still have it,
buried in a pile of old letters, fliers and such.
And every now and then,
I think about reading it,
but i dont.
Tonight, I did.
A flier, from a party that in my mind, never ended.
A party that changed my life.
A party that made my life turn in a positive direction.
A party I cried at the end of,
all the way home.
A party where i never got to say goodbye to you,
much less sit down and talk about our dreams,
and the complexities of the world,
and of fate
for a few hours,
away from the crowd.
An assortment of emails -- hundreds of them -- that stretch back to the first one you ever sent me.
Emails where you rambled,
late in the night,
about everything from dreams, to nightmares,
from happy thoughts to suicide thoughts.
Emails sent during the boring day at work,
back and worth to pass the time,
to make us laugh.
Emails written at random,
poetry that we used to escape reality.
words you knew only i could understand.
Thoughts that you couldn't share with anyone else.
Tears that you were afraid for anyone to see but me.
Emails that gave me a thumbs up when i needed it,
a pat on the back,
a virtual hug,
some words of wisdom,
or just a "hello" to remind me that i'm in your thoughts.
Today, there was no email from you. Nor yesterday. And I wonder if there will be tomorrow. Work dragged, advice never came, no goodnight, and no goodbye.
I'm empty.
A futal memory... or maybe a thousand. i really dont have the time to count.
Memories of 2 brief meetings,
Each of which ended in heartache.
Each of which didn't "go as planned."
Memories of a few brief telephone conversations about nothing...
The meaning of a name,
The things which we thought but never said...
The bitching about significant others who dont understand...
The wishing to move, always to move far far away...
Memories of a trip gone all wrong...
to a strange city,
on a lonely night,
Only to hear your voice all too briefly,
And be left disappointed.
Haunting posts.
There will always be those words that you said,
Not to me,
To no one in particular...
The way your name appears in a post,
and reminds me that you are still out there somewhere...
A post about a party that you'll be at,
That I'm tempted to go to,
But then dont.
A post about some great thing that happened to you,
And I want to congratulate you,
But cant.
A post about a shitty day you had,
And I want to comfort you,
Tell you "It's alright"
And throw on DJ Buzz Fuzz...
But i wont.
These are the things i have left of you...
That and the sleepless nights,
Where I sit at this damn computer and write...
And the words come,
But you do not.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."
7.25.01
A tattered picture, hanging on my wall.
I hung it there, years ago,
when we first met. It was a constant
reminder of a day
I can never forget...
The day your image in my mind
took a shape --
The day a hug from you
became something i could feel.
The day your words,
which had touched and intrigued me from day one,
took a voice.
An old letter, yellowed and wrinkled from the hands of time.
I read it so very long ago,
but only tonight did I truly feel the pain,
the hurt,
of the hand that wrote this.
I see you, sitting in your room,
smoking a bowl,
writing.
Putting all your passion down on paper,
A paper you probably thought got thrown away long ago.
But I still have it,
buried in a pile of old letters, fliers and such.
And every now and then,
I think about reading it,
but i dont.
Tonight, I did.
A flier, from a party that in my mind, never ended.
A party that changed my life.
A party that made my life turn in a positive direction.
A party I cried at the end of,
all the way home.
A party where i never got to say goodbye to you,
much less sit down and talk about our dreams,
and the complexities of the world,
and of fate
for a few hours,
away from the crowd.
An assortment of emails -- hundreds of them -- that stretch back to the first one you ever sent me.
Emails where you rambled,
late in the night,
about everything from dreams, to nightmares,
from happy thoughts to suicide thoughts.
Emails sent during the boring day at work,
back and worth to pass the time,
to make us laugh.
Emails written at random,
poetry that we used to escape reality.
words you knew only i could understand.
Thoughts that you couldn't share with anyone else.
Tears that you were afraid for anyone to see but me.
Emails that gave me a thumbs up when i needed it,
a pat on the back,
a virtual hug,
some words of wisdom,
or just a "hello" to remind me that i'm in your thoughts.
Today, there was no email from you. Nor yesterday. And I wonder if there will be tomorrow. Work dragged, advice never came, no goodnight, and no goodbye.
I'm empty.
A futal memory... or maybe a thousand. i really dont have the time to count.
Memories of 2 brief meetings,
Each of which ended in heartache.
Each of which didn't "go as planned."
Memories of a few brief telephone conversations about nothing...
The meaning of a name,
The things which we thought but never said...
The bitching about significant others who dont understand...
The wishing to move, always to move far far away...
Memories of a trip gone all wrong...
to a strange city,
on a lonely night,
Only to hear your voice all too briefly,
And be left disappointed.
Haunting posts.
There will always be those words that you said,
Not to me,
To no one in particular...
The way your name appears in a post,
and reminds me that you are still out there somewhere...
A post about a party that you'll be at,
That I'm tempted to go to,
But then dont.
A post about some great thing that happened to you,
And I want to congratulate you,
But cant.
A post about a shitty day you had,
And I want to comfort you,
Tell you "It's alright"
And throw on DJ Buzz Fuzz...
But i wont.
These are the things i have left of you...
That and the sleepless nights,
Where I sit at this damn computer and write...
And the words come,
But you do not.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."
