what do you do when you start to feel like you cant live with yourself any more

[TVcommercial]

Im 20 years old, within the past year and 5 months Ive developed a lot I found, or at least developed aspirations. I had an amazing girlfriend, we had our fights, but i figured things werent that bad, eventually I built up the whole fantasy of marrying her and having careers and an amazing life.


you can predict where this is going. things went to shit between us, long story short, she was doing things that made me feel very small and shitty, then one day I lost it and I fucking blew up on everybody. Dumped my girlfriend, got myself kicked out of my moms house, I had an apartment with my girlfriend but the lease had just expired and i obviously couldnt have went back.

Then on the night when my girlfriend was dropping off some of my shit at my moms place my mother's 60 year old boyfriend felt up my girlfriends tits and ass and tried to pay her for sex. I found this out, took a bunch of mdma, stayed awake for 50 hours going over how fucked I was, the next day we got him arrested and charged for sexual assault.


Uhhh, so during that time I had ditched the two people that cared about me most and was crashing at a friends place, did a bunch of drugs, then college started. Im taking Construction Engineering. I am a very capable student, but its hard as fuck.. and its 3 years long and lots of money. Thing is I cant sit through a 3 hour class without dwelling on how much i want to kill myself.


A week or so passes, and I start to miss my fucking ex girlfriend already, realize how i could have treated her a lot fucking better and how i should have held on to those dreams. Well, I talk to her and ask if she still wants to be friends. She gets pissed off and says she has a boyfriend. I feel like shit but we keep talking, then she starts to hint that she might have made up the boyfriend thing. I get excited and we make plans to see each other this weekend. She wont tell me straight up though if she was lying about him or not.

lookinhg forward to seeing her and being friends made me so excited that i wasnt depressed anymore. we chatted for a couple days, then today i pissed her off and she said to me that the boyfriend thing wasnt a lie and that she was going to surprise me on saturday just to fuck with me, but now nshe doesnt even want to see me to do that.



i still crash at my friends place. money is dwindling, im at school for too many hours to work to support myself...

i fucked up and i hate myself

etc


what t he fuck

 

[AfterGlow]

we all fuck up at some time or another. you have to learn from your mistakes and move on. if you cant live with yourself, don't end your life. change who you are so you will like living with yourself.

 

[TVcommercial]

we all fuck up at some time or another. you have to learn from your mistakes and move on. if you cant live with yourself, don't end your life. change who you are so you will like living with yourself.

Deep down I know these things, but the thought of how challenging it would be to just do them.. it frightens and cripples me

 

[Asclepius]

I know how you feel TV...fucked up alot of my own relationships!
You have to draw a line though after what you did, it wont get rid of the guilt but you deserve to learn and move on from it. You will be of no use to Anyone or Yourself if you cant forgive yourself for Mistakes. Your Girlfriends hurt and Angry but you have to let her know that
your sorry for what you did but whats done is done-You regret it but you cant change the past and you need space to get your shit together. Let her come to you if and when she's good and ready and when your good and ready.
I know you run the risk of losing her, but it sounds like she will just be playing mind games with you cause shes looking to justify her own anger and hurt. This kinda game playing does not a content and stable relationship make. You dont need that , and no matter what happened in your relationship your not solely responsible, she belittled you too remember!? Being constantly tested and blamed when you have to focus on other responsibilities is a clod of shit that you do not need heaped on your plate right now, you need to feel alright about yourself to move the cogs in your life forward, otherwise everything will suffer.
......And when I feel things are crippling me, (know it sounds corny but...) I try to remember that line from 'Adaptation' :

'Whittle it down...'

-Make a concious decision to deal with elements that are managable at any given time, and leave the rest for when yor ready.

Oh and well done for getting that old perv arrested!

 

[TVcommercial]

thank you

 

[Asclepius]

^Welcome!

 

[Depressicaa]

Do you think this belongs more in SLR? It seems that you're pretty stable aren't you?

Anyways the boyfriend thing seems quite odd. I hope you don't really kill yourself, it sounds like you have a lot to offer the world! Engineering is no small feat, and I'm sure that you can find someone else eventually or you two will return to the state you were in before.

Best of luck to you, suicidal thoughts always go through my head, but go where you're headed. Its not a fix, its the end we all have to eventually get to, but before then, don't you want to have fun?

My grade school friend and I used to joke about suicide and how our lives sucked. What kept us going? He said he would miss playing Halo and I would miss jacking off. Times have changed but I'm sure you have lots of things you would miss still were you to end your life. So please don't! Carry on, and let this experience shape you for the better.