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What made you decide you wanted out of your addiction? V. You've gotta want it!

Eveleivibe

Eveleivibe

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2013
Messages
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Hiya Bluelighters,

After a few convrsations yesterday I'm just curious to you "addicts" out there what was your "bottom" in deciding enough is enough, no more?

No judging others please - we're all druggies here ;)

PS: if you have other addictions eg Gambling you're free to discuss this also as it's not the Recovery sub-forums.

Evey
 
For me, it was a couple of years ago, when i realised for the first time that i had a poly-drug abuse problem that was rapidly spiraling out of control. I was very scared and paniced when i first realised this. I spent about a year in recovery services, but despite their best efforts they did not manage to 'turn me straight' again. I wonder if all drugs recovery groups and services have a success rate as poor as AA, where only about 1 in 20 persons succeeds in getting clean and staying clean from then on.

Imo maybe there has to be some sort of really catastrophic or life changing event to cause a change, or maybe eventually i will just grow tired and bored of drugs. Maybe health or financial reasons will force me to stop taking certain types of drugs. I dont think i can carry on hammering the stims like i have been doing for much longer. I have no way of knowing how much of that my heart will take. Im very unfit exercise wise atm, i used to have the blood pressure of an olympic athlete (so some nurse told me at least:o) and the heart rate not too far off a Tour de France cyclist. I bet things are very different now. I do care about that though. Maybe that will be the 'catalyst' that causes some kind of health conscious change. I dont really wanna die in my 40s or 50s.

I spose in a way ive almost gone the full circle in my attitute to my own drug use, from sensible and moderate, to full on fiend, now im somewhere in the middle again.

Getting and holding down a job has proved very important for me, not only for financial reasons, but the routine and discipline required serves to put the breaks on things, at least more often than they would have been otherwise.

You've got to want it, is definately right. I was never quite fully comitted to sobriety and my goals kept changing from week to week, day to day.
 
Sammy, you old cynic you :)

MDB, when my elder brother was diagnosed with high blood pressure, he bought one of the more expensive home blood pressure monitors. When he was showing it off to me one day, I said 'ere, do me then!' So he did. He took one look at the readout and said 'you should be dead!' He didn't know I was smacked up at the time.... :)
 
I see Sammy's point, there is no reason to stop. There is no reason to exist so why would there be a reason to stop drugs other than survival. What if it's coffee you're addicted to? cheap and easy to maintain and no reason to stop.
 
Good thread.

I'm on day one of no opiates/benzos/crack/coke/booze (yet again) and I don't have the mental energy to contribute at the moment but I will.
 
Very much an abuser from the word go. By 13 I was already spending most of the weekend out drinking and smoking pot having been using since age 11 and I remember smoking it at home thinking this great I just want more of this forever. Took a kind of normal route in terms of pills/cocaine/acid/mushrooms at 15 on the rave scene but by 16 I was injecting ketamine and skanking the doc for benzos, and on/off abuse of k followed for a good few years. Was always abuse rather than use really, never enough etc. By 19 I was doing my first opiate/benzo detoxes.

I think maybe around the age of 23ish I realised I had a polydrug abuse problem and needed to sort it out, but really my using only got worse and worse from there on in. Lots of IV abuse of anything I could get my hands on (cocaine/crack/ketamine/smack/pharms/phet etc) and becoming very isolated from my friends. I ended up in and out of ther rooms for a while, stringing together the odd bit of clean time here and there but never more than a few weeks really. Then I went to rehab and I had seven months clean off the back of that. Ended up relapsing, repeat cycle of get clean, then relapse and go straight to using at 100mph over and over and over. I'm 27 now and I must have racked up a good 20 efforts at detox and staying clean I reckon.

Currently on day 2 clean from all abusables (unless you count promethazine), clucking physically but not mentally really, and fuck me I need this to work soon really otherwise it's going to be 27 club or years and years for painful repeating the same cycle for me. It's going to be embarrassing.

I was going to put more detail but I'm still short on energy big time. Make of this what you will, ask questions if you want, one love.
 
^^^ Really sorry to hear about what you've gone through lately mate. I can relate to quite a bit of what you said, sounds pretty extreme :(. You're doing the right thing now though, and it's great you've got supporting parents. Hopfully eventually they'll come to think positively about your coming clean to them, allowing the trust to remain in your relationship.

L.Chingkwake said:
Honestly, I'm pretty scared to go to bed and I'm pretty scared of what the GP appointment will bring tomorrow - I'm guessing best case scenario would be a proper perscribed taper? How likely is that? Worst case scenario... ? I'm diagnosed with something serious/untreatable? They take no action? How likely is that?

I'll try and check back here before I go for any advice for the GP's, and will update you all after.
Click to expand...

OK, with regard to this it really, really does depend on the GP, some are a lot more liberal than others. If you're experiencing benzo withdrawals though it's pretty likely they'll prescribe you a little something. One thing they'll want to hear though is that you plan on referring yourself to some kind of psychological support program. Mention you plan on getting counselling or trying an NA meeting or something, they'll treat you better as a result.
 
Good advice from Waterfall I think, and leave the opioids and the crazy dissociative RCs out of your story if you can, simply tell of your beginning benzo habit that you believe to be caused by social anxiety. (Don't be dissappointed if you aren't given a fat box of valium to taper off with as that's probably for the better)
 
Oddly enough it was the repeated attempts that got me. I got sick of going through withdrawals, only to go back to the drug, only to run out of money again, and go back into withdrawals. The mere thought of having to live my life repeatedly going through withdrawal while also being poor is what drove me to give up opiates. That and losing all my hair. But losing my hair was caused by the strange research opioid I was taking called MT 45.

So I'd say for me, it was many different variables all screaming at me at once. Takes a hell of a lot to get through to an opiate addict.
 
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