What Do You Do...

When you have no more options? Drugs don’t numb the pain? Suicide is just stupid and wouldn’t help anyway? You can’t go to the psych ward because that would make things worse…you can’t run away, you have responsibilities/kids/family/pets, whatever and you can’t/don’t want to leave because the thought alone sends you into hysterics but the thought of staying makes you want to throw up because everything you do just…feels like a goddamn failure?

Everything you fucking touch? Every word you say? Everything you’re saying and doing is fucking WRONG? You’re letting everyone down including yourself?

What do you do? The only thing you can: you sit in your pain. Like an ever-turning wheel, what goes down will go up again. When you are happy, you will be sad again…but when you are sad, if you wait, you will be happy again. This sounds like the shittiest advice when you feel like ripping the skin off your face but if you’re trapped in a corner with nowhere to go, the only thing to do is wait and it will pass.

It’s called grieving and it fucking sucks. I’m grieving. Yeah, I’m writing about fighting to make this year amazing but every day is pain. I’ve been battling Disability since 2013. I even got an attorney and the judge just laughed at me. I KNOW there is something wrong with my thyroid but the doctors keep saying, test after test, normal, normal, normal.

I went online to my insurance portal to find an eye doctor. My med records were there so I decided it would be a good idea to look. There was a diagnosis from my PCP: thyroid disorder. Date? 2012.

Oh, yeah….and a fucking "mini-stroke" no one decided I should know about.

 

I've staid at many a shelter, and around the first of the month it's empty. sure you know why, around the end of the month it's full again.except someone doesn't make it back. they die. i hear the news because theres a death board at the place i'm at now, and im like damn, i bumd that guy a cigarette.

if you look at it from 'the god of your understandings' view, then maybe just maybe he/she wants you do go through something before your disability happens. i could be wrong, maybe the judge is just a douche bag. you seem like you like to think about theres a reason behind everything.

have you helped anyone today?

 

I've staid at many a shelter, and around the first of the month it's empty. sure you know why, around the end of the month it's full again.except someone doesn't make it back. they die. i hear the news because theres a death board at the place i'm at now, and im like damn, i bumd that guy a cigarette.

if you look at it from 'the god of your understandings' view, then maybe just maybe he/she wants you do go through something before your disability happens. i could be wrong, maybe the judge is just a douche bag. you seem like you like to think about theres a reason behind everything.

have you helped anyone today?

D,


I have my good days and my bad days. I think that judge is a douche bag. For my part, I have been through enough. I'm not Job. I don't know how much more I can take, frankly, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't kill myself - my kids don't deserve that. I can't bail on them to a psych ward; as much as I love my weak, pain-in-the-ass husband, he just wouldn't be able to handle even a weekend on his own with the kids (I don't like the term "step-anything" so I avoid it as much as possible. In our case, he's known our girls since the elder was around nine and the younger was about two and our older son since before he existed. [I guess Our Story will require its own entry at some point…]) - bless his heart (corny to say, I know), but despite his best efforts, he is a shit parent.

As for "the god of my understandings," ugh. I’m not sure what I expressed in this post to convey any sort of Divinity, and I’ve seen a heart-shattering amount of meaningless misery to give me pause. That said, I am an ordained interfaith minister so I struggle to find meaning and reason where there well may be none and regularly come up empty handed but I was once told I was on the "wrong side of the tapestry" to attempt to find any order or sense.

Do I like to think there’s a reason behind everything? No. Do I need to think there’s a reason behind everything? It does make the tragedies easier to bear. Shootings like Sandy Hook and Columbine, the nightclub in Orlando or simpler matters like my best friend’s charitable dad dying of a cancer which ate him alive while my prick father lives on no matter what’s thrown at him…if I pretend Indra’s web holds all of this together in some glittery order of sparkling incomprehensible reason, I’m less likely to join the Professionally Batty and exterminate a portion of the population, whether for their good or mine.

If we just worry about the big picture, we are powerless. So my secret is to start right away doing whatever little work I can do. I try to give joy to one person in the morning, and remove the suffering of one person in the afternoon. That is the secret. Start right now.
~Sister Chän Khöng

So, have I helped anyone today…did I help you?