sadmachine
Bluelighter
I've never really had a bad problem but about 2 years ago I started messing around with oxycodone and since then nothings been the same. I never dosed too too high or used for a prolonged period. I'd get a box of 20 x 20mg, eat 40-80mg a day until I run out and then get another in a couple weeks. But when I got that box, nothing in the world could make me take a day off from using, even if I told myself "i'll have a better high tomorrow". By the end I couldn't come close to nodding and I would get mild withdrawal symptoms even after just 3 days of using. As odd as it sounds, I didn't really enjoy them all that much. They would sometimes make me feel very dysphoric or give me severe anxiety and I'm quite ashamed because I dont really understand why I kept persisting thinking I was going to finally achieve that warm blanket euphoria if I just got the dose/timing/setting right. Of course there were good times too, but they weren't anything special and certainly not worth it. I never ever craved them like I would a cigarette and quitting for good was pretty simple. Glad to have them behind me, no love lost.
Not long after I gave up oxy I lost my job, financial stress and decided to finally give an SSRI a go. It helped somethings, made others worse, but worst of all made me crave drugs in a way ive never craved anything before. Smoking cannabis on it was heavenly. After a month it began to make me feel extremely depressed and hopeless so my doc took me off it and I got into the gym instead.
Since then I wake up every morning feeling compelled to take something. Doesn't really matter what it is or even if I like it or if its appropriate for the situation. It doesn't provide me any relief from stress/mental health and half the time it's just boring and a way to pass the time. I also abused ketamine for around a year, around 1g a fortnight I'd say. It was a miracle drug in the beginning that did everything and it did truly provide me a lot of insight into myself and even resolved some grudges I had internally with family members, but now it's lost its magic and feels cold and clinical so i've cut it out.
That left me with cannabis to abuse, which I only recently quit after a 3 month stint on it daily. I was very functional on it and it actually improved some aspects of my life, but I just had no control over my usage. Since 15 i've always had a great relationship with cannabis, never really was a daily smoker just here and there with friends, sometimes wouldnt touch it for years. One day I just told my partner "I'd love to keep a stash in the drawer and then when the mood strikes me, roll a nice joint, eat some good food and watch a great movie" but I just cant do that. I don't have the willpower. I will feel compelled to smoke at every chance I can get, with the intention of getting as high as possible as frequently as possible. I don't want to feel so powerless and if it means abstinence i'd rather go without. So that was a very recent farewell.
The only substance this doesnt seem to apply to is clonazepam, which i've always kept handy for when I need to fix my sleep pattern or visit parents/cure a comedown. Have never had any desire to misuse it and have never overused it either.
I've heard stories of men who used to drink a bottle of whiskey a night and were able to bring it down to 2-3 glasses on a weekend only. I've also heard that once you've got this it's for life. I'm not sure who to believe. I'm done with opioids for good but i'd like to be able to keep a little cannabis and ketamine in a drawer for when the time is right as I do really enjoy those drugs when im not feeling compelled to use them but I just don't know how. When I try I get this awful brooding feeling hanging over me like I must use it and get it done with.
I'm also hooked badly on nicotine which probably isn't helping anything, but that's next on the chopping board (when my current vape dies I'm planning to not buy another).
I'm also experimenting with dexamphetamine at the moment, some guys at work swear by them for when a big project comes up and I struggle greatly with focus and concentration as it is. Plus I figure once in a blue moon a nice tall dose could be fun too. A tool and a party favour. I thought maybe it has potential to be another tool that I an use responsibly like my clonazepam, but already I feel that same compulsion, i've already bought and used more than I set out to in the last week.
I know a lot of this is really just a man venting about his mild garden variety addiction but I really needed to get it off my chest and just hear what someone else has to say about it. I think i'm due for a long stint of abstinence and i've also made plans to get a referral to a psych and maybe they can help me.
Not long after I gave up oxy I lost my job, financial stress and decided to finally give an SSRI a go. It helped somethings, made others worse, but worst of all made me crave drugs in a way ive never craved anything before. Smoking cannabis on it was heavenly. After a month it began to make me feel extremely depressed and hopeless so my doc took me off it and I got into the gym instead.
Since then I wake up every morning feeling compelled to take something. Doesn't really matter what it is or even if I like it or if its appropriate for the situation. It doesn't provide me any relief from stress/mental health and half the time it's just boring and a way to pass the time. I also abused ketamine for around a year, around 1g a fortnight I'd say. It was a miracle drug in the beginning that did everything and it did truly provide me a lot of insight into myself and even resolved some grudges I had internally with family members, but now it's lost its magic and feels cold and clinical so i've cut it out.
That left me with cannabis to abuse, which I only recently quit after a 3 month stint on it daily. I was very functional on it and it actually improved some aspects of my life, but I just had no control over my usage. Since 15 i've always had a great relationship with cannabis, never really was a daily smoker just here and there with friends, sometimes wouldnt touch it for years. One day I just told my partner "I'd love to keep a stash in the drawer and then when the mood strikes me, roll a nice joint, eat some good food and watch a great movie" but I just cant do that. I don't have the willpower. I will feel compelled to smoke at every chance I can get, with the intention of getting as high as possible as frequently as possible. I don't want to feel so powerless and if it means abstinence i'd rather go without. So that was a very recent farewell.
The only substance this doesnt seem to apply to is clonazepam, which i've always kept handy for when I need to fix my sleep pattern or visit parents/cure a comedown. Have never had any desire to misuse it and have never overused it either.
I've heard stories of men who used to drink a bottle of whiskey a night and were able to bring it down to 2-3 glasses on a weekend only. I've also heard that once you've got this it's for life. I'm not sure who to believe. I'm done with opioids for good but i'd like to be able to keep a little cannabis and ketamine in a drawer for when the time is right as I do really enjoy those drugs when im not feeling compelled to use them but I just don't know how. When I try I get this awful brooding feeling hanging over me like I must use it and get it done with.
I'm also hooked badly on nicotine which probably isn't helping anything, but that's next on the chopping board (when my current vape dies I'm planning to not buy another).
I'm also experimenting with dexamphetamine at the moment, some guys at work swear by them for when a big project comes up and I struggle greatly with focus and concentration as it is. Plus I figure once in a blue moon a nice tall dose could be fun too. A tool and a party favour. I thought maybe it has potential to be another tool that I an use responsibly like my clonazepam, but already I feel that same compulsion, i've already bought and used more than I set out to in the last week.
I know a lot of this is really just a man venting about his mild garden variety addiction but I really needed to get it off my chest and just hear what someone else has to say about it. I think i'm due for a long stint of abstinence and i've also made plans to get a referral to a psych and maybe they can help me.
