What if this is what i want

What if i like this depression. What if i want to see the whole shit come crashing down.

How far will I take self pity? Who else can I take down with me. Set myself on fire and see who dies from the smoke.

Do I need to lose every fucking thing? Even my mind.
Ah i can't even be bothered to write this shit.

 

I've been and sometimes still am where you sound like your at. The fact that you realize what your doing or may want to do is a huge step man. I tore things apart and watched them burn for fucking years and was in total denial to the part I was playing in it.
Hang in there, I wish I could say it gets easier, I sure do hope it does.

 

The tricky thing about things like depression, is that after a while you start identifying with the illness. I would always think of myself as being 'a depressive' rather that 'depressed'. It makes it much harder to get past it, since it has become a part of your identity-- at least from your own standpoint.

Have you had any luck finding a psychologist? Keep on it; you're on the right track, but having a bit of professional help will push you over your plateaus and get you better quicker.