Misc What do you believe led you down a path of seeking the extremes of drug use?

[danosaurous22]

Maybe too vague of a thread, but finding Bluelight has made me really think about how alone I felt with my drug obsession in the "real world". Perhaps it was my upbringing, but nobody around me abused or abuses drugs the way I do. It is obsessive, reckless, and often done out of a curiosity of what exits beyond normal life. I have never met somebody who abuses drugs like I do, some people have partied with stimulants and psychedelics but they draw the line at opiates and don't seem to ever get addicted to drugs because they respect their wellbeing more than pushing their brain to its limits. The drawbacks of hardcore drug use scare them away, whereas with me I feel it is somehow a draw to the experience. The intense, insane, and horrific lows that come from pushing it to its limits are part of the "fun" (take that word with a grain of salt, it's definitely more complicated than that) to me, as though I'm breaking through the mundane and meaningless world into something with real stakes to it.

On this forum, I find people who have already pursued the things I'm pursuing to its greatest extents, to the point where they have better knowledge of their drug of choice and various ROAs and the real effects it has on life than many medical professionals. People who learn chemistry just because of their drug exploration/addiction, people who have tried so many research chemicals just to see what happens, people who throw caution to the wind and come back with horrific OD stories or horrific situations they've found themselves in seeking the drug out. I'm curious what you think brought you to this side of life, if you feel like you know about the line being crossed that I'm talking about. So many people, for instance, have told me they've used coke countless times but never purchased it. I just don't understand that at all, I feel like I'm an alien in comparison to that. From the moment I try a drug, I want a large supply to experiment with and see everything it has to offer. I've never IV'd, but I'm almost certain that I will someday, and none of my friends would ever ever ever even think of that. They would freak out at the possibility that I would even consider it, but to me it feels almost inevitable.

For me, I think it's out of the challenge it brings my brain and also a fascination with losing control of oneself. I have always been very tightly wound and bottle things up, so to see myself change so drastically is not something that scares me but something that really interests me. That is, until it starts scaring me and I've been to the brink of financial social and mental collapse. But even then I come out of it with the mindset that I'd rather regret doing something than hiding from it. I think some people are born into the world just really "asking for it"-- I never learn lessons until its too late, then I take it upon myself to try to teach people like myself before its too late. But I need to see it to believe it, for some reason.

 

[danosaurous22]

Obviously they also feel really good and my explanations don't mention that, it's obviously a part of it. But some people get a taste of that and can say, "I've had enough of that, back to the real world". Whereas I feel like I've unlocked a different world that is more interesting but isolating, and take the good with the bad.

 

[cleft]

I'd guess most people don't seek extremes, but slowly slip into them due to insufficient willpower. The real world is boring, and most people are boring cowardly automatons. Extreme or not, drug use provides a way to cope. Computers have turned into coping tools as well. At this point, I don't understand what people mean by "the real world" when they stare at a screen 12 hours a day.

 

[danosaurous22]

I frequently think like that, but it is tough to decide whether this is a glimpse at the reality we're stuck with or a way to justify avoiding something that is inherently meaningful and has a purpose. I go back and forth all the time. Sometimes when I'm sober, I see how much I can give to the world around me by being sharp and caring and decisive, traits that really can help the people who are lost and easily manipulated by the world. Some people that are totally straight just seem like they've been brainwashed into living a life of servitude, not just in terms of working for society but emotionally too, where they feel like they need to fit in and participate in order to exist at all and never question whether or not participation in this fucked up world isn't really helping things. But then some people see this side of things and just keep trying to help out, they understand that the world itself is fucked up but find ways to make small differences in life, and you need to be healthy and with it to really help the world around you. But then I think the black hole/end point is when you realize that there is nothing worth contributing to here, and you are still left with a need to feel pleasure and get the chemicals your brain craves when you no longer can stomach playing along with other people to get those good feelings. And if you have the capacity and desperation to look everywhere you can to cheat your way out of becoming a part of this sick world, probably because you've seen firsthand how sick and meaningless it is, you'll eventually find the chemicals that let you feel alive without participating. And then some people will get hooked forever and others will get out of it. I can't help but wonder if the people who "get out of it" and rejoin the world ever question their decision on not just a "drug craving/addiction to happy chemicals" sense but a moral/philosophical one. I've just been kind of hooked on thinking about how we ignore and manipulate reality in disgusting ways in the real world, and trying to find a way to fit in without giving in.

 

[cleft]

Maybe there's something to contribute, but I haven't found it. The world will beat you down if you don't obey, so you may find yourself sucking up and returning to the real world. Future you will learn to accept that most of your life will be bleak, dull, and unpleasant. That happy chemicals are a short term, temporary fix, a rare luxury. I don't even see the world as sick anymore, because it's too restricting. It is what it is, and the useful info is to stop wasting time trying to find cool people (especially online), and limit the overall interaction and dependence. I found that trading the dependence on the goodies of the mainstream world for the dependence on drugs is foolish and inelegant. It's freer to live a primarily sober life. That being said, I think drug takers figured out a simple truth that no yacht, car, or mansion can spice up reality compared to the happy chemicals. In a way, it's a religious process where you shed the old illusions that the TV brainwashed you into.

 

[PenguinWithNapalm]

I have actually been interested in drugs long before I ever tried them, as early back as 4th grade I remember beginning researching. From a young age I had this kind of instinct about consciousness. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and the idea of being able to alter that consciousness has always fascinated me. I think that when we had to do the DARE program in elementary school it kind of solidified it. I started reading everything I could on erowid by 7th grade and the rest is history

 

[KurtAurelius]

For me it’s interesting to have some degree of control over my brain chemistry (not totally as drugs can still be unpredictable and have “undesirable effects)

my brain being the way it is, sadly it’s a relief to know that even temporarily I can change how I feel and alter my lens of reality.

On paper what must come up comes down and so it could be a largely pointless game, one with no real long term benefit in many contexts unless carefully deploying compounds in a way that nets tangiable gain.

But as much as my hobbies satisfy me, I get bored and fed up of the brain, and I’m not perfect but I do a lot of things that benefit me and it eventually gets to the point where I’m like I want some fun even if it’s “bad”

I’ve reliably had periods sober and can “do it” I just don’t want to.

Life doesn’t really seem that it is meant to be rewarding (beyond a sensory view, as this is just a perception that has come from society but with again a view that still comes from senses, we can feel bad or good, we should feel good)

I’m of the opinion I’m nothing more than a flesh sack designed to mate, feed, kill and repeat.

Society has instituted its way to keep it going a bit more organised but it’s not for me, but I don’t have a choice other than to live, no matter how much my so called “feelings” dismay both the world and the state of inhabiting this body.

It’s fair to say without drugs it would eventually make it all better, my 3 year totally clean stint is nothing really, but I can atleast pretend I understand my choices and say well atleast I’ve decided something, that being to have a crumb of nice here and there and then to lock it away so I don’t fuck up the rest of the parade.

Overall, drugs are a highly taboo and thus curious realm, and when you don’t fit in and don’t want to, it’s a niche realm to not only take part in but to suck in tons of information.

 

[the_ketaman]

Trauma and being on the spectrum have led me to seek out ways of feeling different to how id normally feel. Not being great in social situations and not feeling great as it was led me to seek a solution.
At first I didn't recognise the extent of the damage I was causing. Now 19 years after my first IV of meth and later heroin I don't know what normal is and I've spent more of my life high than not.
The thing about this lifestyle is I've only traumatized myself more and now being sober is almost unbearable. I'm always in danger, I'm always scared and I've been beaten to a pulp a few times, overdosed soooo many times usually on heroin but also GHB, Meth and once on cocaine which was terrifying. I'm actually not sure how I'm living. Maybe my body has built a defence to being overdosed coz is literally estimate I've OD'd resulting in unconsciousness no less than 15-20 times. I wonder often why I care so little as death is not something I chase but life is so hard.
I've been to rehab 6+ times, been homeless a few times( I technically am now although I have a place to sleep). I've managed to find a partner and manage my anger and rage. Wanting to live and set a good example for my partner has changed a lot but I'm still pretty messed up.
All in all my life has basically been destroyed by drugs but without blue-light I'm certain is not be typing this now. I'd be dead.
Methamphetamine and mostly heroin control my life, I've never given up hope but there's a limit to what the body can take and I've used most of my nine lives. I pray I have at least a couple left. Only fate will tell.