What Will Happen When Something DOES Go Wrong?

[curioushat]

Hi all,

I am posting this not at all in jest but rather in full sincerity.

I have lived a virtually "perfect" life with an appalling lack of sociopsycholocigal adversity throughout my twenty years (7376 days precisely). I have had the optimal supportive family; my parents are dually unbelievably supporitive and almost limitlessy capable of trying to help me througout my pathetic existence.

My main fear is this: Despite the ongoing support, I am a psychologically fragile human being. Myriad of support structures have been available to me, from the familial to the psychiatric. I am still unilaterally a victim of (or rather subservient to) unrelenting psychoemotional illness. I was previously heavy drug abuser -- selectively avoiding the classification of the addict -- who has attempted, and partially failed, to turn his life around.

I am at the point where I would like to commit the ultimate self destruction--suicide.

I have tried all there is to try, medication, therapy etc. Despite the amazing family support, I feel as if I am a complete failure as a human being.


Now all of that is a prelude to the following:

Imagine something truly traumatic were to happen to me. What could possibly become of this existence? Is there any valid nontrivial argument as to why I should not commit suicide? I hear time and time again about those who contemplate the idea, and usually it is partly in response to something terrible that has occured to them, if not a series of such events. Since that scenario has never arisen for me, and I am nearly at that state, I am in terror of such a thing happening, and if it does, I say a violent goodbye to my existence?

Is there any way of avoiding this inevitable outcome? Or am I doomed to this solemn realization for my brief existence? My first response team feels that at some point, whether today or in the near future, I will turn up dead and utterly devastate all of those anywhere close to me.

Any advice, sound or not, is widely appreciated by all of my senses.

Thank you immensely in advance,
This User.

 

[DeathDomokun]

Is there any valid nontrivial argument as to why I should not commit suicide?

Possibilities. Life is full of possibilities. You can do many many things with your existence. You could go bang some smack, or you could go smack someone in the face. You could give someone $100, or steal $100. You could plant a tree, or cut one down. You could do anything, really. That's all I'm saying. Existence is full of possibilities, whilst death is finite. Death is void.
Now, if you can't think of one single scenario you might like to experience, then no, I don't think there is an argument against your suicide. If, on the other hand, you can think of something you might like to experience, or you just don't want to give up the ability to be able to do anything at all, then there's your argument against suicide.
Some people would argue that pain/suffering is a part of life, and without it life would be meaningless. Some people would argue that pain/suffering is a part of life, and for that there is no reason to participate.
I don't often post in threads about suicide on TDS, because BL is a HR forum and I'm of the belief people own their lives, which is of course, contrary to requirements for posting about suicide, so have a HR post.

 

[Tommyboy]

People change so much over the years, so committing suicide because you may want to at this point would be selling yourself short since I'm sure that you will get over this thought in due time, or at least think it less frequently.

You will have plenty of time to be dead, so you might as well live your life now since it's really a short amount of time looking at the big picture.

 

[michael]

worrying that something horrible might happen to you is a waste of your energy and time. i realize that it is easier to say such a thing than it is to believe it, but i have mired myself in the same sort if thoughts for much of my existence and in retrospect i can tell you that not one good thing ever came out of that anxiety.

 

[DeathDomokun]

Let's not forget that you can always kill yourself if you want. So if something bad happened, that option would be there. Killing yourself because something bad might happen is absurd and irrational.

 

[Hazey420]

How can you kill your self with your "Myriad" of support structure that you have, do you know that people would kill for what you have, for someone to care about them?, to love them?, to be there for them? think about it really think about your choice....

 

[DeathDomokun]

Other people wanting to be in the situation you're in means fuck all

 

[sconnie420]

i don't really have any advice so ill just second everything that deathdomo has said, but i do hope you feel better soon..i know what you're going through, a lot of us here do...

 

[xxsicknessxx]

If your family supports you it would be messed up to kill your self and let them find your body. Have to deal with that. Why don't you try leaving? Moving? doing something extreme with your life. Why just go out blank? Blank is shitty. Death is blank. Its nothing. But what do I Know sounds like things arn't so bad for you.

 

[herbavore]

Curioushat, I have always loved your username. I have no idea why you chose it but I just like the poetic metaphor of it. I always pictured someone in a slightly bemused state, looking at themselves from the outside and saying, "well that is a curious hat to have been given but Ok, it's mine, I'll wear it with style!" Sort of like playing the hand you are dealt only this is wearing the hat you were issued.

As you know, my youngest son dealt with many inner struggles. Like you he had a family that not only loved him but treasured his existence even when he could not do that himself. I do not need to tell you how devastating losing him to despair has been, and will always be, to my other son, my husband, my mother, my sister and me. Losing him in any way would have been hard but losing him to his own fears and confusion when he could have had years and years to walk right on out of them tortures me every day. The reason that I know he could have is that I did. My son was no more mentally ill than I was at his age. His struggles were different but in some larger picture they were the same. I placed all my faith in time because time healed me. Give yourself time. Take the present as the present only and don't project it out into the future. How you feel today might be a 180 from how you will feel about yourself and life in ten years.

I do not want to minimize your struggles. I know from past communications that they are very often overwhelming to you and that you really try to work with the support people around you. It must be discouraging and exhausting. Try to give yourself a place to rest in the present. Look around you and see what there is to love. It might be as simple as a cloud or a glass of water but any act of appreciation opens you up and expands your capacity for the kind of peace and calm that comes from gratitude. You are such a beautiful soul. To be a fragile human being is a gift. It means that you feel deeply. Time can give you more and more tools to add perspective to all that you see and feel. At 58, I can honestly say that life, while still complicated and messy, has gotten so much easier. Part of that is probably just realizing that it is really a very short ride no matter what.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

What about hell? I dunno for me suicide isn't something I want to be wrong about so I would think about it long and hard. Use your brain on this one. If you guess wrong... there is no 2nd guess, no 2nd try you can't undo it.

Plus most people who think about suicide arn't about to really do it just half ass it for attention and cause drama and pain for everyone.. I dunno... lots people talk about it but people who are serious about it don't talk about it they just do it... they don't think about it over years or anything. No notes, no warnings.. just action. think long and hard, even if you try to half heartily kill your self I know lots of stories about people who didn't mean to kill them selves and do and lots of people who talk about it but don't really want to do it and then just fuck it up and end up retarded or with arms that don't work....

If you mess it up plan to wake up in a psy ward.. which might help you who knows..

hope you don't kill your self your situation sounds far to good to think of killing your self lots of people got it a lot worse man.

 

[trees_please]

I think there's a lot of advice in this thread, but i particularly liked the one who said you can grow a tree or chop one down, etc. Widen your perspective! youre living in your head! there is a vibrant, fulfilling existence right in front of you and it would be selfish not to heed to that. Our world is impermanent and you have one choice to make; get busy living your life, or simply think about living it. Ill occasionally feel depressed too, but I'm grateful for what I have and its just not fair to sell yourself short!

 

[pokerboy]

Hi curioushat,

It seems to me that you feel like your life has no meaning. Have you considered turning to spirituality? I don't necessarily mean organized religion. Spirituality, the belief that there is something out there worth living for, is where truly despaired people can find a meaning to their lives.

I can also understand the guilt of seemingly having "everything you need to succeed" and still feel like a failure. You need to understand that failure is a relative thing. Someone's failure is someone else's success. If you have a moment, check out this speech called "the benefits of failure". http://vimeo.com/1711302 , it is truly inspirational.

 

[captaincaveman]

Hmm. I lost my father as a child and my mother died quite a few years ago as well. It was hard, especially my mother, but as Nietzsche said what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That famous designer Alexander McQueen (?) killed himself after his mother died and I know how he felt. Maybe you should not count on the great support you receive, do some voluntary work and you'll see how resilient people can be. I volunteered with a Somalian guy who had seen his whole family massacred in front of him. He was the jolliest man I'd ever met. If you're saying that you're on the brink anyway and any trauma would give you the excuse to kill yourself then seek help. I don't ever blame my fairly traumatic childhood on the problems I have had. To use it as an excuse to kill myself is quite frankly offensive.

Why are you a complete failure as a human? You're 20 years old man what are you using to measure what success is? You use words like pathetic to describe yourself. You sound like you're going through some existentialist angst that we've all one through my man. You haven't tried all there is to try. I know in the US, (I'm guessing that's where your from) medication is given out very quickly. I doubt you've tried all forms of therapy. You have worth, you also have no self esteem. Do something that makes you uncomfortable everyday, push yourself and you can turn it around. You're a youngster, we are all fragile to some extent, to freely admit speaks of your humanity.
Take care

 

[curioushat]

Being the complete moron I am, I posted the topic while heading up to the mountains, and I can just now get service again.
TDS is so helpful, everyone in this forum has quality advice. Shout out to herbavore especially.
Doing these opioids recreationally is also a huge problem for me. But I'm so high off of them that I can't make a thoughtful reply.
I really want to be sober when I post again.
Await a thorough reply for me, tomorrow. I have some more critical questions that I would like advice on.
Thank you for your help. TDS is amazing and I love each and every one of everyone here.

To be continued, I promise I can hold off suicide for another day.

Thanks everyone. TDS is a life saver. Much love to all of you

Signed, me. The idiot who wrote all of the above

 

[TyLannister]

Herbavore- ive never ever teared up on the "dumb annoymous internet" that im always so quick to call it. The first thing i noticed was that you loved his name, and used a smiley emote. In a world that seems to be going nowhere good fast, your the type of person that gives myself and i am sure a ton of others hope for humanity. When i read your situation, i buckled, i cant even comprehend...it puts so much in prospective. You know, everyone knows it happens, yet until you really read something like that, it kinda just goes unnoticed, and speaking for myself, it amazes me, truly amazes me that i can bitch about one of my offices having conflict, or any other thing ive gone through that compared to what you just shared, pales in comparison so much its almost insulting to even post. However, i just really really wanted to say, even though i dont know you or anything about you, you have inspired me, and through some of my business ventures im constantly seeking motivational issues that can really rally the troops. The fact that you went through, what is in my mind, the worst thing on this planet, being of course losing a child, at which point the way it happend means nothing i would imagine. Having the resilance to even post a smiley face ANYWHERE proves to me, humanity still goes on. Your post moved me, in ways i wont try to put into words, and your the motivation myself and lots of others need. I know God aint to popular here, but if there is one of any sort may he continue to bless you with strength my mind cannot comprehend.

To the OP, just read that post over and over again. You only get one buddy, find something ANYTHING, positive about each day, and if you cant then make that your new found purpose, which at this point in your life your saying you need. I will not judge anyones opinion on here, nor condemn them, but please friend, even when people say its your choice, and they may very well be right. Make it your purpose for that NOT to be a choice.
I also am sure this is easier said then done, but lose the drugs man. I know its obvious, and like i said easier said then done, but it appears you got bigger fish to fry.

Confidence- Go join a gym, being in good health and shape, has transformed people i have known to be lke you, and almost what seemed like overnight came out the wormhole feeling like a million bucks. If getting "buff" aint your style, find what you like as a style, golf, tennis, anything to put both your body and mind to of use.
Also, no matter how low you get, carry a swagger, have pride in knowing that very few deal with the hardships you face, and whoop its ass.

Boredom- Anything mate. I myself, even if you knew me you wouldnt believe it in anyway, am a huge nerd. Im not boasting, but im very successful in terms of monetary gain, but what gets me going even more than that? VIDEO GAMES!!!! MMO's....Diablo...whatever!! I care more about my damn in game stuff then i do with real money, cause thats what keeps me sane!! I love it, and would even call myself an addict, but as you have experiance with possibly, theres far worse things to be hooked on. Please note, my point here isnt just video games, its merely one of millions of things to do that are helpful to ecscape the daily routine of life, which quite frankly i believe everyone at some point asks "whats the point?" Find that point! Who gives a rats ass what it is, if it gives you a thimble full of joy, go with it.

Love and Happiness- As they say, the two best things in the world. No amount of dough, friends, nor a perceived notion that you should be somewhere else at this point of your life can bring you. Even if your nowhere in life right now, your still somewhere my friend. Meaning, your still tickin, and as herbavore so courageously shared, there are nany that cannot say the same.

You can and will overcome this, suicide is not an option. Make that your purpose in life if all other options are truly unreachable for you. I know you'll find a more fulfilling, rewarding, and happy one in the future. But for now, your purpose is to stay alive buddy. You have people that love you unconditionally, meaning that if given the choice between you gone or them, without a milisecond passing theyd lay down their life for you. So make your purpose the opposite, that no matter what torment may cone, you WONT lay down your own life FOR YOU.

God (allah, bhudda, James Hettfield, etc. whomever that person is for all of you) Bless you all and keep on fighting the good fight.
-"Ty"

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Is there any valid nontrivial argument as to why I should not commit suicide?

It depends on what you classify as a trivial and non-trivial reason to live. However, in my opinion, the answer is yes. It takes a long time for me to explain how I believe this, so I'll just link you to a long post I wrote so that you can read it if you are honestly interested in doing so.

My philosophical belief regarding why I think any one of us should not commit suicide.

I don't expect anyone/everyone to understand my belief. However, I hope that at the least, one person may read it one day and feel encouraged to keep living despite all adversities that they may face in life.

 

[curioushat]

Thanks all for the advice, I really appreciate it. I ended up getting pretty fucked up off of 60mg oxycodone and 30mg opana, and I am an infrequent user.
When things like that happen, the cycle of negative feedback continues. I feel great while on the painkillers, but it's more of a comforting blanket of sadness. I guess it's the comfort I'm looking for. I know I will feel depressed the day after, but to me it's "worth it".

How can you kill your self with your "Myriad" of support structure that you have, do you know that people would kill for what you have, for someone to care about them?, to love them?, to be there for them? think about it really think about your choice....

I understand this point of view, that I'm just a whiny unappreciative spoiled brat. But that's not what I feel like. While I am blessed with the amazing support, I STILL feel like I want to kill myself. I am beyond lucky that I've never experienced emotional trauma. People who want to commit suicide usually have a good reason to.
First, they are just depressed people. Second, nothing is going on right for them. Their family hates them (mine love me), they have a horrible/no job (I have a good relaxed job), they are old/ugly/fat (I'm none of those), dealing with the death of a loved one (I haven't), or an addiction (Compulsive user, not addict)

I'm trembling in fear of the prospect that something really bad does happen. For Christ's sake, I get super emotional (and borderline suicidal) when I get an A-. I get mildly depressed when I can't find my cat (was he killed outside??)

Say a close family member dies. I imagine the feeling sometimes, and it's a sea of complete hopelessness, one that builds up over time and never goes away. I would get so seriously depressed that I would probably kill myself. I want to stave this off for as long as possible.

Other people wanting to be in the situation you're in means fuck all

Totally agree. I understand that others would kill to be in my shoes, but it looks that I am going to kill myself because of the shoes.

I try to stay positive. I try to set reasonable goals and achieve them. The problem is that when I do, I feel like a failure for choosing such low goals. And if I fail to meet them, I feel like a complete idiot.

This is the never ending cycle of the wonder kid, who had everything going for him. But he fucked up, big time, and now he's lower than dirt and entirely worthless. In the lame attempts to redeem himself, he dresses up in a clown suit at the circus and stage dives off the 3rd floor balcony into the crowd--a crowd that has long forgotten about the old and outdated clown. When he hits the ground, he makes a thumping noise but nobody even pays a shit of attention. He lies there, covered in blood, with two broken arms and a broken leg, gasping out for help. Eventually one man smells the blood and turns and looks at the soaked and smelly clown. He flags down security. He asks them to drag the visual nuisance into the street and leave him there. And so it happens. The clown lies there, knowing very well help will never come and he will die alone. He dies brutally, run over by a huge lawnmower. His body is chopped up and destroyed, and nobody knows (or cares) about a puddle on the street.

Thanks for reading the whiny posts I keep putting up, I really appreciate it.

 

[DooMMooD]

Fake it till you make it.

Believe every day you are not the victim and eventually you wont be. Believe every day you are a victim and powerless and you will stay that way.

I say this also in other threads: stop beating yourself up. To say the following is crucial is an understatement:

Reserve judgement on yourself, for a period of time. 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, whatever. Do NOT say anything negative about yourself during this time, only positives. Do NOT judge yourself as worthless, as whiny, as anything. Wait to judge yourself until that time period has passed. Because if you reserve judgement on yourself for now, when your mind is in a bad place, when you do go back and judge yourself a year from now, you might learn that all that shit you once thought about yourself was entirely wrong.

This is far from easy and you will be CONSTANTLY REMINDING yourself to do so. But after awhile it will be just as easy as dumping on yourself.

Life is what you make it. Your outlook determines far more than you can ever imagine. And you wont even realize how much more until you change your outlook.

Once you change your philosophy, you change your thought pattern. Once you change your thought pattern, you change your — your attitude. Once you change your attitude, it changes your behavior pattern and then you go on into some action.

-Malcolm X

 

[curioushat]

I made a whole new thread about "Last Night" as if Last Night is going to important to me forever.

Truly what it says is this: I am a complete idiot, I almost ended up dead (close!), and when I do die I will be made fun of at my funeral.