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What zone was I put in??

Clueless_gal

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 22, 2013
Messages
16
I have a question about the friendzone for women, since it seems so debated what it is and if it exists. Because if it does not I have no freaking clue as to where I was put.

I have been told I am a fairly attractive girl (I don't smoke, I work out regularly, I dress nicely and woman-ly, take care of my hair etcetera) by both guys and girls.

Some time ago I met a guy I was instantly attracted to. I mean, not in the sense of "well he's handsome" but in the way of "holy crap my world just stopped". I could not believe my luck when we actually hooked up (due to him inviting me out).
We had sex a couple of times over a couple of months time, did stuff like go to the movies, have dinners.
So far it seems like just you know, two people being attracted. But, after that I lost all clues on what the hell is going on...I have since been told by him that I am attractive, friendly, caring and sexy. That he was attracted to me and felt a connection when we met. And when I told him I had feelings both of love, warmth and friendship he told me they were mutual. But I have also been told now that I am not the woman who makes him feel whole, while also another time saying he felt like he could really be himself with me. On one hand he has admitted that he felt attracted to me, that I was interesting etcetera. But that we are perhaps "too similar" for him to want me. We do like many of the same things and have similar values. We hooked up a second time around as well after him telling me that it was not happening, (after him replying to a casual text with really hot invites) and then he went back to saying that it was not happening. So imagine my confusion here, and my heart has been smashed by this.

So where am I going wrong to go from a guy who finds me attractive and interesting to someone who describes me as a perfect woman when I talk to him but that it isnt happening?
And how the hell can I turn it back around?

He was the first guy I slept with - am I a conquest? At the same time, he wants to be my friend he says. And well, he has said that it might have worked out between us and if the situation was a little different when we first met (he was leaving shortly after) we would probably have become a couple. And he has at separate times told me it would probably have worked and it would not probably have worked. So I am completely at a loss of understanding.

At the moment I cannot do a thing about it since he is not single. But I would just like to know where the hell I was zoned and how to get back out if I had a chance? Because, after all this time and me going on dates with other people and having feelings for others, he is still by far the guy I have met who I feel the most for in my life. I know I have a tendency to be too clingy in the sense that I talk and discuss too much, but it is difficult when you meet someone whom you feel so strongly about and who gives you so many different signals it's like a morse code.

So yeah, guys? If we were both single at the same time; how would you (especially you who claim that men have no friendzone for women they find attractive) recommend me to do to elevate my chances?

I'm sort of thinking just to give it a rest (which, well, I do naturally since he's not on the market) and should we ever be single at the same time, just make a move. Would that be a bad thing?
 
The whole concept of the 'friendzone' is absolutely ridiculous I think. But if we assume that's in fact a real thing, then yes, of course women can be friendzoned. There seems to be some idea amongst 9gaggers that women can get absolutely any guy they want...which as you and I have experienced, unfotunately isn't true :)
Similar thing happened to me, I made out with this guy a few months ago that I was pretty mad about (still am tbh) and he kept complimenting me and stuff but he said he didn't want us to get more involved just because we live in the same dorm so if things go wrong, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.
Maybe it was just a bullshit excuse, but still.

Since your guy isn't single, my advice would really be to try to let it go for now, because if you keep your hopes up it's likely it'll just end up hurting you more, unfortunately. If he thinks the two of you aren't compatible because you're too similar, you might be tempted to change how you act around him to be more attractive to him - but I think this would be a massive mistake. Imagine that works and the two of you start going out, are you going to keep up the charade forever?
He needs to want to be with who you actually are, not with an image you give of yourself. Continue to be yourself around him, and maybe he'll come around some day - but in the meantime just remember there will be other guys you feel this strongly about that might be more worth fighting for :)
 
Haven't found one yet though that I feel so much for - and I honestly think he was a little at a loss how he felt about me (also you know, since we just got to go out for a rather short time and always knowing he was leaving but tell that to a heart that falls) since he has given me so many, many, MANY different leads. And I get that, it's just difficult having to try to figure that out myself from being given signals all over the place.

My problem with this whole "maybe we're too similar" is also that well, guess what, I of course already did make myself a little more similar to him (yeah, smart move, right) afraid to turn him away. Great move, stupid me.

So yeah, I am really working hard to just accept that right now, he is a friend (which of course is not easy but he is that, too, to me, you know), and I am trying to do things for myself to grow myself and be more... me, so to speak. So if I am me, at least I will always have that. And maybe that will be what he wants too one day.
 
Well. If he wasn't, why come back for more by inviting me with hot texts when he had the chance, telling me he had thought about me since the last time. Seems a bit unecessary then.
 
Which I also have a hard time believing since he has told me repeatedly what a nice person I am, and when we meet now he is always the one to give me a hug, ask how I am, and when I have needed his help as a friend he is always helpful.
 
I think you're overthinking it. Relationships fizzle, and this could just be that. Or, there are those guys out there who just want to fuck around, and so since he's been there and did that, he's losing interest. Some men do like the conquest and the chase and then lose interest afterward. It doesn't really say anything about you. It's just how they are. You can usually pick out these types of guys if you know them well enough.

What he says really doesn't mean anything, because generally, he's not going to be a douche about it if any of those things apply to him. It's his actions that matter or what you can read between the lines. He said "you're not the woman who makes him whole,' so he's basically telling you he's losing interest but he'll still have sex with you if you want to. LOL Can you call him up and have sex with him? If so, then that's probably all he wants.

If you like the sex, then keep him around and just keep yourself open for someone else. If not or you think you're getting attached and will be hurt, then just distance yourself from him.
 
No, I cant call him up. Hes not single now.

Is there any way to ever get a chance again, should you be right? I just do not feel ready to let him go for the rest of my life. For now, I can only focus on me and my life which is what I am doing at the moment.

And reading between the lines is so hard when he has been telling me different things and acting contrary to words. ( I dont make him whole but he doesnt really know me and we would probably have been a couple and it might have worked).. i am usually not one who likes to read things into words, but well... This time I am so much at a loss that I am turning to the internet, which I usually never do. I also fear I was pushing him too hard, which would have made anyone turn away. :/

I just really still love him.
 
Yeah, I kinda believe the friend zone exists, for males and females. But you had sex with him and hung out with him in more than just a "friend" way, so it seems like you weren't friend-zoned. If his relationship doesn't work out, maybe you can be fuck-buddies again. But it seems like he just doesn't want a relationship with you. He's with someone else now. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that he wants to be with her for now. My advise would be to move on and find someone else. There are lots of guys out there. If you are both single at the same time again, then go for it, make a move. But for now? Try to get over him and I'm sure you'll find someone else.
 
No, I cant call him up. Hes not single now.

Is there any way to ever get a chance again, should you be right? I just do not feel ready to let him go for the rest of my life. For now, I can only focus on me and my life which is what I am doing at the moment.

And reading between the lines is so hard when he has been telling me different things and acting contrary to words. ( I dont make him whole but he doesnt really know me and we would probably have been a couple and it might have worked).. i am usually not one who likes to read things into words, but well... This time I am so much at a loss that I am turning to the internet, which I usually never do. I also fear I was pushing him too hard, which would have made anyone turn away. :/

I just really still love him.

Oh, you love him. I see. I think he's trying to let you down slowly without being harsh. I think you need to put emotions aside and listen to what he's telling you and read his actions. The reason you're upset is because your head is telling you he's done and over it, but your heart wants there to be something more. Gotta listen to your head.

You don't "make" someone do anything as long as yourself. If you are yourself and it doesn't work out, then it's better that the guy goes away anyway so you can meet someone who accepts you. Doesn't mean you can't work on yourself, but you can't make someone love you.
 
Yeah, I kinda believe the friend zone exists, for males and females. But you had sex with him and hung out with him in more than just a "friend" way, so it seems like you weren't friend-zoned. If his relationship doesn't work out, maybe you can be fuck-buddies again. But it seems like he just doesn't want a relationship with you. He's with someone else now. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that he wants to be with her for now. My advise would be to move on and find someone else. There are lots of guys out there. If you are both single at the same time again, then go for it, make a move. But for now? Try to get over him and I'm sure you'll find someone else.

Well yeah, I will make a move, since he clearly told me we could have been. But I hate this confusion. I have been trying get over him for three years. :( It is hard when someone is so mixen signals.
 
Wait.... man girl this story keeps unfolding. 3 years?

Yeah. Three years. First we hooked up and had a romance. He goes away for a long time. Comes back. everything is tense. I go away for a couple of months. I come back, we text a little, he starts flirting and when I reply he says it is tempting but not the best road for us, we talk, still hook up one night. He tells me he needs to go away and collect his emotions and calm them. We part ways again and meet up much later. I ask him about the feelings and where we are, since I still have them. He tells me he has butterflies in his stomach when he sees me and that my feelings are answered but hidden since he is in a relationship. And then I am stupid as hell and ask him more about it at a later time, being heartbroken, confused, and not thinking straight. and he tells me that well, we might have worked out but that he doesnt want to be with me and is not feeling as I do, but tells me I am like the perfect woman and that we would probably have been a couple if things had been different in the beginning, but that it is still impossible to say if it would have worked out. It was completely wrong of me to push the question and I am ashamed I did, because it clearly made him uncomfortable. but after all the time and emotions and back and forth I was not as nice as I want to be.

sorry for this all sounding like a mess in how I explain it. its just that it is, and that Im tired as heck right now. I will clear things up later...probably forgetting tons right now.
 
thank you. and yeah.

For now though, for my own sanity, I have decided to back off everything in this situation and give him and his relationship space, because thats the right thing. and just focus on myself for the time being.

It doesnt help me understand anything but since I guess I cant get any answers anyway its at least better to become a more happy and grounded me. Because these last years have also taken me from a place where I was much happier and relaxed to a more sad and stressed person today, and thats just not attracive for anyone on this earth. I think I am now also sending off more desperate vibes, which is bound to push everyone and their mother away, I know that.

But I do still really love him. And I do wish things had been different in the beginning. And I fear I fucked it all up by seeming too desperate.
 
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^It's a very good idea to take a step back from him and focus on yourself from the moment - you're on the right path.

i dont know, but it is at least a path that is good. no matter what, I will be a more grown person, I suppose.

But I miss him every day.
 
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