What do you do to stay in recovery?

[JessFR]

I'm thinking of starting my own HR recovery group for people who have decided to moderate, though when I went to SMART and refuge/dharma they seemed way less judgemental than the Aa/na cult

To stay in recovery, sometimes I pop Xanax, chug beer, and snort bromo-mescaline. Na doesn't jive. But it keeps me off the crack, heroin, and meth.

I dunno if recovery and moderation are really compatible. Moderation with drugs you don't have a tendency towards addiction to is.

If I didn't have something like methadone I wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell of being able to be moderate with heroin. It really is all or nothing.

The fellowships do have their culty aspects I agree, but they have their positive aspects too.

 

[burn out]

I just think about what withdrawal feels like. I got to the point where heroin was no longer enjoyable, it just gave me a bit of euphoria for 5 minutes after a shot and then I would just feel sedated and wanting more but I'd have to wait at least 8 hours before I could really feel another shot (after doing a few) and so I'd spend the majority of the time just feeling sedated, depressed and wanting more. Stopping, makes you feel even worse. So if I ever think about doing heroin or any opiate these days, which I rarely do, I just think about the inevitable come down and withdrawal and I go "oh, that's why I don't use anymore".

I wish I could say I found Jesus, or found my serenity through the 12 steps or something like that but the truth is the drugs just stopped working or else I'd probably still be using them.

If they haven't stopped working yet for you it's more difficult, but I still imagine you can relate to the high getting less over time the withdrawal getting worse. The more you use, the more you go down a road that simply doesn't lead to a good place in the long term. If you go on heroin it's not like you can expect your life to be better 3 years from now, it's almost certainly going to be worse. Just keep that in mind.

 

[JessFR]

While there were certainly times heroin just made me feel normal after the rush of shooting it wore off.

I can't honestly say I ever stopped loving it. I love my shot, I loved the euphoria of knowing we had enough money to get it. The euphoria of knowing the dealer was away. When he finally showed up, when the show was finally mixed up and ready to go.

And finally the rush of warm contendedness.

The withdrawals were torture, and we (me and my using partner/BF in the last year I was using daily) were sick soooo much of the time.

But you know, addiction has this way of causing you to remember the good times more than the bad. And there were good times. And I find I often think about them a lot more than the bad in spite of the bad being vastly more common.

 

[burn out]

For me, I think the tendency to remember the good more than the bad stems from the fact that my life is just so empty of good things. So I was willing to endure incredibly bad things just for the sake of having some good things to look forward to. Overall my life on heroin was better than my life is now, the problem is that it was neither practical nor sustainable. I also loved the feeling of having money to get some, the process of going to score and that wonderful feeling of being on your way home with it, the relief when you pull onto your street knowing the chances of you being pulled over are rapidly approaching zero and of course, the rush when you push down that little plunger. If I had to relive a year of my life and I had to choose between reliving a year during the prime of heroin usage or a year now, I'd choose the heroin year easily. But towards the end of my addiction everything just fell apart. I had no money, I didn't feel like working because I'd always be going through withdrawals. Even when I had heroin it would make me just want to lay on the couch and not go to work. I couldn't find a vein anymore which was so frustrating because unlike my buddy I used to do it with, I was not satisfied with IMing it. I had to find a vein even if it took an hour and I wasted the entire shot, which I did many times. It became very hard to find good dope, as I quit right around the time fentadope became popular. The aforementioned friend died from an OD on the fentadope. I lost the ability to make heroin last any length of time. I got so tired of being jerked around by dealers. It just became totally not worth it anymore. That's what usually happens with heroin addictions, everything just unravels toward the end and you end up hating the stuff.

 

[VerbalTruist]

I had to find fulfillment outside of substance abuse. That meant getting out of the relationship I was in, finding a profession that suited me, and both mentally and physically moving away from the people & places where I used. That's a very simplified version, but I work on it everyday. If that's talking to my sponsor, going to a meeting, journaling, seeing a therapist, talking with my wife (who pushed me in a big way to get clean) or a close friend, or doing all of those things... It took me 9 years to stop taking Bupe. That was 9 years of weekly counseling, talking with an addiction medicine doctor, and working a program even though there were times when it was really fucking hard and I straight up didn't want to do any of it.

When former friends started to die off or end up in prison, I started to realize that maybe I should be doing something different. Then when I met my spouse and she wouldn't date me because "You need to clean your life up before I'm willing to make a commitment like that." That was a big one for me. I suppose the fact that a lot of people told me that I had value... Caused me to take it seriously. Also, the fact that I got arrested 2 weeks before I got married because (and I said this to the cops at the time) "I needed to say goodbye to heroin." The resulting 2 years of mandated treatment really helped. Some combination of those things is what caused me to take it seriously. Over time, I have made it part of my daily routine. It takes a lot of time and work. Change doesn't happen overnight. I know that if I use again, I'll probably kill myself unintentionally. Life now, is a lot more worth it then life used to be.

 

[G_Chem]

I just think about what withdrawal feels like. I got to the point where heroin was no longer enjoyable, it just gave me a bit of euphoria for 5 minutes after a shot and then I would just feel sedated and wanting more but I'd have to wait at least 8 hours before I could really feel another shot (after doing a few) and so I'd spend the majority of the time just feeling sedated, depressed and wanting more. Stopping, makes you feel even worse. So if I ever think about doing heroin or any opiate these days, which I rarely do, I just think about the inevitable come down and withdrawal and I go "oh, that's why I don't use anymore".

I wish I could say I found Jesus, or found my serenity through the 12 steps or something like that but the truth is the drugs just stopped working or else I'd probably still be using them.

If they haven't stopped working yet for you it's more difficult, but I still imagine you can relate to the high getting less over time the withdrawal getting worse. The more you use, the more you go down a road that simply doesn't lead to a good place in the long term. If you go on heroin it's not like you can expect your life to be better 3 years from now, it's almost certainly going to be worse. Just keep that in mind.

This happened to me eventually too. The first shot after not having any for a bit was heaven as usual but it didn’t stay long, within an hour I just felt numb and not in a good way.

Even taking the benzoymorphine last winter after no full agonists for bout 10yrs and it didn’t scratch that itch.

I guess my time with opiates was limited...

One thing I wonder many years later. Alcohol abuse is supposed to sensitize people to opiates in a good way, before I was an alcoholic I didn’t like opiates. It wasn’t til I began drinking daily for years did they become likeable.

Then after becoming addicted I stopped drinking just cuz it’s heroin and you don’t want anything else. So maybe the alcohol is key? Not going down that road again to find out lol.

-GC

 

[bingey]

I go to meetings and lift weights

 

[Phoenix_03]

I used to always prefer OC’s back when I started using, when they were still actually OC’s. I got clean when I got pregnant, but relapsed briefly because well, life, and went to a methadone program. Stayed on a few years, but the tether it held on me was so annoying and eventually I stopped going. Not advisable, but I made it through somehow. I still wasn’t in the best of places mentally, so i’d still use whatever came my way, pills, crack, alcohol, ecstasy. Moving back to the state I grew up 6 years ago triggered a very deep sadness and i sought out something that really could have destroyed my life. I started shooting heroin and coke together a couple times which of course turned into a daily 4 month affair. I can’t take feeling sick and I was a parent trying to put on a show of normalcy which was extremely difficult when every cell in your body is screaming. I woke up one day and said i’m not doing this anymore, I’d rather get back on methadone and try to do something better with my life. So, 6 years later i’m in school finishing my bachelors degree and i work at a really good job with excellent benefits. I used for so long to numb alot of pain inside me from shit thats happened in my life, but its all in the past so why continue to drag myself down over things i cant change?

 

[n3ophy7e]

I used to always prefer OC’s back when I started using, when they were still actually OC’s. I got clean when I got pregnant, but relapsed briefly because well, life, and went to a methadone program. Stayed on a few years, but the tether it held on me was so annoying and eventually I stopped going. Not advisable, but I made it through somehow. I still wasn’t in the best of places mentally, so i’d still use whatever came my way, pills, crack, alcohol, ecstasy. Moving back to the state I grew up 6 years ago triggered a very deep sadness and i sought out something that really could have destroyed my life. I started shooting heroin and coke together a couple times which of course turned into a daily 4 month affair. I can’t take feeling sick and I was a parent trying to put on a show of normalcy which was extremely difficult when every cell in your body is screaming. I woke up one day and said i’m not doing this anymore, I’d rather get back on methadone and try to do something better with my life. So, 6 years later i’m in school finishing my bachelors degree and i work at a really good job with excellent benefits. I used for so long to numb alot of pain inside me from shit thats happened in my life, but its all in the past so why continue to drag myself down over things i cant change?

Good on you Blue. It's a really hard cycle to break, especially when you're in deep. You should be very proud of yourself girl. What are you studying?

 

[Phoenix_03]

Good on you Blue. It's a really hard cycle to break, especially when you're in deep. You should be very proud of yourself girl. What are you studying?

Thank you! It was rough for awhile, but luckily I had got out again before everything spiraled too far out of control. I’m majoring in pharmacology, but I’m not really interested in going the pharmacist route, more of the science and research side of things. I’ve always been fascinated with how different chemicals and medicines effect our brains, especially how one person can react completely different from the next.

 

[VerbalTruist]

@Blueberry_87 I know several opiate users who stopped dead cold when they got pregnant. That will power is something that I don't possess. It was always very inspiring to see. Relapsing, on the other hand, something I understand all to well. My wife has a PhD in Pharmacology and Toxicology, she loves the research. I don't know where you are in your studies, but I am sure that if you ever wanted to talk about the field, she would be happy to do that.

 

[VerbalTruist]

I go to meetings and lift weights

I was always envious of people who say some version of that. I desperately tried the hard exercise and rigorous meeting thing for about a year. There was a point where I remember thinking that I looked good physically, but generally felt like shit otherwise.

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

I lose myself in small distractions, stay out of situations that I know trigger certain behaviors and exercise, though I'm a bit flaky on that last one.
But it's easier this time than any of the other. I miss heroin and opium like you'd miss a fucking limb, but I'm equally disgusted by them.
I know that the next stop is the gutter or the grave should I fuck up again. Becoming an uncle also had a huge impact.

I'm still not sober, though. I smoke weed every now and then, the occasional LSD-trip and ketamine every other or third month.
Right now I'm 11 months clean from opiates and I've never managed this long before.

 

[Jabberwocky]

honestly i think for long term recovery you need to reframe drugs and what they mean to you. see them for what they are really.

i was still going through phases of romanticising heroin massively til last year when i had two short lapses. thankfully it didn't do what i wanted either time, and cos my opioid receptors are stll fucked i was ill for a week. it was heartbreaking at the time cos i'd always had the door left slightly open for it, in case of emergency, and i had to close it finally.

crack i was able to shut the door on early into rehab because it made my life so absolutely terrible. i didn't need much clarity to see how fucked up it was making me. tbh even before i got to rehab i was kinda relieved that i was gonna at least get a break from whoring myself out. by the time i got out of rehab i had no residual desire.

i did end up getting some last year on one of my lapses, had one decent pipe over the course of a week, and even though it exactly hit that spot i felt completely able to work through the compulsion to immediately get more.

now i am drinking too much and it is negatively affecting my recovery in many ways. i still consider myself to be in recovery though because i am working a decent job, giving myself in personal relatonships rather than just taking, and actually have interests beyond getting drugs into me right now.

 

[bingey]

I was always envious of people who say some version of that. I desperately tried the hard exercise and rigorous meeting thing for about a year. There was a point where I remember thinking that I looked good physically, but generally felt like shit otherwise.

Oh but I still feel like shit I guess... the exercise just makes my anxiety more bearable and the meetings give me hope for the future.
I hope one day I will feel good sober, perhaps not every day but most days would be good enough for me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

fuck me, just realised i am still full of shit. i still romanticise heroin in a way, i just recognise that its over for me. and i actually scored more of the decent crack the second i'd finished the first lot, but then i didn't score again. and again....

@bingey how far in are you? i found exercise and meetings hugely helpful early in and still do 2.5 years into recovery. i started to feel noticeably better from about 3 months. but then had a major dip at 6 months that made me realise i needed more therapy and medication to control my ptsd. i guess what i'm saying is if you're over the initial phase where your neurotransmitters are sorting themselves out, look at what is missing. cos you will be able to feel good if you keep putting the work in. its fucking hard but i promise its worth it.

 

[Phoenix_03]

@Blueberry_87 I know several opiate users who stopped dead cold when they got pregnant. That will power is something that I don't possess. It was always very inspiring to see. Relapsing, on the other hand, something I understand all to well. My wife has a PhD in Pharmacology and Toxicology, she loves the research. I don't know where you are in your studies, but I am sure that if you ever wanted to talk about the field, she would be happy to do that.

Honestly, I was lucky that I had went to stay with my dad in another state for about 8 months (not by choice) because that’s what stopped me from continuing to use more and more frequently. In that time while I was gone my best friend, boyfriend and many other kids my age moved from oxys to shooting heroin. Most of us were not even 18 yet. I moved back home, dabbled here and there with the boyfriend but he was so far gone I really had no desire to follow suit. The pregnancy happened then, so staying clean was easy until some shit went sideways and I mentally fell apart.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m going into my second year at school so I still have a ways to go. I would love to talk to someone who is in the field, if your wife is up to talking you(or her) can PM me anytime.

 

[Phoenix_03]

Oh but I still feel like shit I guess... the exercise just makes my anxiety more bearable and the meetings give me hope for the future.
I hope one day I will feel good sober, perhaps not every day but most days would be good enough for me.

I’ve never gotten much out of meetings and I have given them many a chance. AA, NA, CA, I think I will never be comfortable speaking about myself or my life in a room full of people. I also don’t like the groups that treat you like shit for being on some kind of maintenance treatment.

 

[JessFR]

I’ve never gotten much out of meetings and I have given them many a chance. AA, NA, CA, I think I will never be comfortable speaking about myself or my life in a room full of people. I also don’t like the groups that treat you like shit for being on some kind of maintenance treatment.

The later point in my experience is a bit variable.
Unfortunately it's probably just a reflection of regional specific attitudes.

But, if you're just not the kinda person that can share in a group, that's OK, I don't think it's uncommon to feel some anxiety though. I definitely did when I first went to meetings (I've gone on and off for various periods for at least the last decade).

Does get easier though.

 

[bingey]

fuck me, just realised i am still full of shit. i still romanticise heroin in a way, i just recognise that its over for me. and i actually scored more of the decent crack the second i'd finished the first lot, but then i didn't score again. and again....

@bingey how far in are you? i found exercise and meetings hugely helpful early in and still do 2.5 years into recovery. i started to feel noticeably better from about 3 months. but then had a major dip at 6 months that made me realise i needed more therapy and medication to control my ptsd. i guess what i'm saying is if you're over the initial phase where your neurotransmitters are sorting themselves out, look at what is missing. cos you will be able to feel good if you keep putting the work in. its fucking hard but i promise its worth it.

I'm 2 months sober now. Probably 6 months from opiates. It is hard but I have no other option if I test positive I'm looking at 2 to 3 years locked up and a life long monitoring program by the state. Should be enough motivation but weirdly it isn't I hope the program will be.