What do horrible dreams I am having about family say about my true feelings for them?

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I do think there used to be a thread here about dreams.

First, I don't think I have any strong negative feelings toward any of my family, I feel like I love them, and I don't really think I hold any grudges over any of the things they have done to me in the past. I thought I forgave everyone years ago.

The dreams I have seem to me to suggest otherwise, if I am interpreting them correctly. I don't think there is much room for misinterpretation given the nature of the dreams. I am just going to list the things I keep dreaming about and describe a few of the dreams.

The most disturbing ones involve my mom and the younger of my brothers. First off, mom:

My mom never threatened my life or made me feel as though she might kill or seriously harm me. I can only recall two spankings that I would really call abusive given that everyone else around me spanked there kids or received them.

She had threatened to cut my brother's tongue off with a knife for telling lies, holding it to his face and describing cutting slices off for every lie and that freaked me out bad and after I ran to my room and calmed down, I wanted to cut her hands off so she would not be able to do that kind of thing. I actually started to plan to use an electric saw to cut them off when she slept that night but I did not hold on to that feeling. Still, I initially intended to carry out that act. I was maybe 12 years old, so it was long ago.

She also would be as cold as ice to anyone who expressed opinions different from hers and did not want me having any friends (she said friends don;t care about you and won't be there for you - that you can only count on family and friends would turn their backs on you). I really resented the way she treated my brother and how I had to act like her clone to get her love. Sometimes I hated her. There is more I could add, but she has changed so much since that time. I don't feel like I hold any of that against her, but now for the dreams that suggest otherwise:

I am dreaming more nights that not that she is treating me horribly, sometimes this includes dreams of being tortured and/or murdered. I have had lots of dreams where I killed or seriously hurt her, though it was self defense. I dream frequently that I am dying and need an ambulance and she does nothing to help me and often says horrible things while I am in the floor dying.

I had a dream last night about her and my brother. My brother was holding me down and vomiting on me. When I got away, he chased me and vomited in my mouth. This caused me to vomit and some of it got on my mom. Before that, I was trying to get her to make him stop. After I did that, she started beating me in the head with a metal pipe. I got away and looked in the mirror. One of my eye sockets was crushed and the eyeball was coming out and my face was a mess and blood pouring out of my mouth. After a few minutes, I tried to get someone to help me, but no luck. I tried to get the phone to call 911 and my mom grabbed it and smashed it.

I dream horrible things about my brother a lot too. Most of them are about him raping and often murdering or torturing me. I am a man, so I should not be dreaming about being raped by anyone. The last dream, I could feel him ejaculating in my ass and he kept stabbing and cutting me with a carpet cutter or a razor knife. I had another recent dream where he just watched while his friends were torturing me to death because they thought I was gay (I am asexual and said so many times in the dream but it did no good). In the dreams where my brother is doing these things, there are often other family members watching and doing nothing to help me.

One of my sisters is often involved in the dreams about my brother. She rapes me in the dreams and has a penis. In one dream she and my brother abducted me and were abusing me in every way you can think of in an attempt to get me to convert to Christianity so I would not go to hell for not believing. My mom did help me in this dream. This sister has never harmed me in any way and has always been nice to me except for telling me where I'm going when I die.

I have lots of horrible dreams about my dad. I do understand this because he made threats against my life as well as my mom's and brothers numerous times and would go on rages that lasted days and it truly terrified me. I really thought he would kill us from the time I was 4 until I was maybe 9 y/o and I would still feel in danger during his rages and threats until I was a teen or close to it. The strange thing is, I don't have as many about him as the other family members.

The last dream I had about him was almost a repeat of a dream I had when I was 13 or 14 years old. I was in bed, and blood started gushing out of a hole in the wall. I ran outside, freaking out. My dad was by his truck. I went in that direction, and he just started beating me with some blunt object for no reason. I was down on the ground and I could feel my life slipping away as he kept beating me. Usually when I dream about him doing these things, he acts alone and nobody else is around.

My dad never physically abused me. He only beat my mom on a few occasions and did fairly minor things like twisting or squeezing her hands until she said what he wanted her to say. She usually would be crying by the time she talked though, so it was still bad, just nothing that unusual. He also beat my brother a few times but not an abnormal level of abuse. He did throw bricks at my brother but he always missed.

I will admit that about a week ago, I got in an argument with my mom about her breaking a promise. I was not yelling, but I was saying the F word. My niece's baby was there but only a little over a year old so he would not get that language. My dad told me he better not here that language in front of the kid again and I reminded him that he used that language all the time when I was little and still does it around his teenage grandkids. I then said "Fuckety Fuck Fuck". He told me that next time the cops would take me away or I'd be dragged away in a body bag. (He doesn't live in the same house as my mom and I but is over all the time and frequently uses the line about the body bag with my mom - my mom treats him bad too but does not make threats). I then brought up how I was in fear for my life growing up and told him I was fucked up in the head as a result. I was adopted and he took this time to let me know again that he never wanted me in the first place and then I started screaming at him and told my mom she should never have adopted me and that she should have disposed of me in the dumpster where I belonged and then I got away from there before more shit was said.

When I told my mom that, I was meaning that if my dad did not want me she should not have adopted me. The comment about being disposed of was because I felt bad about myself more than anything. I was angry at my mom, but that was another problem. My dad had to get on my case again later before I said a word because I "would go batshit crazy and wake the baby". I told him I would not say anything if he would get off my case. He said "Yeah right, that'll be a cold day in Hell". I told him that again and added I would wake the baby if he kept on. He started cussing at me so I woke the baby up by acting really silly and laughing like an idiot. He starts yelling and cussing at me for that so I tell my mom to make him leave and I threaten to hurt myself if she doesn't give me my car keys or get him out. She doesn't want me driving in my mind state so I smash a plate over my head and stick a piece of glass to my throat then I drop it and go to be alone.

I think there must be some hate for my dad even though I normally don't feel anything bad toward him - it pretty clearly came out there. I also felt like trash for scaring my mom like that.

What bothers me is the dreams I am having about the rest of the family, people who have been good to me for a long time (with the exception of my brother who has been in prison most of his and my adult life) or always in the case of my sister.

I dream often that these same people are killing or torturing my pets. The worst dream was that my brother took my raccoon and went off somewhere and started cutting parts of his body off and sending them to me in the mail, along with pictures of what he was doing. In this series of dreams, my mom was helping me to try to track him down. I committed suicide by jumping off of a building in the second dream but was somehow alive again for the next two dreams.

I've had dreams about God taking control of the bodies of family members and making them do bad things to me. The most recent one was about my mom being controlled and telling me in a demonic voice about how I was going to suffer forever. In a similar dream, she said in that voice that I would die at age 49?(I know 40 something) and I would live in misery until then. One dream had my whole family and some strangers drown me by holding my face down in a toilet full of diarrhea and vomit and I nearly vomited as I woke up.

These dreams became much more frequent after my first stay in the mental hospital several years ago. They put me on meds and I was also awake for over 11 days and nights straight. I think maybe the meds or severe sleep deprivation caused them to get worse, but they have not gotten better since then - if anything, they continued getting worse until it was every night usually multiple times.

If I am having dreams that they are such horrible people, what does that say about me and how I feel about them? I feel really guilty about these dreams because my mom is a good person now, my brother has never done anything really bad to me, my sister has never harmed me, and my dad never actually hurt me.

Maybe I have a deep seated but subconsciouss hatred for my family that mainly comes out in dreams. I am just in tears now. I want to believe that I have forgiven them and moved past negative thoughts for them but my dreams seem to indicate hate, fear, or a combination of the two. I don't want to hate, but maybe that is what is buried deep inside my mind.

I don't want to hate. It is not right and it is unfair to the person you are hating unless they are doing something to you now or in the near past to deserve it. It is not right to hate someone who has been good to you for so long. Furthermore, I view hate as being very destructive to oneself.

Perhaps my self destructive behavior comes from hate.

It is also my mind coming up with all this violence and if I can dream about such violent acts, perhaps I am more likely to commit such acts that a normal person. I'm afraid that someday I will just turn into some kind of monster or something (not literally).

I just want to know what any of you think. I figure maybe I'll get some folks interested in dream interpretation here, though I have not posted much in this section of Bluelight.

Don't try to spare my feelings or be nice either. I want any responder to be brutally honest with what they think even if it is very negative against me or an indication that I could be or become a psychopath/antisocial person.

 

[Abject]

I think this sort of thing definitely belongs in TDS as opposed to PSS

Dreams don't make you a psychopath, being angry at 12 doesn't make you a bad person.

You probably have some issues with your family, or at least use them to project/manifest your own issues, but you say you feel like you love them and wouldn't hurt them.
Your dreams aren't going to change your entire being man.

I'll be honest, I haven't read all of this

 

[RobotRipping]

i have similar dreams about my dad; he just put too much pressure on me, too high of expectations and it really comes out in my dreams when i beat the living shit out of him or kill him. In reality, he's not so bad. I don't know, lots of pent anger from childhood is my issue, i have trouble letting things go, subconsciously especially. It's like i need to get revenge. In my dreams i over do it and make my dad cry.

It's pretty messed up but so was my life, it's just dealing with the trauma of growing up for me. This should go to TDS and not here, as it's definitely more of a psychological issue than a philosophical or spiritual one. These type of dreams have some root in reality, and somewhere inside, you are either angry, resentful or hurt about the past even though things are different now, it's hard to let go of.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

Thanks for the replies. This probably should have been posted in The Dark Side. I was originally going to post it there anyway but thought maybe this would be a good place. I can see why The Dark Side would be more appropriate given the nature of my post.

Maybe a moderator could move the thread over there or just delete it since it doesn't fit well in here.
I would like to know exactly why I am having these dreams, but that is something nobody can tell me.

I do have frequent dreams about complete strangers doing similarly horrible things to me but that does not bother me much. Still, it is more often family or a combination of family members and strangers doing these things that it is strangers alone, so I think it is obvious I have some issues with my family. At least I am not usually being violent in the dreams. If I was doing the killing and torturing and raping in the dreams I would have killed myself in shame long ago, whether I deserved to die or not.

Those dreams that I am dying and nobody is helping might just be because I have frequent severe panic attacks where I think I am dying but everyone else knows I am not. Nobody has been mean or cruel to me during panic attacks and my mom just tries to calm me down and reassure me - the opposite of what she does in the dreams.

 

[RobotRipping]

do you feel powerless in life? i know that's a big factor for many people who have these sorts of dreams. Recently in a dream i was raped by an evil demon woman. She was pretty hot and i put up with it (consensual rape i guess) but she was some sort of evil creature. What the fuck does that mean? lol

it's kind of difficult to analyze dreams as some parts are nonsense and others do have some root in deeper issues. The more i work on my issues and the root causes the less dreams i have where i beat the living shit out of my dad and stuff. I felt powerless as a kid over him but as an adult, i could destroy him but and that is reflected in my dreams. But the past just sticks around relentlessly, until i deal with it i guess.

if you haven't, try some therapy, i used to feel powerless over anxiety but the more you fear anxiety, the more it will get to you. Ever embrace a panic attack? say, "i've had enough, hit me with your fucking worst panic attack ever and see what happens"? It kills the inertia of the anxiety and the panic attack has no energy left to attack you with. I learned this in therapy with mindfulness but also after having so many god damn panic attacks in benzo/opiate withdrawal, i finally had enough and just let it hit me with all it had. After that, you'll feel like you have the power and don't need help from others to get through it.

I deal with panic attacks quite a bit, after years and years of it, i know i'm not going to die, i'd rather die though and i hate when people say that to me, 'well a panic attack won't kill you', well if i'm having one i may kill you. Just pisses me off lol.

 

[Foreigner]

I agree that this is a TDS post. Moving it.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Your dreams aren't going to change your entire being man.

I disagree,

Some dreams can give you an idea and this idea can grow like a cancer in your mind. This idea will eventually either define you, or destroy you.

I have had once such dream that I can remember in my life.

 

[Abject]

Sure it can influence you, it could even become a part of you, but it doesn't control you. You don't become your dreams, they are just projections of your mind.
If something is reoccurring it's probably in your subconscious a lot and it's something you should address. Dreams come from your mind, but they can't take over it.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

RobotRipping:
I have been trying to induce mild panic attacks through physical exercise - this causes a feeling of panic but I know logically that I am not going to drop dead from a short workout and that makes it easier to handle. It has had limited effects on my other panic attacks, but I am hoping in time this could help - I know others have got relief like this. I know this is not the same method you are talking about, but maybe it will work.

I did tell my psychiatrist about many of my recurring nightmares.

I don't think I am going to become a killer or anything like that because of the violent dreams. I am usually the one being attacked. If I were dreaming about killing people I would be worried about that. I also can't even stand to squash a bug, so I don't think I have it in me to kill another person unless maybe it was to save someone else.

I just really feel guilty that I am having these dreams because it often makes me think there is hatred deep inside me for the people I feel I love and who mostly love me.

RobotRipping asked if I felt powerless. I definitely feel like I have little control over my life. Repeating episodes of severe depression has made it difficult to do anything or accomplish any of my goals, when I am even able to care about that. I feel powerless over it and I don't think that I can ever have a happy or content life. I feel like any chance of having a meaningful life is very small. I feel stuck and trapped in a life I don't want. To be honest, I want to die much of the time. I am constantly thinking of suicide, though I am not going to give in to that desire - I guess I also have an opposing will to live.

In my dreams, I often find myself driving a car, and then it becomes uncontrollable. I can't slow it down and I have little or no ability to steer the car. I often kill people and other animals while this is happening but I can't stop the car. More often than not, I crash and I usually just feel myself dying. The inability to control the car in my dreams seems like a metaphor for the lack of control I feel over my life.

The dreams about my family doing horrible things to me are just really disturbing and upsetting to me. I guess I do still have bad feelings against my dad, but he often treats family members badly and it is impossible to have a rational discussion about any kind of issue involving feelings with him because all he wants to do is blame my mom for "being a bitch, etc". He has never acknowledged that he has done anything wrong since my mom made him do those things. He also says my mom was a whore and did things with lots of men. He is always accusing her of, in about his words "going out to see that nigger man". She denies ever being a prostitute and I have never seen her with other men. He sometimes accuses me of things I did not do and rarely even hints at being sorry when he finds out that is was someone else, usually him. Probably natural to have bad feelings toward him.

The rest of my family has done nothing to make me have buried hate inside myself for them. My brother who is staying now hates my bird though and I am a little worried he will get mad and kill the bird intentionally or accidentally. He almost slammed a door on the bird - I think he was pissed off because the bird went in the bathroom (his favorite room) and just did not pay attention to see it. I have been getting angry about that situation because he should be able to tolerate the bird's presence and all he has to do if he wants the bird moved is ask me. I will not lock the bird up in the cage just to make my brother happy. The dreams about him have gotten worse since he has came back. I don't think I hate him, but he does make me angry at times and he is always angry and blames anything that happens on other people, usually my mom and older nephew. People who are always angry scare me and just make me feel unsafe.

I can't come up with a good reason why I have the dreams about the rest of the family. They have been good to me for a long time. My mom is there any time I need her and she treats me good and helps me when I don't deserve it. I have a good older brother like relationship with the two nephews who live here and they are not bad. The older one has psychiatric problems that seem to have gotten much better, he seems happier and is nicer.

Maybe it isn't as much about my family as it is people in general - I frequently am tortured or killed by strangers in my dreams.

I guess I do still feel bad and sad about things that my family did to me and others when I am thinking about the past, but I don't feel angry, just usually empty and/or sad. I don't think about those things much but it is probably influencing my dreams.

I did try to put some thought into this to try to figure out why I am having these dreams. I don't think it is actually hate - if it was out of hate, I would probably be doing the killing instead of being killed by them. Maybe it is just because I was exposed to violence and scared a lot when I was little. Maybe there is no deeper meaning in it,

I wasn't really noticing until I read the responses here, but I do seem to have a bit of negative thoughts about my mom because I noticed I sometimes get bad thoughts that I usually allow to quickly pass instead of focusing on it. Maybe that is normal. I don't know if I even know what is normal and what isn't. I've not been around very many people and none of the people I am close to are normal. Either wacky religious, have violent tendencies, always angry, or wife beaters. My best friend as a kid had a really violent dad who would beat the hell out of him and his mom every time he got drunk. I don't think I knew anyone who had happy or peaceful lives. Maybe that is contributing to it.

I may try to talk more in depth about these dreams to my psychiatrist the next time I see her - I don't know. It is extremely hard for me to talk about - it is even hard to write about and I haven't given most of the details here. I don't know if I'll be able to talk about this or not

 

[herbavore]

There has been so much abuse in your childhood and though I know that your family has changed--especially your mom--nothing was ever really dealt with in a way that could truly begin to heal that legacy. It makes complete sense that your subconscious mind is struggling with a level of fear and anger and a sense of being out of control because these feelings were never allowed any healthy release. I am glad to hear that you are talking to your psychiatrist about them. I can't imagine living with the stress you are under by day worrying about your pet bird (that is not minor) and then having to endure these terrible nightmares at night sounds like torture.

I encourage you to respect your dreams. They are trying to shake you into an awareness of how much old pain you are carrying inside. Your family may not be physically abusing each other now but the residual fear and anger sounds like it is still intense. Is there any way that you could live with other relatives or on your own? I cannot see how you are enduring this.8(

 

[Leggz]

"I feel like any chance of having a meaningful life is very small."

That hurts me for you. It hurts me that u contemplate suicide. Your life is absolutly meaningful. I agree that much of what you are going through comes from not ever having been able to deal with and heal from your fear ect. as a child.
Of course when ppl who are supposed to love and nurture you are the ones who hurt you(emotionally,mentally), it can make deep wounds. Wounds that may seem like old scars now, may have just been festering, and feeding on your subconcious so that now its broken open again and draining in the form of these dreams.
I have an extremly disfunctional "family" as well. I actually disowned them because every single time i speak to them all i hear is how sorry i am cuz i got strung out on methamphetamine (really strung out), and how im nothin but a waste of space and oxygen, plus the flattering names pertaining to my weight, yadda yadda yadda. My mother(hereafter referred to as egg donor) even went so far as to say she wished she'd have gotten an abortion or given me up for adoption. N I fired right back with "so the fuck do i cuz at least i wouldnt have had to deal with you, maybe could have had a mama that was just happy to have me even with all my flaws." Then I said "I am truly sorry that I didnt turn out to be the skinny, straight A, beautiful prom queen that u was hoping I'd be. I sincerely apologise for u gettin stuck with my fat ugly self as your offspring. " Any way, nothing i did as a child was ever good enough, i mean nuthin.
.I grew up with alot of shyness n very self concious because of my "parents' comments about my weight, n my intelligence. Im a pretty big girl, 5' 11 200+ pounds. So when kids at school made fun of me for bein fat,it didnt bother me as much cuz who the fuck r u is pretty much all i needed. But when she and p.o.s. she married went to callin me elsie n shamu, it hurt cuz i thought they were supposed to love me. But i was a cow n all in they did was make my comfort eatin worse. He used to hold me down n make me puke, then make me choke on it.

As soon as I saw a chance i got the hell out of there. And now, i refuse to let anyone steal my joy. I know i m not the best lookin woman but dammit i know im fuckin hot to someone.

The step douche would throw me all feke around the house over furnitiure. throw pool balls at me, broke a 22 ounce pool stick across my back, held countless knives to my throat, and still she stayes n had 2 more with him. How could she have chose him?
Anyway honey, i think u got alot of pent up emotions that you need to let out, or they just gonna keep happening. N if u do talk to your professional, n nothing changes, c if they cant give you a sleepin pill that will put your mind at rest.