What is wrong with me?

[PandorasBoxers]

What is wrong with me?
I sit and read the words
Beauty, Tragedy, Love, Hate, Death, Happiness, SOUL
And all the responses too
Inspiration, Connection, Hope, Feeling, EMOTION
And yet I remain so...Distant
And Cold
And Stone
Always analyzing, never applying
Why can it never be for me?
I'm like a limited third person narrator:
I have access to the thoughts, the logic, and the feelings
But I remain unbiased; my subject is me
I try and wish with all I am to be normal
But I am without
Dear God, what is wrong with me?

 

[heedon]

In the absence of "God", I'll suggest that there's nothing wrong with someone who writes with such lucidity. You may be a little ahead or a little behind the warmth you seek, but soon come. Not to worry.

 

[PandorasBoxers]

Part II
What is wrong with me?
I didn't even cry at my mother's funeral.
"I know the pain you must be feeling"
But I wasn't. Empty; tired. Mainly Bored
I'm a bad person, I realize this now, as I write.
I hit someone once. Anger, the one emotion that hits home.
I reeled back and let him have it. The only time I have felt alive.
It was scary, in a good kind of way. I have avoided it since then.
And I lie too. About the smallest, simplest things.
They fly out of my mouth like bats from a cave.
Sometimes I wonder if I could control it if I wanted to
I don't.
I probably could if I tried.
I won't
I think about life a lot. Like why am I still living it?
"If you haven't loved, you haven't lived"
I have loved. Long ago. She was so beautiful.
I never talked to her. Ever
Fear of rejection hounding me, pervading my being until I was incapable of action.
Filling me with a constant sense of worthlessness. I became so used to I didn't even notice it.
Like multiplying by 1, it doesn't change the equation. But factoring the whole into parts, the 1 plays an important role, providing a foundation upon which the rest of the problem is built.
Eventually she was forgotten, a fairly tale from an age of innocence.
I should have cried.
What is wrong with me?