What to do when the only cure is dying?

[deadendgame]

I'm deciding on suicide because I possibly have paranoid schizophrenia. I can't function, can't hold a job, and in fact my attention span can be low as 0s at times. That is why I'm a 27 yo male jacking it in my parents' basement. I don't care what other people think. Let them think what they think because they're gonna die too and righteously so for being intolerant aholes. They think "oh he's lazy" or "he's selfish" from their POV, but I thought this stuff out and I realized that I can take a short burst of pain to end the suffering right now or I can endure a lifetime of prolonged pain. The latter option is out of the question. How do I get enough balls to do this? My plan is a lateral slice through the stomach. And for you Christians out there, can hell really be as bad as what I'm going through now?

 

[Erikmen]

Suicide will not fix your problems. You never know for sure if it's gonna work, imagine any scenario there was someone saved but when awaken, you may find yourself incapacitated. Lose your hearing/ speech or pulmonary insufficiency.
Besides what are your guarantees on the other side. It may be 1000 x times worst. Are you willing to bet with the unknown?
I am really sorry that you are passing through this, but it will pass. That's how life is

 

[Allein]

I'm deciding on suicide because I possibly have paranoid schizophrenia

Read that back to yourself and then go and read your previous posts here, none of it stacks up.

I suspect what your suffering is intense suicidal ideation, just because we have thoughts of suicide doesn't mean we are going to follow them through although in themselves they can be very disturbing, the very specific nature of your plans is also an indication of this kind of thinking IME.

Using drugs beyond those prescribed to you by a doctor isnt going to help either, are you actively talking to someone, family, friends or a doctor about these thoughts ?

 

[itsok]

Im sorry you are feeling low and thinking about suicide. It seems like you are going through mental issues and need help. How do you know you are paranoid schizo? Were you diagnosed by more than one competent psychiatrist who spend time w you? Also you dont know that your symptoms will last. Most likely it will get better. Just hold on.

I dont know what drugs you are using if you are, but drugs can definitely bring on symptoms. Maybe you need inpatient residential care? In nyc i met ppl w mental illness in my long term therapeutic community for mental ill chemically addicted (mica) and it was all free from Medicaid.

Im glad you wrote about this and shared w others. Try to take action and get some help.

 

[Erikmen]

I agree that you need to share your thoughts with your family and doctor, and I as mentioned in my post trying to commit suicide can be a very bad experience. I know people who tried, you can also look it up, it's often a tragic event that only brings additional suffering.
I believe you know this is not a solution but again if you are misusing your meds those feelings can often be symptoms of suicide idealization.
Wish your all the best!

 

[JadeLA]

hey deadendgame....I have felt exaclty like you do...Attempted suicide dozens of times and battlled depression and anxiety even until this day...My was produced by Addiction and losing my fiance of 5 years because she cheated.....Again and again...always forgave her...took the bait and was destoryed once more...by the time we were over for good I had lost my soul...I had lost my heart...I felt like I had given her my entire heart...and each time she destroyed me a little piece faded away....and eventually it was depleted....I lost my smile..my motivation..my happiness...joy...courage...personality...and hope...I wanted to die..I dreamed and prayed to die to end my suffering...I tried overdosing and by the grace of something watching over me I always failed.....There is no way your average person can live off 10 Xanax Bars 2mg....17 Norcos 750....2 Adderall....Oyxcodone and a bottle of Rum.....That mix of pills and alchohol should of induced heart failure at the very least....But I was fully functional but bankrupt emotionally....

I don't know if I didn't have the courage to buy a gun or the fear of standing infront of a train and/or jumping off a biridge would only make me injured and still feel pain....I wanted to die instantly and drugs did not due the trick....I believe the worst thing I did was isolate and not voice or express my emotions and feelings.....I bottled them all in til they exploded which is what I believe yours are doing at this moment...

I am only talking about myself in hope that my expierence will shed some hope to you or help in some way....

In my addiction I have met COUNTLESS paranoid schizphrenis....From minor to UN-REAL.....I had some halucinate right in front of me and swear by it....Lose there minds and express it....Attack people in FEAR caused by the schiz....I've even witnessed one gun-downed by the police for having an episode in there presence....

So you are DEFINRELTY not alone.....You and thousands of other have and still do deal with what your going through...I can tell your beating yourself up inside about it...But it's NOT your fault...What you have is a sickness....Would you beat yourself up if you had cancer? Would you be angry at your grandma for forgetting who you are from Alzhtimers....You wouldn't it's not there fault...And yours isn't either....

My expierence with depression...anxiety...paranoia..and just down-right all negative emotions is that the more you dwell on them they worse you become...For people who suffer from anxiety they could be fine one moment then convince thereselves they have anxiety and the next moment be handi-capped from the symptoms of anxiety...I don't have much expierence with paranoia shiz....But I dont have years of expierence with a horrible mind.....a broken one so I thought....What is wrong with me...Why can't I be like other people....The older I got the HARDER my parents became on me....You are 24 and going no where with your life...Grow up....When are you going to do something with your life...If you weren't in our life it would be much easier..Why can't you be like your brother....If you can't get a job by next week just move out who cares where you go just not here....I heard this even times where I was acting like an angel...Cleaning the house 24/7 cooking dinner and helping my sisters with homework...problem was I had no job..I couldn't I lost my soul and was a hollow man.....

I am going to ask you some questions..Don't be offended...You are on a diverse website filled with the polar opposite of indivudals...

Do you smoke crystal meth?

Do you do drugs?

Have you told anyone of your problem to the extent that you want help...Do you have someone to VENT too after a rough day or every day....?

Was there a tramatic event that took place that triggered what you are dealing with?

Is your house-hold abusive or contributing to your demise?

WHAT are you willing to do to change?

Are you taking ANY meds currently or have you? Duruation?



Like I said we are close to the same age...I have felt proabably 100% of what you go through or have dealt with....Don't be close-minded to my response because I don't have paranoia schiz....Depression, Self-Consciousness, Suicidal, Anxiety and all other negative emotions that are controlling you I have gone through as well....I have had countless expierences with people who has para shiz...shit one is sleeping next to me right now and he won't even go outside...

The more you sit in your head the worse it will get...The more you soak it in the dirtier you will become...Maybe one do you will have an impulse on suicide....The best thing to do is get out of your head...Spend time with someone else not your family..get out of your house...treat yourself and do something for other people....these might sounds so cliche but these are the cures to the exception of the medical field's cures....When I was inches away of knocking on death's door, I would reach out...The more honest I was with someone the more relaxed I became..Someone who listens, understands and doesn't judge you one bit...Someone who has your best interest in mind not theirs.....Like I said preferabbly not a family member or person living in your residence....The more open and transparent you are with someone the closer your bond will become and to your suprise they will trust you and care about you more because they respect your honesty.....

In today's society everyone likes to talk about the positive and good in there life..Everyone leaves out the dirty details such as depression and how they REALLY are feeling today....It's a habbit when you ask someone how are they doing? they say I am good how about you..Rarely will someone open up and share there mind especially not when they had a bad day....Our society is disgusting and evolving into disaster....Social Media is destroying social skills in public...Principles and Values are being altered by media...Boys are taught to be an asshole, egotistical and self-centered..."Fuck Hoes get Money" "ALL About Money" "Dtugs are the only thing that will make you cool" "All the Rich Famous people are smoking weed and doing drugs...if there so succesful and popular maybe i should try it"....I could go on for days..apologize for the rant...But what hurts to realize is how evil people are these days...how they really don't care or how fake they are....The most beautiful souls I have met in life..are the ones like YOU and I! The ones who have struggled! Becuase they respect life on a different level and there perspective on morals and values has been altered because of there hardships and turmoils...They understand everyone is human and mistakes are a way of learning...These are the majoirty of the few good human beings....If you can get into contact with others battling your circumstances then do it! That person might become your best friend or wife because they can relate to you fully and see the good in you despite the rough days....

My suggestions....Reach out to people...Get uncomfortable....Get Honest...ASK for Help.....Mixed views on Medical Field but try meds they have helped many...but those meds are not naturual they have side effects especially SUICIDE and the emotions you feel everyday....If you can conquer this without pills I highly suggest it....See if your insurance pays for Therapy! Being honest and telling someone how you feel will help you so much i can't stress it enough! And that person is trained to absorb and dictate solutions! Like everything not the first or only one will do the best job...You might have to try 10 different medications....But there is a chance only one of them will influence you positively..Some might make you feel worse....Doesn't mean there all like this..They are chemicals that affect your brain ...not everyone will do it's stated job....This is the same with Therapists...There people like you and me....You might have to see 100 before finding the one that has any positive influence on you...Just rememember the MORE HONEST YOU ARE...The MORE they can help you.....


Ask for HELP and you shall RECIEVE!

Don't Beat Yourself Up!

Reach out!

Identify your hallucinations and what's not reality....

Do something dumb like cleaning your house...Once your down you will build your self-esteem (miniscule) but your still benefiting yourself!

Research what others did in your position! You are not alone on this one...There are probably thousands in your shoes withing a hundred mile radius of you right now!


I apologize for the length...I have felt your pain....and wanted to say everything that came to mind...and if only one sentence helps you then it was worth it! I am here if you need someone to too bud! Much Love! Respect for reaching out and telling on yourself here!

 

[herbavore]

OP, I can imagine that facing schizophrenia is terrifying but there is much hope to be had. There are many functioning people that have overcome many of the common symptoms of this condition (quite a few on this site).

Here is a hopeful video:http://www.ted.com/talks/elyn_saks_seeing_mental_illness

and here are a couple of websites that may also provide hope:http://www.power2u.org/articles/recovery/recovery_stories/will_hall.html

http://www.theicarusproject.net/

Please do not give up on yourself yet. Madness is like every other aspect of mind--full of as many gifts as catalysts for suffering. I know that the feeling that you cannot control aspects of your mind that make your life difficult--and right now, unbearable--is terrifying, demoralizing and is causing despair and hopelessness. My son died of hopelessness and he struggled with his mind. I still believe that if he could have survived a few years longer (he was only just twenty) that he would have been able to regain his hope and faith in his own life journey. I loved him, not despite his madness but inclusive of it. To have a mind that works differently, that experiences the world differently calls for a different kind of life, not a lesser or diminished life. Hold on and try to find the voices of hope among people who understand your reality. They are out there in far greater numbers than you may have seen so far.

And @JadeLA--thanks for your courage and empathy.

 

[Erikmen]

Great post Herbavore.

 

[JadeLA]

ty Herbavore! I apologize for the length and countless spelling errors. I was planning on going back and spell-checking so I could express my response quicker!

 

[atreyaferret]

Excellent posts above. Just wanted to add my .02. You're worth it man...sounds cliche I know. But really. I've thought about it countless times and had experience with others who tried; some failed some didn't. My pov is if things are really that bad, so bad you want to just check out, then change. Change your life, your circumstances, anything. No matter how minuscule it may be. If you think hey I've got nothing to lose, then why not try putting all that effort into something else and see what you have to gain. I hope you get what you need and find some peace

 

[MoreAlkaloidsPLZ]

Don't do it. Anyone who tries to tell you how to amp yourself up to try it is giving shitty advice. If there is a hell we are prolly already here and I seriously doubt that suicide gets us out. Pause for a moment to reflect on how cruel and ironic life is. Do you suppose death would be any less so? Grim I know, but it kinda sucks the wind out of suicide's romantic appeal when you consider it in those terms. Self destructing is not going to do anything but make things worse. Find someone to talk to and try to find some sort of positive outlet for all of those negative feelings. You got this, don't give up.

 

[Maya]

^I agree with you and OP, life is already too short for you to end it. There's always going to be problems, and I know that you are having a very difficult time, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. There are other people who are in far worst situations but are keepin it positive.

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Hey, are you going to quit or live through it? Worse comes to worse, you live through it and you go to heaven as a warrior who was fucked up in modern society. Best scenario is that 4 years later, you're back to 100% and living a happy life. Lower your standards on your soul-mate as well. Don't fall for women who never did bad things, since they're past your [our] level. Find a woman in your scenario who has the same strength of fighting through it. Then create a baby who won't fall for the evil tricks of today's society. Hopefully the drugs we've done won't make our baby defected.

 

[deadendgame]

Hey thanks for the advice JadeLA. That is greatly appreciated. Im on effexor 37.5 mg, clonazapam 2x 1mg, latuda 20 mg, zyprexa 5 mg, and trazodone 50 mg for months but they aint doing jack shit, except for the trazodone which helps me sleep at night and the clonazapam which keeps me relaxed. I rely on stims, mostly cafeinne to get me through the day, and when not I sometimes take addy's as a substitute because they perk me up and help me jack off. I told my family, close friends, and psychiatrist. The ones that are helping me the most are my family as they are helping me financially. But if they kick me off, I'm gonna have to go to the 99 cent store, buy a knife, and gut myself in an unpopulated location. I went to a stupidass college and that was the game changer. Had I not went to the school, I would not be mentally ill and depressed. I can't get a job in the real world because my mind is fucked up, I have bad credit, and my medical records are not positive. The only thing I can do is leech off my parents as long as I can and then leech off my brother when they pass. If that goes wrong, I'm afraid I have to check myself into a psych ward for life. Right now, I'm watching movies, playing video games until I die, and hopefully I die soon because if not, I have to suffer a prolonged pain. Hey thanks for reaching out to me. Can't wait for the day when I don't wake up.