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What should we do?

HighonLife

HighonLife

Bluelighter
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
7,873
Location
My home is in my Head
I've been with my gf for over a year and a half now but about 3 months into our relationship we broke up for less than a day and she fucked someone else. she didnt tell me about it until about 8 months ago tho and its been hard to move past. i thought i was getting over it until about 2 weeks ago when i told her i really wanted to cheat on her with this chick i was doing community service with. She had suspected something was up in the few days before i actually told her, but after she flatout accused me of wanting to bang her i started a huge fight and basically made her appologize to me for even thinking it. i confirmed her suspicions a few days later.

obviously she was devastated and we're still trying to get past it. shes totally convinced that i already did cheat on her/it was just a heads up that its definately going to happen. there was also another fight a few days after i told her about the community service girl where i made the mistake of saying that i think its unnatural to only wanna be with one person for the rest of ur life. i was trying to make a different point but i know it came out wrong. Unfortunately there are some things u just cant unsay.

We both know this relationship is something worth saving, we just dont know how to save it.

Is she right to be this upset over me telling her i wanted to cheat when she already did? or is this something i should have gotten past by now?
 
She didn't cheat on you-you say you had broken up with her. I think she's right to be mad, since you're in a relationship with her and said you "wanted" to cheat. You started a huge fight with her and made her apologize to YOU after YOU lied to her. In my opinion, you should've gotten past her fucking that other guy by now-again, y'all were broken up.

She's devastated because you lied to her, and maybe because she realizes that as much as she loves you, y'all aren't compatible. You told her it's unnatural to love only one person your whole life. Obviously, she thinks differently, or this would be a non-issue.
 
HighonLife said:
Iafter she flatout accused me of wanting to bang her i started a huge fight and basically made her appologize to me for even thinking it. i confirmed her suspicions a few days later.
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do you realise what a tool that makes you? yeah she probably should have told you about the other guy sooner, but you were broken up so it's not cheating. get over yourself.
 
ive never cheated on a girl i was with even though i had plenty of opportunities to. sure there were times i wanted to hook up with someone else but i couldnt bring myself to it. i always viewed it as if you really love and care for that person then you wouldnt hook up with anyone else.

same with u guys being on a break and her fucking someone the same day, imo u both gotta see where ur values in this relationship are at
 
she broke up with me cuz i relapsed on heroin fucked someone else and was back together with me within less then 24 hours

maybe we had 'broken up' but less then 24 hours and she came back to me

it was as if she broke up with me just to fuck around and then get back together
 
HighonLife said:
she broke up with me cuz i relapsed on heroin fucked someone else and was back together with me within less then 24 hours

maybe we had 'broken up' but less then 24 hours and she came back to me

it was as if she broke up with me just to fuck around and then get back together
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Right... so you've already cheated on her? And then she gets insecure because you clearly fancy someone else, and then you manipulate her in a way where she has to apologise for what she said, even though she was right all along? NICE. I think if you truly care for this girl you need to start looking after her emotions, stop being so immature and help her feel less insecure around you, by being gentle and loving and by making her feel more special than you are now.
 
HighonLife said:
but i just wanna clearify i have never cheated on her
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yeah but If you got an honest one on one no ones looking type situation with this chick from your community service what would you do? If you have more work to do with this said girl all your doin is inviting undue anxiety on your girl by her now having to worry about what your doing while your out working. Especially if your being a dick by tryin to justify your actions by throwin in her face somethin your already forgave her for. And then you add in people aren't meant to be monogamous sugar on top? Talk about throwing a gear in your relationship bro if anything goes south from here sadly your actions were the catalyst for it. You need to do some serious damage control with your lady if you wanna keep her. No one should have to hear stuff like that from their s/o and have to worry about them being faithful.
 
You both lack trust in the relationship which is one of the most horrible places to be in. In my opinion and experience, once the trust is gone then that it is. There is no getting it back. You could try getting some professional help together but why bother? You told your girlfriend that you WAANTED to cheat on her. This should be a gigantic red flag. Why do you feel this romantic relationship is worth saving? If you truly loved and were in love with her then cheating wouldn't cross your mind, in my opinion. You want her to be faithful to you while you bang anyone you would like? As someone already said, get over yourself. You can't create the double standard.you were pissed at her for fucking someone else and now that you want to it's suddenly "unnatural to want to be with someone for your entire life"? If you wanted an open relationship then that should have been stated from the beginning, not when it happens to work out in your favor exclusively.
 
Hols girl here, i just wanted to say i appreciate all the feedback from you all. It felt really good to hear that this wasnt something i totally brought on myself. Im happy to report that things are going better though. Hes been bending over backwards trying to make sure i know he loves me. He swears up and down that just by telling me he wanted to cheat made those feelings go away but i still dont buy it.

Im scared to death that hes gunna go bang someone else but i figure i deserve it...right?
 
If you guys were broken up, she didn't cheat on you. But she should have told you so you could make an informed choice about getting back together with her.
You need to really think about whether you want to be with her or not. Being interested in someone else is a bad sign.

If you are positive you want to be with her, you guys need to get all your feelings out in the open so you can move on. Say EVERYTHING on your mind. Maybe you guys should write everything down so you know you've said absolutely everything there needs to be said and that way also there won't be any arguing or interrupting. You guys need to forgive and move on.

Once you're done, you can't hold grudges or hold it over the other person's head. The issue has been dealt with, it's forgiven and done with. No more talking about it, arguing about it, nothing. You guys need to move forward and focus on the positive. That being said, establish the expectations you have going forward... Honest, faithfulness, etc.

Anything else than what I stated above will not work.. You will continue to be angry with each other and it will damage your relationship. Best of luck guys. If you love each other and you guys are compatible and meant to be together you will work it out. Just don't be afraid to do the work, good relationships don't just happen, it takes effort!
 
hugsanddrugs said:
Im scared to death that hes gunna go bang someone else but i figure i deserve it...right?
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Cheating is unacceptable and no one ever deserves it, no matter what has happened previously in the relationship. If he is still angry you were with someone else while you guys were broken up and he can't forgive you and wants to be with this other girl then he needs to end the relationship. If he doesn't want to end the relationship then you guys need to forgive each other and move on. And he needs to tell this other girl that he has a girlfriend and is not available.
 
If you are broken up with someone, they can't cheat on you. Plain and simple.
It seems like you're just being immature.
 
rhun said:
If you guys were broken up, she didn't cheat on you. But she should have told you so you could make an informed choice about getting back together with her.
You need to really think about whether you want to be with her or not. Being interested in someone else is a bad sign.

If you are positive you want to be with her, you guys need to get all your feelings out in the open so you can move on. Say EVERYTHING on your mind. Maybe you guys should write everything down so you know you've said absolutely everything there needs to be said and that way also there won't be any arguing or interrupting. You guys need to forgive and move on.

Once you're done, you can't hold grudges or hold it over the other person's head. The issue has been dealt with, it's forgiven and done with. No more talking about it, arguing about it, nothing. You guys need to move forward and focus on the positive. That being said, establish the expectations you have going forward... Honest, faithfulness, etc.

Anything else than what I stated above will not work.. You will continue to be angry with each other and it will damage your relationship. Best of luck guys. If you love each other and you guys are compatible and meant to be together you will work it out. Just don't be afraid to do the work, good relationships don't just happen, it takes effort!
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This gets the gold star!!

Love is never about getting even or revenge. It's about communicating and reaching resolution productively. If either makes the choice to forgive then they have to stick with it. Old dirty laundry can't be brought up later and thrown in the others face. Sticks and stones can break bones but words actually do hurt. Choose them very carefully, once it's been said and heard it can't. Ever be taken back.

It takes two to tango and words ALWAYS need to match actions. You can't say and promise one thing and then go and do something else.
 
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