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What is your greatest regret?

Bleaney said:
Mine is probably failing to get on a benzo script, following a severe nervous breakdown, when I believe that benzos were probably still available on repeat prescription in the early 90s*, when I was at Uni. My social anxiety was off the scale during that period, and I really desperately needed something to chill my brain out. (*A friend of mine who suffered panic attacks got prescribed diazepam on repeat prescription at that time.)

Without intending to sound conceited, it was quite clear that a number of female students were attracted to me at that time. But my anxiety always caused me to flee, or fail to act, when some really attractive females were giving me very clear signals that they wanted to engage or initiate something.

I think if I'd have had my anxiety under control, I could have taken much more advantage of many of the potential opportunities for one night stands, or something more long term.

I'd possibly have left Uni, with what turned out to be a useless degree, but maybe and much more importantly, a suitable or compatible partner, maybe even a partner for life. Given that there were thousands of young, free, and single women all around, with many of them looking for similar things. Things are so completely opposite today, and I can't deny that I deeply regret not acting on the signals from females that I found attractive and with good personalities at that time.

I definitely would not have 'played the right moves' in every case, even with benzos, but I probably would have at least tried to engage much more, and even though I'd definitely have dropped loads of clangers, and resultant failures, I'd have learnt from every clanger I'd inevitably have made, and probably would have had much more success over time.

I have no idea if ADHD scripts were also a thing back then, but that would certainly have helped too.

Being aware that I had AuDHD would also have been a huge benefit.

But it wasn't until the latest DSM that it was even considered possible to have both conditions. It was one or the other, never both. AuDHD was not even considered possible until maybe 5 to 10 years ago, when the latest DSM was published. And some people wonder why AuDHD diagnosis rates have shot up over recent years :roll eyes: . Mostly so called journalists and politicians, who have no real idea about the subject, it seems to me.
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Not to have a go at you but your ADHD and other conditions are all "self diagnosed" I have severe anxiety and ADHD disorders but professionally diagnosed. I'm on a legit diazepam and zopiclone script and that was in the late 2000's. I'm also scripted for ritalin but I chose not to take. Get checked out and I can't see why you wouldn't get a script pal. Best of luck
 
I regret all the days I have wasted hidden from the world, choosing sleep, benzos and other downers rather than sunshine, friends and other joys I can’t articulate because I haven’t experienced. I regret years in attaining a career I now hate. I regret not knowing how to sustain myself financially without being simultaneously miserable.
 
HeadphonesandLSD said:
It's hard to pin-point one. Since a lot of bad things led to meeting people that I loved (most of which are dead now). There was the time I turned down being thumbprinted because I didn't trust the vibe of the people I was around (probably decent idea at the time, but I'd love to have access to crystal LSD again). There was the time I didn't pick up the phone because I was busy then found out the person that was calling died a week later. There was the moving out of state to support my wife+child only to find out a month later it was aborted behind my back (second time that happened).

But looking back at my life I can trace most of my problems in day-to-day life back to one stupid decision I made when I was 13 years old. The day I decided to show off for a friend while riding ATVs with my Dad. Which led to me pushing him too hard because I was trying to force him into making a mistake so I could get an opening to pass him.

I did force that mistake by riding inches off his rear end for 3 laps in a row. He finally made it on the third lap. He took a corner too wide. But I got sucked in to running the same line and took it too wide and fast myself. When he corrected everything went into slow motion for me and I saw a tree approaching fast. I didn't have time to correct because I had a split second less to do it than he did. I hit it so hard I bent a foot peg+cage into the rear tire of the ATV, which bent the rear axle over like a pretzel and spun the ATV around. It sent me flying through the woods backwards/head first. I remember hitting the ground multiple times and somehow missing a bunch of trees on the way through. I remember yelling "I'm okay!" and standing up. I remember taking my helmet off. Then the next month is a blur.

My Dad never rode with me again after that which was my main joy in life at the time. He still won't ride with me today.

Most of the problems I suffer with today and have had since then in my life all go back to that one day. It ruined my education. It ruined my sleep cycle. It ruined my friendship with multiple people. It ruined my personality for a long time. I had to teach myself how to speak correctly again. I got zero real medical care other than a CT scan and a script of benzos. Got told to sleep it off.

Would end up cracking my skull open two more times after that in the span of a couple of years. Which made all the problems worse. I don't remember most of the things that happened in my life from age 13-18. I don't remember a good chunk of my childhood before 13 either. It's what led to my opioid addiction in time. Since I was willing to try anything in an attempt to become a normal person again.
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That’s incredibly sad and difficult, I am so sorry. You can get books and instruction on neuro-cognitive rehabilitation. It’s not too late to salvage some things, especially considering you display a high level of insight into the problem.
 
SeekingOblivion said:
That’s incredibly sad and difficult, I am so sorry. You can get books and instruction on neuro-cognitive rehabilitation. It’s not too late to salvage some things, especially considering you display a high level of insight into the problem.
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There have been advancements in attempting to help people with head injuries like I have because people started taking it serious about 10 years after I got hurt. When I had my first, second and third major concussion (one with cracked skull) they didn't do anything. The cracked skull was about 2 years later if I remember correctly. I fell on concrete and something pooled under my scalp at the back of my head. I assume it wasn't blood. At any rate all I could do was crawl into a dark room and stay there. I had double vision for a long time after that. It would swirl. The digital alarm clock would go into two and rotate around the real clock for example.

When my Dad first found me I tried to hide it from him. But 3 days later they took me in to a doctor. All she did was say "Yeah you have a concussion" and gave me more xanax. Told me to sleep it off.

I slurred my speech for a long time after that. My vision was really messed up in a lot of ways. I jumped back on the horse (my 4 wheeler) and went out to a field on it. I decided to take it all the way up to 60mph (top speed). I went through the gears and when I got to third gear my vision started to go into a tunnel. By fourth the black tunnel consumed most everything and I was looking through a little peep hole. When I got to 5th gear and about 45mph my vision went completely black. My brain couldn't keep up. I slowed down and rode slowly to the house and crawled back into my dark room. I don't remember much of anything else that happened during the year.

It felt like I became a new person. So much stuff was messed up. My head hurt all of the time. It still does in that spot and I eat aspirin like candy some days. The worst part was my sleep cycle. I don't have one anymore. Sometimes I stay up for days because I can't sleep at all. Then when I do sleep I sleep for an entire day sometimes. Typically though I can only sleep for about 2-3 hours. It's impossible to maintain a real schedule so that I can work a regular job day or night. Everyone else is on 24 hour cycle and I'm on 36-72 hour cycle. Which means when I do work I'll usually be there on 3-4 days of no sleep by the middle or end of the week. Then I spend the entire weekend just laying in bed trying to make up for it.

Because of the above everyone accuses me of being "on something" even when I'm 100% sober. It was horrible when I quit everything cold turkey in an attempt to fix myself only to constantly be accused of taking drugs because I would lay in bed all weekend trying to sleep and recover from a week of hard labor on no sleep.

I have tried to explain this to doctors but all they ever do is toss me something like olanzapine or trazodone. They don't take me serious and I think they think I'm a "drug seeker". They won't give me xanax anymore. Which is fine by me because it doesn't work at all for my sleeping issue. I've tried most everything they prescribe off-label for sleep and most of the sleeping meds. I refuse to take anti-psychotics and anti-depressants because they make me feel awful. I can't take zolpidem because in the past I've been awakened while "sleeping" and spend hours talking to people that came to my house without being aware of it. I'm terrified that if I take it I'll end up driving while under the influence of it and killing myself or someone else. It's a terrible drug in my opinion that should not be on the market.

The only thing I've never tried is stuff like Xyrem. But I've never asked for it by name. The GPs here don't care anyway because I do not have health insurance. So they don't want to deal with me. I would come for regular visits and everything if they'd actually work with me and I could be honest about my drug use without them charting it and labeling me a drug seeker. I am seeking drugs I guess. I'm seeking something that can knock me out at a normal bed time hour and allow me to sleep 6-8 hours like normal people. I want to be a part of society I'm sick of being off sync with everyone else.

The sleeping is the main issue but it caused a lot of other things. I've tried to work on them on my own as best I can. I learned how to talk without slurring my speech over the course of a year. My coordination is better now that I've had time to work on that too. I look normal to everyone. The (I don't want to call it this but it's true) disability I have is hidden. So people just assume I'm lazy when they see me sleeping at 2pm because I'd been up for 48+ hours and my body finally gave out.

I want to be able to hold a regular job and do things like regular people. I've missed out on so much over the years because of this damn clock in my brain no longer functioning correctly. I've watched interviews with people that actually got care from concussion specialists but I've never seen or heard of one that could fix the sleeping problem.

I have three major blows to the head that were really bad but I'm sure I stacked up 100s of lesser ones over the years. Getting a concussion and playing through it was the norm when I was growing up. The old walk is off attitude combined with the never going to the doctor as a point of pride thing. I was terrified of going to the doctor because I knew it would cost my parents money. So I always hid my injuries as best I could and doctored on myself. It was stupid but my heart was in the right place I guess.
 
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acieed_ed said:
Not to have a go at you but your ADHD and other conditions are all "self diagnosed" I have severe anxiety and ADHD disorders but professionally diagnosed. I'm on a legit diazepam and zopiclone script and that was in the late 2000's. I'm also scripted for ritalin but I chose not to take. Get checked out and I can't see why you wouldn't get a script pal. Best of luck
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No, my ASD and ADHD have been diagnosed. I'm on meds for ADHD.

My anxiety has been recognised but not diagnosed, but all my GP practice will give me on repeat is various types of SSRIs or SNRIs, that just dont work for my anxiety in the least bit, except that Mirtazapine helps with sleep.

Seeing as there's no further official help available, I don't see any point in getting my anxiety properly diagnosed. They've said that they don't do repeat scripts of benzos. And IIRC they said words to the effect of I'll have to find some other way of dealing with my anxiety. I doubt if they meant the route I ended up going down, by getting black market benzos, maybe they did, who knows.

CBT and all that shite doesnt work either. My anxiety, and associated thoughts and beliefs are not irrational, or 'cognitive distortions'. People do think I'm weird, and interactions do go badly. I can't have CBT to delude myself into denying those realities.

I know I have social anxiety, on top of the 2 other things, and that is enough for me to at least be able to make sense of things. And that in itself is a great help.
 
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Bleaney said:
No, my ASD and ADHD have been diagnosed. I'm on meds for ADHD.

My anxiety has been recognised but not diagnosed, but all my GP practice will give me on repeat is various types of SSRIs or SNRIs, that just dont work for my anxiety in the least bit, except that Mirtazapine helps with sleep.

Seeing as there's no further official help available, I don't see any point in getting my anxiety properly diagnosed. They've said that they don't do repeat scripts of benzos. And IIRC they said words to the effect of I'll have to find some other way of dealing with my anxiety. I doubt if they meant the route I ended up going down, by getting black market benzos, maybe they did, who knows.

CBT and all that shite doesnt work either. My anxiety, and associated thoughts and beliefs are not irrational, or 'cognitive distortions'. People do think I'm weird, and interactions do go badly. I can't have CBT to delude myself into denying those realities.

I know I have social anxiety, on top of the 2 other things, and that is enough for me to at least be able to make sense of things. And that in itself is a great help.
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Sorry I got that incorrect. Doctors plyed me with SSRIs and that crap too with does fuckall for anxiety. I found an understanding local GP who asked me to try lyrica first which I did but wasn't on a high enough dose for relief then I got Xanax good but too short acting gave it a chance then I requested Clonazepam which he prescribed me then when that stopped working I have been on 3 x 5mg valium which works. But your right you will find a hard time getting a benzo script England are phasing them out I think I heard and in Ireland they aren't easy to get. I was on mirtazepine not a fan. I have heard good things about lyrica for anxiety from users tho. Wish you all the best
 
Bleaney have you ever tried high dose l-theanine, magnesium glycinate, l-arginine, taurine and 5-htp all at the same time? Hits anxiety pretty hard.

Vaping CBG increases GABA too.
 
Ismene2 said:
Bleaney have you ever tried high dose l-theanine, magnesium glycinate, l-arginine, taurine and 5-htp all at the same time? Hits anxiety pretty hard.

Vaping CBG increases GABA too.
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What in shitting crikey is that shite 😵🤔
 
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Nothing.

It's easy to look back and wonder if a different decision would have altered my life. But that is unknowable so I look forwards, not backwards. My single goal? To make tomorrow better than today, even if it's just helping others because to me, helping others makes me feel I'm not simply wasting my limited time on this planet.
 
Trying to act like someone i was'nt, it caused me to get a group of fake ass friends during my teenage years and got me more and more depressed which i believe is the reason i got hooked on drugs as a coping mechanism so easily.
 
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