What the hell does "ambition" mean?

[Bojangles69]

I'm too lazy to look it up lol.

No seriously I'm writing a thread about ambition. I have motivation to learn, evolve, adapt and help people in life. I have motivation to make music, open a business, become a counselor, but I don't have the ambition to make any of this happen.

The computer seems to have become the worlds number #1 invoker of procrastination. At least for me I usually waste between 4-8 hours a day on it talking about things like ambition and trying to figure out why I don't have any.

But this is my story:

I come from a family who was very "soft" in terms of forcing me into independence at earlier ages. When I was 18 the word independence wasn't even in my vocabulary.

I had my own goals set up for life. I wasn't gonna work at all. I was gonna learn how to make ecstacy and speed and become rich by pressing pills and making thousands of dollars a week.
Somehow, at the age of 19 I actually was able to make this happen (I’m a bit obsessive when I need to be at times).

Somehow at 19 I was making about 4-5 grand a week exporting my own homemade goodies to Brooklyn (I live in central NJ). It worked for about 9 months and I blew as much dough as I made. I didn't consider myself "ambitious" even as a manufacturer, chemist and dealer... but now at this time in my life I look back and think "wow I really was ambitious". Even though it was a get rich sell drugs money making scheme. I actually had a plan and succeeded at putting it into action all by myself.

However eventually I got in trouble and adopted the belief after prison time that "no amount of money is worth doing time again". So I swore out ever making/selling drugs again.
I got back into school and am basically done now years later, last thing left to do is my actual graduation date. I majored in psychology as being in prison and rehabs it was a strong motivating factor to know psychology and what provoked human behavoir. I STILL love psychology it just seems to do what I really want (counseling and make good money) I'd have to get a masters minimum.
That means another 3 years of school but I'm already 40 grand in debt. Theres a very heavy need to start bringing in money soon.

I haven't worked a solid job in about 3-4 years. I held a fulltime job all throughout parole cause I had to and went to school. After parole I quit the job and just stayed in school parttime and worked out really was all. That was ALL I did.

Classes 2 or 3 days a week, some studying, an hour or 2 to workout a day and a lot of leisurely time.
I've become accustomed to having a certain amount of leisure time and its holding me back A LOT I believe. I actually tell myself I'm making more money not working and just being home ABLE TO THINK about what I want to do, rather than just actually getting a job flipping burgers and pulling in some tiny paycheck.

I ACTUALLY TELL MYSELF by having time to think about a more lucrative job (time thats turned into almost 4 years now) I'll be able to actually get that job and in the first month I'll make what I would have made flipping burgers in the last year. So just because I'm not working now doesn't mean I'm not "making money". Its a horrendous belief system to have I think living in the pipedream of a future lucrative career I'm not really qualified for at all yet.

I don't have 1 hours experience counseling people and its what I want to do.

Let me rephrase that one time my psychotherapist had me counsel a family whos son was going to jail because he actually thought I'd be better for them to listen to then himself. THAT was one of the best days of my life when the mother hugged me and thanked me for the advice I gave her son. And to have an actual dr recommend a patient to counsel HIS clients was a massive esteem booster. Not to mention he also paid me $80 for 40mins work lol. So there is a teensy weensy bit of experience but I assume not all counseling sessions will be rewarding like that.

I have no clue where to start. I also feel like a hypocrit just because I use drugs. So wait.. "I'm gonna go off and counsel people, then come home and continue my taper off pods?" I'm not really getting high anymore but I'm still in taper stages. But I still feel fake as badly as I want to do counseling.

I don't know how to mend this issue. Do I just wait till I'm able to be clean THEN go do counseling? Or start now and just hope I continue towards sobriety and succeed one day?

I also love the psychology of advertising and manipulating people. Persuasion, seduction and all that stuff. I dedicated about 4 years of my life to "the field", started my own local lair of “PUAs”, have read every book and took every seminar that revolves around seduction. Seducing women and learning how to be a persuasive communicator is a skill I def possess now. I never had it before. I suppose that was an ambitious move but right now I don't do it anymore. I just feel like when I'm actually attracted to someone I don't have a lot of trouble getting a certain person, but intimacy and fear of commitment are a whole nother story. I also saw a psychologist for 6 years about it and never resolved anything. I still strictly game women although I know deep down I want wifey material or a long term relationship with someone serious.

Thats ANOTHER thing. How can I expect to have the woman I want if I'm not as ambitious myself as I expect her to be? I want money, I wanna come home and kiss my wife on the lips and talk. Not a couple that just "lives together". I wanna talk everyday about our goals and whats bothering us. I'm very much a communicator and have always been like that. I want to take 2 vacations every year and explore the world with someone I love. Take long vacations far across the world because we have the money to do so. But without an ambitious job and established independence at 28 (just turned 28 yesterday) what hope do I have?

Sure I can wheel and deal a girl into bed, but I obviously can't expect her to stay that long if I'm working as a fucking pizza boy (which I'm not, I'm just not working at all which I actually think is better than being a pizza boy lol). I mean seducer or not, any woman with a degree of common sense is not dating an unemployed thinker like me unless she lacks ambition herself, and in that case I wouldn't be seeing that kind of girl to begin.

So I talk myself in and out of situations all day long. That’s my life.
I try to prioritize now.
What is the most important.. meeting a partner or being financially independent?

Definitely the latter and I realize that. I have no problem abandoning my dreams of meeting my Juliette for now, just to make it easier... but ok I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Counseling doesn't seem to pay until you get years of experience and eventually a masters. I can do it now but I wouldn't be making shit. Although I'd def at least be investing partly in a future for myself. I can get into advertising and that could promise more lucrative it I’m ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT. Its like fear of not succeeding prevents me from trying at all. But in other areas of my life I can careless about rejection or not succeeding. Like again woman. I kind of get off on pushing past their boundaries and getting blown off. It lets me know how far I can take things and is like a score card for my ability to persuade people. But I don’t transfer that to productive areas in my life like a possible career.
I feel like if I went on a job interview and was told I wasn’t right I’d realize how inexperienced I really am with success. Because all though I def possess potential to do things, in the grand scheme of life I desire much more than I actually currently possess.

I’ve applied for jobs on craigslist but I hate the idea of working for 95% of the crappy jobs that actually have posted. Mow my lawn or clean my pool or slave waiting tables for rude fucks who don’t tip enough. I have ideas like starting a personal aquarium cleaning business as I’m a master at taking care of fish. I just understand the nitrogen cycle to a t and what stresses fish out. I also have experience doing it and it could possibly pay like 60 an hour just to clean someone’s fish tank. It *could be something I’d enjoy but it’s a lot of work to find out. I’d have to get an actual business started first, a website, than find customers. I know I’d be really good at it though so I still contemplate if its something I’d actually enjoy.
I mean ideally I’d love to just sit in a room all day and talk to people, much like a shrink does. But it could take another 5-10 years of work before that’s ever possible. I need something desperately to fill up this “inbetween” time. I’ve also been producing trance for 7 years and have recorded with local vocalists but music is NOT even close to lucrative. You don’t make any money at all really unless you’re into DJing. I’ve considered doing that too buts its too much networking and politics to find decent gigs. Plus there’s A LOT of competition already.

Its like I have to either find the dream job, or I need to start a small business that I can somehow make lucrative over time. I don’t understand how at such a young age I was so quickly able to manipulate the world around me and make more money than I’m likely to ever make again. Maybe that’s what really spoiled the shit out of me. I view every business as a “man on top man on bottom” dynamic and unless I’m man on top I have no motivation to be involved. Like I think I deserve things in life that maybe I really don’t. I don’t know. I just need a plan. Direction and guidance. I need to feel like I’m working towards a goal that will make me happy and give me the things I want. I’m very much pro recovery now. I’m sure I’m gonna get clean soon enough for good, but I need more ambition in my life than just getting clean. If I can’t formulate some sort of stable foundation to stand on now in my life, I’m likely to cave in down the road and start using if I’m “bored” again.
Should I see a life coach? Maybe a career counselor? I’ve seen work advisors at school but they talk to you for 15mins and than your off to do your own thing as confused as you were before you went in.

I just need something more promising to aim for in my life and am not exactly sure what to do.

 

[paranoid android]

Didnt read all your thread sorry im kinda feeling destracted now .

But ambition is basically wanting to do something and doing your best to get it done. Ambition and motivation go hand in hand as you need the motivation to carry through with your plans to do whatever the hell it is you wanna do to better your life and make it more enjoyable.

Atleast thats my definition right now

 

[brutus]

Ambition is one of those things lost to addiction.

 

[artaxerxes]

I can relate to this problem. I've run a few businesses (successfully) and have done a lot of the same mental arithmatic concerning money vs. love (of career/vocation) vs. art. I also worked in the music industry: doing live sound and in the studio, while I worked my way through school. I've also thought through the therapist option, but though it's something I'm suited for, I don't want to devote 8+ years getting the education and establishing my practice.

I ended up getting really hung up on the decisions you're trying to make right now. Some people would say I lost a lot of time and opportunity in my life by getting paralyzed over these issues. I used to say that to myself (until about the last 6 months actually lol), but I no longer view that time as lost. For one, that time is gone; two, regret sucks energy and motivation and regretting is an activity. The more you practice it, the better you get at it. Finally, I don't feel that any time is lost if you learn from it and use the knowledge you've gained.

Anyway, these days I have certain rules about how much time I can spend distracting myself at the computer, so I'll give short advice: I think you should establish your aquarium business, gather experience through it and enjoy what you're doing while you're making money.

You're obviously someone who knows your own mind and working for someone just isn't going to be the best solution for you. You'll just be pissed off if you're giving your energy and ideas and time to someone else. When you're working for yourself, spending time doing necessary bullshit at the post office can be infinitely satisfying because it's for you. And what you learn running your own business, both the practical and the philosophical, can be translated to almost any other field.

While you're running your business, you will naturally continue to consider your future path. While it is true that you will be busy and may be short on sleep for the first year or two, you will have time to think further about what you want to do in the long term. Depending on how your business goes and how well you hire, you may be able to work on a master's/Ph.D. at the same time if you decide that you want to pursue a profession.

Considering how successful your previous business was, I expect that you'll do extremely well at any business you build and run for yourself. Also, since you're worried about being lazy/unmotivated, working for yourself MAKES you motivated not just because it's fulfilling but because you will fail if you slack. Deadlines and pressure are my friends.

Personally, I've decided that I'm not going to spend any more time trying to figure out what the absolutely PERFECT path is in life. I gave that a good try and it didn't work out so well. Now I'm all about taking action and thinking as I go. Again, just me, but I find that if I'm enjoying 80% of what I do during the day and making just ok money, I'm happier than if I'm making $100k+ doing some bullshit, soul-sucking corporate management crap.

If you decide to create a web presence and start your business, PM me lol. Or if you just want to throw around more ideas. I'm starting another business soon and we'll probably be thinking about the same shit.

I just quickly re-read your post… if you can find someone highly recommended, a session with a good life coach would probably be helpful. I'm guessing that you do a lot better under pressure and when you're interacting with people. So even though there are quite a few good books available that will guide you through the same processes as a coach would, I think working with a coach would suit you better and provide better results. 2¢

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey Bojangles, I can really empathise with your frustration and confusion. I often find myself stuck in that mindset as well. I get the feeling that you grew up in a fortunate family and not often having to want for anything. I was the same. And with that, people like you and I grow up with a certain sense of expectation that things can happen relatively quickly, i.e. now. Do you think that might apply to you? It sounds like you've got too many options open for yourself and that's confusing enough on its own. Couple that with the impatience factor of wanting the high-paying counselling job now, you're placing a lot of pressure on yourself. I think you need to simplify your goals to make them more attainable and more realistic. For example, you know you need to get more experience in counselling before you get paid well, so just focus on getting the experience hours up while the pay is rubbish, and with time and patience you will gradually begin to earn more. If in the meantime you need more money you may have to bite the bullet and get a weekend job or something like that. Set yourself small goals at first so you can feel good about achieving them, rather than feeling bad about that you haven't achieved the life-long goal of getting paid $150K a year yet. Know what I mean?

Do you think that your pod addiction is dampening your ambition as well? As you would know, that is a really common effect of any addiction. It sounds like you're on the way to quitting and that is awesome. It may take a little while after quitting for your motivation levels to rise again, but once your brain and body are clear of the drug I think it will be easier for you to focus.

As with the women issue, you're knowledgeable in the area of seduction and it sounds like you enjoy that. But finding the right girl and settling down is not something you can force to happen. It just happens. Patience is definitely a virtue in that regard.

I hope some of that helps