punktuality
Bluelighter
Preface:
My wife passed away only 5 weeks ago. She was 37.
I wrote this feeling a combination of anger and sadness, and feelings do change day to day, and hour to hour. But this was stream of consciousness I just needed to get out instead of screaming into the void.
Content/trigger warning:
Death/Suicide
==========
You always said you didn't want to get old.
Well now you don't fucking have to.
But I do, and I am left trying to hold,
On to a loving memory of you,
When the awful memories still remain,
And you left me here... in so much pain.
People always talk about your infectious laugh,
And I want them to remember your smile,
But I cant tell them about how hard and tough,
You made it for me, that horrendous trial.
Of how you stole, and lied right to my face,
Despite that, I'd kill for one more embrace.
No one else saw you hide all of that of booze,
Or had to clean up a mountain of bottles of wine,
But I did, I saw you try to fight, and saw you lose.
I tried to keep your mind straight, while losing mine.
They weren't at the hospital, when you admitted defeat,
Or when I got you from work, to drunk to walk or speak.
You swore when you needed help you would ask,
Looked in my eyes and promised you heard my plea,
But then you left knowing that I would have the task,
Of finding your body, you passed your trauma to me,
An image that will never leave my mind, of you dead.
Laying there, smiling, but gone, now etched in my head.
I buried you under a tree, just like you told me,
That's the last thing you will ever get the way you wanted.
Now that you are gone, I cannot respect your privacy,
Because now your story is mine, and I am fucking exhausted.
I wish I had screamed to everyone about how bad it all got,
While you were here, because now it matters not.
Despite my anger at you for leaving all of this mess,
I still love you, and knowing that you felt so alone and sad
Makes me deeply sad too, as the answer would have been yes,
From family, friends, and me, if you had said just how bad,
It had gotten. We would do anything to make you alright
We were all at your wake, some not knowing about your fight.
I don't know how to end this, It's still so fucking raw.
So I'll leave it unfinished,
Just like you did...
My wife passed away only 5 weeks ago. She was 37.
I wrote this feeling a combination of anger and sadness, and feelings do change day to day, and hour to hour. But this was stream of consciousness I just needed to get out instead of screaming into the void.
Content/trigger warning:
Death/Suicide
==========
You always said you didn't want to get old.
Well now you don't fucking have to.
But I do, and I am left trying to hold,
On to a loving memory of you,
When the awful memories still remain,
And you left me here... in so much pain.
People always talk about your infectious laugh,
And I want them to remember your smile,
But I cant tell them about how hard and tough,
You made it for me, that horrendous trial.
Of how you stole, and lied right to my face,
Despite that, I'd kill for one more embrace.
No one else saw you hide all of that of booze,
Or had to clean up a mountain of bottles of wine,
But I did, I saw you try to fight, and saw you lose.
I tried to keep your mind straight, while losing mine.
They weren't at the hospital, when you admitted defeat,
Or when I got you from work, to drunk to walk or speak.
You swore when you needed help you would ask,
Looked in my eyes and promised you heard my plea,
But then you left knowing that I would have the task,
Of finding your body, you passed your trauma to me,
An image that will never leave my mind, of you dead.
Laying there, smiling, but gone, now etched in my head.
I buried you under a tree, just like you told me,
That's the last thing you will ever get the way you wanted.
Now that you are gone, I cannot respect your privacy,
Because now your story is mine, and I am fucking exhausted.
I wish I had screamed to everyone about how bad it all got,
While you were here, because now it matters not.
Despite my anger at you for leaving all of this mess,
I still love you, and knowing that you felt so alone and sad
Makes me deeply sad too, as the answer would have been yes,
From family, friends, and me, if you had said just how bad,
It had gotten. We would do anything to make you alright
We were all at your wake, some not knowing about your fight.
I don't know how to end this, It's still so fucking raw.
So I'll leave it unfinished,
Just like you did...
aches for yours…I know the pain of someone I love taking their life and of wanting to end my own. 
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Poignant work, well written, well thought out and very heart wrenching.
