What options do my parents have?

[Whatdoido]

This may not give all the details necessary to answer my question, and I apologize if this is written randomly, and sounds more like a rant than anything... My brother has been on and off of various drugs his whole life, he is now 31 with two children. He has been "battling" heroin addiction for a bit over 5 years, and in this time has managed to destroy every bridge available to him. I'm sure this post will be pretty much viewed as the norm on this page (Maybe not?) but here goes... His children have lived with my parents for the majority of their lives because of his addiction and tumultuous relationship with his now ex-wife. During that 5+ years of heroin addiction, he and his children have been living with our parents, my 2 other brothers and me. During the 5 years he's lived here, he's undergone detox after detox, gone on suboxone, methadone, etc. we seem to have tried just about everything and none of it has helped him... He just continues to steal to feed his habit, I can't even tell you how many times we've had to go to a pawn shop just to re-buy something he's stolen. He has this sense of entitlement, like we're the ones at fault and should just deal with it. And before someone says so, I know I'm not as understanding towards my parent's decisions as I ought to be, but it seems like they favor him, enabling him to do what ever he wants with no consequences. I feel like they don't care about what we have to say anymore about this subject, always being brushed aside. My parents recently, and I stress recently, finally took a tiny bit of legal action against him when he went on a week-long stealing spree. And after they got charges to stick, they made a deal... Was I wrong to be shocked by that? We all talked and said it would be good for him to have some prison time, but they didn't back it up, they even bonded him out using god knows what as collateral. They pay for every damn thing he could ever want, good food, a roof over his undeserving head, they even inadvertently pay for his heroin! There have been so many "Well, if/when he does this, I'm gonna -" and "One more time and he's on the street." I have no more faith in their decision-making abilities... It's just time after time of empty threats. My parents seem to think there's nothing they can do, because they put up so much money to bond him out, if they send him to prison that's just more money they've lost. In my eyes, my parents continue to dig themselves in to a deeper hole, dragging the rest of the family down with them. What options do we have? My parents don't want to send their son to prison because he's looking at around 15 years with all the charges, but they also don't want him here. I just, I have no idea what to even look for or look to for help and apparently, neither do they. Thanks in advance for any responses.

 

[pasha]

opioid addicts recidivism rates are very high. there's about a 90% chance that an opioid user will relapse. you have to deal with that, he has to deal with his behaviour, and how to make money to fund himself and his addiction.

governments are partly to blame as well. they refuse to take on switzerland's model and dispense heroin to addicts who have relapsed several times. it actually showed a tremendous increase in quality of life because the addict no longer has to steal in order to get what they need.

welcome to bluelight. i'm going to move your thread.

homeless -> the dark side

 

[cj]

Shit situation all around. Not much you can do.

 

[herbavore]

I'm really sorry. That is a horrible situation for everyone concerned and there are no easy answers. Have they--or all of you--ever considered going to al anon? It helped me put my role with my son in perspective. There were mostly parents in the group I went to and that helped. There is no comparison between enabling a peer (spouse, friend, etc) and enabling your child--we parents have a lot more crap to slog through to get to a clear understanding of what that means. And what does it mean? It means nothing gets better for anyone and everyone suffers. Have you and your other siblings thought about confronting your parents with how this is affecting you (not to mention his kids)?

I guess my advice is to seek help either through al anon, family services support groups or counseling where you all go together and can express your self in a safe space. My heart goes out to your parents, to you, to your brother and to his children. When they say that addiction is a family affair they are not kidding.

I want to also second what baoooz wrote. The war on Drugs has not served any of us well. Families are left to struggle on their own and addicts are left to descend further and further away from the people that love them. That said, your reality in your family cannot wait until the world wakes up about this failed policy. A pattern has been established between your parents and your brother and something needs to shake it up.

I'm really glad you found your way to Bluelight and I only hope that we can give you the support you need to deal with a very complex and difficult situation. There are no easy answers. Feel free to PM me any time.

 

[Whatdoido]

Sorry if this is a late response. I for some reason was expecting replies to pop into my inbox... Me and my brothers and sisters have all at one time or another confronted my parents, I guess it never occurred to me to all get together and try, but my parents become very defensive and try to rationalize their actions followed by guilt tripping us for "accusing" them. I had not thought of attending a support group, mainly because I my only modes of transportation are my parents and my brother (not the addict). I could ask my sister, but she has 2 kids of her own and is a single parent working a hard job. I haven't explored this site for things yet, but I wouldn't doubt it has a support group I could try out. Thank you for your support, I wish I had come to find this website sooner.

 

[herbavore]

We don't really have an ongoing support group as such but you can use this thread as one. I would encourage you to look for an al-anon group that fits your age group and maybe you can arrange with someone you meet there to pick you up. I didn't care what the philosophy was as much as the benefit of sitting in a room of others that understood where I was coming from. This could be particularly helpful for you as there will probably be lots of siblings in your position.(I do actually have a lot of respect for how they get you to think about what you can and cannot control--saves a lot of confusion).

Another thing this site can give you (and has given me) is insight into addiction and how hard your brother may be struggling even while it may appear that he is not trying at all. Addiction creates an emotional minefield for everyone in the whole family and the best thing you can do for each other no matter where you are in the constellation (addict, sibling, parent) is to take charge of healing yourself while trying to refrain from judging. A great book to read would be The Hungry Ghost by Gabor Mate.

If you want the responses in here to come to your email you can go to the top of the page and under Thread Tools select subscribe to this thread. It will then ask how you want to be notified.

 

[T. Calderone]

It seems like your brother is pretty confident that your parents won't prosecute him. I think it's terrible that a grown man with children to support refuses to get help for his addiction. That's not bad enough, yet he continues to steal with no remorse. What sort of example is he showing those little ones? It's no wonder they are ill-behaved.

I know your parents feel like they would be losing money by letting him go to jail. I can't believe I'm saying this because jail is not a good place, but may be the best place for him right now. You see it and so do your siblings that your parents are enabling him.

Rehabs and heroin replacement therapy only work if someone wants to get clean. Your parents could just tell him to leave, but would he take the kids with him? What about their mother, where is she? They could petition the family court for custody since they are essentially supporting them anyway.

I know it seems easy for someone on the outside to say these things. Just keep showing your parents support and encourage them to look into Nar-anon. I put the link in your other thread but here it is again:

http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/About_Nar-Anon

 

[Whatdoido]

To T. Calderone. Thank you so much for understanding. Their mother is a drug addict just like their father, doesn't pay child support, pretends to be a good mom on social networking sites, or take them over the weekend and so forth. And that is almost certainly the reason for his confidence.My parents very briefly looked in to getting him evicted, but they were saying someone said since he gets mail here they can't do anything? I thought that was BS, surely there can be something done. My dad supports him and his children, they all eat so much food and drink so much soda it's ridiculous! Not even his state benefits pay for all they eat and drink, yet every time the subject is brought up of him paying rent it's an automatic "Oh, bullcrap. My benefits pay for all of us!" Which ironically, is bullcrap. And I completely agree, he needs to be put in jail to hit rock bottom, but my parents continue to inadvertently enable him by allowing him to stay here and steal whatever/whenever he wants without consequence. He was in prison or jail (I can't remember) for a short while from when all the charges got filed against him and subsequently dropped and I'm sad to say it was the happiest time we've had since he started living with us, like an era of short-lived peace. I will talk with them about Nar-Anon, I think they need someone to tell them what is right and wrong because they've clearly lost sight of that. I will continue to be supportive to every one as best I can. Thank you!

 

[Whatdoido]

To herbavore: Thank you for the response, I appreciate your feedback! I'll look into possibly finding someone that can pick me up for when I consistently attend a support group, (hopefully with my family) And I will look into that book for sure. I've learned a little bit about the suffering that addicts go through, I just wish they didn't have to spread their wealth of suffering to every living being around them. Dragging every one else down with them with all the damage, emotional or otherwise to me seems unnecessary. I've suffered so much in my life it's unbelievable, my medical file is a foot thick from surgeries and illnesses, but I will never incite misery from others because I am suffering. I don't want to take the chance of stepping on any toes here, so I'll stop my rant...