Relapsed last week after my sub prescription got used up, I abruptly stopped going to my sub doctor as I'm turning 40 this month and I wanted to be clean going into that.
I just don't think I can. My willpower sucks. I get like two weeks into withdrawal from subs and its like it's just starting at that point. A few years ago I got up to a year off subs and the depression grew worse...so I did what I always do and relapsed intentionally to feel numb again so I didn't have to deal with it.
Anyway sorry to cloud it up in here - so for past week I've been slamming tar and smoking crack. I actually had only two experiences with crack before last week; while scoring the H I was introduced to a crack dealer. I figured mine as well give it another shot because in the past I didn't care for it much due to my affinity for amphetamines. So yeah basically been doing this as a speedball-esque high for about nine days so far.
IVing a shot of H anywhere from 5-10 times a day depending on potency and how blasted I get from the crack. For the past two days I've smoked about an eight ball of it. I just love having the best of both worlds with three combination of heroin and crack. I haven't felt this good in a very long time. After 23 years of addiction my uninebriated brain state is extremely anhedonic and its hard to get any positive stimulation from anything. Being on my computer and watching films are really the only things that I do that bring me happiness and stimulation.
My body and brain are so fried from drug abuse, especially the years of staying up days and weeks at a time on meth, that generally speaking my existence is very meh. I was already someone who had low dopamine from an early age. Recall my depression hitting me heavy at age 12-13 and its been a battle every since.
Today I was having auditory hallucinations, I'm not really sure of how much sleep I've had in the 8-9 days. I'm kind of glad I have the hard because it counteracts the fetty fold. When I'm mostly just on the H/fent I tend to get stuck in unconscious bouts where I fall asleep while standing and I'll walk into walls and drop stuff all the time. I fell in my closet today and took a tote down with me. I'm fortunate that I was in a closed space and wasn't out in the open where I could have stumbled luck further and hurt myself.
Even though I was trying to move on from subs it looks like I'm going to have to head back to the sub doctor. Its better than blowing all my veins out yet again because that sucks, and a few years ago my main veins permanently collapsed and anytime I have a medical procedure or do blood work I have to sit through a bunch of phlebotomy amateurs. This last time, a few months ago, needed a bunch of bloodwork and it takes two nurses to finally get one in my hand but due to existing damage to that vein she could only draw so much from it because it stopped pumping blood into the vial. We still needed another vial for all the tests so they call in this guy, third nurse to help hit a vein. I'm thinking to myself awesome they're bringing in the cleaner, why didn't they just bring this guy in on the second round. He comes in and you can already tell he's pissed or just a dick. He proceeds to stab me a few times unsuccessfully before trying to put the damn needle in between my knuckles, and not only epically fails but chose the worse location out of all my knuckles to do it; I would know because I've used them many times.
Signing off now so I can blast off from the crack pipe. Y'all enjoy your DOCs and have a lovely one .
Time to start learn lucid dreaming again then!
atm) Tonight it'll be mdma and some k again. Nice
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