So yesterday was about the worst day of my life. I had decided (once again) to quit using heroin, but do a home detox this time since I'd never tried it that way before. Well my mom and I got into a huge fight about it, because she wanted me to go to detox and I didn't want to. I ended up driving off in my car to chill out, and she called me, and I was so depressed and felt like such utter shit physically that my dumbass told her I wished I was dead.
Well, about 30 minutes later, I got a call from my drug dealer. He wanted to know why the cops just called him and asked him if he knew where I was (they got his number because he was the last person I had called in my phone WTF they actually looked up my phone records!) and apparently they told him I was suicidal and a heroin addict. Obviously he knows about the second part but anyway, the cops calling him and all... that bridge is burned. I couldn't get heroin anymore even if I wanted to.
I decided it was time to go home after that, before more damage was caused. SO I get home and my mom says "I need to call the cops to let them know you got home okay." (I'm 24 and she filed a missing person report all because I left after a fight... nice.) I kept telling her no, don't call them, I'll get arrested, but she wouldn't believe me and called them anyway. They claimed they wanted to come out to "make sure I was okay."
In all actuality, they came out, arrested me, did a 51/50, and I spent all of last night and the better part of today kicking in the most ghetto psych ward in Los Angeles ever. It was HORRIBLE. The beds were all in one open room, only an inch away from each other, and at least one patient was screaming insane things at all hours of the day. At one point, this bitch next to me starts talking about throwing her daughter out of a moving car, chopping people into little pieces, throwing her daughter out of a window, etc. Like, graphic detail. This place doesn't let you get out of your bed for any reason except to go to the bathroom, so I was forced to listen to this shit. Imagine kicking heroin and listening to that, in that kind of setting. Pure. Fucking. Torture. And the shitty part is that I was never actually suicidal! WTF! Anyway they figured it out... that I wasn't suicidal, I mean... and let me go with my mom.
And now I'm kicking. I have to go to sober living (that was the deal for them to get me out of that fucking loony bin) but I have to finish withdrawaling first. But no detox centers will take me! Because I'm "too far into my withdrawals". WTF I'M ONLY ON LIKE DAY 2?! Day 1 if you really think about it. Sooo I have to do a cold turkey home detox. My only saving grace is that I have 5 Suboxone (only 2mg but fuck it I will take what I can get!), and some Xanax and Seroquel. Yes, Seroquel usually makes w/d's unbearable, but I've found that when combined with a benzo, it calms the RLS and restlessness and etc. enough to actually knock you out for a good while.
I know tomorrow is going to be absolute HELL. So is day 4 apparantly. I'm scared out of my mind and have no idea what to do at this point... and I want to use soo bad but that chapter of my life is gone... even if I want it, it's not an option anymore. God I'm so torn right now.
Well, about 30 minutes later, I got a call from my drug dealer. He wanted to know why the cops just called him and asked him if he knew where I was (they got his number because he was the last person I had called in my phone WTF they actually looked up my phone records!) and apparently they told him I was suicidal and a heroin addict. Obviously he knows about the second part but anyway, the cops calling him and all... that bridge is burned. I couldn't get heroin anymore even if I wanted to.
I decided it was time to go home after that, before more damage was caused. SO I get home and my mom says "I need to call the cops to let them know you got home okay." (I'm 24 and she filed a missing person report all because I left after a fight... nice.) I kept telling her no, don't call them, I'll get arrested, but she wouldn't believe me and called them anyway. They claimed they wanted to come out to "make sure I was okay."
In all actuality, they came out, arrested me, did a 51/50, and I spent all of last night and the better part of today kicking in the most ghetto psych ward in Los Angeles ever. It was HORRIBLE. The beds were all in one open room, only an inch away from each other, and at least one patient was screaming insane things at all hours of the day. At one point, this bitch next to me starts talking about throwing her daughter out of a moving car, chopping people into little pieces, throwing her daughter out of a window, etc. Like, graphic detail. This place doesn't let you get out of your bed for any reason except to go to the bathroom, so I was forced to listen to this shit. Imagine kicking heroin and listening to that, in that kind of setting. Pure. Fucking. Torture. And the shitty part is that I was never actually suicidal! WTF! Anyway they figured it out... that I wasn't suicidal, I mean... and let me go with my mom.
And now I'm kicking. I have to go to sober living (that was the deal for them to get me out of that fucking loony bin) but I have to finish withdrawaling first. But no detox centers will take me! Because I'm "too far into my withdrawals". WTF I'M ONLY ON LIKE DAY 2?! Day 1 if you really think about it. Sooo I have to do a cold turkey home detox. My only saving grace is that I have 5 Suboxone (only 2mg but fuck it I will take what I can get!), and some Xanax and Seroquel. Yes, Seroquel usually makes w/d's unbearable, but I've found that when combined with a benzo, it calms the RLS and restlessness and etc. enough to actually knock you out for a good while.
I know tomorrow is going to be absolute HELL. So is day 4 apparantly. I'm scared out of my mind and have no idea what to do at this point... and I want to use soo bad but that chapter of my life is gone... even if I want it, it's not an option anymore. God I'm so torn right now.
I'm going to rehab tomorrow hopefully. They have a detox center but the funny thing is I feel like I don't even need it. If I can live through detoxing in a psych ward, I can do it anywhere! Seriously though, I've been detoxing so much since my parents found out about my use, just cause it's way harder to get it now... like they take my keys so I can't drive anywhere and etc... the symptoms hardly bother me anymore. Knock on wood. Watch it's going to be like pure torture when I wake up tomorrow just because I said that haha