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what is wrong with me... help me find a girlfriend

xxsicknessxx

xxsicknessxx

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2008
Messages
1,016
'I am 28. I have a steady job, good family, im 6"3. I stoped dating after I started drinking. I had a long term girlfriend I loved I was with for 5 years we had sex a lot but after her I don't know what happned. I have dated before but I have never had sex with anyone but her. this is sad. Maybe im not great looking but I am willing to pay for dinner, I know im good looking I am! I have a job I work. I am funny... I mean... wtf... drugs? I don't do them often I would do them to get laid. Yet... im alone right now... im always alone... is this forever?

How do I meet girls? I plan to go back to school soon I hope that helps... but I don't know any way to have sex with out using drugs. Sober dating scares shit out of me. HELPPPPPP
 
Awww, xxsicknessxx, chances are there is nothing really wrong with you. You just haven't met the right girl yet. There are so so so many people out there, and you have to realize that clicking with that "right one" is hard. The best you can do is be open and talkative (not desperate) and just talk to girls. You'd be surprised how that "click" comes out after you chat with someone for a while. For me, it happens after I chat with someone for a long while and just have something in common to talk about (probably why I always date computer engineers/programmers lol).

I also want you to know that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being single and being happy. Actually, I'm beginning to think I'm at my most confident when I'm single, because it takes so much energy supporting someone else's shortcomings and problems. You have to be happy with yourself, and it lets you be confident, so you can be a partner to someone else.

Don't beat yourself up. Being single doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You sound like an outstanding guy, and I bet if you meet a nice girl and ask her to dinner that you'll find someone to chat with and perhaps click with.
 
Alcohol has a way of sapping a person's mojo.

You're going back to school - that's good. Will you meet girls? Sure. Will they be sending you 'come hither' vibes? It's really up to a combination of looks and your attitude. It also depends what sort of girls you want to meet. At 28, you're in the middle of two groups.

You got the girls who are younger than you, and they play an entirely different game than the girls who are older than you. Both demographics have their inherent problems. Young girls tend to hold guys to a ridiculously high, almost coke-snorting standard of confidence-having. Basically, to nail a 22-year-old you either have to be famous, or always be about 2 seconds from smashing someone's face through a plate glass window. Older chicks are more laid back, but come with an almost guaranteed level of baggage you'll have to sort through.

Your pick.
 
just hard after spending five years with her. I just got so dam used to her and then when it was gone was a bad time for me. I wasn't in a state to date after her. But now I am. Where do you meet girls anymore? Except for school or online im out of ideas. school will be nice.
 
Lots of people have trouble meeting girls. Seriously.
You've gotta put yourself out there. Go out. Do different things.
At parties, what do you do? Do you talk to girls? Ask for their number? Call them later? Do you try all those things??
You can't expect girls to come to you. YOU need to take initiative and go for it. I have plenty of guy friends, they are great guys, but they don't date ... that's because they expect girls to come to them. If you find someone attractive, you need to talk to her! Her not talking to you may mean she's shy, hasn't noticed you, etc. but if you are friendly to her, I'm sure she would give you a chance.
Confidence is key :)
 
This will probably sound funny but.. seek spiritual improvement! Seriously I have gone down path of "enlightenment" through different ways. im 22 now and I have never been very good with women. But ever since i "found enlightenment" i suppose some would say they are falling over backward for me, and im not very good looking. I dont have the intention of doing it to meet women but soon as you literally do not care to have them because you are without attachments they can just.. sense it. And people want what they feel they cant have, or what doesnt need them.

Enlightenment in my eyes is just confidence. Tony hawk didnt land the 900 because he was more physically fit or smarter than his younger opponents. He did it because he KNEW he could do it, Unshakable certainty. Once he landed it many others have because it was confirmed it was possible. Same thing with backflips on motorcycles. Soon as one person knew they could do it, and did it boom tons started. they didnt learn anything knew they just have Confidence or "enlightenment".

Now apply that confidence to not a physical focus but your entire being. Know every step you take will lead to good or love because YOU did it. There is no right or wrong but because you did it, thought it or felt it, it was RIGHT. Because there could be no other way because the energy is there and energy is perfect!

So go down this path I highly recommend Alan watts listen to some recordings of him on youtube see if it hits you or maybe OSHO or ramana maharshi many others. But try finding your "enlightenment" whatever it may be. Learn to be happy with no attachments of any sort and without trying the thing you seek which seems to be love or sharing of love through a relationship, will just come!
 
First off, using an anxiolytic for socializing or dating is not wrong if you do not feel sufficiently confident to do so sober. Once you get the hang of it, and learn how to harness your confidence, you will likely be able to do so without drugs. It is funny, I used to suffer from moderate social anxiety, but this quickly reversed and I became very extroverted, perhaps even too much. Even before I began using benzos daily, they taught me that I could be anxiety-free and socialize freely, that it was possible. It was very freeing. Confidence is your friend. Sometimes, you must take life my the balls, and just tell your anxiety to fuck off, because really what is the worst that could happen in any given social situation? Confidence is very attractive when finding a mate, so the more confident you are, the more "attractive" you will be, even if the confidence is drug-induced in the beginning. Explore different social groups, put yourself out there, and have a can-do attitude. Sometimes willing yourself do something which makes you afraid is the best option, and often the anxious energy converts into confident energy.
 
^no, relying on drugging yourself to "be social" is anything but cool.

Lysis
I also want you to know that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being single and being happy. Actually, I'm beginning to think I'm at my most confident when I'm single, because it takes so much energy supporting someone else's shortcomings and problems.
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You must have dated some really awful men. I'd never dump my problems like that on someone! Relationships are often too one-sided, and people expect help with their problems and their needs and wants and fail to bother to do the same for their partner, thus, it is a drain...

llama
Lots of people have trouble meeting girls. Seriously.
You've gotta put yourself out there. Go out. Do different things.
At parties, what do you do? Do you talk to girls? Ask for their number? Call them later? Do you try all those things??
You can't expect girls to come to you. YOU need to take initiative and go for it. I have plenty of guy friends, they are great guys, but they don't date ... that's because they expect girls to come to them. If you find someone attractive, you need to talk to her! Her not talking to you may mean she's shy, hasn't noticed you, etc. but if you are friendly to her, I'm sure she would give you a chance.
Confidence is key
Click to expand...
This is some old-fashioned advice that isn't entirely true. More often than you'd think, girls do go after guys! Also, when I go out, I see the single guys out there in the clubs, meanwhile it's the single girls who are staying home. It works both ways.

Also, don't beat yourself up over this so-called "confidence" thing. That's the surest way to kill your chutzpah and starting a love/hate realtionship with yourself that will lead to more reliance on drugs. I've said it before, that word "confidence" is just tossed about carelessly in the dating advice world.
 
Actually, the scene for meeting people is what the real problem is in today's world. It's not always an individual problem. We all live in spaced out places with parking lots where people can easily avoid other people. Girls stay on their cell phones in stores. Clubs and Bars play the music so loud that you go deaf instead of being able to talk to new people. Single people stay home and play around on facebook. Dating advice culture kills our self-confidence and helps us find excuses to not date the right people. Gas is expensive so long-distance relationships will be more difficult. People don't go to college and try to meet new people, they often hang out with their old high-school crew when they attend an in-state university. People watch about 3-5 hours of TV a day instead of leaving their rooms.

The best a soul can hope for is just running into someone at random, when it is least expected.
 
You must have dated some really awful men. I'd never dump my problems like that on someone! Relationships are often too one-sided, and people expect help with their problems and their needs and wants and fail to bother to do the same for their partner, thus, it is a drain...
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I think I date people I think I can "fix." Typical woman. LOL

I think it gets harder for people as they get older, because really, what do you do besides work? You spend all day at work, and then you have your weekends. When you are in college, it is acceptable to date someone you go to school with, but dating someone at work is a bad idea. So, your prospects are limited. When I go out, I have plenty of men approach me (although, I am standoffish, because the whole "pickup scene" annoys me).

This guy mentions having a good job, and unfortunately "good job" usually translates to a high paying, high stress, several hours of overtime type thing (hellooo salary) and no time for yourself. It makes it really hard for men or women to find a partner, and going to bars and clubs to meet cool people sucks.
 
I hear you. That whole "don't date somebody you work with" is such bullshit. Lots of people meet people at work. Don't surrender to "professionalism" if you work with someone you like. I think finding love in your life is much more gratifying than anything you could find in the world of work. I'd risk a career for love.
 
I have dated someone at work. :p Actually, twice, because I'm a stubborn and don't learn my lessons. lol The first time was my boss and it was a total disaster. Turned out that both of us got fired in the end when shit went down.

The next time I thought I was totally safe, because he and I were both programmers, but we didn't work together. Nothing was direct at work with us other than we worked in the same office. Supposedly, my boss had a crush on me or at least he had this weird "I'm his" type attitude. Weird and odd and I blew it off (my boss was married) and dated this guy who I really enjoyed being around. When my boss found out, he flipped the fuck out..seriously was enraged and I wound up getting fired and the guy got to keep his job, because he had a much more important role in the company than I had. Soon after that, the guy I was crazy about broke up with me, so it sucked.

Both times were fail, so I'm really hesitant about any work/office relationships now.
 
That's fucked up. Your boss was more than "unprofessional" he was a total creep! That might have been worth a lawsuit over, but who's got the time and money to file a lawsuit?
 
Egggzactly. Better to just move on and find another job. But, I now have a "good job" like the OP, and let me tell you, it's tough, because I work 8-5pm now, come home, go to my workout class until 7pm and then I'm tired as hell. Most people who have "good jobs" have the same issue. You work all the damn time, and meeting someone is really hard.
 
Too bad there aren't good places for tired, single working people to go with the intention of meeting someone to date. Who's got the energy to go clubbing at 11:00 at night when you've put in 50 hours at work! Not to mention, clubs always seem filled with couples more than singles. Why do couples go to clubs and pay $8 for a drink?
 
The club scene sucks for people who want a real relationship. It's all about picking up Mr/Mrs Right Now rather than anything substantial, and I'm over the whole one night stand thing. Not my scene at all. Bars are a little better, because you can get in with the bar/restaurant scene, but it's still not really my scene.

I think that is why so many people have turned to Internet dating.
 
Internet dating might be our last-ditch salvation! I don't drink anymore, and you won't see me at a bar ordering a Shirley Temple or an Odouls! You can meet people in the grocery store or at other random places too.

At least with online dating, you know that the person is at least interested in dating.

Also, I never tried to do that "one night stand" thing. Some things in this world are just too below me. It's just wrong no matter how I look at it.
 
MyFinalRest said:
^no, relying on drugging yourself to "be social" is anything but cool.
Click to expand...

Some individuals need anxiolytics in social situations. If that is what it takes for the OP or anyone to get out there, that is what it takes. Social anxiety is very real, and I resent this statement. Drugs can help when used responsibly.
 
I don't know about the internet thing for guys...


Online dating is for women to put up a profile and seem available in order to get responses... and a confidence boost. ...then of course they never reply. Its too easy to just click a button, close the window, and move on with your day feeling a little bit more desirable.


I'll keep my activities in real life, offline. ...at least when I approach a woman she has to come up with something on the spot and she has to say it to my face, lol...

------

All that said, I say forget about meeting people. When you lose that expectation or desire you're free.
 
MyFinalRest said:
Too bad there aren't good places for tired, single working people to go with the intention of meeting someone to date. Who's got the energy to go clubbing at 11:00 at night when you've put in 50 hours at work! Not to mention, clubs always seem filled with couples more than singles. Why do couples go to clubs and pay $8 for a drink?
Click to expand...

I can't speak for everyone, but I used to go out because I enjoyed music and dancing - and I enjoyed the company of my partner in what I considered a recreational setting.

Lysis said:
The club scene sucks for people who want a real relationship. It's all about picking up Mr/Mrs Right Now rather than anything substantial, and I'm over the whole one night stand thing. Not my scene at all. Bars are a little better, because you can get in with the bar/restaurant scene, but it's still not really my scene.

I think that is why so many people have turned to Internet dating.
Click to expand...

I don't think there's anything wrong with internet dating. It gives you a chance to meet someone without the sexually charged and socially awkward atmosphere of a bar/club. It lets the person you're interested in know you can make matchmaking decisions while sober. It's also an interesting anthropological study on human behavior.

That said, I never have used the service, but a good friend of mine met a lot of women this way. It's also worth mentioning that while one would think that looks would be less important on this type of dating venue, I don't find that is the case at all. Looks seem to still trump everything else, even if the pictures taken can be a pretty inaccurate gauge of how a person actually looks.
 
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