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What if you had the chance to do nothing?

J

jasonmccarthy5

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 9, 2012
Messages
166
First just wanted to say this isn't a cautionary tale, just a person seeking help in the biggest way. I am 31 years old, was a victim of the rave scene/club scene, that was my way of life for so long. Had to give it up recently b/c the quality of the tabs just weren't getting me off. I've been on pretty much every kind of drug aside from some of the more recent ones, and no I didn't do bath salt, lol. Well I worked in the past here and there, longest job was 8 months doing data entry. I had a real good job doing Tech Support but it only lasted 5 months. Now I have been smoking really crappy meth every weekend. My problem is that I sleep 12 hours, then only get out of bed to eat lunch, then go back to bed till 4pm to wait for my mother to come in, she usually takes us out to eat. I feel like no matter what I can't motivate myself to get out of bed and find any reason to live. I am on bipolar disorder disability and have type 2 diabetes, my dad talked me into getting on disability which only gives me 720 a month. I want to go back to work but he claims with all the 8 meds im taking for type 2 plus the 3 meds for pscyh issues that I couldn't afford it without the benefits of medicaid, what do i dO? Please help!
 
Doing nothing is just sooo hard not to do. I went through high school and the first two years of college with my father feeding me money.. I was completely fine with it. It just got to a point where I thought to myself "wait.. doesn't he ever want me to be independent?" Cause you know, when I turned 21 I realized I can't be 18 forever, and despite being 21, I'm going through a mid life crisis not wanting to ever get older. I moved away, away from my dad. I even had the chance to sue someone I had known for only a day for 6 figures (passenger in a dui car crash on thanksgiving with some girl), the old me would have done that without any remorse, but this time I turned it down, took the settlement check of 5 grand, and walked away. I didn't want to coast through life with minimal effort anymore, I wanted a challenge.

You, however, have a good reason to receive government aid, so don't feel bad about that. I know how debilitating those meds can be, when I was thought to be bipolar I was on a cocktail of them for a brief span. Couldn't even really get out of bed or find pleasure in life. When you feel it's time, you should go ahead and do what you want, which is get back to normal living. Just beware, it's going to be a hell of a transfer, so be ready.
 
Bipolar can be very debilitating in and of itself never mind the meds. I have been so depressed that i literally could not get up out of bed for weeks on end except to go to the bathroom, have a smoke and occasionally eat something. I don't know if you get mixed state manic episodes but they are hell and that is probably the most dangerous mood you can be in. Depressed enough to want to die and manic enough to carry it out.

So don't be ashamed of the fact that you have a disorder where you have to collect disability. Bipolar disorder is as real as a fucked up back it's just in a different part of the body :\
 
i've spent the last seven years of my life doing nothing but destroying my liver with a serious alcohol addiction, destroying relationships that were incredibly important to me through my refusal and/or inability to quit said addiction, feeding my already pretty severe unipolar depression & anxiety disorders with gabaergics, and generally hating myself to the point were the only mirror i own is the one i use for shaving. now i just ingested a large quantity of benzodiazepines chased with beer for reasons i'd rather not mention, after swearing to myself to stay away from benzos for at least two weeks and to stay dry for at least three months.
right now, a bullet to the head would sound like a good thing.
sorry that this has nothing to do with what the OP wrote, but i just had to get this off my chest.
 
paranoid android said:
Bipolar disorder is as real as a fucked up back it's just in a different part of the body :\
Click to expand...

Right, and doing meth on the weekends is like lifting a sack of bowling balls using your back instead of your legs.

First step is to lay off the psychoactives and let your brain find its baseline. A long-term goal might be to ween off some of the medications as well and deal with the mental issues drug-free.

Can you run? A daily jog combined with healthy diet will likely yield some great improvements in your Diabetes. I'm not saying this as a health nut either. No shit, the last thing you want is Type II to progress. My girlfriend had Type II diabetes about five years ago. She started playing sports and eating healthy and has been asymptomatic for years. It is in complete remission. It's no miracle either. She was on a shitty path and she fixed it. Problem solved.

A few months ago I was having strange symptoms. Strange pressure in my abdomen, shortness of breath, cold feet, and panic. The dr. said it was hypothyroidism, and sure enough my TSH was low.. but I knew deep down why I was getting these symptoms. I was drinking alcohol 4-5x a week. Stupid me was looking up all this stuff online, looking for a cause when I knew all along that the problem was my lifestyle. I knew what would improve my symptoms even though very little online suggested they were related to alcohol. Sure enough, I cut back on the booze and my thyroid replacement started giving me hyperthyroidism because my hormones leveled out. Unless it's in a book or on Google, your doctor knows dick about it. They don't know the full story. Only you know about all the chemical-imbalancing shit you do to yourself. Drug users especially need to be savvy and take responsibility for their own health. They are living atypical lifestyles and it's unrealistic to expect a doctor to contextualize this. You know your body better than anyone and what you intuitively feel is the problem is usually the problem.

When I was 20, I had a mental meltdown after doing ecstasy (or whatever the street version of it was at the time) every weekend for about six months. I had symptoms of depression, anxiety, dissociation, paranoia, HPPD. Clinically, I would have likely been diagnosed as either bipolar or schizoeffective since there is no written clinical or pathological diagnosis for drug-induced fuckedupness I was experiencing. Instead of taking benzos and SSRIs and anti-psychotics, I suffered the yang to the ying I had inflicted upon myself for months on end. I suffered and hated every minute of it, but when the fog cleared I feel I was better for it.

I'm not suggesting that people don't have legitimate predispositions and I do feel that medication is sometimes required, but I also strongly believe that lifestyle is the driving force behind the body and mind healing. Drugs are an aid but they are not the cure. Pain is the cure. Decadence can only be cleansed by fire and trust me when I say that every debt will be paid eventually.
 
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Maybe I wasn't clear in my post. I have the ability to go to work but don't b/c my dad says it wont work out. He claims I wont be able to pay for my meds. Also on another note. He claimed that friends are only friends when its convenient and that they don't last like family. Do you agree? I mean what if a friend moves away? I dont know, just thinking. I used to have a huge circle of friends and now I can't even find them.
 
4 of my best friends in the world are 15+ years and still going. Another is 10+ years and another is 6+

Whether it's a ride somewhere, borrow money, a shoulder to cry on, someone to watch my place while I'm gone or simply a drinking buddy - my friends come before family.
 
it kind of sounds like your dad is manipulating you to hold you down. You can work if you can handle it and it's worth a shot, it will do wonders for your mental health. Depression and doing nothing go hand in hand. At least if you aren't going to work find some interests and hobbies outside of drugs. Friends can come and go but family isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Family comes with tons of baggage, either way both can be great or terrible depending on the situation.

Ask yourself if you think you are ready for work, if friends are a good idea or not and whether your family is really helping you or holding you back. It's about what you think, nothing to do with what your dad thinks. A social and work life will probably help you with your motivational issues and gaining some independence won't hurt either. If it doesn't work out then at least you tried and you are no worse off than before.
 
Sounds like your Dad has been dumped on by people pretty badly. Don't ever underestimate people. Friends are priceless. There are friends of mine I haven't seen in 7+ years but I know damn fine they'd open the door for me. If they move away? Everyones on tinternet these days <3 :)
 
Were you diagnosed with bipolar while doing all these drugs? Be honest.

If you were, it honestly might be drug induced.

If you stopped fucking around and let your brain return to baseline, for a good amount of time, the test is valid. If you keep using drugs during your diagnosis, it could be completely bullshit and maybe you dont even need to take these 8 meds. This is a very important question. I have had to be clean for AWHILE and theyre just now going to start testiing/diagnosing me (as depressive/bipolar/whichever, bipolar runs in my family so they wanna see) but before there was no way in hell to prove it one way or the other b/c I was all fucked up.

Important question, be honest. Sounds like youve been doing drugs for decades and didnt even have time to get diagnosed while sober.
 
Bipolar or not, everyone needs a reason to get out of bed and the morning and you don't have one. For what would you get out of bed before noon?
 
I was diagnosed while I was doing alot of E. But to be honest long b4 I touched any drug I had issues and extreme OCD, I'm sure the drugs didn't help, I don't think they are to blame though.
 
I was watching Morning Joe this morning and he claimed Obama had control of Washington for 2 years, isn't that bs? Didn't he only have 4 1/2 months of Democrat control? I'm asking, please let me know :) didn't mean to merge threads.
 
Also dealing with upward mobility, is it more likely in NY and Cali b/c the rely on govt. Education more than say Texas, even in the bad economy having jobs. Can you make a wage in other states without a college degree? Is Texas different?
 
I think you need to get off the drugs before you can even say whether or not you have bipolar disorder.

Lot of times bipolar (manias/depression) can be caused by drugs.

So basically you may be medding yourself for a condition that you only have when on obscene amounts of drugs, which may impact your life/mental state even more than you have before. You have no idea whether or not drugs are the cause because you haven't been sober for long enough in god knows what time frame.

Sitting there and saying "Well i THINK i was like this before, and that its not the drugs!" when BEFORE was fucking 18 years ago for you when you were 12 years old. Youre 31, how long did you say you'd been doing drugs for? Comeon man...

Sounds like you weren't HONEST with your doc, so how in gods name could they accurately diagnose you?

Ecstasy has been known to cause depression/manic states. Drugs in GENERAL are known to temporarily cause all sorts of mental states/impairment, including bipolar (as induced by drug use I call it), depression, lack of motivation, etc etc etc.

You really need to quit doing drugs for like....a long time before you can find out what problems you really have. It is IMPOSSIBLE for a doctor to accurately diagnose you when you are on drugs as long as you've been.

It is generally accepted as fact in the medical/psychiatric community that it is impossible to make accurate mental diagnosis while someone is heavily abusing substances.

You might not be bipolar at all. You wont find out until you quit using drugs. Honestly maybe the dozen meds youre taking is the problem IF you dont really need them.

Dont be scared, if you are unhappy without drugs you can always go back to them, amirite?
 
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jasonmccarthy5 said:
Maybe if I had friends. Or someone to talk to.
Click to expand...

Well, you'll have to try getting out of bed before the end of the day in order to have friends. And you'll have to quit using. I know those are both scary propositions. And it is true that it is difficult knowing what your medical condition actually is, but being honest with a good doctor can get you there.

What does a fulfillment and happiness look like to you?
 
I appreciate all the responses. Growing up I pulled my eyelashes and eyebrows out, didn't do drugs till I was 20. Now that disease leads to OCD 75% of th e time, look it up. I have been honest with my doctor about everything....hell I even stopped touching drugs for about a year just to see, still crazy. I am not so much struggling with the manic phase or the ocd side of things, at this point. ALthough I did pull out eyebrows the other day, and we upped my Luvox. Now all I do is smoke cigs and meth on the weekend (usually around 60 bux worth) between two other people. I Just want to wake up and be glad to be alive and find friends, maybe even a girl. Maybe start slow, part time job, then move on from there. I just am running out of time, I'm 31 and I haven't got much to show for it except some PLUR and some Etarded memories, lol.
 
Textbook addict thinking/behavior: "Oh well its not the drugs, its X because of Y."

They (conselors/some docs) think I may be bipolar as well, but I have to give being sober a fair shot before they can make an accurate diagnosis. Just wanted to make sure you got an accurate one as well. If youre still smoking meth I'd say thats like.....a real big problem in diagnosing you bro. You MUST stop doing all drugs, not just pick and choose. This all might be from all the meth/MDMA youve been doing for nearly 11 years. I used to say "Ya well I was like this before, its NOT the drugs" but honestly its been 11 years man, do you even TRULY remember what it was like before? (and the answer is no, even if you think its yes, because 11 years of drug abuse will warp your perceptions and destroy your memories).

You keep saying "Well its not the drugs! I was like this before" but how the fuck can anyone know if you still smoke meth weekly? Any doctor worth their weight in garbage will not diagnose someone who does meth/mdma/drugs/etc before they have some decent sober time. And I'm not talking "well i'm sober during the weekdays", I"m talking like "you havent smoked meth or done ANY drugs in over 60 days" kinda thing.

Plus man its never to late to change your life for the better. You may not end up with a Gulf 5 private jet, but you can end up happy. I"m in a similar boat as you, except minus 10 years. Flunked college, dont got a degree, dont got a REAL job, livin at home. But I'm on the upswing because I"m actively trying to change that shit. If youre truly tired of it all, you'll change. Simple as that. If youre not, well then you'll keep on keeping.

I do similar shit as you man lol i used to pull my eyelashes a lot, twist leg hair...wasn't as bad as like the people yanking out the hair on their head, but it wasn't great. And TBH now that i've had a good amount of time off of drugs, a LOT of those OCDs have started to fade. Not totally gone just yet, but fading fo' sho.

Things WILL get better, I promise. You WILL GET there, I promise. I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year now, but I'm not worried. Wanna know why? Because I know if I keep doing what I should be doing, everything will work out how its supposed to.

Big key to that? Stop thinking ahead so far. I used to think SO FAR AHEAD ("How will I be in X amount of time? Will I have a girl by then? I'll never have one! I'll never be able to be clean a year from now! I'll never be able to stop partying!") and honestly thinking like that is a disservivce to yourself.

I KNOW its easier said than done, its fucking HARD AS SHIT for me to do all of this. But the key? I only focus on doing it daily, and I have to actively tell myself all of this shit constantly during the day. .

Worry about doing it tomorow, well, when tomorrow comes.

But quit doing drugs, today, for good. You honestly cannot have any concept of what your true problems are if youre smoking meth every weekend. Shit fucks with your body/mind more than just when youre smoking it...

Also: dont listen to anything your father says, just for now. Hold off on ALL JUDGEMENT of yourself/from others, even if for those 30/60/90 days. Seriously. Also harder than it sounds, but if you give it a REAL SHOT, you might find out that youre nothing like what he says, or you think, you are.

And I dont want you to think "Oh well its easy to say that when youre not a piece of shit" or w/e. ALL JUDGEMENT. Do not judge yourself or accept outside judgement for a few months. And in a few months, THEN look at yourself and see what is truly there.

I know you cant see it yet, and you probably wont be able to for awhile. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to stop constantly looking for it. Put your head down, & walk a few miles before you check again. Who knows, maybe by the time you do next time you'll be out of the dark and under the sun with fresh air blowing.
 
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