What kind of PAWS to expect (fear of long lasting depression)

[trip407]

I was on opioids again the last ~3 years with small breaks in rehab or home detox. Most of the time i was on maintenance low dose bupre, 80-160mg methadone, last 5 month 800mg morphine sulphate. All the time i used more or less heroin on top. Also i was on and off benzos but usually low dose max 5-20mg diazepam with the occasional clam or other hypnotic benzos. Lyrica was prescribed for nerve pain all time in dosages from 150-300mg. Most of the time i used synthetic canabinoids (ab-fubinaca/chminaca) low dose for sleep. Lately (6-8 month) i have been using amphetamines every other day up to maybe 50-100mg max.
I fear this cocktail has fucked my brain for good. I did try to stop last October in a clinic with rehab. I quit first diazepam (tapered before and jumped at 5 mg way too high a dose in retrospect), amphetamine (no problem) then methadone (the devil itself), and also i had to drop the lyrica( i am not sure i had withdrawal of this, it just made the methadone wd come back harder) the rehab was strict at that topic.
So right now i am off the morphine for 8 days, it was much easier to kick then the methadone. But on the other side i am still hocked to all the other stuff mentioned above.
I am not sure in what order to stop, i need amphetamine or pregabalin to get anything done, and benzos+cannabinoids for sleep. My idea is to drop the amphetamine cold since i can replace it with pregabalin, then taper the benzos, and try to stop the cannabinoids maybe smoke some days real weed again (little effect now).
I feel ok since yesterday, but that's when usually my cravings come back with opiates. And my home is full with morphine 200's, Bupre, Trams, Oxy 80's , even acetic anhydride to make diamorphine myself ( have done this often).
I am really fed up with this hustling life style , i have lost track of my long therm goals, that i want to reach in my life. Some seem impossible right now, but times might change. And i was surrounded by people which are toxic to me, that's what i have changed at least i hope my family will give me another chance.
One good thing is i am not completely broke i have some savings at my parents and my bank account.

ps: I came of a 7 year methadone/benzos habbit once, so i know it can be done and after 2-3 month i was OK, not good but 4-6 hours sleep and some residual diarrhoea. And that was a cruel detox i only received 1x50 quatiepine and 1x 50mg doxepine!!! No benzo taper, even though i stated clearly i consumed 100mg diazepam the day before i arrived there. The diazepam was still detectable when i left detox 24 days after. I remember i was barely able to walk, eat or do anything except hot bath and listening to music. So far it hasn't been as bad at all, but i use all these "comfort meds"....

Any input is welcome.

 

[trip407]

ok, i met some old friends, i know i should have avoided in the first place. But they are the kind of nicer junkys/weedsmokers in the town. It was weekend my cable tv connection is broken (only netflix and ip tv work on my tv now, which i don't have hah). They gave me 20mg diazepam, and a very small line of i think very bad quality dope (to my standards at least). Still i was in the mood of party after that, i am usually never into that the last years. Also i met this very cute girl on this party full of junkys/speed freaks. I just smoked weed there and drank some beer, danced and flirted with that girl. Yea that is such a big reason to stop opiates for me, i cant enjoy any relationship to girls with them. And no sane girl would go into a relationship with an actively using junky.
So i started the day with 75ug clonidine, 3mg Lope, 225mg pregabalin. (I want to drop harder stuff like amps and Clam entirely, not 100% sure about the ab-chminaca, maybe if i buy weed again) Maybe i can cope with 20mg diazepam again this evening. Now when the hardest part (physically) is over boredom is a real bad problem.

 

[trip407]

ok, i used another bag of dope, my parents come now and visit me, lets hope tomorrow will not be all that bad to me. IF its the case i take a hugh dose (300mg) of pregabalin to cope with the follow up. At least i will try to drop any comfort medication for today. As the bag should last into the night. Yes this is a slip up and may lead to further usage but i am willing to stop again. At least i did not i.v. anything.

 

[neversickanymore]

lose the cannabinoids and opiates first.

keep the amps for a year if you can maintain a regulated dose. you will need to combine these with regular prolonged LOW intensity exercise to maintain and build your neurotransmitter levels.

drop the benzos after opioid detox.. going to need to taper.

nerve pain likely caused by your opioid use.

your up against it. you need to come up with a major multi faceted plan to deal with all this.. can you do this?

 

[trip407]

The nerve pain came from overdoses where body parts where cut off blood for too long i don't know how to explain, i was comatose multiple times. My leg is just numb and prickling. My arm is Ok now just a real big scar from the compartment syndrome that had to be cut wide open.

Today: 2mg lope, 300mg pregabalin, 75ug clonidine. No desire to use opiates. I think i'll switch to weed and diazepam at least instead of clonazolam and ab-chminaca.

Personally for me its better to drop the amphetamines, i can use low doses even orally, but the fallout with lessend appetite and sleep problems is counter productive. And i get almost as much push from the pregabalin, that is what i want to drop at last, because its the least addictive substance off all these for me....

I do regular workouts allready despite pain. I drove 20 km bicycle already this morning delivering newspaper.