What do you do with guilt?

[herbavore]

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with guilt. At my son’s memorial the first words I spoke were about guilt—about how useless and pointless an emotion it was. I was directing it at his friends, his best friend, and his brother. All I could think about was how they might feel terrible forever about introducing him to drugs, giving him drugs, abandoning him when his addiction got so out of control, and even perhaps providing the dose that killed him. I wanted them to live, to learn from Caleb but to survive and flourish themselves, not be crippled by guilt. I was also directing it at my husband who I knew would turn his grief inward and try to shoulder the blame himself. I was so intent on combating this destructive force for them that I was completely blindsided when it came hunting for me.

Once again I have to concede that the rational is often no match for the emotional.
So now that it is my turn to see the world the way guilt paints it, I am completely humbled by the vision.

Here is the vision for me: My son lost his life because I failed him as a mother. I failed to equip him with the internal tools he would need to face the pain in life. I failed to protect him from the pain in life. I failed to do what every parent is charged with doing: protecting my child.

Even when I write all that nonsense I am simultaneously typing the rebuttal in my head!
I don’t need reassurance because I get that everywhere I turn. I am not ungrateful; I really do appreciate that support and all the caring empathy behind it. It’s just that I still have these feelings and I know it is only going to be my own hard work that banishes them (or teaches me how to live with them?)

I posted this because I see a lot of other people here suffering from guilt: guilt about addiction, guilt about who they are, or aren’t or what they haven’t achieved. Guilt about failure finds many soft spots!

So my hope is to elicit responses on how you deal with guilt. What is most effective for you? The Buddhist way is to welcome all negative emotions as life’s greatest teachers. What does guilt teach ?

Mods, I have no idea if this is better off a blog or a TDS thread.

 

[Tommyboy]

Two years ago my friend moved back home. I was one of his only friends that didn't abandon him due to his heroin use. He had called me a few nights before moving back, and told me he was using, and that he wanted to get high with me one last time, since I was his best friends. I told him that the dope I was getting was a small count, but I would get it for him. So sure enough he shows up, we get it, and he is disappointed with it. He ended up moving into a half-way house (only way his parent would support him financially), and calling me a few days later telling me that he just got a job and paid, got a different connect, and would buy a bag for me since I had bought the last one for me.

A couple of hours later he got to my house, eyes pinned, but not bad at all for him. He gave me my bag, and I could tell right away that this stuff was gonna be really strong, so I decided to sniff it instead of trying to IV for the first time. We caught up for an hour or so, had some laughs, and a really nice goodbye. I knew he had a few more bags on him, so when he drove off, I watched to make sure he went to the main road to go back to the halfway-house instead of pulling over to shoot up. Everything seemed fine, but I had to call him an hour later to make sure he got into the house fine, considering they might kick him out if he was high. I made the call, it went to voicemail, and I knew right away that he was dead. I had even called my friend and said that, but forgot until I called her 2 days later telling her the news, and when she guessed the name (she didn't know him) and I asked how she knew, she told me I had told her I though he died.

I officially got the news two days later, and I went into full blown panic attacks. Did anyone find his phone and see the texts I sent asking about the heroin, or if he needed me to get him a clean needle (he was using used ones)? Was his mom going to slap me across the face when I walked into the wake? The answer to the second question was no, but I have no idea about the first.

So how did I deal with feeling guilty about getting him dope when he first got back home, which led to him getting more bags and fatally overdosing?

I guess I still feel like it isn't real, and don't try to think about it. I never sat there and really thought about who he really was when he was doing good. I think I had already though he was gone before he died, since he really was in a darker place. I went away to school a few months after his death, so I didn't really think of it much. I guess that I always figured that I would take this to the grave with me since this story can't really be told in the real world. I haven't been religious in a long time, but for some reason I have always had faith that I would see him again, and whenever I picture him he has bright heavenly lights beside him. I guess that is the main thing that helps me with the guilt. I know that he is not mad at me for this, and that he cared for my company, and that is really all that I can ask for.

 

[herbavore]

Thank you for posting that, Tommy (my Dad's name BTW). I always hope that Caleb's friends will know that Caleb died doing what he chose to do; that even if one of them did give him the morphine it was a fluke that it was that particular OD that killed him (there had been others). Caleb knew what he was doing and he knew all the dangers. I usually don't dwell on the drugs that killed Caleb. I think about the despair. I know about despair and I know that neither his friends nor his family could do much more than temporarily distract him from it. I guess that's the message that I wanted to give his friends and the one that I try (and currently fail ) to give to myself.

I know what you mean about thinking you would take it to your grave. I have found that never keeping anything secret has consistently had a better outcome than keeping something secret. For one thing the negative voice inside you has far less ammunition when whatever it is is already out in the open. One of my neighbors once wrote a paper for a college English class about being purposely mean and bullying to a girl at her high school. She was so mean that the victim became suicidal and had to move. After she wrote the paper, which was the first time she had admitted any of it, her whole personality just continued to open up. It was an inspiring transformation. Just one more anecdote to back me up here I work in a grade school and the often ridiculous and always judgmental rhetoric that gets spun about drugs and drug usage not to mention the blame laid on the parents of drug users, finally got to me one day. I had been saying not much or being very vague because I had been afraid of losing my job. I think I finally realized that my fear was adding to the ignorance rather than combating it and so I began to share everything that was going on with my family. It was very liberating. I guess my point is, secrets often equal shame and shame is always harmful no matter how deep you bury it. You are really so right that he cared about your company and trusted you and I hope you can take both comfort and even some pride in that. Also, the one certainty I have is that your friends pain and my son's pain is over.

As far as the religious thing goes, it sounds like a comforting image that you have. The day after my son died, my other son lay in his bed crying and thinking. He said that he had always wondered if his view of life and death would change out of necessity when someone he really loved died. We are a very non-religious family. When pressed, each of us individually believes in a soul but what that is or means we have no idea. Caleb had a beautiful way of putting it which was: Of course there is "eternal life" in some vague way. Energy becomes matter. We are matter, however briefly, and as matter dies it creates energy, so there you go. (I'm completely paraphrasing here.) Anyway, I still see Caleb in my mind and he is always back-lit which I find interesting and also very beautiful.

Again, thank you for sharing this.

(Since you have already said that you are not religious I am going to veer off into levity for a moment and let you in on a joke that Caleb and I shared that saved us from many an impasse in our fights over drugs: one or the other of us would say well I (you) may be an addict but that's better than being a Mormon! This never failed to crack us up and it is one of my favorite memories. I hope it is not insulting to you in any way.)

 

[Tommyboy]

My username is actually what he would call me when he answered my phone call. I found Bluelight when searching to see if the heroin stamp that had killed him was mentioned on the internet. After lurking for a bit, I decided it would only be right to use this username since it was really because of him that I found this website.

I'm not offended by any religious jokes at all, so no worries there. Also, I am thinking of keeping this thread in here for a few days before moving it to TDS. My reasoning is that I think it will be interesting to see what people that randomly stumble across this thread have to say on the topic, as opposed to TDS regulars that are expecting this type of subject matter..... Kind of like getting an outside view on the topic, or maybe someone else will open up without expecting to, just as I did here. Is that o.k?

 

[herbavore]

Sure, that's why I wondered if in fact it was better as a blog. TDS is my family at this point so I almost feel that no one there could resist just trying to make me feel better and mostly I am genuinely interested in how others deal with very painful guilt.

 

[Amelya]

Both your your stories really hit home with me. Thanks for sharing. I live in silent guilt. I spend a lot of energy avoiding the experience. I'm share one thing that I was trying to avoid right before logging in here and taking my valium. I take prescribed valium because of extreme anxiety. I don't tell many people mainly because I don't want the calls asking for some. anyway, my cousin knew. She came to my house wired as hell saying she had been on a meth bing and hadn't slept in 6 days. she gave me the whole spiel about it being the last time. She had chosen a rehab and was checking in monday. She was telling the truth because she showed me the FMLA papers for time approved off work for the treatment. I truly believe she had every intention of going. she asked me for some valium so she could sleep

 

[Amelya]

Sorry, I'm on phone and something keeps going wrong here. Long story short. She left my house with 8 10mg valium. She wanted to sleep so she could spend time with her daughter that weekend before entering treatment. I got a call the next afternoon from my aunt saying she found her dead in bed when she brought her daughter to her. I believe she was serious about treatment and I know she was looking forward to being with her daughter. I always wonder if the valium was completely to blame. I read posts saying 80 to 100mg of valium is nothing to a person with high tolerance. Not true!

 

[Dave]

I agree with TommyBoy that this would be well suited for TDS. I've a lot more to say on the subject, but I'm not in the right mindframe to lay it out just now. Just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories, and promise to add my bit tomorrow.

 

[muvolution]

I get pangs of guilt ever now and then, but the only way to keep them at bay is to work your ass off to ensure it doesn't happen again. that you change the circumstances. that is the main reason I moderate here.

Guilt over what?

Being an Injection Drug User.
Letting down my girlfriend, my family, my friends.
Introducing numerous people to drugs, although never inciting them to do them.

The worst is that I basically feel like circumstances I created pushed my best friend to have a non-fatal OD that just as surely ended his life as he knew it as if he had died. That is the hardest, and freshest problem to deal with.


You can't dwell on it... it's the past. No matter what happened, you always have a chance to change.

 

[Tommyboy]

I think it's time to move this thread.

Homeless --> TDS

 

[ocean]

Wow.
First of all, this thread is incredible.
herabvore and TB, thank you for sharing your stories.
I clicked here b/c guilt has always been my life long enemy.
I've been manipulated and made to feel guilty by everyone I've loved..... I feel guilt over things that have nothing to do with me.
In therapy, it was my main focus.
Guilt, as herbavore said, is a wasted emotion......Though it is so powerful it can consume you.
I really would like to say more on this, but I will have to come back to it.
I think this is a STRONG and valuable thread here in TDS. I'm happy to see it here.

 

[Beachcat]

Wow, thanks for posting this on here, Herbavore. I have noticed your postings, but did not know your story. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious son.

I, too, tell everyone that guilt is a wasted emotion. However, I feel guilt all the time because I am a mom with chronic pain, and all the narcotics that come with it. I feel so guilty for the days in bed and my little girl is so sweet. The only thing I cling to is that my pastor said that children who have parents with chronic pain issues often grow up to be much more empathetic to those around them and often become nurses or doctors. I just try to be the best mom I can be and try to get my daughter to know that she is safe with me, she can tell me anything, I will always be there for her the most I can be..... Still, guilt sucks!

 

[herbavore]

Thanks Ocean and Beachcat, I thought maybe it was going to die a quiet little thread death.

What I am hoping that we can help each other with are strategies for learning what we need to learn from guilt and then moving on. It's not that I think it is wrong to feel remorse or regret for things we wish we had handled differently, but how do we not stay stuck until it becomes self-loathing. (And here on TDS we all know the brute strength of that force in our lives.)

 

[Alex000]

I don't believe in guilt personally, in that it shouldn't have a place. What's done is done. You can't change the past, so enjoy the present by letting yourself of the hook.

 

[mebalzitch]

guilt...
no details here. i will just say that i facilitated the death of my best friend. Sure, his choices, but I made the options available.
so how do I deal with it? i crush it up into a tight little package, and find a place where i can carry it without too much trouble. every once in a while it gets too heavy, too big, so i take it out and swim in it a while, splash around a bit, hope i knock enough out to get it back down to size where i can bear it again. it will never go away.

 

[herbavore]

You know, that is in fact probably the healthiest thing we can do (and beautifully articulated BTW).

 

[effie]

I feel a lot of guilt herbavore.. you know why

Why was I not a better girlfriend? Why didn't I try harder? Why did I fight with Dave? Why wasn't I with him when it happened?

I wrote you a long pm on the subject, but tonight the answer escapes me.

I hope we can all realise we have nothing to feel guilty for though. We loved those we lost and we tried our best. We are not superhuman. We could have done no more than we did, at that precise point in time, and we weren't to know what awful event was around the corner.. If we could bring back the people we lost, we would in a heartbeat, no matter the personal cost to ourselves... and that speaks volumes

Guilt is the most destrictive and pointless and cruel emotions, and out of everything I feel since Dave's death, it is the one that eats away at my very core.

That is all I know about guilt right now

Herbavore.. so much to you, I wish I could take away your pain.. Tommyboy, Amelya, muvolution, Ocean, beachcat, thank you so much for sharing.. mebalzitch, I think you are right. I don't think that about many emotions, but it seems the only practical way with guilt.. I'll get on with the bereavement thread in the week, btw. to you all.

 

[Asclepius]

Herb, I think guilt in moderation can serve as a very humbling and life awakening thing.

None of us get to fulfill our desires completely(even the ethical ones). I think it serves as a 'moral' compass not to enable us to feel bad about ourselves but to accept ourselves as we are- human, fallible and eager to do the 'right' thing(whatever it may be) but not always able because in doing so we would sometimes obstruct nature's dynamic(and how it reacts with things it cant integrate too-whatever they are) and power-which has its own dynamic.
I guess, in essence, we realize that it is a companion; a pat on the shoulder that tells us we really dont have control over life, but if anything, guilt serves to remind us not to feel personally guilty(ironic but if we indulge it burdens us and we get haunted by it-it seems to need to be respected and listened to for it's message and not the label we assign to it), the way things should be/could be maybe may be a projection of what may change in the future- it might ignite energy in us to put another dynamic in place that will change something for the better because we felt that need out of 'guilt'(once we respect the gentle message/lesson of its essence and not be afraid).
I know I have always dreaded it but after the initial fear subsided and I assimilated it(over time)- it became a kind of wisdom...a benign, kind force...
I dunno, this reply is very subjective but it rings true for me, so...

Much love to ya darlin...you are a remarkable one.

 

[secret_lurker]

herbavore, I completely agree that the best or maybe the only proper way to deal with guilt is to learn from the situation which caused it. You cannot bring back your son, nor can you change your past behaviors (or lack thereof), which you feel may have played a part in your son's unfortunate passing.

While I don't know the circumstances of your son's death, from what I can see, there was nothing which indicates that perhaps your son would not have ended different had you done all the right things. Addiction is a game of chance, especially with certain drugs. Your son having not made it to present day may have been entirely something beyond your control.

I also lost a VERY close family member to drugs (opiate OD). To me, the idea of said person being gone is so unimaginable that I cannot really put it in any proper context. I know I tried helping. But I also know I could have done more. Hindsight 20/20 vision, as they say.

But you know what? You are already doing the right thing. You are here, helping others with comparable problems. You participated in my recent thread (more like a cry for attention) with such rare sincerity. I was taken aback. You have more compassion for a complete strange than the majority of people, anywhere.

As far as coping goes, the only thing I can say is to remember the positive attributes and memories of your son, Caleb. Celebrate the person he was at the core, not what drugs had turned him into.

Stay strong, herbavore.

 

[herbavore]

I guess, in essence, we realize that it is a companion; a pat on the shoulder that tells us we really dont have control over life,

Thank you.That is a very good reminder. I think that one of the central struggles of parenthood is the immediate feeling of total responsibility that happens (sensibly) at the birth but turns into something not so sensible as we continue to believe that we can control outcomes in another person's life, albeit our child. Yes, I totally think that thinking about control is a good path to wander down.

While I don't know the circumstances of your son's death, from what I can see, there was nothing which indicates that perhaps your son would not have ended different had you done all the right things. Addiction is a game of chance, especially with certain drugs. Your son having not made it to present day may have been entirely something beyond your control.

Yes, an irony in this is that the one person that I know would take full responsibility for an overdose is Caleb himself. He was a very open and honest addict! He often talked about the risks of what he was doing.

Ascleplus and Secret, thank you both for your kind words. Secret, I am sorry for your loss as well.