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What have I become?

Bee The Change

Bee The Change

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 11, 2012
Messages
61
:( I have been using all sorts of drugs in my life just to self medicate. I have gender identity disorder and opiates seem to be the only way for me too cope with this problem until I start hormones to transition. My addiction to Pain pills has gotten to the point where I have lost all control. Today I stole my moms pain pills that she really needs for her pain, and I didn't even blink an eyelash.

I believe in using psychedelics a lot and they are not problems for ( maybe 6-7 good trips a year) me as they can help me sort out all the confusion in my head that I normally cant think about do to shame. However the pain pills is destroying me, I cant be social anymore without them, I always have to be on them! I just never thought I would be hurting people to supply my habits, I stole from my mother who Is sick just for me to get high. I am very sick and I dont think I deserve to be here anymore.

I don't think I can stop, what started out as something to ease the pain of being in the wrong body turned me into a soulless being. If I don't quit soon its going to be too late my doses are getting higher and higher and I am doing foolish things to make money to supply this inferno which engulfs me.

Sometimes I wonder if I got my operation done soon I might find the inner determination and self esteem to quit using this. I feel like I just shouldn't inhabit the world because I am a monster :'( I need hormones.

if anyone knows any effective ways to stop this endless loop then please your advice will be taken to heart. Also if anyone knows anything about Gender identity disorder you might be so kind as to talk to me about it. I don't want this to be the end of me, but sometimes ( alot of times) I feel it wouldnt be so bad If I left, it would save everyone a great deal of pain.

Bee
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Bee. You're a good person and deserve to be happy.

Have you talked to a therapist about this at all? They might be able to help you sort out your feelings and confront them instead of self-medicating. Something that also might help is writing about how you're feeling, especially when you're craving. You can do this just for yourself or publicly (in a place like Bluelight Blogs perhaps) so you can get a little feedback on it. It's really up to you, but writing really does seem to help me when I'm going through hard times.

Much love. <3
 
My appointment is this Thursday with a gender specialist. I am not even sure how I am going to get through talking about it without using. Social anxiety combined with GID pretty much sucks. I am thinking about starting a blog here about my whole transition and recovery.

Thank for the <3 right back at you
 
Give us some backround.How old are you? how long are you on hormones(what hormones?),on what pain meds? etc etc
 
I am 18 as far as drugs I use, anything from Hydro to Oxy, morphs, fent patches, opium tea, anything in the opiate familey alot of H too. My hormones would be Male to female hormones such as estrogen proestrogen, antiandrogens and such
 
I feel so bad for you. I couldn't imagine being the man I am in the body of a woman. It must be very difficult just to live. I can understand why you would use opiates. It seems to just make things bearable for VERY man people. I'm gay so I can kinda understand the stigma you feel in public or maybe even at home. If you want to talk privately you can PM me anytime. I know a few transgendered individuals and have talked with them on several occasions so I have some knowledge on the subject. You gotta remember tho that even after your reassignment, you will probably still have some issues with your body, etc so don't over expect things too much because you could be setting yourself up for disaster. Just make sure to love you...for you. I hope you can learn to manage your addiction and there are plenty of tools here that you can work with. You will also get a lot of side effects from the estrogen so that's going to mess with you and you'll have to deal with that also. Best of luck and much love to you... :)
 
You are only 18 and that suddens me.....I'll try to summarize all my thought in a couple of sentences.....! I have used used hormones, both male and female at your age, for different purposes though. I'll tell you this though...i wish i was at your age, the world is at your FEET, trust me...you can still become whoever u want. IF u have the will to self-medicate yourself with hormones and have researched enough about them, i strongly believe you still have time to change even the world. Stick to your dreams, your hopes and the music? that expresses you. Our dreams and hopes is what keeps us going even in the darkest of hours....If you were a little bit older i would talk to you differently but i can't imagine despair taking over you at your 18th birthday. Your prime is ahead of you and waiting to be unrapped. Heroin/opiate family has the ability to eliminate your sex drive!!! What have you become??..Well u haven't become anything yet. My best suggestion is to kick-off the opiates at first and the hormones afterwards,tapering off and decide with a clear thought WHO you are. Your med-combo has a tendency to cloud your judgement more than anything!!! Research and don't fall into despair. I can write million of words but i'm too tired at the moment. If you use skype and really need someone to talk to add me: Iwilltaketherain. It is the worst thing from my point of view to see so young people fall in the labyrinth you are in to.
 
Bee, I totally feel you with your anxiety about talking to a therapist. It can be really intimidating when you're seeing someone for the first time. Since it's your first appointment, they'll probably just try to get some background information from you. I'd also suggest bringing a list of things you'd like to talk about too. I try to makes lists for all kinds of appointments and it really seems to help keep me focused and grounded. If I don't do this I'll forget about the questions/topics or just get too anxious about discussing them.

Let us know how your appointment goes, hun. <3
 
Thanks for your words everyone, today was just a really crappy day, haven't used in like 8 hours which isn't much of an accomplishment but its a start I suppose. I got some other things to keep my mind preoccupied anyways. I will defiantly tell you how the apt goes Spork <3
 
Whatever body you are in your mind will still be the same. You need to work on your feelings with someone also.
 
Once you talk to a gender specialist, and get on HRT and transition you will be feeling better.

A friend of mine she used to drink a lot and she was majorly depressed; but now since she's on estrogen and transitioning she's doing a lot better.

Tell the therapist about how you have issues with opiates and how you want to get sober if you want to do this.
 
Hey Bee, I don't think you have a disorder. What you have is a reality. I don't know what country you live in or what state if you are American but I can tell you that getting a good and supportive gender specialist will change so many things for you. One of the closest people in my life--she's 24 now but I've known her since she was in diapers and in a male body--just had surgery and the weight that has been lifted off her shoulders is phenomenal. I hope that the specialist you see is good--if not, keep looking.

As far as your question about the opiates goes, can you try to taper off? Right now seems like a really hard time to try to quit so maybe cutting back slowly would work better.

Stay around and let us know how it's going. We are all pulling for you to find acceptance, get off the opiates and begin the journey to yourself as YOU define it. You have all my admiration.<3
 
I hope you've found some insight here along with some kind words. There are so many people here that care and/or can relate to what you are going thru. Just keep your head up high and be proud of who you are regardless of your gender. You seem like a very beautiful young adult... :)
 
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