My job is going nowhere, but I can't switch gears without sacraficing more money than I am prepared to live with atm. So I hold on to the fact that I make good money, like my boss and my work colleagues...even though the work is boring and unchallenging.
Im becoming more and more of a "rising star" in local gay activism where I live and am starting to break into the state and national lobbying scene because of it. That is cool, but the more involved I get the more frustrating things become. Most activists are these screaming, whining ultra-liberals, which is fine, except you need a little balance if you are going to get anything worthwhile accomplished. And some of the liberal mentality is just stupid in the way it affects every day things. For instance, we just had a huge awards dinner for outstanding volunteers in the gay and HIV communities in my county. During the planning, several of my fellow board members were opposed to selling alcohol at the venue because, and I quote, "alcoholism inordinantely affects the gay community. As responsible members of the community we need to be sensitive to people who would want to attend the dinner who may be struggling or in recovery." HELLO! what about the rest of the 400 guests who can handle their booze? you want to subject them to a three hour award ceremony with no libations to lube the nerves?
But for all their silliness, at least they are involved. Most gay guys don't want to have anything to do with the larger gay world outside of the anal adventures that go on in their bedrooms. Comfortable to live in shadows and lies, they just don't care about their own rights much less the dignity and self-respect due to their gay brothers and sisters who DO want to walk the earth as a free and open human being. "My sex life is nobody else's business"...excuses!! nobody is asking you to describe your penchant for dick. I know my friends are straight, does that mean their sex life is my business? They are all concerned about being "straightacting"...as though all the outward straightness in the world will somehow negate the fact that you routinely have cum dribbling down your chin. I'm totally "straight-acting" by the standards used to measure such things, but who gives a shit???? Sometimes I wish I was a little more obvious, be much easier to flirt at the grocery store, let me tell you. As it is, I see some hot boy in produce who is just queeny enough to be clearly gay, and I catch his eye only to get this look from him like he is afraid Im going to make him the next Matthew Sheppard. And people ask why I put a rainbow sticker on my pick-up, Im trying to be included! So I have no sympathy for these self-loathing gays who will always look at their desire to get fucked as some sort of dirty vice that you enjoy more than anything but would never tell anyone about...wasted resources, silent voices, makes the job for those of us who do care so much more difficult....like I said, frustrating.
Not that Im this super-responsible pillar of the gay community...hell, my biggest concern is that a bunch random tricks from the past are gonna recognize my picture in the paper and suddenly feel the need to reminisce for enquiring writers at the various gay rags. Does this fear stop me?
Yeah right, Im apparently less concerned about my image and future as a leader in the community than I am about getting into proper "circuit boy" shape for the upcoming White Party in Palm Springs. 10's of thousands of perfected gay physiques from all over the world (literally)will descend upon this retired golfer's paradise for Easter weekend, and I can feel the clock ticking and the amount of time for my Atkins diet to work its miracles on my body fading away. I would love to indulge in a little Tina diet (Crystal Meth for those not hip to gay ghetto terminology)for the last three weeks before the event, cuz that would definitely give me the added edge in my pursuit of reaching new levels of self-abuse due to shallowness and superficiality. But I have to be careful with that, NOT because of any problem I have with Meth (tweek maybe one weekend every other month, and an occasional bump or two additionally in between). But because my boyfriend and our other roommate are crackwhores who can not have it in the house without consuming it with wreckless abandon. So, Im going to be plagued with feelings of being too fat at the third largest gay party of the year anywhere in the world because I love pizzas, my boyfriend and our roommate more than I love looking flawless in nothing but jeans and a pooka chain (don't gag, it may be trendy and overplayed, but a white shell necklace against a sweat-beaded tanned muscular chest will be HOT until the end of time).
But all in all, life is grand. I've got love, great sex, a meaningful volunteer life, more money than I truly need (for the first time in life), excellent health, looks and a body that most people (other than the aforementioned White Party attendees) would be more than happy to have, and most importantly...
...I am totally happy.
[ 26 February 2002: Message edited by: beachboyty ]
