The reality that I could not risk my freedom by engaging so regularly in the felonious act of consuming my DOC. That and the realization I could not accomplish my goals if I continued to get arrested, even if I was able to beat the charges or get them dismissed, just having arrests on my record will make getting certain jobs impossible. The legals aspect of it was what first really got me motivated enough to stop using and clean up my life.
Later came realizations like the fact that when I am high I cannot take care of my responsibilities in life and fulfill my duties and obligations to friends and loved ones. For instance, one night I had taken a large dose of psycadelics and my mom happened to fracture her wrist playing tennis. I had to take her to the ER and keep her calm while we waited hours and hours in triage because it was a Saturday night and no one was on staff. I was there tripping balls taking care of my mom, helping her deal with the pain and anxiety she was experiencing using mindfulness/MBSR. Not cool, because I also had to drive her and shit cause her wrist was useless and she was kinda out of it. So realizing that I cannot fulfill my obligations to others has made me realize I have to be extremely careful if and when I choose to use a substance (I only use things for theraputic purposes now, and other than some social cannabis use I no longer use recreationally). One never know what or when an emergency will arrise. I only trip now when I am out n nature or something and there are no potential distractions or emergencies that may arrise.
Most recently I have become more and more committed to my mindfulness, lovingkindness and equanimity practice(s). I have also become interested am starting to get involved in Zen Buddhism. That all requires a sober state of mind, or else the whole meditation thing doesn't accomplish anything particularly useful other than, perhaps, some relaxation. I want more than just to relax when I meditate. The goal of meditation for me is more geared towards insight and awakening, and stuff like relaxation and good mental and physical health are more like secondary side effects. They are really nice, but they are not the primary goal of my practice. And in order to accomplish my goal, I cannot use while I practice. As I have now incorporated my practice into pretty much all aspects of my every day life, using really makes things much too difficult and prevents me from acconplishing the goals of my practice.
Along those lines, I am also starting to realize that using drugs regularly, theraputically, recreationally or otherwise, may very likely continue to prevent me from achieving my goals in life. Such as finding a partner and establishing a healthy, sustainable long term committed relationship. I do not think using regularly would fit in too well with that. And with my living at ZCLA, which is basically a Zen Buddhist temple, using simply is not acceptable or an option while there. And getting the kind of job I want teaching MBSR and secular mindfulness does not exactly lend itself to getting fucked up all the time either.
So now the way I think about it, it is either the drugs and getting high or accomplishing my goals and getting what I want out of life. It is kind of a no brainer now, which is a pretty awesome place to be after a decade of struggling to find a meaningful, sustainable path in recovery and life.
