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What if i don’t want to?

helpingout

helpingout

Bluelighter
Joined
May 16, 2024
Messages
424
What if I don’t want to grow, or change, or talk about my feelings, or even have them?

What if I hate everything?

What if existence is great for some people but I’m not one of them?

What if all the people I’ve loved are dead dying ghosted or far away and I’m newly sober and don’t have a support system / think NA people are cult memebers, and notice that my presence in recovery groups spurns people to relapse?

What if I’m socially awkward and people don’t like being around me?

What if I don’t want to be accountable to failing at sobriety so I just don’t tell any one I’m sober and do it with no support?

What if I kicked heroin on my own, hid my habit, and now am trying to get my life together and failing?

What if I’m not getting better?

What if I’m getting worse?

What if I don’t want to fail more than I want to try?

What if I hate?

What if I’m angry?

What if i hate humanity because humanity has turned its back on me?

What if I forgive humanity but humans continue to treat me the same way?

What if I’m not capable of forgiveness?

What if I’m a failure?

What if I lose the people I love?

What if all my friends are dead except one whose far away?

What if my failures are my own fault?

What if my addiction to drugs has been my own fault?

What if I don’t want to cope?

What if I don’t want to get better?

What if I don’t want to get worse?

What if my family has been cursed?

What if I’m right?

What if I’m wrong?

What if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
No problem - you just be you (all other vacancies are taken anyway)
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Well I don’t think I’m being me very well. The whole reason I’ve gotten clean is so I can be me, and I’ve never felt more unlike myself.

I feel like I’m occupying the body of someone I used to be and I keep trying to adjust the body to whom I am now. The body protests.

But I call out the riot police and beat the body into submission.

I’m constantly angry with no object of my anger.

I’m constantly sad with nothing to be sad about.

I guess im being whatever thing occupied the space time location between my ears.

But I don’t know who they are and I hate being self aware.

I’d like to know myself but I don’t like knowing
Myself In the language of modern times.

I feel statements aren’t sufficient to communicate my contempt.

Coping mechanisms aren’t qualified to cope with what I’m going through.

And I don’t even understand why all this is so bad for me.

I’m trying to get to a point where I’m okay with having bad days, okay with having okay days, but I keep feeling myself called to having great days every day. And that period is long gone.

So now I am what I am and I’m being the guy whose body I inhabit.

Whatever. I’m going to go to the gym and not think for a while. Just going to lift something heavy and push it and pull it and put it down again.
 
Well this is where you're at right now and it sounds to me like right now is a struggle, but you're doing just fine at being you essentially (from an outside and admittedly extremely limited perspective)

it sounds ok and normal man - just be and tolerate. Shit will change, it's a fact - don't forget it. Change is inevitable - phew!
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
Well this is where you're at right now and it sounds to me like right now is a struggle, but you're doing just fine at being you essentially (from an outside and admittedly extremely limited perspective)

it sounds ok and normal man - just be and tolerate. Shit will change, it's a fact - don't forget it. Change is inevitable - phew!
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I guess in some way, this feeling will change, it might get better. Things might not get better, but at least there’s the possibility they do. I ended up going to an NA meeting, worked a little bit, on Tuesday I’m going to go to a SMART meeting. Going to try to get enrolled in therapy. I heard this statistic that people who do both NA and SMaRT have like a 30% success rate. At one time I heard that even treatment centers have rates as low as 2%. Yesterday was a pretty fucked up day for me and that definitely changed. I hope other things change too. Trying to get through this
 
Blowmonkey said:
I know right? Work through it though, do whatever right now, you fucking quit, you know how much of an accomplishment that is?
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I’ll give it my best. I’m alive. I’m living. Brain dead a little. But not on heroin. Not on subs. Not on methadone. Not on kratom. It’s been stupid stretching this out over two years but I didn’t want to go to treatment. I wanted this for myself by myself. Maybe I took a risk because in treatment I would have gotten therapy, consistent food, help with job placement, and been able to go to meetings. I guess it was kind of foolish of me not to go. But I never really stick to things other people tell me to do. I can be very stubborn. And even if I wanted to go to treatment to receive those resources, in some way I feeel like I’d have been forced to be there. So it is an accomplishment and I can be grateful that I feel worlds better than the last two years have felt. Worlds better than the five years before that. I’ll keep trying.
 
awkward__silence said:
you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
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I hear you, I guess I do want to do it, get clean, but I’m just struggling with coping. Which is I guess pretty natural considering I basically controlled how I’ve been feeling for seven years. So of course I feel out of control. What I want to do is be happy with the little that I have and not look outward to things that aren’t me for my happiness. I hate exogenous chemical control. It makes me feel dependent on not only the drug but the supply of it as well. I don’t not want to get clean. I just want a break from feeling. And I guess those two things are kind of mutually exclusive. I can’t get clean and not feel my emotions. If I’m clean I’m going to feel. And that might suck but who knows. Maybe one day it won’t.
 
helpingout said:
I hear you, I guess I do want to do it, get clean, but I’m just struggling with coping. Which is I guess pretty natural considering I basically controlled how I’ve been feeling for seven years. So of course I feel out of control. What I want to do is be happy with the little that I have and not look outward to things that aren’t me for my happiness. I hate exogenous chemical control. It makes me feel dependent on not only the drug but the supply of it as well. I don’t not want to get clean. I just want a break from feeling. And I guess those two things are kind of mutually exclusive. I can’t get clean and not feel my emotions. If I’m clean I’m going to feel. And that might suck but who knows. Maybe one day it won’t.
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being stuck in limbo can be uncomfortable but also these questions you are asking like you said is normal so if you are not feeling guilty about it which it doesn't seem you are and you are taking it as honest questioning then really your problem will be yourself wanting to take a shortcut with coping in healthy ways, so I'd say find some cool hobbies and have a support group of people who are not stupid because you are not stupid.
 
awkward__silence said:
being stuck in limbo can be uncomfortable but also these questions you are asking like you said is normal so if you are not feeling guilty about it which it doesn't seem you are and you are taking it as honest questioning then really your problem will be yourself wanting to take a shortcut with coping in healthy ways, so I'd say find some cool hobbies and have a support group of people who are not stupid because you are not stupid.
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I really need to get a support group, get some hobbies going, get into therapy, and try a little harder at this getting clean thing. It really does seem like what I want and I have been stuck in limbo a very long time.
 
Lil'LinaptkSix said:
sounds like you may be human.
also the "type" pf person/ality i am drawn to.
there are deep roots here and depth is a thing for me as i love to go off the deep end with reckless abandon... just gettin too old for it these days.
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Pleased to make your acquaintance. Feel free to shoot me a private message, I’d love to talk further. Getting old has been kind of gnarly for me. But also helpful, in a way, the youthful binge everything never gonna die attitude is dying within me as I try to make these better choices. Didn’t stop me from eating ice cream for breakfast but immmaking progress.
 
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