What's going on in your life?

[andyh]

i moved away from home this semester to study abroad. i have never felt so alone as i have these past few months. i know it will be good for me, and i know that i will look back on this experience and love it, but no one knows me here like my friends do back home.
i went to a rave in london last weekend and met a bunch of amazing blers, but (and i'll spare you the long story that goes with this...) i made a horrible impression due to a bunch of factors, and even though i think they are all beautiful people, i don't think i can go back and see them. i feel like i turned this beautiful beautiful thing that i had with them at the beginning of the night into something pretty ugly.
i want to be with people, but at the same time, the only people i feel that i can be with are my friends who know me and who love me regardless of my shortcomings.
in a couple of months, i will go back home, and continue to be me- a 20 year old who loves life and who hates life at the same time... who doesn't know what his future holds, and who feels lost...
usually i am a lot happier, but since i've moved away, everything just seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong.
i need to be back at my friends' apartment. i need people to know who i am, and they are the only ones who do...
the rave i went to made me incredibly happy, as most raves do... i will look for another one in london, try to make amends with the beautiful people i met there, and get my life together (if only for one amazing night)
best to all of you
andy

 

[QtAngel6733]

Life is going very smoothly and a lot better than it has in a loooong time! I am finally seeing a therapist regularly and am coming to terms with the depression that I have suffered from for the last 10 years. Because of that unexplained period of time I have lost many friends who don't understand me or want to try. They weren't able to accept the fact that sometimes, I literally just CAN'T put myself out there and be there like they have for me. I am learning a lot about myself and the people that I have surrounded myself with over the years. This has left me with very few people in my life, but at least I know they are the ones who truly care.
My relationship has never been better. Postponing our wedding was really hard on me, though I acted like it wasn’t and that I could handle it. We now live together in a really great little house, along with my best friend in the world. My boyfriend and I get along so well now, its like the pressure is now off and we are able to relax and develop as a couple without all the hassle.
As far as my best friend goes, I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s teaching me the true meaning of friendship and has stuck by me no matter what she or I is going through. She’s truly like a sister to me and without her friendship; I’d probably be in the same place I was a year ago.
Other than finally being out on my own, away from any parental judgments or restrictions, I’m taking a semester off to take non-credit classes about things I’ve always wanted to learn. Interior design and web design are just two examples. I’ve also finally decided, after 5 years, that I’m not following the path that was expected of me and I am going to do with my life what I want to do.
I hope everyone else is doing as well!

 

[*LittlePrincess*]

Kat, Dags is so right sweetie. You have to get out of there before things just keep getting worse between your parents and yourself. It's hard to just pick up and move on, but you'll be thankful when you do. Best of luck
My life lately is also full of emptiness. I can't help but feel everyday that I am going nowhere. I find myself unable to find any motivation which I need to make changes. I am not even sure what I want to change, it's just like nothing is right these days. I'm not happy with where I am, but I haven't a clue where I want to be. This is very frustrating. It seems that it doesn't matter where I go or what I do, for the last year or so nothing has made me truly happy. Grrrrrrrr, if only I had someone who would just tell me "do this and everything will be ok" A girl can dream can't she?
With all of the unhappiness, I am still having a baby in 6 months which is the only thing that gives me a remotely happy feeling these days. I can look @ the sonogram picture I have and see my little one inside of me. That is one thing that can make me smile.
Another thing that has me seriously depressed these days is the feeling that I am losing touch with friends that I thought would always be there. I have met a handful of different people that I considered friends in the past 3 years of traveling around and partying. In that time I moved quite a few times and each time left behind people I loved and never wanted to lose. Out of those amazing friends I thought I had made there are really only a couple of them that I even talk to anymore. I try to keep in touch with them as much as possible but some of them just do not return the effort. I actually had a person that I love very much tell me that they were just too busy to make sure we didn't lose touch. Makes me realize that I give a lot of love and rarely recieve the same amount back. It's sad to know that someone could just give up the idea of having you in there lives.
Someone showed me a quote the other day to make me feel better about all of this...."Don't stress the people from your past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future."
Well what I keep thinking is, well what if I wanted them in my future. Do I really have to just get over it and not care that these people I love are too busy for me?
Maybe I just have too much time on my hands without a job right now which gives me too much time to dwell on such things. Even still it's really sad to watch people just fade out of my life
I'm on this roller coaster of pregnancy emotions which could be to blame for all of this complaining. Still, these things have really been bothering me regardless of having good reason for whining so much or not.
I know it's all part of lifes cyclic happenings, but it sucks regardless!
~LP

 

[bisKi]

Life is still in a bit of upheaval, but slowly trudging and sorting through it, just that it takes a little more time than I thought...
I've also decided to go see someone to talk about what's bothering me, if they're available weekends and I can afford them - just so I can like really find out why I always feel so down and what can be done.
Although now I do realise and know - only me can make me happy, and I'm not really fully responsible for how a person will feel, only partly. It's me who decides if I want to be happy and that I can't live life feeling responsible for another person's happiness.
[ 11 March 2003: Message edited by: bisKi_b ]

 

[Dava]

Hmm
Life is .. strange.
I m 19 and it feels like i m entering puberty.
I quitted college, applied for a job and got one in a local factory, doing the nightshift from 9PM till 5AM.
Hard labour, but gets paid well.
This should be only for a few months. But i dont know what to do with my life. I dont have passions, no real intrests. I dont know who or what i am and why i live. What are my goals for the future? I have no idea.
Every x months, i come up with splendid ideas and new fields of intrest while putting aside the old one's.
I want to do countless things, yet i do nothing.
I dont like te work in the factory, but i dont know anything i d like to do.
I hope one day, it ll strike me what do with my life. Cause, otherwise, i ll see myself having the average house-tree-kid-life i despite so much.
Its like a paradox in me.
Life is.. strange.
[ 10 March 2003: Message edited by: Dava ]

 

[TypeRLotus]

~just recently broke up with my bf of a little over a year & a half and i'm dyin inside. we still talk, but its soo fucking hard.
~moving into a new house as soon as escrow closes, which is cool...
~will be buyin a car soon.
~meet some great new people
~i'm also tryin to figure out all the steps in order for me to transfer to a four year college
~studyin hard in order to raise my gpa to get ready for the transferring thing
~lookin for a job
~dealin with tryin to get free from my parents' iron grip on my life (issues dealin with goin out and shit like that)
i guess i'm at a place in time where i've got to purge the old stuff and get ready for the new...new house, new friends, new job, possible new interest, new car etc...
my life's a changin and i just hope i can cope with all the changes...

 

[lola72]

I'm so close to being able to just. let. go. and be happy i can taste it.. its driving me to do amazing things right now. I think the drive may be better than the goal almost.

 

[Dagny]

^^^ Damn right it is, lola, and knowing that will make such a difference. Glad to hear about the positivity and happiness in your life!
...will add my thoughts later....

 

[MissTwitch]

Well...once again where to begin!
I am now back in Georgia living with my parents. On March 5th...the love of my life, my father of my unborn child, got sent over seas. He is set to come back in 8 months, when my baby will be 3 months old. I am terribly scared about going through all of this, him being at war, and me having the baby.
I have heard from him once since he has left, which was only the next day...but it was still so good to hear his voice. For about 3 days after he left I couldn't help but just hibernate, and keep to myself and be depressed. He means the world to me, and I love him with all my heart. I knew when I first met him that I had met someone very special, someone that was one of hte best people i have ever met. He is absolutely amazing. Honestly the best person in my life. I really hate that he isn't gonna be here for when our child is born, but duty calls. Also...I know that if he could be, he would be!
It is so amazing to me how much one person can touch your life. How much love can be for one person, and how much love one can return. I am extremely worried about him being over seas...i have alot of family, and loved ones there. All that mean so much to me. Geoffrey's job though is so much more, and is really dangerous...it really does scare me. I just hope and pray ( and I am not a religious person ) that everything is gonna work out fine. I wish I could say that I have faith in our country, but I am not so sure I can say that. I do have faith in our men in the forces, but not in our president and the situations they are in.
I am glad to be back home, and with my family! That is one very positive note. My family is great, and i really don't know what I would do without them right now.
Well, I will be back to go on a little more...I have to get going for now!

 

[*LittlePrincess*]

^^^ Things will work out for you Em, lord knows you deserve a break for once. I am here if you need me, not sure how much happiness I can bring you since I am a grinch these days however I am here to listen always I have my fingers crossed for you and Geoff...I also have a good feeling that for once things will work out for you. You just have to try and concentrate on the happy things yu have right now, stay happy for my lil niece or nephew
What's new in my life...I got a wake up call from a loved one today who says I am holding onto, or trying to hold onto people from the past. I guess it's time to just get over it, now I just have to figure out how....
~LP

 

[MissTwitch]

Well, I woke up yesterday to a phone call from my Geoffrey. Unsure when I will hear from him again, but I am very glad I did atleast this once. I love him to death, him and our baby are my world.
LP....Thank you, and I really do appreciate you being there. I know you always will be, as I will always be for you! Whomever it was that called you, I think you need to listen to them. You are a strong person. We have been through so very much Jess. You can get through this! Also take your own advice and be happy for what you have, and for MY little niece or nephew. Our lives are not gonna get any easier from here on out. We are about to take a huge step in life, one that I know we can both do, and that I think is finally a good break for the both of us! I am always here if you need me.
As for me, I have still been stressing alot. I have alot that I need to do in a very short amount of time. My soon t obe ex husband is not helping me out with certain situations to well. He seems to insist that I need to get this divorce started and not him. He has been telling me for almost 2 years now that he will start it all when hehas the money. I would do it, but honestly I can not afford it. We are both NY state residents, and me being in Georgia now, is not gonna be as easy for me to start it all as it would for him. I just wish he would finally grow up, and get things done in his life that actually need to get done. I have bill collectors calling me, about bills that my name isn't even on. Only due to the fact that we are married. I jsut really want this all to be over with. I am sick ofl ies that he tells me, and bullshit that we have gone through for many years now.
I have to worry about this child that is on it's way into my life, I do NOT need to worry about hte child that he wants to be! I just want it all over with, adn to never have to see or speak to him again. I don't wanna go to NY, for I have grown alot of hatred towards him in the past year. I honestly do not even care to see him. Just thinking about the person that he has become, that he has turned himself back into makes me sick to my stomach. But as he says, "who did everything the whole time we were married?" I did, I told him. His response was....Well then what makes you think I would do anything now that you are gone? I guess I just thought he would actually grow up! I guess I should have known better. He is one step above me in the fact that he has a job right now...I don't! But I will here as soon as I can find one. I have only been in Georgia for not even a week!
Well, off that subject. Besides the stress from him, I have been doing good. Got to feel my little one inside me move. It was so neat!
Well, off I go!

 

[Mariposa]

Lotus, my love- omfg, I didn't know your breakup was official sweetheart! *hugs*
I think it is for the best, though, I know you have been having a really rough last couple months and it's so important to have positive people in your life.
LittlePrincess and MissTwitch- Your lives are so incredibly interesting to me. What strong and courageous women you are. With everything that is going on in the world right now, it is so nice to hear about your impending motherhood. I am sure pregnancy has its ups and downs.
LP, if your baby's father is a jerk, you definitely did the right thing by cutting him out of your life. What an incredibly difficult and courageous thing to do.
and MissTwitch- It seems to me you have the support of everyone around you. It sucks that your soon to be ex is being such a jackass, but I look forward to hearing about how wonderful your life is when your baby arrives and your man comes back from serving our country!
As for me, my trip to California was incredible. I wanted to party a lot more than I did, but my family whisked me away to our vacation house in the Sierras near Yosemite. E-mail or IM me if you want to see the pictures, they are absolutely breathtaking- the kind of thing you see in books and my entire office now has beautiful nature vistas as the background on their computers! The biggest news is that most likely I am moving to San Francisco (or the Peninsula, depending on where my dad buys his new house)... as illustrated below
Mariposa's moving thread
I feel very much at peace right now. My decision to move is not set in stone, but it's overwhelmingly likely that I will.
Still single and enjoying it much more than I used to although I had an incredible fling with a beautiful German boy while I was away. :D He spent 6 months at Stanford's business school as a study abroad type thing and is getting his doctorate in business from a university in Copenhagen. I met him on his last night in town... he hadn't met any girls who had really made an impression on him the whole time he was there and I felt it was a cruel bit of fate I met him when he had to leave in less than a day. We are e-mail buddies, though and I have an open invite to come see him at school in Copenhagen or at home in Cologne. It is completely out of character for me to have a fling, I had never done it before... but I'm glad we got to spend some awesome time together and I want to plan a trip to Amsterdam and have him meet me there to party our asses off. He really made an impression on me.
I have come to the realization that I have incredibly high standards. Some people consider that a bad thing and explain my being single by their perception that I am a tad on the high maintenance side. That's not true. I just refuse to settle anymore. I want someone kind, intelligent, educated, handsome and funny and there is no reason for me to lower my standards.
Still off the antidepressants and feeling better than I have in years. It's nice to appreciate things after having lived under such a cloud. I know I will have depression for the rest of my life and it sucks, but I think I can deal with it now.
At the moment, I am optimistic and hopeful and wish all of you the same.

 

[TypeRLotus]

Originally posted by mariposa420:
Lotus, my love- omfg, I didn't know your breakup was official sweetheart! *hugs*
I think it is for the best, though, I know you have been having a really rough last couple months and it's so important to have positive people in your life.

yes, mariposa it is official and things have not gotten better. since the breakup, we had been talkin and on very good terms, but things happened today that left both of us angry at each other.

 

[*LittlePrincess*]

I started my new job today! It was 9 hours of boring paperwork and orientation but, it was work. I am so happy to finally be working again. I think this might help the rest of my life not seem so, well for lack of a better word, shitty.

I will be working at a collection agency doing collections for federal student loans. That's about all thats new today. I think this is the first time I have been cheerful about my life in a long time. Maybe things will start looking up.

On a bad note I found out today the insurance policy to cover my baby will be $400 a month, and my child care will be anywhere from $200-$300 a month. The father will probably only have to pay me not even $200 a month. Funny how things work out. I'll have all the responsability, all the bills, and he won't have a thing but once a year visitation.

Even with all the extra $$ I will have to pay out, it's worth it. Being with him was not the best choice for my baby so I at least still hold onto the fact that I'm doing whats best for the little one.

~LP

*mariposa...thanx for your kind words I know in my heart that I did what is best, and yes it was and still is hard to deal with. I'm glad somemone finds my life interesting I guess it is interesting to say the least!

 

[DG]

im in a great mood..


met an AWESOME guy at the club saturday, music brought us together and hopefully not just for 2 straight wonderful days...

im leaving for vacation in 2 days

ahhh FINALLY my winter blahs are leaving :D

 

[jaymie]

eye's open

Well, I'm settling into my new home in San Francisco trying to find a job. I've got a good lead it seems. Tommorow I go into a coffee shop to try and wow them in hopes that they'll hire me.

Today was one of the best day's I've ever had. I started going to food not bombs meetings 3 weeks ago and have worked my butt off tirelessly and joyously working to build friendships and forge revolution! hehe Today some 18-20 year olds came from a Kansas college town to our cook house as an alternative spring break sort of deal. They were awesome and so amazed at what we did for people. They were as nice as to give me a ride home when I would have gladly walked 4 miles. After saying salutations to them, one girl (bless her heart) came out; hugged and kissed me and cried! Ohhh! It made my day to get so much love from someone I had only met 3 hours before. It was just like family!

I love life!!! With all it's trials and tribulations there is so much passion, joy, and intensity. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't give to people and spread the bundles of love in my heart that have run so dormant for so long. Thank you lord for what seemingly I've always had, but never saw.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I want to take off all my clothes and run wild for love!!!!! (although, for my own sanity I will wait until I am amongst like minded people or on a secluded desert or beach.)

Peace, love to you all

 

[Epic OnE1]

- I recently broke up with my gF of a year and a half... i'm dying inside. i just want to give up so i don't have to deal to be in this fucking world anymore. if there is anything i can do to get her back in my life, i would do anything. but i feel i can't because she was unhappy with me and she's got more important things that are happening in her life. I felt that I was almost like a roadblock for her because she knew what she wanted to do and i was going in circles in my life. It seemed like I was holding her back and preventing her from acheiving her goals and growing into her own person/adult. All I want is for her to be happy and be able to do the things she's got her mind set on. If there is one thing that i could take back, I would not have overreacted and fucked up our relationship the way i did. I hope she forgives me. Hopefully there might be a chance for us to see each other in the cross roads later on in life. I dunno what's gonna happen now, I not only lost my gF but I lost my best friend in life. *tears

 

[honEbee]

Slowing moving towards a career and happiness...

I finally registered for one art class today (Introduction to Computer Animation). It's not much, but it's a start (and all I can afford at the moment). If this class goes well, I will take the full leap and take a full semester load in the fall. If all goes as planned, I will have one year under my belt before my fiancee and I move to San Francisco to complete my degree and start making those important connections that are so important in getting into the film industry. I'm a little scared about moving across the country, but at the same time it's going to be such an adventure. Plus, I'll have Joey with me and with him around, I feel so completely safe and loved that I am willing to take more risks.

I've had a mild set back with my anti-depressant medications the last couple of weeks. I had run out for about 2 weeks and my insurance changed and doesn't cover mental health. But I was able to beg my doctor to give me one last prescription so I could have time to make an appointment and get a new doctor. After running out for two weeks my moods turned so black. It didn't help that I had just said goodbye to my fiancee and had to put my dog asleep in the same week. The only thing that is saving me from going back into my old full-blown depression is knowing that once the meds kick-in I'll be returning to the happiness I was feeling before they ran out. The difference between before and after the meds was just so incredibly different. I wasn't even aware the meds were helping me that much until I ran out. And now that I know that I *can* be happy and good things *can* happen for/to me, I won't be missing any dosages any more.

Joey still hasn't received his INS papers. The INS should have sent them to him by now. Waiting another 4 months for him to complete the tests, interviews and legal papers after he actually gets the ok to move here to marry and be with me is going to kill me. I miss him so much!

Even though things are moving slowly, at least I am feeling like I am moving towards something. It took a long time to get to this point and no matter what I'm going to make sure that things keep moving along. Moving towards, growing up. Moving towards getting out and experiencing live. And moving towards the happiness I had never dreamed but finally realized is out there for me. :D

 

[Dagny]

Wow. Things have been a bit overwhelming, and I'm happy about that. Sadly I'm still single, despite clues to the contrary over the past few months. I am the queen of bad timing when it comes to matters of the heart, but at least it's happened so much that I can laugh about it now. Perhaps one day it'll work out for me, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to still have fun in the meantime.

Life is starting to settle back around me here in sunny SoCal. Life is so different here!!! The weather is incredible, I had never noticed what a huge impact a sunny day has on my attitude. My new job is turning out to be just what I expected as far as the lack of mental stimulation, but the people are fantastic! Honestly it just feels amazing to be back in a hospital again, regardless of the circumstances. I was afraid it would still sting to be in there and not be wearing that white coat that I want so badly, and no initials saying "M.D." after my name, but maybe that is still in my future. I don't want it any less, I'm just looking at things in a much different way now. Countdown: 9 months to make the medical school decision, then I have to finish my degree and move on from this.

My friends rock. I've known that all along, even talked about it before. But even though I miss my people on the east coast terribly, I have good support here. Each person has something so amazing to contribute to my life, and as long as I have their love and respect then nothing can really hurt me in the long run.

 

[TypeRLotus]

To Dags

girl, let's go party and find you a man!!! :D

i'm glad you've settled here in socal and yes the weather is such a great lifter if its nice and bright. B) congrats on likin the job, even though it makes ya wake up reeeeally early. about med school, if ya really want those initials after your name, just put your mind to it, you can most definitely achieve your goal. (i'm goin pre med/pre dental so i've got to get my butt into gear too)

hope you know that you've got another friend in cali...i'm may be an hour and a half away, but i'm always online so if ya ever need someone to chat with!