What is wrong with me

[theactualstevie]

Sometimes I wish I was religious; life would have a meaning.

It's so hard to admit to yourself that something isn't right.

Split mind. I can't make choices without regret and find it hard to have friends. The other me leaks through.

Find my control
Find reasons to beat this
Find truth below
The lies and the wreckage
I can't let go
I'm too close, too restless
I'm letting you know
I'm far too aggressive
So if you can't get a word in it's because I don't care what you think.
Don't be alone inside a world that's filled with make believe.

I find it hard to trust anyone, I just think everyone is trying to piss me off. I'm too paranoid, I'm aware of everything, every possible situation, every meaning that your words can convey. I think people are hurting me on purpose, trying to pull the wool over my eyes, and I do everything to stop this. My head hurts when I'm with people, people can make me do anything, I'm not me.. I don't even know what me is anymore, I change so much that I don't know what I want.

Every choice I've taken already has changed my life. I regret everything and don't want to make any more choices. I hate myself half the time but then there's the times were I think I'm god, above everyone else, in my own world of delusion.

I don't know whether there's a dark side to everyone, but if people are like me, then I would be even more scared.

So I'm stuck, I don't know if I'm normal and I'm sure many people think the same.

Life is meant to be mysterious and beautiful.

Nothing is any more, it's all a game, and if I win, I'm still gonna be having these thoughts. I think about what I would want to do if I could do anything, and I don't know.

The realism of life has sunk in and no magic is left. I was brought up thinking I was the centre of the world, I was special and I believed everything. I have no faith left in anything now, barely even myself.

I wonder if people are just putting up with this shit, just living their life as they think it's meant to be lived. Or are they actually happy, because those people, in my eyes, are the truly deluded.

I could never let myself be truly happy. To do so I would have to be so ignorant, I'm such a cynic. I expect everything to be shit and it is.

I notice flaws in the most perfect things now, and I feel shit. I can barely hold friendships. How can I be in love.. I just see the worst in everything.

I'm fucked up and it's hard to admit it.

I am grateful for what I have, it's just the thoughts of how it could be worse that fuck me up the most.

ANYTHING could happen.

I could be dead. Right now. The chances are so small but chances are chances. Medical conditions, fire, or even a fucking meteorite coming down, and I'm dead.

My anxiety makes it hard to do anything, I'm scared that I will just work and work, having shit all fun, and then just die, with the most insignificant life, a speck, nothing.

Think about this time next week, what will you be doing, set a reminder on your phone.

When that time comes, you will look and remember you set that last week.

But. Doesn't it seem like you were already there, that the space in between has gone.

Time is a hard concept for me to get to grips with. I'm 18 and to think that the time has just gone, so little memories, just gone, it fucking plagues me. What if that happens and I'm 60 all of a sudden.

Don't know who the fuck would read this, but if you can relate to anything and you're anything like me, you will probably be like
"shiiiit! stevie knows!" or more probable "wow he thinks he knows some deeper meaning, what a naive, ignorant kid, deluded over his self worth"

My brain spew is over, diagnose me at your will.

 

[Dave]

Heh, diagnosis by random internet people is unreliable at best. Almost as bad as self-diagnosis

A lot of what you've written resonates with me, and especially me when I was your age. First of all: it is completely normal to flip out a bit in your late teens-early 20s. I was convinced that I was completely loony until I was 24 or so. While I don't want to dismiss your experience because you're young, I can say that you're feeling these things as intensely as you are partly because you're so young. It gets better.

It seems to me like a lot of the issue is that you're over-intellectualizing everything. It's a common pitfall for many, and is linked to a strong ego. I could spend hours covering every single point in your post, but in the end it boils down to: you are neither your thoughts nor your emotions-- both arise from you, but are not you. The more that you identify with your thoughts, the more that you will find yourself deconstructing absolutely everything. Now, don't get me wrong; being able to analyze and deconstruct situations is a very valuable skill. But you need to be able to know when it is valid to use it. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, you know?

Your thoughts and emotions colour your current experience, which leads to the self-fulfilling prophecies that you mentioned. A consequence of having your thoughts and emotions arise from you is that you can learn to control them. In time. For now, simply question them as objectively and naively as you can, while remaing detached from the answers.

 

[RedLeader]

@Dave - That's seriously one of the best posts I've ever read on here. To the point, but extremely valuable and not something I could ever have understood until this past year.

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Wow Dave, serious kudos for that post. Beautifully succinct and amazing advice. I feel like writing "ditto" as you've summed up my thoughts and experiences so well!

 

[Dave]

Praise from two Caesars! I'm honoured

I'm so glad to see the both of you posting here of late, by the way. I've not seen a post from either of you that I couldn't have agreed with; in a couple of cases COTB, I saw that you had posted some excellent advice, and didn't bother replying as I knew that the thread was in good hands.

@Red: these are relatively new ideas for me too, but ones that have helped me immensely, and will help me even further the more that I'm able to integrate them into my life.

@Steve: Please pardon the off-topic digression!

 

[herbavore]

I could never let myself be truly happy. To do so I would have to be so ignorant, I'm such a cynic. I expect everything to be shit and it is.

I have found that the antidote to this feeling in my life is a good stand-up comic (George Carlin!). Having people that share my absolute cynicsm and sometimes surpass it, and yet can have me howling in laughter are definitely some of my most potent modern shamans. Cynicism gets a bad rap. Ironically for me, cynicism is a great way to expand beyond the expectation that I am owed anything in this life--looking at things the way they are without flinching or sugarcoating anything is ultimately the only way to experience the mystery and beauty that is in fact all around us and that you say you have trouble connecting with.

I loved your "brain spew"! You don't need a diagnosis--in fact run fast if anyone tries to pin one on you. You are young. Your eyes are open. Take in all the information and let it deepen and expand your awareness and compassion. Sometimes a state of meaninglessness is the precursor to deeper satisfaction.

 

[theactualstevie]

That made so much sense, and also reassured me that it's not always going to be like this. I think the main problem is I think about everything way to much, it sounds like such a stupid problem, it's hard to enjoy anything when I have those thoughts in my head.

I have this writing as my facebook "about me". I got back from work about an hour ago, sat down and ate dinner, my dad walked in and said my nan, auntie, uncle and mum had all read it. Part of me was like OH SHIT, but another part of me felt so relieved. It's nice to know they think there's something going on, rather than them just thinking I'm being a rude, miserable cunt. I didn't say anything, my dad just said he could relate to it and my mum was like "It was disturbing and saddening to hear that, especially from my son" I started crying randomly (happening a lot lately) about 5 mins after I felt embarassed for crying, walked upstairs and here I am typing.

I felt much less depressed a couple of months back upon starting work, I felt I could provide support to someone in my situation and let them know it get's better. Now I just think I was pretending the whole time. I am currently on my 4th month of mirtazapine, and smoke 1 J a night so I can sleep.

These feelings are very much an "in the moment" thing, for instance I have to try hard myself to relate to thing's I wrote! It's like I supress these thought's all day and when I'm alone I freak out.

Social situations are completely another thing, but I pretty much push everyone away and then feel lonely and depressed and wish I had friends.
It's weird tho, I say so much shit that I don't believe in to people, it's as if people can control my thoughts and make me say shit that I don't think is true.

Thanks a lot for the reply, it means a lot, some great people on this forum.

 

[Dave]

... and you're one of them.

Are you seeing a psychologist/therapist of some sort Steve? Other than whomever is prescribing you meds? You've got a lot going on, and are clearly quite smart, but I really think that you would benefit from a bit of professional help of the non-chemical sort. If for no other reason than it will speed the resolution of said issues along.

Like I said, a lot of what you wrote resonated with me, so I'd like to share this following bit with you. My one, main, overarching regret in life is that I didn't seek professional help when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I could have been so much more than I am now had I done so. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with where I am; but I could have done a LOT more in that time, and enjoyed my life so much more, had I gotten help when I needed it, rather than a decade later.

Bootstrapping only works when you can reach your feet, and sometimes you need a bit of help to get the straps in your hand.

 

[Sheffsam]

...These feelings are very much an "in the moment" thing, for instance I have to try hard myself to relate to thing's I wrote! It's like I supress these thought's all day and when I'm alone I freak out.

So much of what you've written resonates a lot with me, constant overthinking, inability to stop analysing anything and everything that crosses your mind, like someone gave me the clockwork of the world and I can't stop taking bits apart to see how it works.

What you said above tho is one of the biggest problems I have too, one day I know I'm out way of my depth, the next everything is kinda OK. "Screw it, what was I thinking, I don't need help. Shit, did I really write that? Ohgad."

I don't really have any advice to offer, those such as Dave do a far better job than I ever could, just offering a passing wave from/to someone else who's trying to work out this junk too.

 

[theactualstevie]

So much of what you've written resonates a lot with me, constant overthinking, inability to stop analysing anything and everything that crosses your mind, like someone gave me the clockwork of the world and I can't stop taking bits apart to see how it works.

What you said above tho is one of the biggest problems I have too, one day I know I'm out way of my depth, the next everything is kinda OK. "Screw it, what was I thinking, I don't need help. Shit, did I really write that? Ohgad."

I don't really have any advice to offer, those such as Dave do a far better job than I ever could, just offering a passing wave from/to someone else who's trying to work out this junk too.

Yes, this so much, I have had panic attacks over analysing my brain as it's working. when high usually, everything I/we think of is judged by my/our subconscious, and I can see how everything is connected and linked in my mind. I will think of, lets say, a cat, and realise the cat I think of is different to everyone elses imaginary cat.

This happens when I look at anything, I see shapes and patterns out of things rather than the things im looking at. My mind would be racing at this point, racing so so fast, and it keep happening and I forget the last thing I was thinking about. It feels like I'm out of my body and my ears are ringing, getting louder and louder

Anybody experience anything like this or know what it is?
I'm not panicking due to my heart pumping or whatnot, just my mind feels out of control, it feels like I'm accessing something I'm not meant to.


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Dave, I was seeing a doctor every month or so and last time I saw him I told him I was getting better. He always recommends counselling but I'm scared I won't have anything to even say, I might not be in "that mood".

To be honest, I am feeling a lot better today. Is it due to me talking about it? I don't know.
I want to speak to a psychiatrist and find out what exactly I have, but I doubt it's diagnosable.

Thanks a lot man, cheers me up when I know there's people out there that dismiss this as some trivial shit.

 

[theactualstevie]

Another thing I want to add, because I literally don't know anyway I can word this to find out about it.

I rarely have panic attacks, I have had about 3 proper ones in my life.
I don't know what a regular panic attack is, but I think it's to do with thinking you're dying and you're heart feels like it is beating out of your chest.

I've had one or two like that, but I also have had another type.
I feel like I can "see" my mind working, I can analyse every process my sub concious does to normally let my concious have a judgement.

For instance, if I say "think of a cat" to a group of people, they will all imagine their own image of that cat in their head.

That cat they are thinking of is unique to them, it is made from their experiences that they have had in the past, their development etc.

This is called a "schema", which I learnt in psychology and it amazed me.

Now, I noticed that when I look at ANYTHING, I/anyone don't see it for what it really is, we have our subconscious' judging everything about it, giving our concious an opinion.

This happens without us realising it most of the time, it's just basic cognitive function.

But I'll be alone in bed some nights, I'll play a game in my mind, I tell myself to think of something "random" knowing that whatever I think of in my mind won't be random. Whatever image comes in to my head, I think that picture I have in my mind is only what I think in that situation. No one else would think the same if somehow they had the exact same situation.

I'm not talking about an object, like literally a "hammer" or something.

When I notice this judgement start taking place, I feel so depersonalised, I feel like I forget everything, like I don't know anything or have any memories.

I feels like my concious is alone, without the subconscious throwing it's judgement at it.

I just see straight to the sub concious.

At this point my mind is racing, I feel completely out of control.
My ear's feel like I'm hearing a piercing noise, that gets louder and louder, my heart starts to beat faster and faster.

I want my mind to stop but thinking I want it to stop just makes it worse, I lose attention of what's happening, I realize I've not been paying attention and try to think of what happened in my mind in those past few seconds, and this causes the noise to become higher and louder.

from there I don't know what happens, I think I pass out but I could just fall asleep

I don't have any idea what makes it happen but it's spooky.