what drugs make you think......

[yoUr bLiSS]

why?
why do i fucking do this to myself?
did i accomplish anything?
become enlighted?
or did i just get fucked up?
it's all getting old
i've got the message
cultivated years of knowledge and wisdom
become the person i am today
a lot in part to altered states of reality
so what am i still looking for?
answers?
a purpose?
just something more?
where will i find it?
certainly not in the misdt of some dark lonely k-hole....
certainly not in the chemically induced bliss of one too many pills...
speed may accomplish a lot...but she always leaves me empty
alochol simply causes me to smoke and wallow...
there are many others i don't have the attention span to mention at the moment...
after about 3 years of this madnesss
i realize it's pointless
why do this to ourselves each weekend?
for some sort of long exhauseted thrill???
strange contradicton, but i do drugs to feel young and innocent again.
unjaded
starry-eyed
joyously unrestrained
what i need to do is dig deeper
it exists within
i know it
i feel it in that song on the radio
that achingly nostalgic whiff of love's baby soft
or the comfort of reminicing a long lost childhood friend
while chemically disturbed
i wallow in my loss of it
clear-headed i live in the joy of the memory
wake up girl!
you know your better then this!
you know your past all this
pull yourself up
dust off
and get back on with your life
apply for CAL ARTS
don't just dream about it
fuck the outrageous tuition
you can get loans
if i spend a lifetime paying off a dream
at least i know my intentions were pure
i'm doing what i love
millions of dollars can't buy that
give yourself 6 months
6 months to clean up
save up
work this once strong dancer's body
back in to shape
i'm so much thinner now
yet i use to have muscle
used to have power
used to have drive
ambition
discipline
motivation
in the last few years i seem to have lost myself in the external realms but have truly found myself on the inside...
it's been great but my life must go on
i mean really i'm 25 now...am i still going to be partying my scrawny little ass off at 30? maybe i'm the belle of the ball on the weekends but this belle don't have much else going for her once she's trudged thru another mindless, passionless, 9-5 workweek but the hope of chemical salvation on the weekends....
hopefully for once this will be the true start
of a new change...
i've lost count on how many false starts i've had......
[ 11 November 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]

 

[Tribal Hybridz]

im right behind ya on the way to tha top! just go, make daily shedules of what you have to do today to make tommorrow more productive. you'll get there, you know you have it in you and you know which direction you want to go. dont give up,you are still young in the heart.

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

a bit more...my words seem to be endless tonight...
no more buffers
no more escape routes
come to the realization
there's no easy way out
usually at this point one of the following transpires:
A. i drink myself to oblivion. simply a way to put my body to rest
B. i get stoned out of my head, put some wallowing cd on repeat(usually James "Laid")and eventually drift off...
***or the recent addition of....***
C. you come to the realization you need to face all this shit on your own...no more fancy facades...harsh stone cold sobriety and realization....
no more
no more sugarcoating
face it now head on
face it with a new determination
not the tweeked-out-of-her head ready to take on the world gung-ho attitude
nor the stoned and suddenly inspired pipe dreams which never seem to quite leave the couch
face it defiantly
armed with the knowledge that in the end
YOU CAN TRULY ONLY SAVE YOURSELF
IF YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO SAVE YOU
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE SAVED
there is passion there
there is strength
and there is intent
i don't need all this
i am so much more
just stop now...today.
change things
rearrange them
cultivate your light for once
instead of festering in your darkness
strange...in spite of the fact that i sit here awake still...reveling in all my cracked-out meddle-headed glory...clarity has managed to seep in thru my soul leaving me for once with all the answers i always seem to have been searching for but did not know it until just this moment...

 

[Taliana]

You Go Girl!!!
Don't let anything get in the way of your dreams... the hardest thing is COMING to that realisation of what you actually want to do with the rest of your life... and the fact u have decided to take the first step is monumental.
The person depicted in your story was me a year and a half ago... but i pulled through and realised what i WANTED AND LOVED doing and put my party life on the sidelines. (Though i must say, dont give it all up completely, just do it all moderately, best way) With me, the job i want to do takes up a LOT of time (film/tv), but when u find something u REALLY love, its really easy to give up partying etc... (as long as your friends understand.. ) another thing... u will find out who your TRUE friends are when u stop partying/drugging it up every weekend aswell... u will know the diff b/w drug/real buds.
Follow your dreams And remember, If you can dream it, you can be it!

 

[Tribal Hybridz]

i couldnt tell if you were lecturung me or educating yourself, either way, i needed to hear it. thats funny bout the sugarcoating, i used to call it translucent kandyglass; stoned pipe dreams neva leaving the couch, that is so freakin true.you know, even after i got up and went out in the world, moved into a new city, tryed new walks of life, made alot of money even, i could neva aquire that happiness i get from simpily bein a toker. i realized one day i might stop,i did it before for money, i did it again for probation. maybe the next time is for a girl(ha,ha..for real now) but the dreams i hold in stonedbliss tranceland, i write them down, because i always think i just dreamed half of my year plan for 2005 or somethin..ya know? just write little things down, because its tha little things that will become big ideas and plans and decisions in your life. Girl, i had to get off my pipe dreamin couch and put tha bowl down to write this for ya...so be careful chasin those dreams, dont drive faster than yo guardian angel can fly *Peace

 

[MiNiMoWs]

bliss, please re-email me!!! my junk folder ate your message.
xoxoxoxox.barbie
(sorry mods!)

 

[Butterfly]

I know exactly how you feel... I'm 24 and trying to convince myself to get out of the party rut and get on with my life... but it's really not that easy... mostly because I can't make a firm commitment to it. I too would like to go back to school. I've make half-assed applications to a bunch of places but I'm afraid of what will happen if I get in. I think going to school in a different city would be a good way to get out of this rut, but I'm afraid that I'll be way sketchier than everyone in my program and won't relate to anyone and then I'll drop out because it will be too weird. On the other hand, I'm afraid of staying in town to go to school because nothing will change...

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

wow...thanks for bringing this back up guys! today could not have been a better time to read these words. yes i must admit i'm in a bit of a cracked-out state again, yet all of last nights antics seem so meaningless and empty when compared to the brief, yet special morning i had meeting someone very dear at the airport. all the drugs and the cheesy hollywood people and hook-ups seem so futile, so worthless compared to the 30 minutes or so i spent with somone real....
[ 27 November 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

shameless damn bump for myself!
stumbled upon this in words while searching for something else...i sooo needed to hear myself speaking these words today. i've been going thru a bit of self doubt lately...thinking how much of a soulution chemical confidence/motivation could be...but i've never crossed those lines...reading this reminds me of why....
weekend plans: REMOTIVATE, CREATE, REST.

 

[harraser]

apply for CAL ARTS
don't just dream about it
fuck the outrageous tuition
you can get loans
if i spend a lifetime paying off a dream
at least i know my intentions were pure
i'm doing what i love
millions of dollars can't buy that

there is passion there
there is strength
and there is intent
i don't need all this
i am so much more
[ 22 February 2003: Message edited by: harraser ]

 

[bisKi]

pull yourself up
dust off
and get back on with your life
and

i don't need all this
i am so much more
just stop now...today.
change things
rearrange them
cultivate your light for once
instead of festering in your darkness
thank you

 

[rewiiired]

strange contradicton, but i do drugs to feel young and innocent again.
unjaded
starry-eyed
joyously unrestrained
I feel exactly the same way (especially towards MDMA.

what i need to do is dig deeper
it exists within
i know it
i feel it in that song on the radio
that achingly nostalgic whiff of love's baby soft
or the comfort of reminicing a long lost childhood friend
I like the recurring childhood/child motif here... I've had a bit of it in my life lately (yet again).

used to have power
used to have drive
ambition
discipline
motivation
in the last few years i seem to have lost myself in the external realms but have truly found myself on the inside...
it's been great but my life must go on
I 100% know how you feel.

YOU CAN TRULY ONLY SAVE YOURSELF
IF YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO SAVE YOU
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE SAVED
there is passion there
there is strength
and there is intent
i don't need all this
i am so much more
I'm going to end up quoting everything here, so to sum it up: as usual, you've got beautiful, strong and honest words. Keeping trying. Your obviosuly strong and all you need is you. You'll pull out of This...

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

wow! i woke up this saturday morning with silly insecurities in my head again. i've got a 3 hour meeting with some amazing people who are going to go(and hopefully take me)truly amazing places. the evil chemical confidence demons(which i have hidden away..untouched for some time) tormented my dreams last night.
"oh how we could make you shine today" they chanted. over and over again.
i needed to read these words again. i did not expect so many more encouraging replies. thank you to all of you(especially harraser) for playing an integral part in my slow but steady journy to finding true happiness/motivation within myself....
[ 22 February 2003: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]