What can I possibly do?

[Mr. Pants]

I am 21 years old and living with my mother. And I've come to learn she has developed quite an addition to alcohol. I came here asking for advice on how help her break it. there's only one problem though... she acts so damn bizarre about it all. let me explain...

I'll come into the room and my mom will obviously be wasted off her ass. I'll ask her about it and she will refuse having drank anything. All while slurring her words and stumbling around. She usually follows up with an all out assault of personal insults in me that are in no way relevant.

I will fins cups half full of hard liquor all over the house. hidden in cabinets, under things, ect. I even find bottles stashed in the washing machine. I've found these in every room of the house.

What gets me is that she strongly insists that she doesn't drink. I have caught her taking shots before going to work, going to the store, and even before placing simple phone calls. When I mention it she tells me that I'm crazy and delusional. Here lately she enjoys insisting that I just say things as a mental assault because I must not feel good about myself and want to drag her down with me.

There is zero talking about it with her. I've broken down in tears in from of her, both while she's drunk and sober, and she still insists that she does not drink alcohol and that I am making everything up... and that's what she tells my sister too. I can't imagine how she suspects anybody could ever believe these things.. especially considering her DUI count.

Sometimes I'll just take the alcohol from her and hide it. This results in her rolling around on the floor screaming "Stop hitting me!" for the neighbors to hear. She threatens to tell police I hit her and she also threatens to have me evicted from the house. What the fuck?

I don't know anymore. I debate calling her in for a DUI all the time.. and since she drinks before work I consider calling her job and letting then know one of their management staff members is drinking on the job. But none of those things would make her admit a problem, letalone make her want to fix it.

I have come time resent my mother. She's a pathetic shell of a person who I cannot stand to look at most times because it's so depressing. I fear within a year or two we will no longer have anything to do with eachother. And she has mounting health issues such as heart problems and diabetes... so at this pace she only has so long... plus this is so straining on me, as this is literally an every day thing

Please tell me there's something I can do..

Oh and please excuse any out of place words haha. I am posting from my phone and it has terrible autocorrect, and sometimes I don't notice it

 

[RobotRipping]

sorry to hear, that's pretty messed up. It seems that many alcoholics go into complete denial about their drinking for some reason.

maybe you can sit down with her and tell her that you know she is drinking and it's okay, you can tell her that you accept and understand that she is having a difficult time and try to get her to open up about it. Avoid saying anything negative about her drinking or how it affects you. If she feels safe she may finally let you in on what's going on. This may not work either especially if she is in such denial. I would also avoid calling her job or the cops, that will certainly make things worse although i understand why you would want to do such things.

The other solution is to distance yourself from your mother, as hard as it is. Put up some boundaries so at least you are not being affected. People make their own choices, for better or worse but you are not responsible for her actions.

i think there are many other things that would help but your mother will have to want help and other than the typical intervention type techniques (cut off contact, make her hit her breaking point, force her into treatment) i don't know of anything else that would help. My girlfriend's mom is an alcoholic and crazy, attention seeking and acts out in similar ways as yours and there was nothing we could do to help, after cutting off contact with her, at least my girlfriends life and emotional stability has improved.

 

[podsnomo]

The BEST thing you can do is get help for yourself first. You cannot, cannot, cannot help your mom unless and until you help yourself. Those that live with and have loved ones who are alcoholics suffer from the disease as much as the drinker. You absolutely must get help for yourself.

Please, please, please consider attending al anon meetings. You will find people you would never talk to otherwise, but you will all have a very powerful common thread. The terrible situation you're dealing with can only improve if you're mom becomes willing to accept help. I worded that very carefully.

She absolutely won't hear anything you have to say because of your current poisonous relationship. Get into al anon. Attend an open AA meeting or two. Tell your story there. Often, the only person who can reach an alcoholic, esp one as desperately alcoholic as your mom is now, is another alcoholic who is in recovery.

There's no easy way to do it, and it may be impossible. This is life and death though. You must ACT. FIRST, get help for yourself. Share your story with others who have similar situations. Put all your efforts FOR NOW, into you. It may seem selfish, but it is the best possible thing you can do for her at this sad juncture.

IF you can get another alcoholic who has some serious sobriety time (2+years) to talk to her this might be your best, last hope. This person would preferably be someone about her age, similar demographically, definitely another woman. Do this after you begin to get help for yourself. Do this now.

I'm sorry if I sound to be giving you commands, but your story breaks my heart. I've seen alcohol destroy so much. And I have seen the advice I've give you work.

Bottom line, and I'll sound like a broken record because I simply cannot stress this enough: You absolutely have no choice right now but to get help for yourself. NOW.

This is of such grave importance that I'd be willing to talk with you on the phone. Ask me on this thread, or through PM if you can, and if you want to talk, I will talk with you.

I feel for you with all my heart. Please heed my advice. I promise you, it will help, and there's a chance that getting the help you need could bring about a miracle. You need one. Start now.

And if no one has told you that they love you today: I do.

podnomo

 

[Missykins]

AlAnon is very helpful, as you will learn that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You will also learn how others dealt with the alcoholism of a friend, spouse, or parent.

 

[podsnomo]

AlAnon is very helpful, as you will learn that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You will also learn how others dealt with the alcoholism of a friend, spouse, or parent.

Missykins, I need to learn to be as succinct as you. I'm way too prolix.

 

[1394]

I've known a few alcoholics in my time and in every case there is a serious reason behind getting drunk, this can range from severe depression to anxiety, also past traumatic experiences seem to bring out the booze fiend in people.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but where is your father? Is he in the picture? If not has he been gone for a long while?

I think this is important to consider, but it may not be, as I don't fully know your story...

What do you think triggers your mother's drinking? I think this could be beneficial information, in order to better understand her (if this is your wish) and communicate with her, to get her to comprehend the destructive nature of her habit.

Alcohol, especially withdrawal or "hangover", can bring out psychosis a.k.a delirium tremens, which is not always as severe but can seriously shake up the individual. Erratic behavior IME is pretty common among alcohol dependant people, this behavior can seem "mad" or "crazy" to others, but generally goes away when the intoxicated person sobers up (this is very different than drunken antics).

Does your family have a history of alcoholism?

Maybe you should get someone your mother trusts or respects to talk to her, but not in the sense of an intervention.

I hope at least some of this information is useful to you and that everything works out.

 

[Missykins]

Missykins, I need to learn to be as succinct as you. I'm way too prolix.

A victim of my science education. But I digress.

 

[Mr. Pants]

Thanks for the replies guys, I can't express how much I appreciate it. the help for myself first to help her makes a ton of sense and it's in ways something I'very been considering already.

Today was my mom's birthday. we didn't do anything fancy. my little sister came over and we ordered some pizza and rented some movies. It sounded like good fun until we realized mom was slipping out of the room to "use the bathroom" during the first movie. and by bathroom, I mean taking shots.

Eventually things fell apart and an emotional argument broke out. My sister was crying how mom didn't act like a mom and that she wasn't there for us emotionally. Mom said it was my fault my sister has these issues with their relationship because I "forced the idea into her head by lying" and eventually my sister said she couldn't handle it and that she was done speaking to my mother, and left. My mother seriously believes their failed relationship is my fault.

I know it's not true but in a way I feel like it is. I know it's dumb, but I take everything my mother says to heart because I... I don't know why. in my head I know the emotional abusive things she constantly says aren't true but I still feel them to the point where a part of me believes them. I question my sanity at times, and I've developed severe social anxiety because I can't maintain friendships because I feel like everything I say is stupid. I know that sounds unusual, but I can't help it.

Seeing my sister in tears hurt though, so I went into mom's room and took her alcohol when she wasn't paying attention. Of course upon finding out she tore my room apart but I hid it quite well. Now she's saying she's having the net cut off tomorrow and filing eviction papers... and I believe her. She's beyond pissed.

I talked to my sister a bit after shit went down, and I decided I had to move out. I have nowhere to go but I don't mind being homeless for a little while. I'm going to get into therapy (I can get it for free here), for my social anxiety as it has become so severe and I plan to work on my communication skills, and then I'll try approaching my mother again with hopes of helping her somehow. I've become such a mental wreck it's too overwhelming.

I know this sounds terrible... but today has been so stressful that I've actually been drinking on the alcohol I took and I'm drunk now. I'm not proud of this at all... quite ashamed actually for obvious reasons. But like I said, it's overwhelming. My personal mental issues and my mom's problem are reaching a breaking point where if I don't make something change soon I don't know what will happen to me. I admit I've turned inward with my frustration and mostly take it out on myself, and it's starting to scare me. I don't know what will happen.

This is actually the first time I've mentioned that, though I've wrestled with it for some time now. And as bad as it sounds, I'm starting to reach a point where a part of me doesn't want to help her ( and Ive been denying it to myself for a while). I just want to get away and fix myself and let her deal with her own issues.. but what kind of son says that?

but at the same time I can't hold it against her I feel like. I've been heavily addicted to a drug in the past and admitting I had a problem to myself was very hard and it took me years to do. And after that I've had urges and relapses (clean atm). so I know it's no joke.. but even with my personal experience with addiction I still hold it against her personally.. and that bothers me and makes me question my character.

bleh I know this post was an unorganized mess... but lime I said, I'm a bit drunk and my mind is racing quite fast. I just needed to get some of it off my chest since I don't really have any friends anymore that I can turn to...

 

[Mr. Pants]

I've known a few alcoholics in my time and in every case there is a serious reason behind getting drunk, this can range from severe depression to anxiety, also past traumatic experiences seem to bring out the booze fiend in people.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but where is your father? Is he in the picture? If not has he been gone for a long while?

I think this is important to consider, but it may not be, as I don't fully know your story...

What do you think triggers your mother's drinking? I think this could be beneficial information, in order to better understand her (if this is your wish) and communicate with her, to get her to comprehend the destructive nature of her habit.

Alcohol, especially withdrawal or "hangover", can bring out psychosis a.k.a delirium tremens, which is not always as severe but can seriously shake up the individual. Erratic behavior IME is pretty common among alcohol dependant people, this behavior can seem "mad" or "crazy" to others, but generally goes away when the intoxicated person sobers up (this is very different than drunken antics).

Does your family have a history of alcoholism?

Maybe you should get someone your mother trusts or respects to talk to her, but not in the sense of an intervention.

I hope at least some of this information is useful to you and that everything works out.

I feel like anything could be triggering it

my mom cheated on my dad 6 years ago and they got a divorce. He lives an hour away and they don't talk anymore.

I think my mom has low self esteem, anxieties, and depression. But I don't know if the alcoholism caused it or if it caused the alcoholism. Both seemed to really hit at the same time I think..

But I was living out of town when it all started so I don't know what came first.

My family (on mom's side, not dad's) has a history of alcoholism. Her dad was an alcoholic most of his life from what she says.. and I also seem to have quite an addictive personality (like I said in above post, I've been addicted to certain drugs quite bad previously ). So I think she's naturally a bit more vulnerable to this sort of thing

I've asked my mom to go to therapy to help her with her problems. I did it indirectly by saying that I wanted to go to therapy for my own personal problems, but that I wanted her to come with me tl make me comfortable enough to go, and I figured in my head that we could talk about our relationship and her problems and mine aswell to kinda kill two birds with one stone. We could've went for free, but she refused

 

[Cyc]

I dealt with the same thing growing up. It wasn't so bad when I was younger, but when I became a teenager my mom divorced her 2nd husband and it was just the two of us. During this time, her drinking and abuse of benzos got completely out of control. I learned simply not to bring up her alcoholism and my friends learned to keep their mouths shut about it too, since my place was where we got to drink, smoke, do drugs and party most of the time.

I remember going downstairs to check her breathing. The worst thing was the smell. It was a putrid smell of stale cigarette smoke, stale sweat, the thick smell of booze and a sickly sweet smell that is impossible to describe, but the thought makes me shudder. She would light cigarettes, take a single puff and let them burn like incense in the basement until the entire house filled with 2nd hand smoke. How she managed to survive it all is beyond me. These days she's in her early 50s and still drinks although I don't think her body allows her to drink as much. The circulation to her feet and legs is awful although she is not technically diabetic and the asthma she has had her entire life plagues her, yet she still smokes a pack+ a day. Her family doctor has pretty much given up on her and despite having awful problems with her feet, he can't seem to make a concrete diagnosis.

I don't talk to her much, maybe once a month and I see her a few times a year. The visits are pleasant enough but I spend a lot of time worrying about her, and dreading the day that I get that call that she collapsed and is in the hospital.

 

[podsnomo]

Thanks for the replies guys, I can't express how much I appreciate it. the help for myself first to help her makes a ton of sense and it's in ways something I'very been considering already.

*SNIP*

This is actually the first time I've mentioned that, though I've wrestled with it for some time now. And as bad as it sounds, I'm starting to reach a point where a part of me doesn't want to help her ( and Ive been denying it to myself for a while). I just want to get away and fix myself and let her deal with her own issues.. but what kind of son says that?
..

The kind of son that says that is the one who has figured out that you cannot help her until you help yourself. It seems counter-intuitive, hell, it goes against al your instincts as a son who loves his mom, but it really is the best course of action here. Getting away may or may not help your mom. She might find the alone time gives her no opportunities to fight and argue, and she might then reflect a little. Doubtful though. She may just use the alone time to drink like hell, which she's already doing anyway.

All the stuff you talk about illustrates just how poisonous, confusing, baffling, paralyzing, maddening, frightening, etc., a relationship with an alcoholic can be. And make no mistake, your mom is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. That's not to say there is no hope. The ONLY way, IMO and IME is if she becomes willing to change. All she would need is a tiny bit of willingness to be willing. Then, she would need to embark on a spiritual remedy for her physical malady. This is the only thing I have ever seen work. This is the basis of AA.

Read from our big book and search out some al anon stuff. http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
I suggest you read the Dr.'s Opinion and Bill's Story at least. But really, for a good start, read from the front cover through chapter 5.
Read some of the stories towards the back about people who recovered.
You'll start seeing some common threads.
You are not alone, except that you are because you're not in al anon yet.
Go. Soon. Please.

Get yourself to an al anon meeting ASAP. Share your story there. No one will judge you. I promise, and I also promise you will thank me once you go.

 

[1394]

"I think my mom has low self esteem, anxieties, and depression. But I don't know if the alcoholism caused it or if it caused the alcoholism. Both seemed to really hit at the same time I think.."

I think both ways can be true man.

History of alcoholism on your mother's side can signify a tendency of alcohol dependance.

I don't think you should be drinking man, it's the worst thing you can do to yourself at the moment.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[ugly]

I suggest you contact Intervention.

I feel for you. My mom's been on drugs and alcohol pretty much my whole life.

DO YOU, Mr. Pants. You need to start taking care of you. Right this minute, son.

 

[podsnomo]

You need to start taking care of you. Right this minute, son.

Amen!

 

[1394]

Don't call the invervention dudes, I'm very serious about this.

Though DO take care of yourself.

 

[podsnomo]

Yeah, Intervention the show and interventions in general don't work. They're a joke.

 

[It's a baby!]

Man I don't have experience with exactly these things but I feel for you a lot. If it wasn't for the antipsychotic meds I'm taking I think that post would have made me weep.

My dad's an alcoholic of the problem-drinker variety, the sort of guy who would get drunk every day after work and act like a fool around his kids, but be sober when he was at work. That's not the same as your problem. But even dealing with his, more minor alcoholism has had serious psychological effects on me. The only thing that made him take a break from drinking was me being locked in a psych ward and moving back in and his realizing that I can't be around alcohol or I will drink it up. And he's already talking about going back to drinking once I move out. He lied about his drinking too. Every night he'd say "I ONLY HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS GOD!" when my mother would criticize him for acting drunk. But for him a "couple of beers" was at least five or six. And I think he was literally convinced that he was only having a "couple". He'd space them out, he wasn't drinking for the drunk he was drinking for the buzz.

And that's MINOR alcoholism, and it STILL bothers the shit out of me and impairs my relationship with him, to see a 43 year old act that irresponsibly, etc.

But yeah that shit's not important, AL-ANON sounds like it would help you. I'm sorry man, I wish I could give you some sort of magic wand that would fix the situation. You don't sound like a bad son at all. You sound like a very loving, caring son who doesn't know what to do You have all these anonymous people on the internet relating to your experience and I bet it's making you feel a tiny tiny bit better, imagine how much better you could do talking to people face-to-face.

 

[DooMMooD]

Almost all of what you've described is TEXTBOOK addict behavior.

The personal attacks are simply a way to move the spotlight from her to you.

Its a fucked up, underhanded addict trick. But thats all it is.

Christ I cannot tell you how many times I got CAUGHT DOING DRUGS by my family/friends and flipped it so fast from oh shit hes doing giant lines of opana to: "You fucking people raised me all fucked up! YOURE HORRIBLE PARENTS, THINK ABOUT THAT!!!"

Addicts love moving the spotlight. Its one of many tricks of the trade. Learn to ignore them: because, 1) even if theyre TRUE, it doesn't invalidate YOUR points 2) they are totally unrelated to the conversation, 3) they are made while shes clearly intoxicated and while she means to be mean/trigger guilt, they are in no way shape or form how she truly feels when sober.

Sucks to say this but honestly when shes wasted (or trying to get wasted): take everything she says as bullshit. Its all just a ploy to keep drinking. Every word out of an addicts mouth during active addiction is literally a scheme to get more fucked up. Sad, but true. This is INCREDIBLY HARD (especially if its your parent) but its all bullshit and honestly you need to realize that every single time. All the words spewing from her mouth is garbage, you realize this already, even if you are hesitant to admit it. Sooner you realize that the less and less what she says will impact you emotionally/psychologically.

WHY she drinks is an entire nother question, in and of itself, and one that no one on here can help you with. I"m sorry you have to go through this man, I know how badly it sucks to have an alcoholic parent.

As for resenting her, this is MAD IMPORTANT! Probably the most important part of what i'm going to say. You need to LET GO OF THAT RESENTMENT and MOVE ON! Its harder than it sounds, probably one of the hardest things you will have to do. The EASIEST WAY (but by no means easy) is to REFRAME THE SCENARIO:

Instead of "shes a alcoholic piece of shit" you need to think "Wow, she has a SERIOUS drinking problem. I pity her and feel sorry for her, and that she is not in control of her own actions." You may NEVER come to love her like you think you should, you may never want to be around her, but it will make your life a billion times easier not carrying around giant sacks of anger/resentment. I personally found the pity approach the best way for me personally (pity for me can quickly change into forgiveness) but you might try to reframe it another way, this was only one example.

Staying and getting so resentful/angry will take the largest toll on you, not her. Because lets face it, shes wasted, and honestly doesn't even feel real feelings in that intoxicated state. Forgiveness isn't usually for the person you're forgiving, it ends up being more for you.

None of this is anything you wanted to hear, but its all true.