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⫸STICKY⫷ What are you grateful for ?

Chaurus said:
I'm grateful for the beautiful kingfisher I saw flying over a ditch in my way home from work today, and for the opening of the first daffodils.
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Sometimes it's the small things that may seem insignificant to others that can really make you grateful ,just to be in the right moment at the right time
 
Grateful to have a backup plan in my autopilot programming. I'm honestly getting fed up with these health problems...and if my life suddenly turns to absolute shit financially because of something I had no part of, well, I guess the autopilot switches on and takes over - and will execute a nice transition from life to death. Hakuna matata.
 
Today I went on reddit to browse some stash pics. Mostly pharmaceuticals. Once upon a time this would stir something inside me like nothing else. Salivating at the mouth.

Today as I went through photo after photo, I felt nothing. No excitement. Truthfully I felt a little pity for the owners. I imagined what it would be like to have it all in front of me. What would I do with it all? You can only take so much at once. I've done it a thousand times, the magic is long gone, what's the best that could possibly happen? And what's the long term outcome? Imagine the suffering all of that would cause, imagine the withdrawals, the guilt. But also, imagine the disappointment when you just can't get the feeling you want despite the dosage. For me personally that might even be the worst part. Ignoring the wd's and suffering for a moment; what do you do when it doesn't give you what you want no matter how much you take? How do you cope with that disappointment without vainly spiralling deeper?

How I feel and think about these things has changed, I suspect this might've slowly started happening last year I just didn't recognise it at the time. I just can't seem to unsee the inevitable consequences when I look at those pill bottles and I can no longer buy into my own lie that the magic will somehow return if I just get the dose/whatever right. I won't remember the days spent high, it'll be a blur; over in an instant. But I will remember the endless days of agony that follows. It's not pleasant but I think this could be really helpful for my recovery. The reality is I am never ever going to get what I want from them ever again and no amount of delusional self-justification is going to change that. A tough pill to swallow indeed, but I think learning to accept reality for what it is and not attempt to resist or change the impossible could be a valuable lesson not just in recovery but in many aspects of life.

I want to use this lesson so that one day I can look back and instead of disgust, think of this period of my life as "Rough, but we learnt a valuable life lesson that now benefits us". I so badly want to take something positive from it on its way out, if I can do that I think I could come to some level of peace with the guilt and shame.

I don't feel suddenly healed and I still have a ways to go, but I am grateful for this unexpected epiphany.
 
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sadmachine said:
Today I went on reddit to browse some stash pics. Mostly pharmaceuticals. Once upon a time this would stir something inside me like nothing else. Salivating at the mouth.

Today as I went through photo after photo, I felt nothing. No excitement. Truthfully I felt a little pity for the owners. I imagined what it would be like to have it all in front of me. What would I do with it all? You can only take so much at once. I've done it a thousand times, the magic is long gone, what's the best that could possibly happen? And what's the long term outcome? Imagine the suffering all of that would cause, imagine the withdrawals, the guilt. But also, imagine the disappointment when you just can't get the feeling you want despite the dosage. For me personally that might even be the worst part. Ignoring the wd's and suffering for a moment; what do you do when it doesn't give you what you want no matter how much you take? How do you cope with that disappointment without vainly spiralling deeper?

I'm not sure what caused this or why, but it feels as though the novelty to certain it has worn off. Both the actual effects and my feelings towards it. I started feeling this last year but I couldn't identify what the feeling was at the time. I just can't seem to unsee the inevitable consequences when I look at those pill bottles and I can no longer buy into my own lie that the magic will somehow return if I just get the dose/whatever right. I won't remember the days spent high, it'll be a blur; over in an instant. But I will remember the endless days of agony that follows. It's not pleasant but I think this could be really helpful for my recovery. The reality is I am never ever going to get what I want from them ever again and no amount of delusional self-justification is going to change that. A tough pill to swallow indeed, but I think learning to accept reality for what it is and not attempt to resist or change the impossible could be a valuable lesson not just in recovery but in many aspects of life.

I want to use this lesson so that one day I can look back and instead of disgust, think of this period of my life as "Rough, but we learnt a valuable life lesson that we now benefit from". I so badly want to take something positive from it on its way out, if I can do that I think I could come to some level of peace with the guilt and shame.

I don't feel suddenly healed and I still have a ways to go, but I am grateful for this unexpected epiphany.
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I've been getting a little bit let down by my drug of choice and I'm grateful to hear from someone going through something, too.
 
bvc said:
I've been getting a little bit let down by my drug of choice and I'm grateful to hear from someone going through something, too.
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If it can make you feel better, it's the same for me with some of my former docs, as well as the fact, that there's only one first time wow effect for me with pretty much every substance i tried so far. When I could get it a second time I was already lucky - which unfortunately didn't avoid cravings from developing 😅
 
sadmachine said:
Today I went on reddit to browse some stash pics. Mostly pharmaceuticals. Once upon a time this would stir something inside me like nothing else. Salivating at the mouth.

Today as I went through photo after photo, I felt nothing. No excitement. Truthfully I felt a little pity for the owners. I imagined what it would be like to have it all in front of me. What would I do with it all? You can only take so much at once. I've done it a thousand times, the magic is long gone, what's the best that could possibly happen? And what's the long term outcome? Imagine the suffering all of that would cause, imagine the withdrawals, the guilt. But also, imagine the disappointment when you just can't get the feeling you want despite the dosage. For me personally that might even be the worst part. Ignoring the wd's and suffering for a moment; what do you do when it doesn't give you what you want no matter how much you take? How do you cope with that disappointment without vainly spiralling deeper?

How I feel and think about these things has changed, I suspect this might've slowly started happening last year I just didn't recognise it at the time. I just can't seem to unsee the inevitable consequences when I look at those pill bottles and I can no longer buy into my own lie that the magic will somehow return if I just get the dose/whatever right. I won't remember the days spent high, it'll be a blur; over in an instant. But I will remember the endless days of agony that follows. It's not pleasant but I think this could be really helpful for my recovery. The reality is I am never ever going to get what I want from them ever again and no amount of delusional self-justification is going to change that. A tough pill to swallow indeed, but I think learning to accept reality for what it is and not attempt to resist or change the impossible could be a valuable lesson not just in recovery but in many aspects of life.

I want to use this lesson so that one day I can look back and instead of disgust, think of this period of my life as "Rough, but we learnt a valuable life lesson that now benefits us". I so badly want to take something positive from it on its way out, if I can do that I think I could come to some level of peace with the guilt and shame.

I don't feel suddenly healed and I still have a ways to go, but I am grateful for this unexpected epiphany.
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I came to the same conclusion as well, although I do sometimes, or rather offen read about all the drug combos people do on here and let my mind wander vicariously to a time and place when the drugs gave me everything I ever wanted. But even when I had surgery and was given opiates the previous ”satisfaction” was absent. I think the same dissapointment would manifest if I were to relapse now after 5 years of sobriety.


Like you said, I will never get what I want from them ever again, it is a blessing in disguise though. I hope you continue your recovery as well, I think we have something that regular people dont once we manage to get over our defects. It can build character like nothing else, and ive gotten through things sober I didnt even think I could get through with the help of drugs in active addiction.
 
Some small things currently keeping me going:

- My friends know I’m having a hard time on this family trip and are sending me events and planning hangouts with me to look forward to <3 Eternally grateful for how lucky I got with meeting & making such genuine friends, have to be doing something right I suppose..

- Family dog who also got brought on the family trip. She somehow always knows when I’m feeling bad and then comes to check in on me. She’s laying on my lap right now :)

- Yesterday I had a little moment of nostalgia while walking on a beach and seeing a fossil. Paleontology has always been a niche little interest of mine and yesterday I noticed that my uni courses on geology have actually taught me more than I thought. Little me would be happy knowing I haven’t fully lost my ‘scientific’ abilities /interests or whatever haha

- And the main thing prompting this post was getting a sweet message back from this person I’m really into. Usually if I start feeling anything for anyone I shove those feelings as far away as possible but for once I just want to see where it’ll lead and that’s progress I suppose.

Assumed he wasn’t interested, as it took him a while to reply, but turns out we’re similar social anxiety and self perception wise. He’d assumed I didn’t remember him from when we met at a rave and man, I have the exact same negative thoughts like that and it’s almost a breathe of fresh air meeting someone who gets it? Just being able to talk about and acknowledge that, automatically makes me feel more extroverted and comfortable communicating.

Part of me is scared, previous relationships were traumatizing to say the least and I fear getting too attached to anyone, but for once I just want to allow myself to feel happy about these things and actively pursue relationships again after years spent socially isolated by my eating disorder and what not.

We’re planning to hang out and get to know each other soon, so it’s something to look forward to while I’m dealing with this ‘being forced sober and trying not to lose my shit’ situation .—.

This took like… hours to write and I feel exhausted as all hell, but am glad I’m at least able to name some positives. Hope y’all are having a decent day today :)
 
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