What If?

What if I never was sexually abused?

What if I never followed through with the abortion?

What if I never met my ex?

What if I didn't leave myself so emotionally vulnerable?

What if I was never in an automobile accident?

What if he never cheated on me?

What if I stuck to my religion and the wholesome friends I made?

What if.... my life was different? Would I have ever became addicted to drugs? Was it a disease just waiting for the right time to blossom? Would I have became addicted to painkillers regardless of getting into the car accident and severely being injured? Was I predisposed to this? How would I have found the relief painkillers brought me if I never obtained them through the auto accident? Where would I have gotten them?

It seems like addiction was just "in the stars" for me. Scientists and researchers say that a child who has family that has suffered addiction is much more likely to become addicted to drugs. Well no one in my family has substance abuse issues. No one. No one in my family has serious mental illness. What happened to me? Why did I turn out to be the fucked up one?

 

Try not to torture yourself with the "What ifs," hun. I know when I start with those I get myself into negative thought loops that are hard to get out of. None of that really matters now, all that matters now is that you're here and you're you.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe with you, it was so you can help others and be more understanding of what other people are going through. You have a lot of empathy for others and that itself is something that a lot of people don't have. You should be proud of that.

 

Thanks spork

I'm a firm believer of everything happening for a reason also. I hope one day I have a moment of clarity and am able to see everything tie itself together. I feel like it's made me a stronger person, no doubt. I'm just curious to see if there is a greater reason. I'm only 21, so I'm sure the answer is in my future.