What a rough night...Dont know what to do now.. Any Ideas?

[footscrazy]

You still have options. Book into rehab, that'll give you a place to stay for a month or more, plus they help you with accomodation afterwards. Get a medical certificate from them and work can't even fire you.

Or go stay in a womens' shelter. If you have to quit your job so be it, your life is more important.

I spent years in abusive relationships and if there's one thing that is absolutely, 100% true, is that he'll never change, and the relationship will never get better. Is this the best you want your life to ever be?

 

[tenderjuice]

he come back out, gets in my face, and headbutts me in the nose

He assaulted you. I know how you feel, you love him and all that (Ive been in an abusive relationship), but you should leave him. I know thats a scary thought but you must apply some logic to your situation. Get a hotel room and think about what healthy options you have. Dont just get shitfaced - get well. Make this the beginning of a happier you. Its practicalities you should be concentrating on now which is really hard as you can probably hardly tear yourself away from your emotions. Please do not go back to him. Take your power back and make some positive steps. Are there any helplines you can call?

 

[jonaz]

if he's been violent to u only one time,
but before that incident he was "ok"...

then that doesn't mean that he is really an "ok" guy... it means that violence has been inside him all along he's just been hiding it and perhaps keeping it under control because he still liked you back then.

once a guy acts to u as he just did (telling u are an ugly fuckup who should scar some more) is 100% reassurance that u do not need to go back to this guy, ever.
HE.... is fucked up...

stop using so much harmful drugs,
stop letting the demons in ur head bring u down...

when they try to bring u down again (which they will always continue to try),
then remember this line: "these thoughts are not mine. i can relax. i can let go. i can stay positive."

never believe u need something or someone to be happy.
u can be happy even when ur in such deep shit u can't even imagine it exists.
but to be happy in those instance u need to acknowledge the power of your mind,
and acknowledge u have allowed the demons to take control of it,
and acknowledge that u can take back control any time.

it's a poker game. they'll make u feel without energy. they'll make u feel weak.
they will ridiculize this message. but they're bluffing.

they're bluffing and u should refuse to believe everything they say.
like the drugs can make you feel high, happy and powerful.. you can make yourself feel high, happy and powerful even without the drug.

power of your mind, or power of god? i don't know.
to take control away from the demons and enter a state of happiness and empoweredness,
try the exercise below:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?p=8529803#post8529803

 

[Draigan]

I'm a true believer in that when the will is there, the pieces will fall into place.

I don't really know what to say about your situation, specifically, but I am sure many posters above me offered practical advice. I think a metaphor is in order!!

Plants don't grow properly when they don't have access to proper sunlight and good water. If you think of yourself as a plant, and this person in your life as a source of nourishment(like sunlight or water), do you think he is conducive to healthy growth?

It feels really good to grow in the light!!

 

[Ixchellian]

Ok.... if you stay with him... one of three things are gonna happen.....
1. He's going to kill you.
2. He's gonna end up in jail for assaulting you.
3. You're going to be miserable & broken for the rest of your life.

Look.... Domestic abuse is a big problem in the Army, and I can't even count how many briefings we had on it.... or how many guys I saw being kicked out for assaulting their wives/girlfriends. I've also seen where it leads, and why.
I personally despise guys who physically or verbally abuse their significant others. It's sick, and I don't understand how they can do that to the girls that love them.... But having been friends with more than a few girls with abusive boyfriends/husbands, I also have a good grasp on why it's so hard to leave 'em.

Get out. There are a lot of women's shelters or church-oriented organizations that'll help you.

Failing that.... and this goes for anyone here genuinely in serious trouble. I don't care how far or how far-out someone is, I WILL COME GET YOU. After that, I've run into a lot of resources along the way for people in trouble, and I'll help get you squared-away.

There's a little reason why I'm still alive.... even though I'm a civilian now, and it can help anyone in a tough spot; it's called the Warrior's Ethos.
I will always place the mission first
I will never accept defeat
I will never quit
I will never leave a fallen comrade

You're a fallen comrade. If nobody else will help you to GET OUT, then I will.

Note: Try to stay as sober as possible..... please. Being wasted may deaden the pain, but it won't help resolve things. And you need to resolve it, not just get numb & go back for more. Because he WILL assault you again.
You can also transfer schools.... if that helps. I don't know of any school that'll turn your credits down if you have to leave one due to a situation like yours. Trust me, I've seen it done.

 

[tweaked0719]

Thanx everyone for ur posts. I'm at work so can't really get in depth but I'll jus say this... There literally is no other option plus I don't think he'll even take me back anyways. So for now the plan is to go to the hotel tonight n then who fuckin knows. My hearts not feelin good so I'll prob jus gone it that extra kick it needs to go over the edge. I jus don't fuckin care anymore there's nothin here for me anymore. I'm done

 

[Ixchellian]

Him taking you back shouldn't even be an option at this point. It's moot, so scratch that.
But if you end up a corpse in some crummy hotel due to whatever you explode your heart with, it's gonna fix nothing. I've seen enough death to know it well... and once your dead that's IT. Its not poetic, its not a relief unless you've got some kinda terminal shit that's way too agonizing. A shitty boyfriend and homelessness isn't terminal. You got help right here at your fingertips from so many people, just pull yourself up by the straps, stop tweaking, and ask for it.

 

[thelung]

hang in there

 

[Lysis]

oh honey, as someone who came back here for some relationship advice, I certainly know how it hurts and how it feels like this guy is your world, but head butting you is way over the top.

You said you were going to school, so maybe you can get some financial aid to get into a dorm? I feel for you, and breakups + nowhere to go is tough. It took me two years to recover from my BF dying, and I felt like I had no one. Two years later, I can't believe I've made it and so will you.

What I do to try to get by is think about where I was a year ago, a year before that, a year before that, etc. I realize that every year brings something new. Every year there is something different, so don't give up. It feels worthless right now, but next year will be different.

 

[tweaked0719]

made it to the hotel. Wow... thats all I can say right now. Im fuckin scared outta my mind. Im gonna have a panic attack very shortly, I can feel it comin. I cant b alone. I have so much homework to do, but i cant even begin to concentrate on that right now. Adderall? Bad idea I know, but what else am I gonna do? Im tryin, I really am, I just keep thinkin "its not the worst its ever been." I always find a way, I do. The only difference is this time I have no friends. My bf hated them all cuz they did drugs and "stood by while I got raped" but atleast they were there to give me a place to lay my head. This place is further away from work then I thought. I cant afford to stay. Theres a motel 6 closer to work n I think ima see if I can try n stay there. Prob worse and scarier then here, but atleast I wont have to walk forever. I should eat but I cant. I tried, it didnt work. What the fuck am I gonna do? Seriously what the fuck am I gonna do? Him n his fuckin facebook posts. Im glad your ok. As he said to me last night, atleast he has somewhere to live. Well good for you, thanx for ruinin the little bit of life ive managed to salvage. Why must I be so antisocial? Atleast maybe then I would have the balls to try to score somethin a lil better than the fuckin adderall I have. Fuck my life. As I sit here, looking around at this awful place Im in (physically, mentally, and emotionally), I cant help but think that the best option really is to just end it. Where do I go from here? Theres windows in the room that go to the hallway, no blinds just asee through curtain that was prob white at one point. Someone just walked by, I could see him so obv they can see me. Me, this 97 lb scared "little girl" sitting on the bed crying as she types on her computer. Ino what theyre thinking "what an easy target." Yea that panic attack is getting closer. OMFG in screwed... Yea, Im def gonna take some adderall, Ill be fine, I always am. I got My aspirin incase of a heart attack and I got my phone to call 911 if anything happens, perhaps I wont tho call tho. Let them find me in the am. I dunno, scratch that, I wont let myself die. You are all right, suicide is not an option. My grandfather once said to me, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I think he got it from somewhere but I dunno where. Wow I'm rambling again. I guess its keeping me busy, distracting me from my reality. I should do that homework, haha Im a psych major of course, and this weeks chapter is called "Mental Health Interventions" hows that for ironic.

 

[tweaked0719]

sorry I didnt break that up n that it prob makes no sense, Im outta my mind right now with fear, saddness, distress, and whatever else you can think of.

 

[Lysis]

No, I read it all, because I was there last weekend. Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Is there any way you can go for a walk or something? I found the worst thing in the world that I did was sit and stare at 4 walls thinking about it. The only way I could get at least something out of my head was to walk. I thought about it, but for some reason I could rationalize things a little better.

Sad thing about it is that if you are anything like me, nothing helps except time. I started drinking though, because it helped me sleep. It's something to think about - at least asleep you aren't crying your eyes out and thinking about the whirlwind of shit.

 

[tweaked0719]

I dont drink it makes me really sick. Plus I have way way too much to figure out right now, I gotta work in the am too. No walkin around here, its prob way more dangerous out there for me then it is to sit inside my own thoughts. I ligit have no idea what Ima do. I gotta start thinking about what Im gonna do for myself n not about him. Seriously he hasnt called or texted me all day. What kind of person who supposedly cares would do that. How does he not give a fuck where I am? I havent called him or texted him either, not once. Thats odd for me. But I literally did nothing wrong, usually I do something but this time I didnt. Yea, maybe a little attitude but he was being a dick. Whatever FUCK HIM. The funny thing is our anniversary is July 19th, we were planning on getting married that day, jus a little justice of the peace thing so when he leaves wit the army I can b stationed wit him. I guess thats not happenin. All my future plans have gone down the toilet.

 

[Lysis]

Yes, I understand. I was living with my SO too, and it feels like someone kicked you in the gut. Another thing that helped me (just a little) was thinking of only the bad. Instead of thinking about the good, think of the bad and tell yourself that he did you a favor.

You'll figure things out. Right now, you are panicking and the whole world seems like it's on your shoulders. He might text tomorrow, knowing you might be a little less upset.

Give yourself a little time, if you can. Relax if you can (I know...easier said than done). When you do think of what you need to do, prioritize your thoughts. Meaning, think of a place to live and how to get a roof over your head..that is priority...not his text messages or what he has done. I think it's easier to think about what he has done and how hurt you are over what really matters, which is YOU right now.

 

[tweaked0719]

he texted me. i told him im fine. i didnt tell him where i am, i tried to keep it vague. I took some adderall, prob shouldnt have with my heart acting up. But i got my aspirin n xanax ready for whatever kind of attack may come (heart or panic) I gotta do this homework, the adderall will keep me focused and my thoughts off of him, hopefully. I should sleep at some point and maybe eat but that doesnt matter right now. Its fuckin dark in here, I hate it

 

[tweaked0719]

"I'm sorry that I hit ur nose n I didn't mean like 99% of what I said I was just mad that u wouldn't stop talkn every time I went to the bedroom it's why I kept walkn away n why I didn't talk to u at all till we started fighting I didn't want to talk about it "

Thats what he jus texted me. I dont know how to respond or why he is apologizing, i forget who it was, but one of you guys def said this is exactly what he was gonna do. What now?

 

[tweaked0719]

my response:

U headbutted me. U purposely inflicted pain on me n made me bleed. You could have broken my nose. U said probably the worst things anyone has ever said to me. Yea I said stuff but not until u said stuff n nothin like what u said. Aside from "annoying" you and givin u attitude, o n "feelin bad for myself" I did nothin wrong. Yea maybe those things I did could cause u to say mean things, but not what u said. U no me better than anyone else, ur the only person I had in this world, u no exactly what to say to hurt me more than anyone can and u did. U do it everytime u get upset. But nothing should make u want to physically hurt me, not once did I motion toward u like I was gonna come at u. U first got in my face n pushed me up against a wall n made me spill fish food everywhere n later u got in my face, had me in the corner of the two couches n u fuckin headbutted me. Ok so I said something, I don't remember what, prob called u an asshole n ur first instinct is to hurt me. I don't get it, why? After all that, after everythin u said u tell me make sure I'm outta ur house in the mornin. Then u went to sleep, as easy as if nothing happened. I, on the other hand, nursed a bleeding nose, hopng that it wasn't visually damaged cuz that would b a bitch to explain. Then sat up all night tryin to figure out what I did so wrong to make u do tht. Yea sorry this is so long but I had to get that out.

 

[Ixchellian]

I'm really pissed.... I can't send IM's yet.

Anyways....

I'm sure others have probably offered their help, but that's not going to stop me from offering mine. Again.

I spent most of last year living in a hotel. Granted, my situation was much different than yours.... but it's still no place to be.

I'm sorry if I come off as being rather blunt, but it's not meant to be an order or in any way condescending. When shit gets serious, I don't sugar-coat things, that's all.

First.... stop arguing with that cowardly sonofabitch. It's doing nothing but stressing you out, and you'll never win. I know the type that he is. You're out of his physical realm now, so block him off and you'll be free from the rest of his abuse.

Please, DON'T TELL him where you're at.... no matter what.

In fact, if it were me I'd have already called the cops. If your nose is fucked up, he's going down for sure. And he can't touch you from a lockup. Sadistic animals like him need to be locked up, because if it's not you, it'll be some other poor girl..... I'm sorry, any man who'd do that to you is a low creature indeed.

Second.... school can wait. The most important thing right now is your LIFE. Get somewhere safer and more solid, and then pick up where you left off. No school is going to fault you for saving your life from a brutal boyfriend.

If you *want* any help that's within my power to give..... just ask dammit

Kiddo..... I'm super worried for you.

 

[tweaked0719]

its ok i can send IM's them either.

I dunno to be honest talking to him made me feel a lil better. I got to get it all out. this is the first time weve ever argued where he had nothing to counteract with, for the most part. I didnt tell him where I am. He asked me to go bak to the house n he wouldnt b there as he is goin out with his friends, im assumin drinking. O shit, I jus discovered somethin, everytime we fight like this he goes out drinking. I guess im not the only one wit a problem.

As for school work, I completed my test on time n got a 92 Now to push forth with all the rest of the stuff. I hear what ur sayin about puttin it aside for now, but you have to understand I started college in 2006, community college, supposed to b 2 years, n here I am 2010 n still not due to graduate til 2011. I have put it off long enough, It seems that every single time, other than my first semester and my last semester, i have to leave school for the same, well almost same, fuckin reason. Its always cuz I no longer have a place to call home. Actually come to think of it, my first semester I was living out of my car (when I had one) for the last part of it.
So I will NOT put off my education anymore for any reason. It is so important to me.

Calling the cops, not gonna happen. Never, never, never. First, it will ruin his army career, which he plans to retire from. I cant do that to him. I told him a long long time ago that I would only ever do that if I felt that my life was at risk. Last night it was not.

Second, I made that mistake with my older brother, a heroin addict for 10 years, (keep in mind he is 1 yr older than me and we are still quite young) who went over the edge. I called initially cuz he had a stupid lil charge, no big deal. Later I find myself sitting in a gas station with two FBI agents threatening to get my lil brother put in jail (suspended sentence), my ex husband audited (didnt pay taxes for over 5 years), my lil sister... well you get the point. I had to sign photos of him, my big brother, doing not such great things. Well, he found out, he saw the paper wit my signature on it. Needless to say my family has disowned me and wont have anything to do with me now.
In short, callin the cops is a no no for me now. Its only got me into worse trouble.

In my mind, he is my one and only. I miss him, how fucked up is that. I wanna go home so bad but Im tryin really hard to stay sttrong. I know it wont last, it never does, after a few days at best I wont want to put up wit this anymore n Ill go back. Thats how most my troubles start. Fuck I mean look at me, Im 23 yrs old n have already been married and divorced, he was 19 years older than me. I needed an escape from that current situation, n i thought why not find that weird tattoo artist that tried to hook up wit me. Then 8 days later, i was married.

You see its a pattern for me, one I have no idea how to break. I fuck up, I find a temporary solution, I cant take that anymore so I "become strong" n get away, then I end up either back where I was or with my next mistake.
Fuck I mean my current boyfriend was the escape from my abusive husband, who was the escape from homelessness n being broke, which was the alternative to living with... again you get the point.

Wow ramblings of a psychotic, depressed, adderall user huh. Holy shit I'm sorry that u just wasted ur time reading this.

 

[Lysis]

Not sure if it helps or not, but honestly you're not weird, crazy, or any different than a lot of people. We love someone, so we put up with their shit, even if it is detrimental to our own health.

Grats on the awesome grade. That's quite a feat considering your situation. Just tell yourself that if you can focus and get a great grade, you can focus and take care of yourself.

You're not crazy. You're not a fuckup. Sometimes, life is good and other times it's total shit. Some people have the easy, great life with little issues here and there. Others have a load of shit thrown on them every once in a while. Just makes you stronger...like you said, you're young, so in 10 years you will look back and give other people your age advice because you have the wisdom to endure.