What to do (slipping)

[xxsicknessxx]

Some back story.

I had sugary gastric bypass.. it went wrong... I lost the weight but I gained a drug habit. Pain meds.
9years later after research drugs, street drugs, and doctors drugs, after jail, mental hostpitals, detoxes, and rehabs after pain suffering, withdraw, fun, sadness... insanity... after all this

I woke up I came back 6months sober and on suboxon... but..

I just don't get it. Im about to move, Im doing great, my health is back, my brain is back, my sanity is back. I take suboxon and that's it. I do good on it, I function im about to go to work... it started with snorting subox... just half the time, the rest I Took it like normal.. then I started taking more of it then I should now I always snort it... im at the point I got 19days to refile. I should take two a day but to make it the rest of the month I must take 1.5 a day.... and im having trouble.. I don't get it. I have gone on .25 a day and been ok but when I have it in front of me I can't control my self.. I have my parents holding it for me now but I only have 1.5 a day for the next four days then I get more from them but the way im going.... I took extra already today... If I can't get my self control back im lost. I smoke to much I drink energy drinks to much I eat to much then throw up because of my sugary. I eat the wrong foods instead of healthy foods and normal meals.. I don't get it.. WTF

Its like ... I could get my life back in the next 2months all I need to do is use a bit of self control smoke half as much drink energy drinks half as much, eat normal meals, and take my pills like normal.. but something in my brain is fighting me and I DONT KNOW WHY I try I try and yet I break and break....

any advise... I mean... im at the point where I could loose it.. I mean maybe I won't fall into addiction I have safe guards put in place to protect me... I was smart enough for that.. my parents won't let me take them all I won't let me hold my own pills I give them to them willingly.. but sitll.. Im not playing ball.. im not doing my part..
.... yea i know what i need to do but im not doing it I don't know why... I hate my self for what I do but I just think fuck it why not smoke 3 cigs in a row.. then I don't feel well its insane. Why would I take more meds when it doesn't even help me feel better... its like .. my old habits are fighting to return ,..

I rambled Im sorry.. maybe just typing it out will help i don't know.. I just hate the fact that all I got to do is keep my shit together.... and im not.. that I have been so BAD off that I got it quite good atm and that im slipping and doing it knowingly this time. I know better... i do...

*sigh* I don't know I just am scared... depressed... I don't sleep well... I just... im so tired...

 

[Tude]

First of all, kudos on giving your parents your pain meds. Keep doing that. As for the other stuff, have you asked your friends for help? Like a friendly reminder when you're about to drink more energy drinks than you're supposed to. Or an even easier alternative is not buying the stuff. You can't over indulge in what you don't have. Maybe bring someone with you when you go shopping.

 

[littlecrow]

Hey, if you wanna cut back on energy drinks/smokes, try keeping a little notebook with you. Then write down everytime you drink an energy drink/ or smoke a cig. Do that for maybe two weeks and then come back and look at it. Try to figure when/where you're drinking and smoking the most. Then do something to cut back, it doesn't have to me more than 1 a day, you gotta start where you can stick to a quit plan.

I know it's hard, I smoked cigarettes like a train for years, but that's how I quit. Baby steps are the key my man.

 

[Missykins]

For most people (including myself), Suboxone is commonly unsuccessful when treating opiate addiction w/o adjunctive therapy, either in the form of
additional pharmaceutics, individual or group counseling, and support groups, such as 12 Step fellowship meetings. One invariably returns to the
same compulsive, self-medicating behaviour that characterized their addiction. This message forum is filled with individuals using Suboxone in a way
that is other than prescribed: taking more, snorting it, shooting it, using it with other illicit substances or alcohol, etc.

You cannot use Suboxone in a vacuum. For most people, it will not work. What other type of program are you (or are you not) working?

 

[Biovail]

It's your personality man. I've been the same way my entire life, since I was a kid. Tobacco does nothing for me. I'm not addicted, but I smoke anyway, just because, why not? I have too much free time, yet don't do anything with it. I should just follow a normal sleep schedule, but I stay awake until 2 in the morning anyway. I understand the stuff I do is pointless and often reckless, but I do it anyway. I'm really a smart guy. It's not that I don't see the consequences of my actions. It's just as if some part of me isn't content just living and being happy. Part of me just needs to see how far I can push everything as far as possible, and fuck what happens as a result.

 

[herbavore]

Hey xxsicknessxx--- you offered me support and now I'm offering it back to you. PM me anytime. I would second Missykins advice about getting outside help. I'm excited by some of the info I've gotten from the depression mega thread (for my own stuff)--have you read through it? Do you have access to psychological help? (BTW that is awesome that you have enlisted your family's help and that they give it.) PM me anytime--I mean it.

 

[effie]

xxsicknessxx, you are smart. Very smart. For giving your parents your meds, for recognising when things are becoming a problem and going a bit wrong, and for telling us about it all. You should be very proud of that

Please don't beat yourself up over how hard things are at the moment. It sounds like you are doing your absolute best - you are not being weak, you are being strong. You just need a little bit more help. No shame in that

People have made some great practical suggestions here. I don't really have much more to add, except keep talking to us! And be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot and you have come a very long way, and it is no wonder that you are exhausted and at the end of your tether. That's fine. I think some sort of counselling, or talking things through with a friend or family member, is the best thing right now - and keep talking to us!

edit: I understand you a lot. I take anything I have infront of me, whether it's a good idea or not. I tend to comfort eat. I smoke far too much, not because I crave nicotine, but because I can. I've wondered if I have a sef-destructive streak before.. but I don't think it's that. It's just who we are. Some CBT or counselling could really help you to break these patterns I think

 

[footscrazy]

Humans are such complex things, and as it sounds you're all too aware of, there are different aspects and levels to consciousness. Humans, like all animals, have deeply ingrained instincts, and in people these instincts can often conflict with our conscious 'self'. Drug use and many other addictive behaviours are very heavily based in these subconscious, but very stongly driven desires. I think this is why you're feeling such a conflict - your conscious mind knows the negative consequences of your actions, but your powerful subconscious doesn't think of things like that, and just 'wants'.

I don't think that you can just think these feelings away, the desire for drugs can be considered just as strong and natural as the desire for food, sleep or sex. I think it will help you though if you recognise these desires for what they are, so that they lose some of their power. The conscious mind can always overcome subconscious desires - people who have starved themselves to death in protest are testament to the final say of the conscious self. I think that instead of focusing on getting rid of the cravings, you could try accepting them for what they are, but with the knowledge that they can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

thanks for all the tips/advise. thank you.

I am on my own to a extent right now with lots of free time. To much. I can't get places to easy for (appointments) however I think I will just have to make it work some how and seek help.

I am trying very hard though and im doing better... I think I was in a darker mood when I made that post feeling a bit hopeless but if lifes taught me anything, its that there is always hope. I just have to keep trying and not be so hard on my self when I slip. I mean from where I came from I know im doing a great job. This has been a very hard recovery. Anyways thank you again I will think over everything said, if anyone else has thoughts let me know.

Im just working on really think before I smoke again, not drinking enegery drinks at night limiting my self to a pack and a half instead of just smoking none stop... I drink no more then 4 enegery drinks a day and Im taking .5 less subox a day which is a start for me. I also let me parents hold my extras now so im not tempted to take them when im down. The smoking and eating is hardest but I am getting them under control little by little. It won't be easy for me but then again nothing worth while is easy in life.

later. (anyone try setting aside food/pills/drinks/smokes for the day like (i won't smoke more then 5cigs and put them on the side, and 3 drinks, and write down there food and put the pills in a box for monday) and stick to it? or would this just feed my obsesive compusilve disorder? I don't have it bad but I do tend to over do things sometimes, and sometimes I worry im really making things worse...

 

[effie]

xxsicknessxx, I'm so glad to see you sounding a little bit more positive! Hope will always find you, no matter how impossible it seems at times

You are one strong person! You're tackling everything you said you had difficulties with head-on, I don't know you but I am very proud - as I said, I understand you well and have a lot of the same drives and thoughts and behaviour as you do.

Little by little is the way forward. I think that setting yourself a small but achievable goal (smoke one or two less cigs, have one less energy drink) is the way forwards - that way you aren't setting yourself up to fail, and you get a positive kick when you achieve it. Then, when you are ready, cut back a bit more. Then a bit more. The positive sense of achievement will grow and will boost your will-power, and it will become a positive cycle not a negative one

I've tried the setting aside cigs and food thing - sometimes it works for me, sometimes it makes me feel too constrained then I tend to binge. Try it perhaps, see if it works for you?

As I said, cutting down slowly while rewarding yourself for each small step way works best for me, but everyone is different. Sounds like you have the drive to make this work - it's all about finding a way that works for you

Got to add too, again I am so impressed you have had the self-awareness and strength to hand your meds to your parents. You have no idea how many people wouldn't be able to do that!

Keep going love

 

[xxsicknessxx]

I made it till today im now caught up and no longer behind on pills... thank god... its weird I have gone through such horrible withdraw in my life that this should be nothing but maybe its because im getting older I just can't handle it like I used to.. I have been way worse off in my life way way worse and yet I find it almost impossible to go with just a little less of my pills a day.. its funny... time .. drugs... life.. its weird how things come around and how things work out..

Im getting back to life.. slowly.. guess 9years of abuse takes a toll and I can't expect to get it all back in 6months.

 

[herbavore]

I made it till today im now caught up and no longer behind on pills... thank god... its weird I have gone through such horrible withdraw in my life that this should be nothing but maybe its because im getting older I just can't handle it like I used to.. I have been way worse off in my life way way worse and yet I find it almost impossible to go with just a little less of my pills a day.. its funny... time .. drugs... life.. its weird how things come around and how things work out..

Im getting back to life.. slowly.. guess 9years of abuse takes a toll and I can't expect to get it all back in 6months.

That's right. Go slow and take it in teensy bite-sized pieces.