forestman4
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2016
- Messages
- 236
This is a long post... And im trying to explain it the best I can...
I don't want anyone to read it.. I just want some place my thoughts can be saved.. For reasons i do not know of.
So I appreciate if you read it, but I don't want you too.
Divorced parents have an effect on their children. Whether the son ends up with the dad or the mom, the effect they have is emotional.
See, when a child from lets say a normal relationship [Mom and dad together] does something wrong, like say smokes or drinks, or maybe does drugs, he doesnt get blamed the sort of way a child in a divorced family does,
The automatic blame is "You wouldnt have done this if your mom was here, or your dad was here".
That has a terrible effect. And ive gone through this a million times...
Makes me loose confidence and makes me go insane... I just end up thinking if I am a bad person.
A child in a normal relationship does not go through this.
This emotional stage is more hurtful than a gunshot... or even death.
But this made me stronger.
I know I am not a bad person because society says I am.
Yea I smoke, I dont drink because of a promise I made a few years ago...
This mental illness that I have because of what my mom and dad have put me through, I end up crying all night thinking that I am a "Waste of air" or end up thinking I have aspergers syndrome [Which I know I don't, or I don't know, I may have...]
or think I am a mentally retarded person... Or look back at things that do not matter in life, like love, or kindness...
The realization is that, all I need is money to live, because this mental Illness that I actually do have.. can only be cured by things money can buy.. These things are not something anyone should buy, but I dont know what one would call this illness.. I am not crazy, but I tend to do wrong things and beat my self over one sentence.. "You would have been a much better person if you were with your dad.."
What did he do? Beat me and tried to sculpt me into something that I am not. What did my mom do? Tell me I am a bad person and I am a worthless person because of one small thing.. The thing I do, am I the only person in the world who did it? No, millions do it, but this pressure that is put on me, to prove my self to be the most amazing human on earth, pure.
See, I have values, that I take dearly, I love very deeply, and hate to see someone become hurt. I help everyone I see get hurt but no one is there to help me when I get hurt from this illness..
I dont know if any psychologist can cure this, because they cant... Hell even I don't understand what goes on in my head..
All that happens to me now, only makes me stronger.. and stronger.. it also makes my thirst for money become too high... and I will let that thirst consume me..
See the only thing that has kept me sane is tramadol, And im not an addict. I use it maybe 6 times a month..
But tramadol replaces this lost love..
People never understood me... I have a lot of money but always scared of loosing the one thing that I have... Money..
My grandfather was very wealthy and gave me a significant portion of his wealth when he passed away... and i have made it bigger..
But this money is what keeps me from commiting suicide or going mental.. it buys me tramadol.. its cheap, hell i could buy tonnes of it if I wanted to.
I have loved a person so deep, more deep than anyone can possibly love, and even though this love is not possible, this deepness stops me from loving someone else..
I thought this one person, this girl can.. you know I never expected anything from her... I just wanted to love..
Then someone told her I was mentally retarded, the worst person alive, and I will physically hurt her.
I would rather die then see her cry. This person who told her this is now her current "boyfriend". And I don't know... I never tried to to tell her I would not hurt her and what he said was false because I take drugs, and my parents have mentally hurt me into thinking that I am the worst human being on this planet because I take drugs.. Am I?
I will never know. But I wont contact her because I believe this person [her current boy friend] will take care of her much better than I ever could...
So yeah, tramadol substitutes my need for love. Nicotine substitutes my need to feel sane..
I am a waste of air... I have alot of money that someone else could use better than me, and ALL i do is take drugs.
No psychologist understood me..
No one did. Not a single person...
At least Tramadol understands I need to be loved and loves me.
Am I mentally unstable?
Should I die?
Am I a monster who would hurt any woman I love?
Am I a waste of air?
Am I a failure?
These questions kill me while I am alive, and kill me every day.
My grandfather loved me, and took care of me, hell, he takes care of me even when he isnt there by providing the seed money I needed to make more money..
I don't know why im such a coward to commit suicide.. I just feel like I shouldn't waste the life god gave me, even if this life is the life of a very low person.
I cut my self off from people because all they have done is hurt me.. Asked me the questions and gave me a mental illness.
I don't know what youd call this illness, but its cut so deep, no doctor will ever cure me..
Only drugs can.. Only Tramadol.
I have been cursed by loving one person so much, that that love just continues even though its impossible.
I am 18, And I have another 50 years to live like this.
I know I have the money to live... but this money can only buy artificial things..
Hell, I couldn't have sex with a hooker because I valued love too much..
I love god, and tramadol.. Because they are the only things which understood me. And were there for me.
For all the people who look down on drugs, All I have to say is one thing, You turned a person like me in to what I am, You have no rights to take the only thing that keeps me sane away from me just because you can bully me even more..
I am the biggest coward and low life alive aren't I? I know I am...
I seal my self in a room all day, shut myself from people..
And I race motorcycles.. I ride so fast that ill probably die if I get into an accident, but god wont give me that too. He wont give me an accident.
He has given me accidents that didnt kill me, but made me suffer in pain..
Motorcycling, Tramadol, Nicotine, and lots of money. All that I ever have.
At this point, who ever "loves" me would only love me for my money.
Another 50 years.. 50 years like this.
I love tramadol because it gave me love..
I know I probably wrote this like a psychopath.. I probably am... But hey, judge me all you want.
I know what I am.. A low life and a monster. And a coward..
I don't want anyone to read it.. I just want some place my thoughts can be saved.. For reasons i do not know of.
So I appreciate if you read it, but I don't want you too.
Divorced parents have an effect on their children. Whether the son ends up with the dad or the mom, the effect they have is emotional.
See, when a child from lets say a normal relationship [Mom and dad together] does something wrong, like say smokes or drinks, or maybe does drugs, he doesnt get blamed the sort of way a child in a divorced family does,
The automatic blame is "You wouldnt have done this if your mom was here, or your dad was here".
That has a terrible effect. And ive gone through this a million times...
Makes me loose confidence and makes me go insane... I just end up thinking if I am a bad person.
A child in a normal relationship does not go through this.
This emotional stage is more hurtful than a gunshot... or even death.
But this made me stronger.
I know I am not a bad person because society says I am.
Yea I smoke, I dont drink because of a promise I made a few years ago...
This mental illness that I have because of what my mom and dad have put me through, I end up crying all night thinking that I am a "Waste of air" or end up thinking I have aspergers syndrome [Which I know I don't, or I don't know, I may have...]
or think I am a mentally retarded person... Or look back at things that do not matter in life, like love, or kindness...
The realization is that, all I need is money to live, because this mental Illness that I actually do have.. can only be cured by things money can buy.. These things are not something anyone should buy, but I dont know what one would call this illness.. I am not crazy, but I tend to do wrong things and beat my self over one sentence.. "You would have been a much better person if you were with your dad.."
What did he do? Beat me and tried to sculpt me into something that I am not. What did my mom do? Tell me I am a bad person and I am a worthless person because of one small thing.. The thing I do, am I the only person in the world who did it? No, millions do it, but this pressure that is put on me, to prove my self to be the most amazing human on earth, pure.
See, I have values, that I take dearly, I love very deeply, and hate to see someone become hurt. I help everyone I see get hurt but no one is there to help me when I get hurt from this illness..
I dont know if any psychologist can cure this, because they cant... Hell even I don't understand what goes on in my head..
All that happens to me now, only makes me stronger.. and stronger.. it also makes my thirst for money become too high... and I will let that thirst consume me..
See the only thing that has kept me sane is tramadol, And im not an addict. I use it maybe 6 times a month..
But tramadol replaces this lost love..
People never understood me... I have a lot of money but always scared of loosing the one thing that I have... Money..
My grandfather was very wealthy and gave me a significant portion of his wealth when he passed away... and i have made it bigger..
But this money is what keeps me from commiting suicide or going mental.. it buys me tramadol.. its cheap, hell i could buy tonnes of it if I wanted to.
I have loved a person so deep, more deep than anyone can possibly love, and even though this love is not possible, this deepness stops me from loving someone else..
I thought this one person, this girl can.. you know I never expected anything from her... I just wanted to love..
Then someone told her I was mentally retarded, the worst person alive, and I will physically hurt her.
I would rather die then see her cry. This person who told her this is now her current "boyfriend". And I don't know... I never tried to to tell her I would not hurt her and what he said was false because I take drugs, and my parents have mentally hurt me into thinking that I am the worst human being on this planet because I take drugs.. Am I?
I will never know. But I wont contact her because I believe this person [her current boy friend] will take care of her much better than I ever could...
So yeah, tramadol substitutes my need for love. Nicotine substitutes my need to feel sane..
I am a waste of air... I have alot of money that someone else could use better than me, and ALL i do is take drugs.
No psychologist understood me..
No one did. Not a single person...
At least Tramadol understands I need to be loved and loves me.
Am I mentally unstable?
Should I die?
Am I a monster who would hurt any woman I love?
Am I a waste of air?
Am I a failure?
These questions kill me while I am alive, and kill me every day.
My grandfather loved me, and took care of me, hell, he takes care of me even when he isnt there by providing the seed money I needed to make more money..
I don't know why im such a coward to commit suicide.. I just feel like I shouldn't waste the life god gave me, even if this life is the life of a very low person.
I cut my self off from people because all they have done is hurt me.. Asked me the questions and gave me a mental illness.
I don't know what youd call this illness, but its cut so deep, no doctor will ever cure me..
Only drugs can.. Only Tramadol.
I have been cursed by loving one person so much, that that love just continues even though its impossible.
I am 18, And I have another 50 years to live like this.
I know I have the money to live... but this money can only buy artificial things..
Hell, I couldn't have sex with a hooker because I valued love too much..
I love god, and tramadol.. Because they are the only things which understood me. And were there for me.
For all the people who look down on drugs, All I have to say is one thing, You turned a person like me in to what I am, You have no rights to take the only thing that keeps me sane away from me just because you can bully me even more..
I am the biggest coward and low life alive aren't I? I know I am...
I seal my self in a room all day, shut myself from people..
And I race motorcycles.. I ride so fast that ill probably die if I get into an accident, but god wont give me that too. He wont give me an accident.
He has given me accidents that didnt kill me, but made me suffer in pain..
Motorcycling, Tramadol, Nicotine, and lots of money. All that I ever have.
At this point, who ever "loves" me would only love me for my money.
Another 50 years.. 50 years like this.
I love tramadol because it gave me love..
I know I probably wrote this like a psychopath.. I probably am... But hey, judge me all you want.
I know what I am.. A low life and a monster. And a coward..