What would you do if you had this opportunity?

[Legally High]

I have a super hot girl with lots of money, not only that but I love her to death she is my soulmate.

I'm sure a lot of it has to do with drug use and my personality but I've become so isolated and antisocial. I don't even want to talk to anyone unless I'm on a chill pil. I know the amphetemine and weed is bad for my nerves I should stop those. I just can't seem to get my head in the right place.

This has been going on for years. At his point I feel so unhuman. Like music I used to have crazy connections and feelings, now I feel no depth. Maybe that's the ssri blunting effect, maybe not.

A day in the head of a mad man:
(Edit: Read at you own risk. I couldn't stop.)

I'm this type - today there were 3 whipped cans in the fridge. I inhaled one to get a nitrous buzz. I wasn't pleased with that experience -short and weighty on my spirit. I had already taken a a light dose of Dex and smoked dab wax off a Pyrex dish on the stove, even tho it said no stovetop. And the glass exploded everywhere. Anyways where was I? then I went to Walgreens and pick up 7 medications yes seven.
One of the devils was ambien. Last time I got my ambien I screwed up. And took too many during an outing and blacked out taking a majority of the 30 that night. Most of the time that occurs and I make a fool out of myself or may go places or take someone else's ADHD pill while on ambien ....and finally withdrawal uncomfortably. Cursing the process and my stupidity all the while.
Anyways back to my day today, I went to campus for the the first day of class this evening very late after getting lost, only to find upon finding the empty room in the empty building, that I wasn't even scheduled for summer but for fall....
I started my day today by...random....tanning completely naked. It feels good but also I'm a perfectionist about how I look. Tan....toned body...bleached white teeth, skin vibrant from high vegetable diet. But other than that I'm a loser to put it nicely. have gotten nowhere. Late 20s... no money ....no relationships....lots of drugs....i hold onto my vanity due to insecurities perhaps. Still looking for the holy grail that will make me come alive. A pill that will make me happy without turning and stabbing me in the back.

I've given up on thoughts of opiates. Phenibut has hollowed me out. Benzos changed me as well. Gabapentin I still weigh my risks and tryn to talk myself into it. I fear my soul, or what's left of it, will never escape this torment.
Everything within my reach yet infinitely unobtainable.


Sorry that turned into a journal entry of sorts.
I'm living a strange existence tho....

 

[pofacedhoe]

sorry OP what do you want? is there a question?

if not this will get closed, its more blogs material

 

[RestlessRomantic]

Completely off topic, but still this seems to bother you. It seems your problem is that you are filling in all your desires by hiding and doing drugs. If you want to fill your void. Go outside and life your damn life. Try to slow down on your drug consumption and seek the beautiful things in life.

 

[gmlifer]

It sounds like you have already talked to some doctors about this. Has aspergers come up? I know you think the drugs have forever changed the way your brain works but if you could quit the drugs for a year or two maybe you would find that you are still intact.

The mind is very powerful and if you are convinced that it is destroyed then there is nothing that can change that. If you could somehow convince yourself that it's not destroyed then you could most likely move on and heal.